Letters to Lincoln

by Tracie Podger

  I swallowed down a pang of anxiety and scrolled through my contacts until I came to Patricia’s name. There was a moment of pause before I clicked on her name and lifted the phone to my ear. The long distance ringing seemed so familiar yet was the scariest thing I’d heard. The phone rang and rang. I was about to disconnect when she answered.

  “Hello?”

  I found at first I couldn’t speak initially.

  “He…hello. Patricia, it’s…”

  “Dani! Oh my God, Dani, is that you?”

  “Yes, it’s me.” I choked on my words.

  “Oh my. I can’t believe I’m talking to you. How have you been? I really wanted to visit before Christmas but I haven’t been well enough.”

  “What’s wrong, Patricia?”

  “Nothing too serious, but I’m not well enough for the flight. Dani, I can’t believe we’re speaking. I talk to your dad frequently, of course, but nothing beats hearing your voice.”

  I could hear the tears through her words.

  “Patricia, I wished I was calling you for a catch up, just to chat to you. I’d planned that when I could talk again it was because I had something to look forward to, something positive to tell you, but I don’t. I’m going to come straight out with this and it’s going to be huge shock for you. Trey was having an affair, with Helen, my sister-in-law. Or so she says. The worst part, Patricia, Helen has told Christian that Alistair is Trey’s son.”

  The silence that I received extended beyond what I expected, to the extent that I took the phone away from my ear and looked at the screen. I was expecting to see the call had disconnected.

  “Patricia?”

  “I’m here. I just…”

  “I know. It’s come as a huge shock to me as well. I thought you ought to know for several reasons. Alistair is your grandson, but right now, I’m struggling to believe it. I’ve got a request and a question for you, but I’d fully understand if you wanted me to call you back and…”

  “I knew, Dani,” Patricia had interrupted me.

  “You knew? What did you know?”

  “I knew about Alistair. Helen had told me, but please, Dani, I didn’t believe her. I found her to be a vicious and vindictive woman. I honestly did not believe her.”

  It was hard to hold the phone to my ear, as my hand was shaking so hard.

  “You should tell me what you know,” I said, trying hard to keep any aggression from my voice.

  “It was at the hospital, and it was really late. Way beyond visiting hours, if I remember. Trey had…he’d just passed. I needed the restroom, I felt so sick. When I came back she was on her knees by his bedside sobbing. I thought it strange that she had been allowed into his room. It was a nurse, Dani, that told me. Helen had told the nurse that he was the father of her child, so they allowed her to see him. I don’t think it was his regular nurse, because she knew you were down the corridor. I confronted her, of course. I asked her why she’d lied to the nurse and why she was sobbing at his bedside. At first, she tried to dodge the question, and then she told me. She said that Trey was her baby’s father.”

  Patricia paused and I could hear her blow her nose.

  “Please, go on,” I said, although her words were tearing me apart inside.

  “I told her that I didn’t believe her. She held up her hand and had some strands of his hair. She told me that she’d prove it. She spat the words at me, Dani. Her face contorted into anger. I asked if Christian knew, she said that he did. But again, I wasn’t sure that was the truth.”

  “She had his hair in her hands?”

  “Yes, or rather, she said it was his. She was going to hold on to it until the baby was born. I didn’t know what to do; I hope you believe me. As time wore on, I made a decision; right or wrong, not to mention it to you because I thought you’d been through enough. I need you to understand when I say, I would never have tolerated my son having an affair, and I would have had no hesitation in calling him out on that. I didn’t get the chance.”

  Patricia was openly sobbing and the miles that kept us apart intensified that desire to wrap my arms around her because I knew it wasn’t a possibility.

  “I need to ask one question, if you don’t mind. Would Trey have ever called himself Kitt?”

  I heard the sob that caught in her throat. “Kitt was my husband, Trey’s father’s name. Or nickname, I should say.”

  “I thought his name was Henry?”

  “It was, he hated it so used his middle name, Kitt.”

  I’d never met him. When we’d had conversations about him, he’d always used the name Henry.

  “That name was in Helen’s phone. Christian remembers Trey using it once on a holiday. But there’s more. Trey and Helen exchanged letters, or at least Trey wrote to Helen. Christian found them, he hasn’t told me exactly what was in them, he decided to burn them in front of her.”

  “I don’t know what to say, Dani. I’m heartbroken for you right now. I don’t know if I did the right thing by staying quiet. I guess, in my heart, I hoped it was all fake. I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s okay, please don’t apologise, I’d have probably done the same thing had I been in your situation,” I lied.

  “What will happen now?”

  “Christian is saying that he’s going to divorce her. As for Alistair? I don’t know. He’s your grandchild, all that’s left of…” The sob that caught in my throat forbade me from continuing.

  “I can’t…I’m not sure I want to deal with that right now. Does that make me terrible?” she asked.

  “I don’t know what I’d do, either. However, you have the choice, and no one would think any less of you if you decide to have a relationship with him.”

  “To do that, I’d have to have a relationship with Helen, and that’s really not something I can see happening.”

  “Maybe you can write to Alistair, send cards and gifts. Helen could keep them for when he’s older.” Even I doubted that Helen would do that. “Or send them here, Patricia. I’m sure we can get them to him at some point, when he’s old enough to understand he has extended family.”

  I wasn’t sure why I was offering that service, but I needed to get to the point where I didn’t view Alistair in any way other than a baby caught up in someone else’s mess.

  “I’ll need to think about it all. It’s just too much to take in right now. How on earth are you coping, Dani?”

  “All I can say is, I’m just about coping. I’m so angry, but I’m also so confused as well. I keep thinking about our life, to see if I can remember any clues, and there’s just nothing that springs to mind. Right now, I hate how he’s made me feel, I hate that he’s not here to answer to any of this.”

  “I can understand that, I think I’d feel the same. I know he loved you, Dani…”

  “Not enough, Patricia, not enough,” I said, interrupting her.

  I could not listen to anyone tell me Trey loved me. If he had, this would never have happened. I didn’t believe it was possible for him to ‘love’ two people. I would never again accept that he had respect for me, certainly in the latter years. To respect me, would have meant he’d either stayed faithful, or left if he wasn’t happy.

  “I need to go, Dad is calling for dinner,” I said, lying again.

  “Okay, despite the nature of our conversation, it was so good to hear your voice.”

  “I’ll try to get to visit you in a few months. I guess I have to deal with things here, first.”

  “That would be wonderful, I’d be thrilled to see you.”

  We said goodbye and I laid the phone face down on the bedside cabinet. I didn’t want to see those two unread messages from him. I didn’t want the temptation to scroll through the many photographs stored on there, either. I closed my eyes and let more tears fall gently down my cheeks. So it was true. My husband had been having an affair, and like Christian felt, had it been with a stranger, I might have been able to stomach it a little easier.

  I died just a little more in
side that evening.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Christmas week was fast approaching and with it, Christian’s mood deteriorated. I noticed Dad being cautious around him, the slightest mention of Helen or Alistair, or even Christmas, seemed to set off the explosion that had been building inside him. It was awkward, unsettling, and the atmosphere was thick with tension. There came a point when I felt my feelings were brushed aside, and although it wasn’t a competition on who was hurting the most, his anger was overriding anything anyone else felt. I’d lost my cheating husband and my child; Dad had lost his only grandchild. Yet our emotions had to be kept in check.

  Christian travelled to London a couple of times, returning late at night the same day. He hadn’t travelled to see Helen but to check in with work. He’d decided to take an extended holiday, but I wondered how his boss felt about that. I was sure they’d be sympathetic to a degree, but having ‘lost’ my job when the sympathy had run out, I didn’t hold much hope in Christian returning to work full-time if he didn’t get himself back into gear.

  He’d told me that he’d appointed a divorce lawyer to start proceedings, and had chuckled that he hoped paperwork would be served on her on Christmas Eve. That level of nastiness just wasn’t Christian, normally. He was determined to leave Helen with nothing financially; even though I’d pointed out she’d be entitled to half their house at least. His words that day had stunned me, ‘that bastard child will get nothing from me.’

  Dad and I decided to sit in the garden wrapped up for warmth, and with a cup of tea.

  “Do you still want to get a Christmas tree?” I asked.

  “Do you?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Neither do I. Is it wrong of me to be getting angry with Christian? I mean, both of you have been through a traumatic time, but his anger is just escalating.”

  “No, it’s not wrong. It’s as if we don’t count, just his feelings. It’s getting irritating, to be honest. How about we escape for an hour or so to the pub?”

  “I haven’t been to the pub for a long time. Let’s do it. But we can’t exactly go without inviting him, and right now, I’m not sure alcohol and his mood are a good mix.”

  “Maybe you’re right,” I said with a sigh. It felt so wrong to be planning to sneak out of the house without him, but his depression was tiring us all out.

  “I mentioned a counsellor to him but he wasn’t even prepared to listen,” Dad said.

  “I don’t think Chris is the counselling type, to be honest. I think he has to work through this in his own way. What about his friends? I know he’s taken some calls, but maybe we could get in touch with a couple and see if they’d invite him out, or something.”

  “Dani, he’s thirty-five, I’m sure he’d be pretty annoyed if we pulled a stroke like that.”

  “Well, I think I might take a walk, do you want to join me?” I asked.

  Dad gave me a secretive smirk. “I have to do some shopping, up the lane.”

  “At Mrs. Hampton’s? She came down the other day for a visit, didn’t she?”

  “Yes, and she did. She’s invited me visit her.”

  “I think it’s nice,” I said, giving him a smile.

  I rose from my chair, leaving my cup on the table, and waved over my shoulder, as I headed to the side of the garden and out of the gate.

  It wasn’t a conscious decision to take a left towards the church, but I guessed something was calling me that way. When I found myself in the same spot I’d learned about Trey, I paused and sat on the wall. At first I looked out to sea, hoping to maybe see a dolphin or two. The urge I felt to go to Hannah’s grave was strong, but I couldn’t spend time with him. A thought came to me.

  I walked to the gate and towards the church. The door was locked and disappointment washed over me. I’d sort of assumed the door would always be open. At the end of the cemetery, in the furthest corner away from where Trey lay, was a bench. I decided to sit for a while. There was something serene about being in the cemetery, so much history was inscribed on the stone and marble headstones.

  The creak of the iron gate brought me out of my thoughts, and I held my breath when I saw the elderly gentleman I believed to be Lincoln walk in. He headed, without looking towards me, to Anna’s grave. That time, I was close enough to hear him. He placed one hand on the top of her headstone and used it to help him lower enough to lay flowers.

  “Hello, my lovely. I’m sorry not to have visited in a while. I’ve been a little poorly and we had some trouble at home,” he chuckled as he spoke.

  The wind picked up and rustled the leaves on nearby trees, masking his words.

  “…I’m not sure what to do about it. I tried to tell him he’s not doing a kind thing, she won’t appreciate it if she finds out. But he doesn’t listen.”

  Whether I should have been or not, I was interested in what he was saying. He seemed to be looking for guidance from Anna and I wanted to shed a tear for him. I smiled as he made to stand, placing his free hand on his lower back to ease a pain, I imagined. When he turned he caught sight of me. He wrapped his scarf a little tighter around his neck and smiled at me. I smiled back.

  “May I? My old bones give me such pain in this cold weather,” he said, indicating towards the bench.

  “Please, join me for a while. Give those old bones time to acclimatise,” I said.

  He chuckled as he lowered to the bench.

  “Funny how a field full of dead people can be one of the most peaceful places on the earth isn’t it? But then…of course it would be peaceful, it’s not like they can talk, is it?” he said, and then started laughing.

  His laugh was infectious and I soon joined in.

  “Are you visiting your wife?” I asked.

  “I am, but she’s not there.”

  I turned to look at him, the skin around his eyes had creased a little further as he squinted and his lips smirked in mischief. I frowned.

  “You’re probably going to want to run a mile when I tell you this, but I will tell you because you seem like an understanding person.” He patted my knee when he spoke, but it wasn’t in way that had my skin crawl.

  “Tell me,” I said.

  “My wife didn’t want to be buried, she believed the graveyards are so full up it was unfair, and sooner or later, we’ll all be piled on top of each other. So she was cremated and I scattered her ashes. But I wanted a place I could come and talk to her. No one visits Anna, ever. I cleaned up her headstone, weeded a little, everyone deserves a nice resting place, and I pretend it’s my wife there.”

  “Wow, that’s a…”

  “Strange thing to do?”

  “No. I think it’s actually a nice thing to do. Anna gets company, you’re tending to her grave, and you get the comfort of having somewhere to sit and communicate with your wife.”

  I remembered that Daniel had said Anna’s husband wasn’t named Lincoln, and I’d half given up on the idea that the gentleman I was sitting beside, the one I’d seen that time, was him. However…

  “My name’s Daniella, but everyone calls me Dani,” I said, turning on the bench slightly to extend my hand.

  “Lincoln, but everyone calls me…well, Lincoln. Pleased to meet you, Dani.”

  I froze with my hand held in his. His humour threw me; it was the only thing that didn’t match my image of him.

  He smiled and I searched his face for any sign of recognition, there was none, and I gently removed my hand from his.

  “Do you come here often?” he asked.

  “My…my daughter is buried here,” I said.

  “I’m sorry to hear that. No one should have to bury their child, it must be terribly painful for you.”

  “It is. You know she’s actually buried with someone I’d rather she wasn’t, and I came here today to see how one goes about exhumation.”

  “Exhumation?”

  “Yes, you know, remove the…”

  “I know what it means. Dig up the coffins and move them someplace el
se. I won’t ask why, unless you want me to, of course. I get the sense you have a lot of words inside you that need to come out.”

  There was something familiar in what he’d just said.

  “Lincoln is an unusual name, I bet there aren’t that many around,” I said, still fishing.

  “My father was Lincoln, so is my son. So I know of three of us,” he replied, still chuckling.

  Although I was disappointed that he possibly wasn’t the Lincoln from my letters, I was enjoying his company.

  “Do you live locally?”

  “No, I used to. Now I’m in the old people’s home about a mile from here. I quite enjoy it really. The nurses are nice.”

  Somehow I thought he was trying to convince himself more than me.

  “Do they look after you well?”

  “They do, they’re so pushed though. I’m quite able to take care of myself, unlike some of the other poor souls in there. And of course, I do escape as often as I can. They’ll be hunting the grounds for me because I don’t tell them when I’m off on a travel.”

  I watched as he pulled up the sleeve of his overcoat to check on the time.

  “I guess I ought to get back, I’ve been gone an hour now.”

  “How will you get back? A mile is a long walk,” I said.

  “Oh, I have a car.”

  He rose and adjusted his coat. “It was a pleasure to talk with you, Dani. Hopefully, we’ll do that again, soon.”

  I stood and shook his outstretched hand. “I enjoyed meeting you, too. And I’d love to chat again, soon.”

  He nodded before smiling and walking away, leaving me a little bemused.

  Was that my Lincoln? Could he have pretended not to know me to keep our letter exchange the enigma they’d become? He’d never mentioned my casual request to meet in person and maybe, if he was in a home, he wouldn’t want to. But then he said he had a car. I spun on my heels, there hadn’t been the sound of a car engine starting, and I hadn’t heard one the first time I’d been at the cemetery and he’d walked in. I raced for the gate but by the time I’d gotten there, he was nowhere to be seen.