Everybody spoke, but I just stared up into his slanted, light, brown eyes and felt my heart stir. I’d always had the biggest crush on Serg, but there was no way I’d ever admit it to anyone. I respected my friend Cherie, so I kept my feelings to myself. That didn’t take away from how fine he was though. He was even darker than Kamal and I loved dark skinned men. He was about 6’2 and was built as hell. His big arms alone were enough to make a woman weak with desire. When I felt Kamal’s hand on the small of my back, I looked away from Serg.
“Yo’ Mal and Sasha, congrats on your engagement. That’s some real shit. Ya’ll young as fuck though,” he said with a grin.
“Thanks man.” Kamal glanced at me.
“Yeah, thank you.”
“We ain’t in no rush though. We’re young, but we both know what we want,” Kamal added.
Serg nodded and then took a sip of his Corona. “Let me holla at you for a minute Mal.”
Kamal walked off with him and Nadia pulled my arm so that I could dance with her. “Yeah,” by Usher was playing and I loved that song. As we all gathered around and shook our asses to the beat I felt somebody all up on me.
At first I thought it was Kamal, but when I looked up he was still talking to Serg. When I turned around to see who was invading my personal space I noticed that it was that bitch Brielle. My girls hadn’t seen her because they were facing the same direction that I was.
“What bitch? You wanna fuck me now?” I asked as I pushed her away from me. “Shit. I should’ve known you liked pussy, how you be all up on me and shit.”
“Oh bitch. I’m ‘bout to fuck yo’ ass!” She screamed. “Just like I fucked yo’ man.”
I didn’t even see the blade in her hand as she swung at me. In the nick of time I moved so that she cut my arm. At first I thought she had just hit me, but the sight of blood told me otherwise.
“That hoe cut me!” I screamed out.
My girls were on her like white on rice. They were making it hard for me to get to her ass. Then it was on to Amika who was getting stumped out by Cherie and Nadia. Bells and Jordan were helping me handle that hoe Brielle. I picked up the blade and put it to her neck.
“What’s stoppin’ me from killin’ you bitch!” I hissed as I pressed that shit into her skin.
The sight of her blood didn’t deter me, but one person’s voice did.
“Me, I’m stoppin’ you. Don’t do it baby.”
Of course Kamal was going to stop me and Serg and his boys had pulled my girls off of Brielle and Amika.
“Fuck you hoe!” I pulled the blade from her neck, but I punched her in the face hard as hell one last time.
Kamal picked me up and carried me away because I was so ready to go into that heifer again. He grabbed the blade from my hand. I looked on as they put Brielle and Amika out of the party. Damn, all I could think about was drowning that bitch in that damn pool. What the fuck was her beef with me? My eyes met Kamal’s.
“She’s doin’ too much for you not to have fucked her!” I hissed at him angrily.
“I never fucked her ma…”
“Don’t ma me! Tell me the truth Kamal! I know how you drink. Did you get drunk and fuck that hoe? Tell me the truth right now!”
He looked up at me and shook his head. “It was before we got together. When I first moved here. It was like the first week I was in school and shit. I fucked her, but it only happened once. After that we met and I fell in love with you. I never liked her like that. It was only sex. I’m tellin’ you the truth. I guess she’s still holdin’ on to that shit, but I don’t want her. I only want you. I put a ring on your finger and…”
I slapped the shit out of him. “What the fuck you mean nigga? All this time I been fightin’ that bitch and you just tellin’ me this shit now! All this time you’ve been lyin’ to my face! You better be glad you took that fuckin’ blade outta my hand!”
Kamal rubbed his face as I turned and stormed out of the front door of Cherie’s house. Tears stung my eyes and I hastily wiped them away as I headed to my car.
“Sasha! Sasha! Baby wait!” I heard Kamal yell out behind me.
Instead of reacting to him, I got in the car and turned the key in the ignition just as he started banging on my window.
“C’mon baby. Stop! Talk to me! Please! Sasha! Baby! Stop!”
Hitting the gas, I backed away from him not giving a damn if I ran over his fucking foot.
Lying ass nigga. After all that I’d been through he dropped that bomb on me. I knew that it was something with that bitch Brielle. I knew it. Still, I’d trusted him when he said he’d never touched that nasty hoe. At that point I hated Kamal, so I slid his bullshit ass engagement ring off my finger. There was no way I was going to marry him after that.
* * *
Two weeks had passed since all of the craziness went down at Cherie’s graduation party. The cut on my arm wasn’t that deep, so I didn’t need stitches or anything. I still wasn’t talking to Kamal and his ring was in the bottom of the purse I was carrying that night. Of course that nigga was trying his best to get me to hear him out. My birthday was only a few days away and I was missing my man. He’d always made my birthday special and without my father around, I was longing for his companionship. That didn’t matter though, because I was still pissed at him. It was killing me that he’d lied to me for so long. What else was he lying about? His perfect persona wasn’t fooling me anymore and I was done with him.
“Sasha, Kamal’s downstairs. You can’t keep avoiding him,” my Aunt Mo said as she peeked into the bedroom at me.
“Yes I can. I hope I get a late acceptance to Spellman, ‘cause there’s no way I’m followin’ him to Tennessee State after what he did to me. I’d be stupid.”
Aunt Mo shook her head. “I told you I’ll see what I can do to get you in. However, when it comes to Kamal that’s complicated. It’s obvious that he loves you, but I understand why you’re mad. Still, avoiding him isn’t going to solve anything. You’re going to have to talk to him sooner or later. You need to.”
I sighed and stood up. “Okay. Tell him I’ll be down in a minute.”
As my Aunt left the room I headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth and do something to my hair. I couldn’t let that nigga think I was moping around the house thinking about him.
After I was done getting myself together I slowly made my way down the stairs. Kamal was sitting in the living room talking to Aunt Mo and Jeremiah. When he looked up at me I could see the regret in his eyes, but it didn’t move me at all. I was still pissed and I was only talking to him because my Aunt had convinced me to. If it wasn’t for her and my girls telling me to give him a chance to say his piece that shit wouldn’t be happening.
“C’mon Jerry. Let’s give them some privacy,” she said as she noticed my entrance.
They both got up and left the room just as I sat down on the recliner across from Kamal.
“Hey bae…”
“Don’t come up in here with that bae shit like we’re cool Kamal. Say what you gotta say and leave me the fuck alone.”
My attitude was on one hundred and there was no simmering down for me anytime soon. As much as I loved him, I couldn’t take the thought of him being with Brielle. It was all I could think about.
“You’re my woman…” His words trailed off as his eyes drifted to my naked finger. “Where the fuck is your ring?”
“I threw it away at the party.” I lied. “What’s the point of me wearin’ your ring anyway? We aint’ gettin’ married.”
“Oh, yes we are. We’re gettin’ married Sasha. You gon’ get over this bullshit and…”
“Get over it? Why the fuck didn’t you just tell me the truth in the first place? If it happened before us all you had to do was tell me. I’ve been askin’ you for almost two years and you kept sayin’ nothing ever happened. It makes me wonder what the hell else you’re lyin’ about. What else are you not telling me? Marry you? How can I do that when I don’t trust you!” I wish he’d
just get the hell away from me before I did something to hurt him.
“Baby, I didn’t tell you ‘cause when we first met you said you didn’t like her. If I had told you I felt like you wouldn’t have wanted to be with me. I fucked up, but you can trust me Sasha. I never meant to hurt you and I promise that I ain’t keepin’ nothing else from you. I’m tellin’ you the truth. I love you and I wouldn’t have proposed to you if I don’t want to be with you. That shit with Brielle was years ago and I’ve only been with you since. I don’t ever want to be without you. Honestly, I can’t imagine my life without you. I don’t want to.” His eyes were sincere and I knew that he loved me, but I didn’t want to allow myself to get hurt anymore.
“You pretend to be so damn sweet and shit, but you’re just like every other man out there. I’ve lost enough and I ain’t tryna lose myself. You can go. I heard all I want to hear from you. I’m not convinced that I can trust you, or that you’ll even stick around. We’re too young for marriage anyway. Who are we foolin’?”
“Sasha, baby…”
“Please stop, please…Just leave.”
He looked at me and shook his head. Defeat was etched on his face, but I didn’t care. All I wanted him to do was leave me alone. When he got up and headed to the door I stopped him.
“Wait.”
He stood there at the door as I got up to leave the room. I found the bag I was carrying that night and dug the ring out. I clutched it in my sweaty palm as the tears burned my eyes. They threatened to fall, but I wiped them away before he could see them. Crumbling was not the plan and I didn’t even want to keep his ring. I cleared my throat to let him know that I was back in the room. He spun around and looked down at me.
“I’m sorry ma. I really am…”
“Save it Kamal. Here. Take your ring.” I held my hand out, but he shook his head.
“I don’t want the ring back Sasha. I want you.” His voice was shaky like he was about to cry.
“I can’t be with you and I don’t want your ring. Take it.”
“No! I said I don’t want the ring! Why won’t you just let that shit with Brielle go ma. I told you that chick don’t mean nothing to me. I love you. Please Sasha…Just give me another chance. Keep the ring.”
My level of frustration was at an all-time high and I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t taking me seriously. I didn’t want to be with him anymore and I was so pissed that if we weren’t in my Aunt’s house, I would’ve really did something to hurt him. It was time to shut him down for real and talking wasn’t doing it. Actions always spoke louder than words. Without saying anything, I put the ring on the small, round table by the front door. After that I turned and left the room.
A few minutes later my Aunt was at my bedroom door again. All I wanted was to be left alone.
“You okay?” She asked after I reluctantly invited her in.
“I will be.” I sighed.
She held the ring up and all I could do was shake my head.
“So, he won’t take the ring back.” It wasn’t a question because she had the evidence in her hand.
“I thought he would, but at least he left.”
“He’s still outside sittin’ in his car.”
“I wish he’d just leave me alone.”
“No you don’t.”
“Yes, I do!” I spat angrily. “Why don’t you leave me alone too and let me handle my own relationship!”
Aunt Mo didn’t even entertain my little outburst. She simply placed the ring on the dresser and walked toward the door. “I know that you’re in your feelings because of everything that’s going on, but you need to calm down young lady.”
I let out a sigh and put on my shoes. “I’m sorry Auntie. I’m just goin’ through a lot and you know that.” Looking away from her, I took a deep breath to get myself together. “Let me go outside and talk to him. He’s not going to just leave I see.”
“Don’t be so hard on him Sasha,” she said as I made my way down the stairs.
“Why are you on his side? He lied to me.”
“I’m not on his side. I’m just saying.”
I shook my head and rushed down the last few steps before making my way outside. Kamal was still sitting in his car, but it wasn’t even running. He just knew that I was going to come outside. His window slid down as soon as he saw me.
“You already know I don’t give up that easily,” he said getting out of the car.
“Don’t, don’t get out. I came out here to tell you to leave ‘cause you’re makin’ a scene and…”
“I ain’t makin’ a scene. I’m chillin’ and shit. You’re the one yellin’ and not tryna hear what the fuck I gotta say.”
Okay, so now he was all mad, but I didn’t care.
“Why you cussin’ at me when you the one who got caught up in your lies! That wasn’t me. I haven’t killed you nigga, so consider yourself lucky! Me not hearin’ you out is the least of your worries! You know who my daddy is. Do you think I’m scared to hurt you?”
He shook his head no.
“I’m glad you know that. I haven’t done it because after all the lies I still love your ass!” The tears couldn’t be held back any longer.
When they started falling I wanted to disappear. Damn, I didn’t want him to see me break like that. I needed him to see me being strong like always. Tears only diminished the image that I was trying to portray at the moment. Being weak was not going to drive my point, so I dried my eyes.
“Baby, I lied, but that don’t take away from my feelings for you. When I tell you that Brielle means nothing that’s the honest truth. She never meant anything to me and I ain’t willing to lose what we have over her. I love you.”
Suddenly I felt like I was about to snap, so I closed my eyes and counted backwards like my anger management counselor had taught me. That shit didn’t work because I went in on Kamal’s lame ass.
“Don’t you tell me that you love me again, because I don’t give a fuck about that right now! I already told you how I feel and it hasn’t changed because you don’t want to face the fact that I’m done with you! I don’t want to marry you! Brielle can have you since she wants you so bad! You need to leave now because I’m really, really sick of lookin’ at you! I can make a phone call right now and get somebody to come get you outta my face! Believe that.” I thought about calling Serg, but that would probably not be a good move.
Kamal’s jaw twitched and he bit his bottom lip to contain his emotions. As he nodded he opened his car door.
“A’ight ma. I’ll give you some time, but I ain’t givin’ up on us. You can feel how you choose to feel ‘bout that.”
He got in the car and drove off and I felt relieved, but hurt at the same time. I wanted him to fight for us some more, but what man would keep fighting after the threat I’d just made. No man his age with no back up would want to go against the goons that I knew. As I shook my head, I headed back to the front door feeling like my young life was in shambles. How could everything be going wrong all at once?
Chapter 4
“Birthday girl, guess what came in the mail?” My Aunt Mo passed me an envelope.
I already knew that it was from Spellman, but I was afraid to open it. When I read the envelope and confirmed my suspicions my heart skipped a beat.
“I can’t…”
“Open it now,” she said sternly.
With a nervous smile I tore it open and skimmed over the letter. “Yes! I got in!”
I jumped up and started twerking as my Aunt fell out in laughter. “Congratulations boo!” She shrieked.
“All thanks to you.” I suddenly got serious and sat down on the bed. “I want to thank you for everything, but I’m a grown woman now. I’m eighteen and I want to move back into the condo. You already know that I ain’t tryna live on campus.”
Aunt Mo smiled knowingly as she nodded. “I already know you and I also know that you’re used to having your own space. You’re an adult now and I knew that this was coming. Jus
t know that I’m always here for you and my door is always open. I’m so proud of you.”
We hugged and I didn’t want to let her go. “Thank you so much.”
“So, what are your plans for tonight? It’s your eighteenth birthday!”
“Me and the girls’ll probably get together and do something later. I don’t know. Honestly, I’m not really up to it.”
“Hmm, have you talked to Kamal?”
“No and I don’t want to talk to him. This isn’t about him…”
“You know your dad’s going to call you.”
I sighed. “I know, but what’s a phone call? I miss him. It’s my first birthday without him.”
“I know you miss him, but there’s nothing we can do right now to change his circumstances. We just have to make the best of it.”
Damn, I was tired of hearing her say that. It was like my counselor was telling her what to say to me, but I was sick of the clichés. In all actuality life wasn’t that damn easy. Honestly it fucking sucked from my point of view, but I was getting used to that. As a matter of fact, I had come to expect it.
My phone rang and it was Kamal again. Instead of answering, I just let it ring. He was trying his best to get through to me, but I wasn’t trying to hear it. As far as I was concerned I was done. I’d lost my first love due to gun violence. The thing was, it was all because of that bitch Brielle. Her boo at the time Marquis, thought Daniel wanted her, but she was the one trying to fuck him. We’d been rivals since middle school ever since this boy she liked named Quentin asked me to the sweetheart dance. She decided to fixate on fucking with me after that and losing another man that I loved was the result of it. Kamal had survived, but it was over between us. My rivalry with Brielle lived on because her nigga was locked up for killing my boyfriend. It was really screwed up being that it was all her fault. She was trying to get with Daniel and her dude saw that shit. When he confronted her she blamed it all on Daniel. A few days later Daniel was gunned down leaving a corner store while I waited in the car for him. I saw that nigga Marquis holding the smoking gun in his hand. That shit was like déjà vu’. All I could think about was how I had lost my mother. It felt like it was happening to me all over again.
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