Reluctant Desire

by Leah Brooke

  Beau ran a hand through his hair, his expression one of frustration. “I damned well will be there for you, and my children, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy life! There’s not a damned thing wrong with enjoying your work. You don’t know how to play. To relax. To have fun.”

  She gestured toward the papers on her desk, while mentally running through the list of things she still had to do before the grand reopening. She could feel her neck tighten up almost immediately, the stress of worrying about getting everything done on time giving her the beginning of a headache. “I don’t have time to play.”

  Beau’s expression softened, his voice dropping to an intimate drawl as he closed the distance between them. “Yes, you do. You play with me.”

  Charity moaned at the feel of his warm lips against her neck, sighing at the feel of being enveloped in his warmth. “You’re corrupting me. Damn it, Beau, I’ve got work to do. I don’t have time for this. Please go.”

  She’d made the mistake of falling in love with a man she could never live with, and it hurt. Afraid that she would start crying in front of him, she swallowed the lump in her throat and pushed him away. “Please. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I can’t take any more today. Please.”

  Beau released her, his face hardening as he stepped away from her. “Fine. I’ve had enough of this conversation myself. I’m tired of wasting my time with a woman who doesn’t love me enough to believe in me—a woman who’s so embarrassed about loving me that she doesn’t even want her family to know.”

  Shaking his head, he smiled sadly. “It’s funny. Our relationship is the only thing in this world you don’t take seriously. I’m just a man who knows how to satisfy you. When you do decide to take what I feel for you seriously, you know where to find me.”

  Sucking in a breath at the sharp stab of pain and fear, she stared up at him, chilled by the distance he’d put between them, both physically and emotionally. “What are you saying?”

  Beau eyes narrowed, becoming hard and cold. “I’m saying that I’m tired of playing your games. You know how I feel about you. You know that I want to marry you. I’m not going to let you keep putting me through this emotional wringer, Charity.”

  The lump in Charity’s throat threatened to choke her. Even though she swallowed heavily, her voice didn’t come out as more than a ragged whisper. “Are you saying that you don’t want to be with me anymore?”

  God, it hurt!

  It hurt even more than she’d expected—more than she thought she could bear.

  Beau’s sad smile made her stomach hurt even more. “No, Charity. I’m saying I want to spend my life with you. You say you don’t want to play games—then commit. To this. To us. When you’re ready to do that, I’ll be waiting. I don’t want to hide what we have anymore. I don’t want to wonder if I’m going to see you, and wonder what you’re going to do when people find out about us. I love you, Charity, and because I do, I can’t live this way anymore.” Turning, he started out the door.

  Charity stared after him, stunned. Jumping to her feet, she held on to her desk, her knees turning to rubber. “Beau! You can’t do this. You like to play. We play. Why the hell do you have to want more?”

  Pausing, he braced a hand on the doorframe, sighing as he half turned. “I told you. Because I love you, cher, and I want a life with you. I want it all. I’m tired of trying to convince you of that. You’re just going to have to figure it out on your own.”

  Stunned, she watched him turn and walk away.

  She stood for several heart-pounding seconds, her breath coming out in rapid gulps as she tried to comprehend what had just happened. Panicked that she’d ruined everything and just lost the man she loved, she leapt forward, hitting her leg on the corner as she raced to the doorway of her office just in time to see him close the front door behind him.

  What had she done?

  Furious at him, and at herself, and more scared than she’d ever been in her life, she moved on shaky legs around her desk and dropped into her seat.

  What the hell had she done?

  She’d ruined everything. She couldn’t let it end. She just couldn’t.

  The phone rang, startling her so badly she jumped, a sob escaping. Whipping her head around to look at it, and surprised that her vision blurred, she waited for it to ring again before she reached for it with hands that shook.

  Picking up the receiver, she swallowed a sob and cleared her throat. “Hello?”

  “Miss Sanderson?”

  Disappointed—devastated—that it wasn’t Beau’s voice, she swallowed again, fresh tears blurring her vision.

  “Yes. Who’s calling?” She hoped whoever it was didn’t notice that her voice cracked.

  “This is Joe, the manager of Carpet Mart. I wanted to apologize again for the misunderstanding, and I just wondered if you were still going to be able to come in today.”

  Taking a shaky breath, and then another, she stared toward the doorway as if Beau would magically appear again, and struggled to focus on the conversation.

  Blowing out a breath, she forced a calmness into her voice, while her insides shook. “Yes, I’m leaving now. Thank you, Joe.” She looked at the clock. With the snowstorm expected the next day, she didn’t want to be stuck, unable to get to Tulsa. “I’ll be there in about an hour.”

  “Are you sure?”

  Reaching for a tissue from the box on her desk, Charity attempted to keep the anguish from her voice at the realization that her plans with Beau tonight had been cancelled. “Yes.”

  She hung up on whatever Joe said to her, finding it impossible to focus.

  Taking several deep breaths, she dropped her head in her hands and struggled to stop shaking.

  She couldn’t believe it was over. Doubling over, she squeezed her eyes closed, unsurprised that tears ran down her face.

  God, it hurt.

  Suddenly finding it hard to breathe in the confines of her office, she got to her feet and wiped her eyes, grabbed the checkbook for the club, and shoved it in her purse.

  She needed some air, and hoped that a drive would help her calm down. Maybe if she had some time to think, she could figure out what to do about fixing the mess she’d made of things with Beau.

  She had to fix it. She didn’t have to rely on someone to take care of her. She didn’t care if he wanted to play all the time. She had to have him in her life.

  The alternative was inconceivable.

  Chapter Four

  Shivering against the cold that seemed to go all the way to her bones, Charity turned the heat up a little higher as she turned on to the road leading out of town.

  She couldn’t seem to stop shaking, and suspected it had as much to do with nerves and her fear of losing Beau as it did the weather.

  The sky seemed darker than she’d expected, especially since the blizzard wasn’t due to hit until the following morning, but the darkened sky fit her mood.

  Everything seemed distant, as though nothing could penetrate the dark cloud of shock and sense of loss that surrounded her.

  She stayed on the back roads as much as possible, too distracted to deal with traffic, and hopeful that the drive would help clear her head.

  The image of the way Beau looked right before he turned away from her played over and over in her mind. His eyes, usually dancing and playful had been hard, the glint of hurt in them slicing through her like a knife.

  The image wouldn’t go away, making the knot in her stomach tighten more each time she thought about it.

  She couldn’t believe he’d given her an ultimatum like that.

  In hindsight, she realized that, if not for his patience with her, he would have done it sooner.

  Blowing out a breath did nothing to relieve any of her tension.

  Nothing would, until she fixed things with Beau.

  He’d never given her any reason to doubt him. Her own insecurities fed her need to keep him at an emotional distance.

  She’d always felt so bland
and boring next to her outgoing and charming sister, and couldn’t believe a man as incredible as Beau would want her. She’d used his playful nature as an excuse to reinforce her belief that he could never want more than just fun with her.

  A bitter sob escaped.

  “Why the hell would a man like Beau pick someone like me for fun? Oh, Beau. I must have been such a trial for you. You could have any woman you wanted, and you picked someone like me.”

  She looked in her rearview mirror to see the sign for Desire, slowing slightly as the need to turn back to town became nearly overwhelming. “Damn it, Beau. You’ve got me so mixed up.”

  Thankful that no one was on the road to see her talking to herself, she wiped another tear, noticing for the first time that it had started to snow.

  Flipping through her mental calendar, she confirmed that it was Friday. Frowning, she thought about the weather forecast she’d seen the other day, she remembered that they’d predicted that the storm would arrive on Saturday afternoon.

  She remembered it well.

  She’d been in Beau’s bed at the time, wrapped in his arms and still trembling from his lovemaking.

  He’d been nuzzling her neck during most of the weather report, so she’d missed some of it, but could clearly remember Beau mentioning something about the storm starting on Saturday afternoon. He’d been particularly playful that night and she’d forgotten all about everything else.

  Smiling, she thought about how much they’d laughed that night.

  She had to get him back.

  Or, would it be better for both of them if she let it end now?

  “No. Not happening. You and I are going to have this out, Beau. I’m not letting you walk away from me.”

  Swallowing a sob, Charity reached down to turn the wipers on high.

  The snow continued to fall, becoming heavier by the minute. When the wind began to pick up, she started to curse, tightening her grip on the wheel, fighting to keep her car in the center of the lane.

  She should have stayed home. She should be back in Desire right now, in bed with Beau, instead of driving on a slippery road.

  Damned weather forecasters.

  Seeing the brake lights on the car on front of her, Charity tapped her own brakes, a little shaken when she lost traction. It only lasted a second or two, but it made her even more nervous.

  Putting a little more distance between her and the car in front of her, Charity slowed even more. Surprised by the amount of snow that had already fallen, she sat up straighter, shifting her shoulders in an effort to ease the tight muscles there.

  The snow seemed to be coming down harder by the minute. With a curse, she turned on the radio, trying to push thoughts of Beau out of her mind and concentrate on her driving.

  She wished Beau was here. She had to admit that with him at the wheel, she wouldn’t have been concerned at all. She would have felt completely safe with him—just as she would have with any of the other men in Desire.

  They were a strange breed, liberal in many ways and totally old-fashioned in others.

  She was probably prejudiced, but Charity considered the men of Desire perfect, and just what a man should be.

  Frowning, she realized she’d included Beau part of that group.

  Her thoughts went back to the night he’d taken her virginity, something she thought about often.

  He’d been so patient with her, and had made love to her with a gentleness that brought tears to her eyes each time she thought about it. He’d teased her fears away, making her laugh when she got too nervous. He’d been the most magnificent lover, drawing out their lovemaking until every inch of her body tingled with awareness and she’d wanted him so much that all fear fled and most of her inhibitions melted away.

  She’d been so aroused that even the slight sting of pain as he entered her didn’t quite register at first, but Beau had paused, holding her and murmuring to her soothingly until it eased.

  He’d told her over and over how much it meant to him to be her first lover, and had eased her fears with a playfulness and affection that made the experience special—a memory she would never forget.

  She hadn’t given her virginity lightly, and he’d made it clear that he hadn’t taken it lightly, either.

  Since that night, Beau had become possessive, and even more protective than ever.

  Beau made her feel special. He made her feel beautiful and desired. She felt good when she was with him.

  If she was honest with herself, she’d started to fall in love with him before she slept with him. She’d been falling harder ever since. In bed, he was loving, caring, teasing, and so incredibly wonderful.

  She should have stayed home.

  If she and Beau had been snowed in together, she knew they’d spend the entire day making love.

  The epitome of tall, dark, and handsome, Beau somehow managed to be both elegant and masculine—and the kindest, most patient man she’d ever known.

  He’d pulled her away from work more times than she could count, teasing her out of her bad moods, and making her laugh when she’d been knee deep in problems.

  He handled her without seeming to handle her at all.

  Her car slid again, startling her out of her musings. She gripped the steering wheel even tighter, shocked at how hard it was snowing and that several inches of it had already coated the road. It crunched under her tires, making her lose tractions several times, forcing her to slow down even more. The slight traffic had lightened considerably, so much so that she hardly saw another car now. It had gotten even darker, much darker than it should have been in the middle of the afternoon.

  She realized she hadn’t paid any attention to the radio at all, and annoyed with the static, reached over to turn it off.

  As she drove, she saw fewer and fewer cars, and the snow just kept piling up, increasing the sense of isolation.

  Shivering, she turned the heat up as high as she could, wishing Beau was there to keep her warm. She wouldn’t have worried much at all if she’d been with him.

  He would have made it an adventure.

  Life with him would always be fun. Exciting.

  Damn it, Charity, stop thinking about him and just concentrate on driving.

  Tense and alarmed at the number of times she skidded, Charity leaned forward, and with a white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel, inched her way toward Tulsa.

  She breathed a sigh of relief when she finally reached the city, and smiled when she saw several plow trucks passing her as they went in the opposite direction.

  Knowing the roads would be cleared, she wanted to hurry so she could get back on the road before the snow accumulated all over again, and get home.

  She couldn’t wait to get back to Beau.

  She didn’t know yet what she would say, but she loved him too much to let what they had end.

  Not until he’d walked away from her did she realize how much he’d endured for her, and just how much he had to love her.

  “Jesus, Charity. How could you have been so stupid?” Grimacing, she watched for traffic. “Great. Talking to yourself again.”

  With the roads nearly deserted, it didn’t surprise her to find plenty of parking in front of the carpet store.

  The parking lot hadn’t yet been plowed, so she had to drive slowly, and got stuck twice. Once she got her small car moving again, she pulled in close to the building, out of the wind and where the snow hadn’t accumulated as much. Getting out of the car, she sucked in a breath at the shock of cold air and hurriedly pulled her coat closer, and pulled her scarf higher to cover her mouth and nose.

  Wishing she’d worn her boots, Charity ducked her head against the icy wind and snow, and made her way around the corner of the building and into the store.

  Her sneakers were soaked before she got to the door of the store, but at least they provided traction.

  Looking forward to a hot shower, and Beau, she pulled the door open and walked into the store, wincing at the squishing sound he
r shoes made on the tile floor.

  A man approached her at once, the man she recognized from dealing with him before. “Hello, Miss Sanderson. I’ve got the samples all set aside for you.”

  “Thanks, Joe.” Following him to the counter, she grimaced as the cold seeped through her socks. “I want to get out of here as soon as possible. I can’t believe the snow started already. If that inept salesman had taken the order right the first time, I wouldn’t have had to come out in this.”

  The older man frowned and rubbed his protruding stomach, looking more than a little nervous. “Yes, well, he doesn’t work here anymore. I’m sorry for the mix-up, and I’m really sorry that you had to come out in this. I heard they’d changed the forecast and predicted that the storm would come a day early, but I didn’t realize it would start this soon. I tried to call you back, but you’d already left.”

  In the process of writing her check, Charity stilled. “You’re kidding, right?”

  “No.” Joe gestured toward the wall of windows and outside to where the snowstorm seemed to have gotten even more intense. “I wish I was. I stayed open just to wait for you. As soon as you leave, I’m closing and going home.”

  Charity finished writing the check and accepted her receipt, folding it and putting it in the compartment of her purse for just that purpose. “If I had known, I wouldn’t have come out. I missed the news. I was halfway here before it started snowing, and I really thought it would only be an inch or two before the storm.”

  “Maybe you should stay in town until this blows over.”

  Shaking her head, Charity grabbed her keys from the counter and started out, consumed by a sense of urgency. “No. Several snowplows passed me on the way here. Hopefully, I can just follow one of them. Call me and let me know what day the carpet’s going to be delivered.”

  As soon as she stepped outside, the cold air stole her breath. Hurrying to her car, she cursed when she saw all the snow that had piled on it while she’d been inside. “Damned stupid snowstorm.”