Falling Whispers, Love & Curses

by Trixie Archer

  As I hurried away, Melissa called out, “I hope that I didn’t upset you. I think you and Dora make a great couple….or not. Seriously….no worries…Oh and Carmen? As a matter of fact…”

  I turned about with curiosity. “There’s Dora now!” she said pointing in the opposite direction. Sure enough, Dora was strolling along the beach, wrapped in a shawl, being all beautiful, being all Spain. My heart beat in a wild loop at just the sight of her. I averted my gaze not wishing to offer any more fuel to a meddlesome yogi.

  I took off in a wild sprint heading back towards the suite trying not to allow Melissa’s assumptions to anchor me down. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to accept my feelings as a main ingredient in the stew and it didn’t help how there was even more pressure from such observations. As I hurried off, I could hear Melissa say more to herself than to me, “I was almost certain…I’ve never been wrong before when it comes to matters of the heart.”

  Chapter 10: The Truth about Spain

  Allowing Carmen to recover from what obviously was one long and difficult night on the sofa, I dressed in casual attire and set off to walk the shores of Whispering Falls Island. I was hoping to find some quiet time to collect my thoughts. I wanted to begin my day as such, sliding out before Carmen awoke, strolling about to enjoy the feel of cool as the fine mist of ocean rose with every break of wave against the shoreline.

  I slung my mother’s wrap about my shoulders. The ornate shawl was something I held close. With it I felt connected to her, imagining the material as extensions of her arms reaching through time and circumstance just to comfort me. Admittedly, I didn’t know much about my mother; just little tidbits that father would share throughout the years. Since remembering her seemed to pain him, I often redirected our conversations with tact onto life present day.

  Sunrise was mere breaths beyond the horizon. For some unknown reason, I wanted to embrace the perspective that a new day awarded in a “clean slate” sort of manner. Today I awoke thinking about my sister Laura. I held deep regret for things that I should have told her but didn’t. It weighed heavy for that opportunity would never again arrive.

  As my feet squished in the sand step after step, I realized that although I would miss my sister Laura, at least I could now live my life authentically. For most of it, I had been reading from a script, playing a part in a world of pretend. I carried myself as who Laura expected me to be instead of who I actually was. Now I could follow my heart without the fear of family rejection and disapproval. Somewhere within this great loss, with that door closing, there also existed a window braced open rendering hope.

  I feel deep regret for my belief that you wouldn’t understand sis. Even when we were girls playing house, reenacting what we believed life to be all about, you played your characters centered around men but the moment you would leave, I would imagine women…always women. Of course it was all just the musings of an innocent girl, but still I needed to hide this from you. Even though you assumed we were one in the same as twins, on that point, we were very much opposite.

  I’m sorry I kissed Maya, I’m sorry that she and I shared a lifetime of stolen moments whenever you turned your back. You deserved better than such deception. I know you and how important it was to offer you space so as to have your own friends and identity separate and apart from me. I broke that promise all in the spirit of what I thought love to mean. In my defense however I did meet Maya first, I couldn’t steal what was all ready mine.

  There was something unique about Maya. I was struck the moment she walked up to me at dance class. I can’t pinpoint exactly why it was, but I felt love every time she arrived in my company. I kept waiting for those complicated feelings to fade; patiently waiting for my truths to match yours, but somehow it never worked out that way.

  Laura you’ve got to forgive me for those secrets I held. My secrets were locked tight. Unfortunately, Maya has landed in a very dark place now. She’s handling it all the best that she can and I am left grieving for the both of you. I’m glad she never told you about us. It was always so very complicated, it still is…and she will always be precious to me.

  Maya was my first love, but now there’s this American and what I am feeling is very different somehow. Maybe with having some life experience, it has made me much more in tune with my feelings. This thing with Carmen, it’s emotional and physical, mature and funny, whimsical and deep…and the knowing I can’t do anything about it...well…(sigh). If I could just step through that doorway with her, IF I knew that she wanted to walk through it with me, well…I know it could be serious and long lasting and amazing.

  Where as Maya and I were one in the same, Carmen is not…I don’t believe she sees me that way...so I must resolve myself to accepting a close friendship with her as sufficient.

  You used to say that I often wanted what I couldn’t have. You hated me for that characteristic…you thought the “struggle” was what made me so unhappy…that if I could just find something to settle on, or some man to settle with that I would realize all of the answers to the many questions I had often asked. I lived my life as a wanderer...never quite finding anyone that could give to me all of themselves. It didn’t have to be that way; I could have stopped that nonsense by speaking my truths, to you, to dad, to Selma... I am proud of who I am, Laura. I am proud.

  Aside from dad, I never had much of a use for men. Sure, I've nurtured friendships throughout the years and leaned on them for social functions that mandated an entrance with someone on my arm, but aside from that, those feelings were just not there. No matter how much I wanted to be like everyone else, I simply wasn’t.

  I’m sorry, Laura; sorry for never finding the courage to let you really know me and now it’s too late. You allowed me full disclosure as my sister. Your life often was not all that pretty in battling your drug addiction as you did, but at the least, you were honest and true about everything. I’m sorry I didn’t have the courage to offer you the same courtesy in return. For this I will always carry deep regret. I am sad because I believe we could’ve been much closer if only I had been honest with you. I know it would’ve helped you to understand why I was the way I was. I know you judged me as being introverted and reserved but I needed to be guarded in order to keep up appearances.

  I want to tell you about the American. Her name is Carmen Davis. I don’t believe she’s aware of how incredible she truly is. She has this lightness to her spirit even though she is going through a rough time herself. She is unlike anyone I have ever met. I feel as though I need to protect her, that life has been totally unfair to her. I want nothing more than to make everything better for her…but there is so much more to it than that. I can just be myself with her and somehow I am enough. Imagine me with my defenses down. I found my smile after an entire lifetime of serious.

  I suspect she has feelings for me but denial is the easier path to take, especially, in the way that I live…so I’ve decided to surrender to that reality… if only she could open herself up, to fight off the conventional beliefs of roles and tradition.

  I know that I’ve only known her for a few days and it may be too soon, but when there is spark…there is spark. I feel the essence of who she is…I "get" her. I know this is all so sudden, that I really should slow down to give her a chance to catch up…but I can relate to her vulnerability here…we are one in the same in that.

  On the walk back, I booked a speedboat from the resort for the afternoon. I thought maybe Carmen would wish to take a ride to the other side of the island and experience the waterfall from the base looking up. I was told that one could anchor the boat and scuba dive so I requested the proper gear. The rental clerk bragged about the abundance of unusual fish which frequent the small lagoon because of the oxygenated waters.

  When I returned to the penthouse, I found Carmen on the floor in my room working to scrub the Merlot stain from the carpet.

  “Have you lost your mind?” I asked, startling her by my presence.

  Carmen appeared embarrassed
for her domestic consideration. “I asked housekeeping for some cleaner today to work on this mess.” Carmen stood as she wiped her hands on her Capri’s. “The rental this week is part my responsibility and I can’t afford to waste money on replacing this ornate rug.”

  I smiled with sympathy at Carmen.

  “No need to worry Carmen. It’ll all be taken care of, I assure you. I did it, so I’ll be more than happy to pay for it.”

  Carmen remained motionless as if contemplating my promise, and then slowly moved towards the doorway. Her silence concerned me. I turned on my heels following close behind.

  “Listen, I’ve acquired a boat for this afternoon to explore the surroundings of the island, are you up for some adventure?”

  “Sure.” She responded through what appeared to be a forced smile. Her worrisome gaze fell in the direction of the stained carpet once again.

  “Wear a swimsuit and I’ll see to the details,” I replied.

  As we were preparing to leave for the excursion, I offered to French braid Carmen’s hair. She seemed to appreciate the kindness and mentioned how she had always lacked the coordination to work the layers of her hair into a braid for herself. In the past she would hire a hairdresser to accomplish this style and now since I was offering, she was more than glad to accept.

  Carmen perched herself on the floor remaining still as I wove her hair with precision, taking my time with combing and maneuvering the fine strands into layers. I sat towering above her on the sofa so as to have a full range of motion without too much bend. The texture was soft and the feel beneath my fingertips rendered goose bumps. The fragrance from her shampoo was unique reminding me of a spring bouquet after an unforgiving winter. I closed my eyes memorizing the scent, relishing every morsel of closeness that styling her hair provided.

  Of course there was the heat from her press against my legs causing my heart to beat with torturous longing. I knew I needed to focus on the task at hand but her close proximity was much too enticing. My gaze kept falling on the curve of her neck and I wondered if her skin would taste as sweet as I imagined it to be.

  I shifted my thoughts, conjuring the many times Laura, Maya and I exchanged the courtesy of braiding each other’s hair. I thought of Maya, of how I would steal an occasional glance over whatever book I was studying as Laura braided her hair. There were many instances that Maya’s eyes would lock on mine and I convinced myself she was speaking to me in our own secret code replaying the stolen moments we shared when we believed no one else was looking. I missed Laura something terrible…I missed Maya something fierce.

  Regardless of my apparent yearning for Carmen, my hands continued to weave. Somehow I made it through and her hair became tucked in and arranged with perfect results.

  As we stood to leave, I gazed at Carmen. “You know what you need?” Carmen shrugged her shoulders in puzzlement.

  “A decent pair of sunglasses,” I responded.

  An instant later I placed my favorite pair of designer frames on her face. If she did not appear “Hollywood” before, she was certainly all glamour now.

  “Well, I’ll be…” Carmen said in American slang. “I have never seen so clearly in all of my life…are these digital or something?”

  I chuckled. “No, just rather innovated is all. I have two pairs.” Carmen gazed at me as I showed her my similar pair.

  “It would be selfish of me to be on the ocean watching you squint when I have an extra pair, yes?”

  Carmen leaned in and gave me an enthusiastic hug of appreciation. Her body contact was brief, but the effects it caused was lingering.

  “Thanks, really,” she whispered.

  Her mood became elevated when we boarded the speed boat and sped off with a large spray in our wake. I took the helm on the way to Whispering Falls. Carmen’s gaze varied from the resort to the opposite side of the great expanse of water. Conversation was impossible for there was a racket from the powerful engine. When we arrived at the base of the waterfall, another boat from the resort had just pulled away.

  “It appears as if we have the lagoon to ourselves,” I said rather loudly as I cut the motor and tied the boat to a provided buoy.

  Carmen gazed at the waterfall as it fell in a straight line rippling the pool surrounding us. “Are you up for a swim?” I asked.

  “How could I turn down something so extraordinary?”

  I lifted the hatch and pulled scuba gear from below. We quickly busied ourselves to prepare with a silent efficiency. I positioned the ladder from the engine deck into the water so we would have a way back into the boat upon return.

  Not using the ladder for decent, Carmen fell in a backwards plunge from the side as if she was an experienced diver.

  “You’ve done this before?” I questioned peering down after she resurfaced.

  “No, I’ve just read about this my entire life.”

  I smiled warmly at her and as she submerged her face below the water line I could sense she was smiling as well.

  With a unity in kicking, we followed the circle of the lagoon making our way to the other side of the water as it fell from above. Aside from the turbulence the waterfall created along the top layer, the depths were crystal clear. Schools of fish fluttered in and out of formation. The rainbow of colors were exotic and contained many varieties of creatures that I never imagined existed. Pug noses, long bodies, stripes, vibrant colors, pastels, subtle, large, giant, dainty…schools moving in unison, some spooked and scattered, a solitary fish here and there, some paused in hiding tucked cautiously behind seaweed, some were bold and following us…There were many interesting plants and vibrant corals. The underwater world was fascinating. I could have circled the lagoon indefinitely without the want to stop and this newfound thrill seemed to be shared in equal portion with Carmen.

  After a few hours of scuba diving, we decided to rest. Just below the waterfall, there was a small ledge that seemed inviting. Carmen managed to pull herself up with little difficulty, I on the other hand, felt bulky and lifting my own body weight seemed impossible. I unlatched my goggles and tossed them in a heap next to Carmen.

  Carmen extended her hand and I locked my grip about her wrist, she in turn did the same. Water made everything slick and dangerous. She heaved me in her direction and I flew up and out of the water, forcefully landing on top of her as she slammed onto the ledge below. Her head gently thudded against the hard surface on impact.

  “Ouch.” Carmen mumbled as I lay on top of her startled and breathless. My face was suddenly inches from hers and I used every ounce of restraint to stop myself from kissing her. I gazed into her eyes as my focus trailed to her lips. I stared at her pout over and over again with my wanting gaze. Carmen remained motionless as if her tentative expression seemed to invite additional temptation.

  I could feel the rise and fall of her chest beating in rhythm with mine. I wanted her and the tension between us was insurmountable.

  “Your hair,” I whispered moving my fingertips to replace single strands that had broken loose from the force of the water. I smiled sweetly at her and she swallowed hard in response. If she had not guessed my sexuality before, she knew with almost certainty in that moment. The exchange between us was electric.

  She took a deep breath and smiled demure. "We probably should sit for a while before swimming back to the boat." Carmen’s breathy whisper broke the spell. There was something in her eyes and I was almost certain that something was “want.”

  “I’m so sorry.” I responded. “You’re not hurt?” In response, Carmen touched the back of her head as she shook her head no.

  Crawling to the side, I sat on the ledge positioning my legs to dangle in the water. Carmen followed suit allowing her elbow the proximity to gently brush mine.

  Was she intentionally sitting close so as to touch me? There was plenty of space on the other side making such crowding unnecessary. Such nearness caused me great wonder. We sat there for a moment, silent, allowing the chemistry between us to simmer.
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br />   “I can only imagine how many interludes occurred on this ledge.” She managed inviting the exploration of what was obvious and true about me.

  I chuckled at the thought. “There’s probably been many more than we could place a number value on.”

  “Dora, have you ever been to this island before?”

  “Me? No…my sister Laura had been, soon after she and Stefano announced their engagement.”

  “You think she and Stefano put this ledge to proper use?” Carmen wondered.

  “I wouldn’t put it past my sister for she was an uninhibited sort of person.”

  “What was the best encounter you’ve ever had?” Carmen asked taking a bold step forward. I sensed a slight smirk even though she was very controlled about her facial expression. Was her question really about sex specifically or what team I played for?

  “I’m not sure if I feel comfortable discussing...” I said feeling cautious.

  “So Spain is full of guarded secrets.” Carmen teased pushing her elbow into mine playfully.

  “Spain is just different from America whose people seem content to place their most intimate details all over the big screen for the entire world to see. Shameless...that’s what your people are all about.”

  “OH come on! Foreign films are by far less modest and restrained, unlike America’s with ratings and censors.” Carmen argued.

  I began to laugh, trapped by my own wrappings of foil. “You may have a point but at the least in Europe we do not pretend to be Puritans and then present ourselves in total opposite.”

  “Really?” Carmen challenged gazing at me with an “I know you better than you think I do” expression.

  My face was set in an unforgiving blush…the only thought that came to mind was retreat

  “Well Spain, NO sort of reply to my verbal challenge?”

  In response, I stood from my position, grabbed my gear and jumped into the water swimming as fast as I could away from her line of interrogation. Carmen was laughing hysterically at my avoidance and my heart leaped when I realized she was either testing the waters or simply flirting with me.