Serious Leigh (Literal Leigh Romance Diaries Book 2)

by Melanie James

  He dropped to the floor, writhing in obvious pain. “Get it off! For the love of God! Get it off!”

  Sarah rushed out to his aid. She was wearing high heeled, black vinyl boots that went nearly to her knees. She wore a black corset of similar material that only went down as far as her belly button and it cupped under her breasts. It pushed her huge naked boobs out and up in such a way that it looked like a weird Siamese twin bobble head of bald guys with pink noses dancing in front of her.

  Gertie just couldn’t help herself. “Wow! Hunter’s Randy Johnson is a lot bigger than Bill’s. A lot bigger.”

  Sarah was trying desperately to console Bill. “I’m so sorry. I—”

  “Urgh! Peel the wax off, please.”

  “Leigh, Gertie, help me!” Sarah pleaded with us.

  We must have looked like we were caught on the tracks with a freight train bearing down on us.

  Bill finally noticed us and rolled onto his stomach in shame, as if his large hairy ass was any better to look at.

  “What the hell happened?” I asked.

  “Your sister! That’s what! She decided to play with handcuffs and then pour wax on me. I’ve heard of that, but I don’t think you are supposed to use your mother’s giant jarred candle with three goddamn wicks in it. She must have poured a gallon of hot wax on my junk.” Bill suddenly pulled his elbows in front of him. Arched his neck up and smacked his palms together as best he could. “Ork, ork, ork.”

  Sarah yelled at him. “You think you’re so funny. Stop being an asshole already. This is not what I meant about pretending to be a hot SEAL.”

  “I told you, Sarah. I can’t, I can’t. Ork, ork, ork.” Then more clapping. “I can’t help myself. I don’t understand what’s happening to me.” Bill looked directly at me with blaming eyes. “This is all your fault, Leigh. All your fault. Goddamn it! Would you PLEASE take these fucking handcuffs off of me, Sarah?”

  How did he know? I asked him. “My fault? How can this be my fault?”

  “Sarah told me you suggested all of this roleplaying from some filthy book you’ve been reading. See what comes from that kind of trash? Ork, ork , ork.”

  Sarah stood there with her baldheaded Siamese bobble heads apparently nodding in agreement.

  “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. It is a good thing those poor babes aren’t seeing their parents carry on like you two.” Gertie was actually scolding my sister and brother-in-law. “Instead of all of this fussing, shouting, and shenanigans, can’t you just go back to the bedroom and diddle your wife, like Leigh’s boyfriend does to her? Crimeny sakes man!”

  We left Sarah and Bill to deal with the fallout of my magic, once again. When we got in the car, Gertie looked at me and winked. “Witchcraft on your sister?” I nodded affirmatively. “I have no idea how that was supposed to go, Leigh. I’m guessing certainly not that way!”

  “I’m not too worried this time. I think when morning comes, Bill’s bound to forget.”

  Chapter Twenty Four

  One, Two, Three Putsch

  “Leigh, I heard you call our plan the big putsch out. What does that mean?”

  “Oh, it’s a German word for an uprising, like a revolution. I just used it so I could make a little pun.”

  “Putsch has come to shove, we are out of time now. It’s finally Thursday. Are you ready? Did you come up with something to tell Randy?”

  “I think I have.” Just as I said that, we heard a car pull up. Not only did Randy arrive, but so did Kelly and Lindsey. They walked in, and after Gertie assaulted them with hugs, Kelly confronted me. “Spill it, Leigh. What do you have planned for my brother? I know it’s more than just lunch.”

  I pulled Kelly and Lindsey back to my bedroom while Gertie kept Randy busy chatting in the kitchen. I gave the girls the complete rundown on everything that had transpired since the last time we met. Including my plans for Randy.

  I felt like crap. I had wanted to talk to Kelly about my plan first, but I didn’t know how she would take it. I assumed she would be upset and typically protective of him. Kelly gave me a chance to avoid an awkward answer.

  “Listen, Leigh, Randy is an adult. Whatever it is, he can decide if it’s a good thing or not. And I trust you.”

  Kelly had a concern. “I think it will be fine. Only one thing, how the hell are you going to magically teleport him to Gertie’s crazy cat farm? You’re not planning to slip him one of those roofies, and then zap him down there while he’s passed out, are you?”

  “What the hell is a roofie? Leigh! You’re not thinking about going on drugs again. Are you?” Lindsey asked.

  Kelly looked at her and then at me as if she was already accusing me of drugging her brother. “It’s what they call those date-rape drugs that those creeps use to knock girls out so they can attack them and kidnap them. They had an investigative news program about that a couple of weeks ago.”

  “Oh my God! Leigh! Why would you do that to Randy?”

  “Ugh! I was not going to drug him! I was planning to just tell him what was going on. Everything. I’ll have to trust him if I expect him to trust me.” Eager to change the subject with the easily distracted Lindsey, I brought up her fire damage. “How is the remodeling job coming along?”

  “Awesome! I even had the restoration company hire the roofing company that came out before. That way we have a reason for Luke and Derek to play hotties on a hot roof.”

  “And spray them down. I know that Stephanie from across the street appreciates it.” Kelly added.

  We went out to have the talk with Randy. It was pretty easy to convince him since he always thought of himself as an aspiring actor. This would boost his experience and resume. It was an opportunity to play a powerful, yet cultured and wealthy vampire, with the added bonus of being able to shapeshift into a werewolf. The icing on the cake was a visit to Gertie’s magically wild mansion, as well as her guided tours of New Orleans after the job was done.

  It was now D-day for us. We decided that all of us would go down together, which meant including Kelly and Lindsey, as well as Luna. Before we could leave for New Orleans, we had to gather around my desk. The first thing was to write the story of how Vlad would come back to life, reincarnated into his old self from Randy’s body. It worked, but not quite as planned. Instead of the alpha male vampire I expected to see, it was just Randy in Vlad’s very typical, gothic vampire tuxedo—for lack of a better word—silk cape, and ivory walking stick decorated with gold and blood red rubies. At least he got fangs.

  “This is just fabulous. I love it! Here, feel this material. Have you ever felt anything like it? I think not!” After we obliged and checked out his suit, he went into a performance, or attempted a performance of a vampire. He used all of the old clichés from the old movies. It didn’t come off as very convincing. It was still just a little too much Randy and not any Vlad.

  “May I introduce my brother, Vlad the Impaler, gayest vampire this side of Transylvania.” Kelly was acting as if she had a Romanian accent as she said it.

  Randy played up the gay vampire act. “Fang you, fang you very much everyone.” We all laughed extremely hard. When the laughter subsided, I just shook my head. Oh, Vlad, what have I done to you? Are those old witches going to even be the least bit intimidated? Gertie and I took out our little brooms and transported the entire group to her Pussy Plantation.

  They all received a full tour of the mansion, the cats, and the Paranormal Pet Shop. Randy was particularly interested in brainstorming with Gertie, and they hatched a plan that Gertie’s plantation would also become a paranormal bed and breakfast. Supernaturals from around the world could visit New Orleans and the Bayou country without having to compromise their usual magic behavior. They could also commission artwork created by Gertie and decorating services provided by Randy’s keen eye for the new paranormal chic, not to mention that guests could adopt their own magic pets.

  Time had arrived to take the second step. We transported our team down to New Orleans and made our way
to the offices of the Witches Union Local 1313. Esmeralda met us in the lobby as planned and hid everyone except Gertie and me. She opened the doors and led us into the boardroom. There, seated at the table were Isabel, Hilda, and Marie.

  Marie was the first to speak. “So, young witch, I understand you have completed your first draft of Four-Bitten Fangtasy. The fact is, we are not interested in your book. Not at all. We want to meet our new and faithful servant, Vlad the shifter vampire.” Marie was playing along so perfectly well that I started to doubt whether she was really on our side.

  It was Hilda’s turn. “Where is he? I demand to inspect him and see if he is worthy to serve at our bidding.”

  Esmeralda went out of the room and returned with our new vampire. I held my breath. It was obvious now that Esmeralda was right about Hilda and Isabel. All they wanted was to have an incredibly powerful vampire shifter that they could use as a weapon to control, or even eliminate the rest of the supernatural community. Randy stood silently in front of the board. Please don’t say anything stupid, Randy, I thought as I watched Randy strike his vampire pose.

  Isabel leaned forward and squinted her eyes to scrutinize the vampire. “Who the hell is this?”

  “I am Vlad. I am both vampire and werewolf, and I am here to be your loyal servant.”

  Isabel scoffed, “You sure are not the huge muscular beast that I had hoped for.”

  “But really, Isabel, his nails are much nicer than yours.” Hilda observed.

  Randy was so pleased by the compliment that he almost broke character, and I could tell he was about to reply in a typically cheery voice. I had to say something to disrupt everything. “Of course he has nice nails, he is an aristocrat after all. Then again, you old hags wouldn’t know true style if it bit you on the neck.”

  Hilda and Isabel each in turn commanded that he attack Gertie and me. Randy smiled and then in a flash he swooped behind the witches. He bared his fangs and made a wolf-like growl. With the strength of Vlad, he lifted them up. Esmeralda took the opportunity to snatch away their magic wands they used to wield so much power.

  Marie shouted, “Now, Gertie!” Gertie closed her eyes, held out her hands, and recited her incantation. There was a puff of smoke and when it cleared, Randy was holding a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel in each hand. One was light pink and white, the other was violet and blue. Marie looked at them and laughed. “Now, there’s my little bitches.”

  That was how the Witches Union was transformed from a power hungry dictatorship into a benevolent union dedicated to protecting all witches, as well as providing assistance to any other supernatural creature in need.

  The plan had worked out better than we expected, and now that it was complete, we all went our own separate ways. For now the world was good again. I had my Hunter to look forward to in a few weeks. Even as I write this, I am drooling over the thought of seeing him in a police uniform.

  Gertie now had a burgeoning business plan, thanks to her able friend Randy. He had dropped everything and made an immediate move to the plantation to help her. I know he was saddened by the sudden change from Vlad back to his old self, but Gertie happily offered up her skills. She created a complete replacement Vlad, The Vampire suit for him. I missed Gertie from the minute I crash landed in my coat closet upon my return home. I just had to remind myself that Gertie would be back in Chicago on a regular basis. She had her best friends and a steaming hot fireman named Brad waiting for her to get together with him.

  Marie and Esmeralda walked the Quarter with their colorful little spaniels each evening, and they eagerly awaited their regular deliveries of gigolos from the Stud of the Month Club. Thanks to Gertie, they also had their very own flock of flying monkeys.

  Kelly and Lindsey are working hard to get something going with Derek and Luke. I am pretty sure I will be called upon to give them another boost towards hot romance. Possibly, I’ll have a do-over for Sarah and Bill.

  And I can’t forget about the Witches Halloween Gala in Salem. All of us will be walking the red carpet, courtesy of Marie that night.

  Stay tuned for Leigh’s next exciting adventure in Hopeful Leigh.

  And….Gertie’s escapades in a series of her own, The Paranormal Plantation. Featuring – The Paranormal Pet Shop, The Paranormal B&B, and Randy’s Paranormal Chic.

  About the Author

  Bestselling author, Melanie James spent 14 years as an IT systems administrator before tiring of the hustle and bustle of the technology world. She's doing what she loves by writing steamy paranormal, contemporary and romantic comedy books. Melanie has a Bachelor's Degree from the University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh in Leadership and Development, with a minor in Women's Studies. She is currently working on her Master's Degree in Adult Education at the University of Wisconsin-Stout. She will graduate in the fall of 2014.

  She is married to a wonderful man, who supports her dreams and goals. She has two children, three step-children, a beautiful daughter-in-law, and an adorable grand-baby.

  You can find the latest information about her books and fan giveaways at: www.authormelaniejames.com

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