“You are nothing like your father,” she said softly.
“You don’t know shit! You didn’t even know him!”
“I didn’t but I do know you, Xan. You didn’t let his distorted and warped character destroy you; you’ve made something of yourself.”
“I didn’t go to fancy schools, Catalina. The things I did would shake your whole world and shock your sense of right and wrong,” he argued.
“You did what you had to in order to survive. You think I don’t understand that? That I would condemn it and you with it? You might pretend otherwise, but I know that part of you is pushing for this fighting school because you want to give kids like you an outlet for their aggression. You want to teach them more than how to fight; you want to pass on to them discipline, purpose and all the things that saved your life when you needed it the most. Your father would have never done something like that, not only because he hadn’t seen any gain in it for himself. He simply would have never even thought about it. Tell me I am wrong!” She demanded pointing a finger at him.
“You are wrong!” He muttered and she just smiled.
She stood there and smiled like a crazy person because she saw in his eyes that he was listening to her now, even if he didn’t want to acknowledge the facts.
“You are trying to scare me off because I came too close. You have a right to your emotions, whatever they might be, Xan. You are constantly angry because you’ve been hurt and this hurt is still within you. It hasn’t been attended to, hasn’t passed away on its own. It’s like a living and breathing entity inside of you. That is why you can’t see past the anger. He might be dead, but he still holds power over you. You are allowing him to win when you keep this hate,” she said softly and he jerked out of her hold.
“Nobody owns me! You have no idea what you are talking about!”
“Don’t I? Let me tell you one more thing; I could have never loved a selfish man, a murderer, especially not after what happened to my parents. But I love you because you are everything else but that kind of a man.” She looked him straight in the eye and saw his eyes going wide and wild.
She was destroying him, he thought.
Pulling him toward a precipice just to leave him on the edge and then cut him at the knees, shoving him into the abyss until he was free falling without any hope of regaining balance or footing. She stripped him bare, taking the whole control in her delicate and capable hands.
“Stop!” He demanded roughly.
“Why? Because I am destroying the image you had of yourself for way too long? I know you care about me too, even if you have never said so. I can feel it in the way you touch me.”
“You have to stop, Catalina.” He needed a moment to think.
A space between one breath and another so he could make sense of all that she was saying.
“Make me,” she challenged him, and Xan’s last threads of common sense burned down, taking any trace of civilization with it, leaving nothing but pure instinct driving him now.
He gripped her shoulders one more time and bent his head to attack her defenseless lips. Defenseless because the assault was the last thing she was expecting and it was an onslaught, plain and simple.
She should have fought him when his tongue plunged into the depths of her mouth but she didn’t, allowing him to take whatever he wanted, however he wanted.
He moved his hands to peel down the top of her dress until he bared her breasts, covered by black lace. He murmured sexual words of appreciation when he rid her bosom of their confines.
She moaned when he dipped his head to lick at her suddenly pebbled nipples. Catalina gripped his biceps, trying to anchor herself in reality, but her whole world was shaking and her vision blurred when she felt his teeth tugging at her sensitive flesh.
He pushed her against the door until the cool face of the wood kissed her cheek. But his presence behind her was an inferno. Xan took her hands in his, guiding them up just to pin them palms-down on the wooden surface.
“Keep them there.” He ordered and she shuddered.
Cat wanted to ask what would happen if she didn’t heed the order but he chose the moment for his wandering hands to roam under her dress, rolling it up, and a breath escaped her.
“Give in to me, Cat,” he whispered wickedly into her ear and she shivered, not only because of the words but also because a second later his teeth closed over her earlobe and he bit down.
The unexpected combination of pain and pleasure caused her to moan and it didn’t sound like a protest.
So he didn’t stop.
He was trembling himself, and not only from the desire that she inspired in him. Her love declaration kept replaying in his head without a break, intensifying his need and fanning the fire burning him alive.
He wanted to set them both afire.
He buried his face in her neck, trying to breathe and control himself, but she started rolling her bottom enticingly and he just about lost it. His sexual hunger coiled ever tighter, taking him in an unapologetic grip.
“I can’t wait, Kitten.” He kissed her neck in an apology and opened the front of his jeans.
His hand reached between their bodies and Catalina felt a strong tug, heard the rending of her panties before his hot hand found her to check her readiness. She wanted to turn in his arms but his hands stopped her without a word.
“Like that,” he said roughly, surprised he could talk at all.
His hands guided her, urging her to bend a little and the next moment he thrust into her.
“Xan!” Her lips parted on a cry that became his name.
He instantly went motionless after the short exclamation.
“Did I hurt you?”
Catalina shook her head, trying to make sense of all the tangled and potent sensations but her mind went blank, refusing to be of any help.
“You feel… bigger from this angle,” she managed to say and gasped when he chuckled behind her.
“Do I?” He withdrew nearly completely and pushed back in very slowly. “Do you want me to stop, Cat?” His voice was pure temptation and she found herself shaking her head in a no.
“I need to hear it, Kitten,” he demanded.
“No, I’m fine.” She sucked in a breath when he started to rock against her and then there were no more words between them as he picked up the pace, slamming into her in a brutally deep and fast rhythm she couldn’t match but wasn’t able to deny either.
When her body bowed in explosion, his head lowered to her ear once again. But this time there were no wicked murmurs, no words of appreciation of any kind. His voice turned merciless in the blink of an eye instead.
“Did it feel like love to you?” The insidious whisper froze her to the very core of her heart where she harbored all her affection for him.
CHAPTER 47
Tears pricked Catalina’s eyes but she blinked rapidly, desperately trying to get a hold of her emotions and not show him that his words felt like a slap to her face. Her body was still shaking from his rough possession but the pleasure was all but forgotten now, leaving her cold.
She recalled the day he came to her with the bleeding hand after he injured himself by punching the mirror. He thought himself to be like the fist which shattered it: strong and with a no-bullshit attitude. But even then she saw him more like those glass shards: brittle and jagged, with sharp edges ready to draw blood.
His strength didn’t allow him to become a victim while not letting him grow into a tormentor either, but it had its price like everything in life had.
Cat understood he was striking at her now because, as she pointed out before, she came too close, and vulnerability wasn’t something her warrior dealt particularly well with.
She knew all along he had a mean streak to him.
However, just because she understood the mechanics of his behavior didn’t mean she was going to accept it, she thought.
“Let me go,” she said when she was sure she had herself under control.
&nb
sp; Xan was waiting for her reaction and when it didn’t come instantly, he thought maybe she didn’t hear him and he was relieved.
He had no idea what the fuck was wrong with him that he kept assaulting her. First physically and when she didn’t budge but accept him instead–verbally as well.
But then her pliant body went rigid in his arms, and this time it wasn’t due to sexual release, letting him know his stupidity wouldn’t go unpunished. Yet she didn’t strike back as any other woman probably would have in her place.
No, Catalina cloaked herself in dignity, mentally pulling away from him even though their bodies were still intimately entangled.
He forced himself to let her go although everything in him wanted to hold her just like that. To take her to the bed and cherish her the way she deserved to be.
Xan sighed, watching her pull down her dress as if nothing out of ordinary happened between them and it was once again his fault. She walked toward the bathroom but he had to say something before she could disappear out of his sight, before it was too late.
“Cat…”
“I promised your mother I would help her with packing. Your presence is not required.”
He gritted his teeth when she quietly closed the door behind her, cutting him off as much as her dismissal meant to do. He didn’t deserve anything more than that, yet he was not going to let her go back to that apartment alone. It was his mess to clean up, just like the apology he owed her.
But it kept dying out on his lips, just like the need to admit that her every word was nothing but true, or his desire to reveal emotions hidden deep within him. While he tried his hardest to convince her he had none, the truth was he had plenty and most revolved around her. He wanted to tell her she owned his fucking heart, no matter how scarred the tissue was and how prickly the walls of it were.
Xan blew out a harsh breath, wondering when exactly he became such a coward that one small woman was able to tie him up in so many painful knots that he didn’t know up from down anymore.
***
Catalina was very much aware that she has just met Nina Thorpe, yet she didn’t think any amount of time would be enough to help her understand Xan’s mother better. She appeared as weak as Cat had imagined her to be, because what kind of a woman would inactively watch her husband abuse a child, much less her own, without trying to protect it? Even worse–who would be relived the man’s fury focused anywhere else but her?
She wanted badly to find some redeeming qualities in Nina, but after spending a few hours with her, it became clear that it was not going to happen.
Catalina had been taught to never reveal her true feelings, never express opinions that could step out of the category of what was generally accepted, and she was used to biting her tongue more times than not. But then she had never been forced to be in the presence of someone like Xan’s mother, who in Catalina’s judgment was so detached from reality.
Nina kept talking about her deceased husband as if he were a hero who died in the name of some great cause and not a criminal instead, with a rap sheet longer than should be possible for one person to achieve in one lifetime.
She was ignoring her only son’s presence, similar to how Cat imagined she did countless times before.
It was one of the reasons she didn’t want Xan to accompany her this afternoon. Catalina thought nothing good would come out of it, and not only because she felt they could use a breather as well.
Each time he found himself in close proximity to his mother, the air between them got ripe with all the things left unsaid for too many years to count. Although it was Robert Thorpe who mistreated him badly, it felt as if Xan blamed his mother even more for her indifferent helplessness in the whole situation.
It was all good in her opinion, because as she had told him before: he had a right to his feelings, whatever they were. She sighed, remembering he tried to apologize to her for his earlier behavior on their way here, but she said it was all fine just to cut the subject short.
It was nowhere close to ‘fine’, but she thought they simply had too much on their plates to be adding to it.
She didn’t want to be reminded of her love declaration either.
Not because she regretted it, no, not even close. It was one thing that he didn’t feel the same toward her, but quite another that he decided to attack her, obviously feeling the need to protect himself by pushing her away.
She put another box aside, thinking the whole packing up would have gone much faster if his mother had any kind of idea what and how she wanted. Yet she seemed all over the place, and as much as Catalina could blame some of her distraction on the circumstances, she started to suspect this was how the woman was even on a good day.
“Do you remember when you were about five or six years old and your father decided we should leave the house to do sightseeing and live in motels for a week or two? These kind of spur-of-the-moment surprises were very much like him,” Nina said.
Yes, this was yet another thing she did, Catalina thought: she kept pretending Xan’s childhood was never-ending fun and adventure. And not of a bad kind.
“All I remember is that he woke us up in the middle of a night and told us to leave the house as we were, because he fucked with wrong people and was afraid they were hot on his trail. How could I forget?” Xan smirked and Nina’s lips thinned.
“You never wanted to see how hard he tried to make it all work.”
“I leave the delusions to you,” came his curt reply.
“You were an ungrateful child; no wonder you two were constantly butting heads.”
“Butting heads? Is that what you call it?” He threw his head back and laughed.
Cat’s heart clenched because she had never heard a more bitter sound.
“Who are you trying to impress? Catalina knows the truth. Why don’t you say it as it was? That he used to beat the crap out of me because he was a sadistic bastard who lived to torment and torture others for the hell of it?” He offered and Nina started to weep.
“I won’t let you talk about your father like that. Especially not on the day he was laid into the ground, and definitely not in his house.”
“His house? Was he the one sending you money for the past ten years? I seriously doubt that!” He yelled, indifferent to her tears the way she always was to those he shed.
“Xan… enough,” Catalina protested and not because she didn’t agree with what he said, but because she simply didn’t believe anything was going to change his mother’s point of view.
“What am I going to do now?!” Nina sobbed.
“I suppose it is your chance to finally do whatever the hell you want to do,” he shrugged.
“Can you see how he is?” Nina looked at Cat, hoping to find an ally in her.
“Oh, I do and I wish you would too.” She smiled gently at the woman. “He is one of the most amazing people I’ve ever known.”
Her manners and propriety demanded her to stop and bite her tongue as usual, but the need to continue turned out to be stronger. Obviously her relationship with propriety was irrevocably coming to an end.
Xan went motionless, taken aback not any less than his mother appeared to be.
“I don’t need to listen to this.” Nina got up from her chair, but Cat straightened up as well.
Although she was shorter than his mother, Catalina’s whole demeanor was sending a loud and clear message that she wouldn’t allow anyone to ignore her. Xan knew well the determined look in her eyes, and he much preferred when it was directed at someone else like now, although it was making him ultimately uncomfortable in the process as well.
“I’m sorry, but I am not done. You don’t realize how lucky you are that Alex was willing to help you all those years.”
“Alexander is my son and he knows his duties…”
“You might say he knows his duties, although I am sure this is not a concept he had learned the meaning of at home. You should be proud of him but you are making the same mistake for the
second time around by choosing your husband over your only child. Even dead, he seems to wield an undeniable power over you. I don’t think you will get a third chance to make up for the wrong, and frankly I don’t think you deserve one. Now I am done.” She smiled again and looked at Xan. “I’m ready to leave whenever you are.”
She was magnificent, he decided.
The last thing he expected was to hear her taking his side and defending him after the way he acted toward her merely a few hours before. But Catalina wasn’t one to hold a grudge.
She was his chance and unlike his mother, he wasn’t going to miss the opportunity and wait for another that might never come his way again.
“I’m ready.” He took her hand and stroked the soft skin with his thumb.
“What will happen to me?” Nina blinked and more tears slid down her cheeks.
“Don’t worry, I will keep sending you money,” Xan said, and the look of relief on her face meant that was the only thing she was truly worried about.
No, there were no words that could change a single thing here, Catalina thought. Now she knew that sometimes hope was just a waste of breath and effort, that moving on was the only available option.
The past wasn’t always redeemable; some people and relationships were not meant to continue throughout a person’s entire life, no matter how hard saying goodbye was.
She wanted to believe that one day Xan would be able to stop looking over his shoulder at the baggage he left behind. That instead of erecting walls to protect himself, he would allow some of them to tumble down.
But she knew how difficult a feat it was firsthand.
She still wasn’t able to let go of the memories of her parents either. She had a hard time allowing herself to step out of those boundaries which were a part of being a Bennett.
There was no doubt she and Xan had plenty of differences tearing them apart, but the similarities were astounding as well, if one took enough time to look at them with an open mind, leaving prejudices outside. Their legacies were placed in their hearts and recollections but unlike her, he didn’t have even one good memory he could cling to.
CUL-DE-SAC (On The Edge Book 1) Page 36