The Big Gamble

by M Andrews

  I set the pictures down and pull out a layer of bubble wrap and a glimmer of silver catches my eye. My heart stops when I realize it’s Jake’s ashes. I reach into the box and pull out the silver urn. One of his last wishes in his will was for me to spread his ashes around the coffee shop where we first met, the spot in Central Park where he first told me he loved me, and over the Brooklyn Bridge where he proposed. But I was never able to bring myself to do it because I was too selfish and didn’t want to lose the last bit of him I had left. Now here he was.

  It hits me like a ton of bricks. I believe the reason why it has taken me so long to move forward with my life is because I haven’t actually said goodbye to Jake. I haven’t been able to let him go. And I know I’ll never be able to if I keep holding on to my past.

  I get up from the floor taking Jake with me. Grabbing my bag and placing the urn inside, I then slip on my shoes, grab my jacket and head to the elevator. I need to see Lucy. I need to hear her say it’s okay for me to let Jake go.

  I step out into the cool spring afternoon. The gray clouds heavy in the sky and the smell of looming rain fills the air. I quicken my pace when I start to feel the tears welling up in my eyes. The guilt of saying goodbye to the first man I’ve ever loved hits me. My fast walk turns into a sprint when I turn the corner and see Lucy’s shop. Flinging open the door, I frantically step inside. Lucky’s sitting on the counter flipping through a US Weekly Magazine. There are a couple people sipping coffee in the back corner and Lucy is nowhere to be found.

  Lucky looks up from her magazine. “Hey, girly.” Her smile quickly fades when she sees my red tearstained eyes.

  “Where’s Lucy? Lucy,” I call out. Trying into keep it calm, but I’m failing miserably.

  Lucky jumps off the counter and walks over to me. “Lucy’s on the phone with her coffee distributor. What’s going on honey? Here sit down.” She helps me sit down at one of the tables. Her face turning a mixture of worry and terror when the ugly crying kicks in. She hands me a napkin for my tears. “Did Brian break up with you? Did that asshole do this?” she asks trying her best to be a supportive friend.

  “No, it’s not Brian,” I squeak out between sobs.

  “I’m sorry Brooke, I don’t really know how to handle all this. I’m just a dead-behind-the-eyes stripper.” A look of panic growing in her face.

  “Just get me, Lucy. Get Lucy now!” I demand.

  “Okay. Okay. Get Lucy,” she mumbles then runs back to the kitchen.

  I sit quietly sobbing. I’ve spent two years building an emotional wall around the memories of Jake. Keeping them safe and keeping me from having to actually say goodbye. Now that wall is coming down, I feel like I’m drowning.

  Lucy comes running out of the kitchen with Lucky trailing behind her. She arrives at my table with a box of Kleenex in hand and takes a seat next to me. “I’m here, sweetie. What’s going on?”

  I suck in a few quick breaths. “Brian…” I suck in another haggard breath, “I told Brian I loved him.” I sob. “And, and he said it back.”

  “Oh honey, this is good news. Why are you crying?” She pulls a Kleenex from the box and starts wiping my tears.

  “Well, I know that would make me cry. Well, no, more like run screaming,” Lucky chimes in taking a seat across the table. Lucy flashes her a disapproving glare.

  “Because of this.” I reach into my bag and pull out Jake’s urn and set on the table.

  Lucky’s head cocks to the side as she examines it. “What the hell is that?”

  “It’s Jake,” I reply.

  “I thought he’d be taller,” she says nonchalantly.

  “Okay, you need to go away,” Lucy scolds.

  “What did I say?”

  “Just go make yourself useful and get Brooke one of everything from the pastry case,” she orders.

  “Okay fine. Brooke, I’m gonna hook you up, girl.” Lucky gets up from the table and walks over to the coffee bar and sets to work pulling out desserts from the pastry case.

  “Okay, so you told Brian you loved him. Then found Jake’s ashes, so then what happened?” she asks calmly.

  “I started to realize the reason why I’ve been having such a hard time with moving on is because I never really said goodbye to Jake. I never let him go.”

  “Brooke, honey.” Lucy pulls me into her arms. “No wonder you’re a mess.”

  A mess is putting it mildly. I’m a fucking basket case. I finally find someone who makes me ecstatically happy and here I am still holding onto my first love.

  Lucky comes back to the table with a tray filled with cupcakes, cookies and scones. The couple that was sitting in the back come walking toward us, staring at me while I sob all over Lucy.

  “What? Haven’t you ever seen a woman crying?” Lucky barks as the couple quickly pass by our table. “Yeah, you better keep walking,” She calls out as they bolt out the door.

  Lucy lets out a frustrated sigh at Lucky then turns her attention back to me. Gently stroking my hair. “Do you really love Brian?”

  “With all my heart,” I mumble into her shoulder.

  “Then sweetie, you need to put your big girl panties on and do what you should’ve done two years ago and let Jake go. I know it’s hard, believe me, I know. Saying goodbye to Colton was the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it’s the only thing that’s going to help you to move on.”

  I sit up grabbing another tissue and wiping away my tears, feeling a little relieved knowing that Lucy felt the same way when she lost Colton. “Your right, Lucy. It’s time for me to say goodbye. Will you guys come with me to spread Jake’s ashes?”

  “Of course, we will.”

  “We will?” Lucky groans, taking a bite from a large chocolate chip cookie.

  Lucy reaches over and slaps Lucky on the arm. “Yes…we will,” she repeats herself, narrowing her eyes at Lucky.

  A half an hour later we find ourselves wandering down the green belt along Elliot Bay trying to find the perfect spot to spread Jake’s ashes. Once we pass by Myrtle Park, that’s when I spot an ideal little secluded strip of beach. I leave Lucky and Lucy up on the trail. I need to do this on my own, but I also need to know someone’s going to be there for me when I’m finished.

  I carefully walk over the rocky beach to an old weathered log on the edge of the water and take a seat. I pull out Jake’s urn from my bag and stare at it for a few minutes before I look up and out across the water. The gray clouds are rolling in the distance and the only sound is the waves crashing against the rocks.

  “Hi Jakie,” I close my eyes, taking in a deep calming breath, “I know you’re probably riding around in your old beat up truck with your brother right about now, but I really need to talk to you. I’m kind of losing it because I’ve been a bit selfish. Trying to hold onto your memories so I wouldn’t have to move on. But I’ve met someone, and I’m falling pretty hard for him. I’ve actually fallen in love with him.” The tears begin to fall from my eyes again. “I think you’d like him. Like you, he had me pegged the moment we met, and he too knows how to push my buttons.” I let out a little chuckle. “He makes me so damn happy, and I want to make it work with him, but I keep finding excuses why I shouldn’t, and I know it’s because I can’t let you go.” I suck in a sharp breath. This goodbye feeling like a knife slowly being pulled out of my heart. “You were my best friend. The love of my life. You took a broken girl and made her believe in herself and in happy endings. And for that I will always love you. But now I have to let you go. And I need to know you’re okay with me moving on. I just need some sort of sign.”

  Just as I finish speaking the sun breaks through the dark clouds shining a beautiful ray of golden light across the bay, and I know it’s Jake telling me he’s okay with letting me go. A relieved smile pulls at my lips. “Thank you.”

  I pull open the lid of the urn and lift up a handful of ashes. “Goodbye, Jake. You’ll always have a place in my heart. I love you.” I sprinkle the ashes over the rocks. As t
he last of the ashes fall from my hand, Lucy and Lucky join me on the log, wrapping their arms around me.

  “Feeling better?” Lucky asks.

  “Much better. Thank you both for coming here with me.” I rest my head on Lucy’s shoulder. I seriously wouldn’t know what I’d do without these two amazing women in my life. Probably go slightly mad.

  “Of course, sweetheart. I know you feel like you’re going through this alone, but we will always be here for you.” Lucy kisses the top of my head and rubs my shoulder. “You’ve become a wonderful friend and sister to Lucky and to me. Men will always come along, but what the three of us has is eternal. We are your family now, Brooke.”

  You’re a pathetic waste of space, and one day your lovely new girlfriend will open her eyes and see it too. You’re a loser Brian, and you destroy everything you touch. Loser…loser.

  I jump up from the bed, another damn nightmare tearing me away from my sleep. Jillian’s words still ringing in my ears. I haven’t had a dream like that since I started seeing Brooke three months ago. Of course, Jillian would start haunting me now that I’ve actually found someone that cares about me. I can’t let her words get to me. Brooke’s the best thing to happen to me and I’m not going to fuck it up.

  I pull the covers back and rest my feet on the floor, running my hands through my messy hair. Reaching over to my phone to check the time as soon as I pick it up it starts to ring. I look at the screen seeing Lucy’s number. Odd, she rarely ever calls me.

  “Hey Lucy, what’s up?”

  “It’s Brooke, she found Jake’s ashes today while she was unpacking some boxes and she had a mild breakdown. And before you freak out, she’s fine now. But she needs you.”

  Without hesitation, I bolt up from my bed and run to my closet to grab some clothes. “Where are you guys?”

  “We’re at a little beach about a quarter of a mile from the Olympic Sculpture Garden.”

  “Okay, I’m on my way.”

  I hang up with Lucy and quickly get dressed then lace up my boots. My mind is racing wondering what’s going on with Brooke. I pick up my jacket while running out the door and heading down to the garage to get my bike.

  Weaving through traffic down Westlake, I speed the whole way. Just needing to get to my girl. I park my bike and run down the greenbelt looking for Lucy. She waves me down when she spots me.

  “Lucy what’s going on? Where’s Brooke?”

  “Calm down, Brian. She’s fine, she just had to say her final goodbyes to Jake. Lucky and I have done everything we could to make her feel better, but what she really needs is you.”

  “I don’t even know what to say to her.” I’ve never gone through anything close to what Brooke did with Jake. I have no clue as to what to say or do to comfort her in this situation.

  “She doesn’t need your words, right now she just needs you to be here for her. Just hold her and let her cry on your shoulder. That will mean more than words.” She pats my shoulder and gives me a reassuring smile before leaving with Lucky.

  Okay, I can do this. My girl needs me and I’m here for whatever she needs. I walk across the rocks to where Brooke is standing by the water. “Brooke,” I quietly say, not wanting to startle her. She turns around and gives me a small smile.

  “Brian what are you doing here?” she asks. I can see her red tearstained eyes brighten up as I step closer.

  “Lucy called me,” I reply, inching closer.

  “Of course, she did. Brian, there’s something we need to talk about.” Her voice turns to a more serious tone and it makes me slightly nervous. Maybe along with saying goodbye to Jake she’s also realized she could do better than me.

  “Brooke can we talk about this at home, it’s starting to rain.” I feel the raindrops hitting the top of my head.

  “No, I need to say this before I talk myself out of it.” My heart leaps into my throat. “Before I used to think that we only have one great love in our lives, and for the longest time I thought I had mine with Jake. After he died I considered that was it, so I stopped looking because who hits the jackpot twice in their life.”

  “Brooke, I know you have this weird delusion about love but have you ever stopped to think that you might be the great love of my life?” This woman is the best thing to happen in my life and I’m not going to let this crazy delusion of hers keep us from being together. I love her too damn much to go down without a fight.

  “Yes, and if you’ll shut your mouth and let me finish professing my love for you, we can go home,” she snaps at me. I put my hands up in surrender and shut my mouth. “I used to think that until I met you. It took me a long time to figure out why fate brought me to Seattle. Why it took me six months to find the perfect apartment, and I realize now it’s because it was leading me to you. I will always love Jake—”

  “I would never expect anything less. He was a big part of your life,” I say interrupting her again.

  “Brian, please let me finish.”

  “Okay, I’m sorry, again.”

  “I will always love him, but I realize now that he was brought into my life to prepare me to love you. When I met Jake I was in an awful place in my life, kind of like you were when we met. He showed me how to love and to believe in myself. To believe that I deserved to have a happy ending. You’re my happy ending Brian. I know it’s crazy because we haven’t known each other that long, but I can feel it in my bones that we’re supposed to be together. I’m all in. As crazy as all of this is, I am in this with you for better or for worse.”

  That was all I need to hear. I close the gap between us and scoop Brooke into my arms, kissing her as the rain begins to pour down over us. This beautiful woman came into my life like a spring rain washing away my past. She’s starting to make me believe I deserve her, and that I too deserve to be happy for once in my life. Brooke is my home now. She is…the love of my life.

  Friday was finally here and my excitement had me up at dawn showered and packed before the sun had even fully entered the sky. I welcomed Brian home from his shift with a smile and a God, I’m-so-happy-to-see-you blowjob before he went to bed to sleep before we leave for his cabin.

  To keep myself from sitting at home watching the minutes tick by on the clock, I went and helped Lucy with the morning rush at her coffee shop. Afterward, we grabbed a bite to eat and consumed one too many margaritas.

  Tipsy and not ready to go home yet—Brian’s still asleep and Lucy’s daughter is visiting her grandparents for the weekend—Lucy and I decide to head to the pottery class Lucky’s teaching down at a small art studio in West Seattle. We put on our aprons and take a seat at two of the pottery wheels in the back of the class. We’re sitting next to a couple of guys who look like they’ve just stepped out of an L.L. Bean catalog and looking like they’re here in a desperate attempt to pick up women attending the class.

  Lucky finally walks into the class looking very much the part of an art teacher. Her messy blonde hair is gathered on top of her head held together with a couple paint brushes. She has on a pair of black square rimmed glasses. This is the first time I’ve ever seen her wear glasses. Her apron and skinny jeans are covered in smudges of paint and clay. Lucky scans the class as she explains what techniques she’ll be teaching us, her eyes narrow when her gaze lands on us.

  “Hi, Lucky,” Lucy and I call out in unison while waving.

  She mouths a “fuck me” dropping her head, trying to refocus before telling the class to turn on their wheels and to play with the clay to gain a feel for it. Lucy and I flip the switch and the wheels spin to life. I dip my fingers into my bowl of water and carefully press them into the clay as it spins around.

  Lucky slowing walks along each row, stopping to show the other students how to mold their clay into a simple bowl. It’s fun to see her in her element. Sure that night in the club she looked like she was having fun up on stage, but here she’s looking relaxed and happy.

  “What the hell are you two doing here?” Lucky barks, stopping right in fr
ont of us. “Brooke, I thought you were leaving for the islands with Brian today, and Lucy aren’t you supposed to be working at the shop?”

  “Brian’s still sleeping off his shift and my assistant manager is taking care of the shop,” Lucy slurs. “We wanted to have a little fun and learn how to make some clay pots.” Lucy runs her hands up along the clay. Her clay pot looking a little more phallic than pot.

  “We just wanted to watch you in your real element. If you want us to leave, we will.”

  “No, please stay. Let me make one last round then I’ll come sit with you guys.”

  A few minutes later Lucky takes a seat at the wheel next to me and starts on her own project. “Well, I see Lucy is making a giant penis. What are you making Brooke?”

  “It’s supposed to be a bowl. Thought I could give it to Brian to put his keys in.” I press my fingers on the inside of my sad little bowl, working the clay up forming the sides.

  “Speaking of Brian, how are things going between you two?”

  “Things with us are so great. We’ve told each other that we love each other. He just makes me so damn happy.” I can’t hold back the huge smile that’s lighting up my face.

  “Oh Brooke, that’s so awesome. I’m really happy for you two.” She looks up and smiles up from her wheel. “Okay, so now here’s the real question. How happy does he make you in the sack?” Lucy asks her voice echoing in the tiny classroom. A few of the students slowly looking back at us. I shyly smile and try to hide my face.

  “She’s been drinking hasn’t she? She only gets mouthy about sex when she’s had a few.”

  “Yeah, we stopped for lunch and ordered a pitcher of margarita, and before I noticed she’d downed half a pitcher before our food had even arrived.”

  “Bailey must be with Colton’s family this weekend? She only gets that sloshed when Bailey’s not with her.” She laughs, shaking her head. “But please answer the question, I’m rather curious too.”