Then what was the point of hanging on to it at all?
“Goodbye, Mother,” Xan said, and for the first time all that he was didn’t buck against the term.
No matter all the things their relationship lacked, she had carried him under her heart for nearly nine months. He wanted to believe that at least at one point she had cared for him or maybe even loved him, as much as she was capable of feeling the tender emotion.
Was he? Xan asked himself and glanced at Cat from the corner of his eye.
He had never uttered the words to another human being and he thought it was related to the fact nobody had taught him how to love.
But the truth was, he didn’t believe someone could look past all his flaws and truly care for him since even his parents didn’t deem him worthy. His past was broken, but it didn’t make him incapable of creating a future… with Catalina.
Xan blew out a harsh breath, realizing that was exactly what he wanted.
Cat’s head was spinning and she couldn’t believe she said what she really meant, regardless of another person’s feelings. Yet the world kept carrying on despite that fact, it seemed.
She had always imagined that once she fell in love, she would take extra care so that the parents of her man liked her.
The reality of it was a far cry from her visions.
“Oh my God. I’m so sorry, Xan,” she finally managed to say when he hailed a cab and gave their hotel address to the driver.
“What for?” He looked thoughtfully at her.
“For my behavior back there.” Wasn’t it obvious? She wondered.
“So you didn’t mean it?”
“Of course I did, that is not the point.” Cat frowned because apparently he was missing the real point here.
“Breathe, Kitten.” He wrapped his arm around her shoulders.
“I don’t think one of your rules for fighting applies here,” she noticed.
“But it does. Life is fighting; you won’t find a better reference than that; even if it was not your fight, I appreciate your words.”
“I beg to differ. It was my fight because…”
“… because you love me?”
All of a sudden he was the most helpful person ever, she noticed ironically. Catalina promised herself she wouldn’t utter the words again, not after the previous time went so awry, but the way he just cornered her didn’t leave her much choice either.
“Cat?” He prompted when she fell silent.
Words were not his weapon of choice, actions were, but right now he needed to hear her say it once again, even though he was more than undeserving.
What she didn’t know was that her unwavering love broke him on the innermost level he had never permitted anyone to see. Not since his disastrous childhood anyway. But then she glued those jagged pieces back together, making them fit somehow. For the first time in his life, he felt like he was fitting too, as long as he had Catalina at his side.
“Yes,” she said with a long sigh, as if she were admitting to some kind of a defeat.
“Look at me,” he demanded roughly, reaching out to cup her cheek in his palm. “I love you too.” He bent his head to kiss her lips but she pulled back.
“And when exactly did you make this discovery?” She wanted to know and his lips twitched when her eyes narrowed.
“After the Chloé incident, when I realized I cared more about you knowing the truth and believing me than winning the fight.”
“Oh. Why didn’t you tell me?” She thumped his chest.
“I just did.” He grinned down at her grabbing her wrist when she wanted to slap his chest again, bringing it to his lips instead.
“Ask me what did me in.” She smiled sweetly when they entered the hotel.
“Well? What was it?”
“The dog-eared pages of books.” She sighed and he blinked.
“Say what?”
“I saw them that day at your apartment: a few childhood books on your shelf,” she explained.
“Whoa, Kitten, that was way before the Chloé incident!”
“And I still told you first, so there.” She sent him a warning look and he laughed.
“Xan… are you fine with leaving her like that?” She wanted to know.
“Like what? She doesn’t need me, she needs someone who will tell her what to do and I could have never taken that place. She needs to figure it out on her own,” he stated soberly.
“What do you say we go back home then?”
“I would say it’s the best offer I got today,” he agreed, more than ready to do just that and pick up where they left things off.
CHAPTER 48
Traveling had been a part of Catalina’s life since she could remember. No matter the place or length of her trips, they all had one thing in common–whenever she came back home, it felt like forever since she had left.
Yet this time it all felt slightly different and she knew it was because of Xan’s presence. She wasn’t searching for love, believing her work was all she needed in life to complete her.
How wrong she was, she thought when they entered the house.
Most of the time people were unaware that their lives were going to change or how exactly, when it came to that. There was no way to prepare for it, but Cat realized that love didn’t require any special measures. A person could either accept it with all its blessings or run for the hills.
Now this was something Xan would have considered no brainer, she decided and smiled to herself.
“I’m starving,” he said. “Let’s order in. What would you have?”
“Anything works for me; decide while I take a shower.” She started unbuttoning her shirt and Xan’s eyebrows instantly went up.
“Now this works for me…” He muttered, making her laugh.
“Stop right there!” Cat ordered, pointing a finger at him. “Shower, food then you.”
“Ouch. Way to show me my place, Kitten. I’m wounded. Come here and see how much.” He sent her a wicked look.
“Tempting but… no.” She smiled sweetly at him.
“You could have had me in the shower... just saying!” He called out after her and Catalina’s laughter was his only answer.
He chuckled to himself when her steps subsided and dialed a number of the closest pizza place, thinking that if Cat wanted something more sophisticated she shouldn’t have left him in charge.
He peeled off his T-shirt, wishing he had something fresh to wear and the next thought that slammed into his mind gave him pause. They loved each other, why wouldn’t they take the next step and move in together? His heart rate accelerated, but it wasn’t due to the panic he was expecting. No, it was excitement instead, Xan realized and shook his head.
How the mighty had fallen…
He considered the pros and cons while he was waiting for Cat to emerge from under the spray of water. The fact she was taking her sweet time reminded him that patience was not one of his virtues.
“I don’t smell food,” she complained, reentering the kitchen and blinked surprised when he jumped to his feet and took her hands in his. “What did you do?” She asked making him laugh.
“Move in with me.”
“Wait… what? What happened between the moment I left for the shower and now?”
“I love you and I want to be with you. What is stopping us?” He wanted to know.
“I…” Catalina opened up her mouth just to understand she had nothing to say.
“Think about it when I take my turn under the shower.” He kissed her lips and walked out, leaving her blinking helplessly.
She couldn’t wrap her head around it, trying to comprehend how he came up with the idea during the mere minutes she was not next to him. Apparently it was ill-advised and downright dangerous to leave him alone, even for a minute, Catalina decided.
She felt oh-so-tempted to say yes, just because it felt like the most natural thing in the world. Yet Catalina had never been an impulsive person. She wasn’t many things before she me
t him, she thought and nearly smiled.
But shouldn’t they discuss something as serious as that?
She tried to reason it out because her heart was already lying at his feet and she couldn’t count on it when it came to significant matters. Wasn’t living together something that required lists and even longer preparations? Or was it just like love itself; something she should be able to answer with simple yes or no without trying to build a whole foundation around it?
She winced when the doorbell rang, but it was the kind of distraction she craved before she drove herself insane, Cat decided. Food was elemental and so ordinary she was almost ready to kiss the delivery guy with relief.
“Pick up the pace if you want to eat it hot!” She called out, heading toward the door.
She doubted Xan heard her, but at least he wouldn’t be able to say she didn’t warn him, Catalina decided and opened the door, planning a big tip for her ‘savior’. Yet it wasn’t a delivery guy.
Not even close.
“Grandmother,” Cat said, trying to hide her surprise along with displeasure, not sure she pulled off either particularly well.
She hadn’t forgotten about Timothy Rodney and their dinner that was nothing less than an ambush orchestrated by Florence. She just didn’t think she would have to deal with the situation right after her return to the city.
“Catalina. I was trying to reach you for two whole days,” she complained, pushing right through the door, not leaving Cat any other option than to step aside.
“I flew out of California.” Her tone was too close to being apologetic and she hated the fact, but old habits died hard, she supposed.
“Holiday, my dear?” Florence raised an eyebrow.
“Not quite.” Catalina didn’t think their time in New York could be considered anything close to that. “Maybe we should postpone it… whatever it is that brings you here. I’m sorry but I am really tired.”
“Nonsense, it can’t wait any longer. I was patient enough, Catalina.”
“Oh?” She folded her arms pretending she didn’t notice it was a defensive stance.
“I’ve let you waste time and resources on the man who is below you on every possible level and in every meaning. Time to grow up and start acting the way you should,” Florence told her, and the indulgent note in her voice grated on Catalina’s nerves.
“I’m sorry… you let me? I am not a child.”
“Then stop acting like one,” her grandmother retorted and Cat could swear she understood what people meant when they talked about seeing red.
“Enough,” Catalina said quietly.
“That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to tell you all along,” Florence agreed, looking a bit surprised, but nothing could douse the gleam of satisfaction in her eyes. “I understand you might have been… curious, but this is not you, not who you are meant to be, not what your parents would have expected of you.”
“I’ve been a grown-up for a while now; maybe even from the moment my parents were taken away from me. I am sick and tired of you telling me what to do, how to behave, look and wear. God knows I’ve tried to live up to your high standards and expectations. All in vain; but it ends now. I am already the person I was meant to be and you have no idea what my parents’ expectations of me would have been. You can’t know it because you can’t comprehend the love they’d shared and feelings they had for me either. This is all your idea of who I should be and I can’t pretend to want to live the life that simply wasn’t cut out for me. I’m sorry, I truly am, that we could never see things the same way, but it’s time to make it all clear once and for all.” Catalina exhaled shakily but didn’t regret any word.
How could she when each was like a stone she had carried for years, allowing its weight to pull her down?
“Well, I really shouldn’t be surprised by your attitude; you were always full of it,” Florence told her.
Cat felt tempted to tell her that apparently they were both full of something alright, but she stopped herself somehow, stifling a smile when she recognized that her would-be reply was something Xan might have said.
“I took you in. I did my duty, Catalina.”
“Yes and you never let me forget it was exactly that–duty. You made sure I was taken care of, fed and taught everything you thought I should know. And I was fed in the most literal sense but starved for everything else, for even a sliver of the affection I knew for the first ten years of my life and that I have lacked since my parents were murdered,” Cat pointed out, but she could see that her words were not able to get through Florence’s cold detachment.
She was too used to being right in every possible way to even entertain the idea she might have been wrong or at least not one hundred percent correct.
“Your ungratefulness is a reward for all my efforts. I see.” Her lips were nothing but a thin, forbidding line, but it wasn’t anything new to Catalina.
This kind of a grimace was what always awaited her from her grandmother. She found it interesting and peculiar both that she was called ungrateful; it was an echo of the words Xan’s mother threw at him barely a few hours before. It was yet another thing they had in common, even if it was the last similarity she would have ever searched or wished for.
Xan, she thought, remembering he was upstairs and could come downstairs any minute now.
“I am sorry you see it that way, but I won’t tolerate you meddling in my life any longer.”
“Meddling? Name one time I attempted such a thing.” Florence demanded.
“The latest dinner arrangement is a good example enough. Timothy seemed like a nice man and I don’t understand: why would you decide to place us both in an awkward and uncomfortable position?” Cat tilted her head, regarding her grandmother curiously.
“He is a nice man indeed, available and the kind of company you should endeavor for. I thought it might help to straighten up your point of view and put your priorities in order. I am sad to say I overestimated you. I don’t understand where I went wrong with you, I can’t see any other explanation but being too lenient with you when you were growing up.”
“Lenient? You were everything but lenient with me! Why is it so hard to understand I love Alexander?” She wanted to know.
“Love? Please Catalina.” Florence laughed coldly. “This isn’t love, it’s desire. Let me show you what kind of a man you are lusting after.” She took a manila folder out of her purse and laid it down on the coffee table.
Another one, Cat thought and closed her eyes for the briefest of moments, praying for patience.
“You shouldn’t have bothered. I know all there is to him,” she informed her, wondering if Gabriel helped her grandmother to put the file together. Well, it was going to go well with the one she already had in her nightstand, she thought bitterly.
“Oh, do you now? So it doesn’t give you pause that he is not only a common thief but also a murderer? Really Catalina, I would have thought this was one thing that would throw you off after the murder of your parents,” Florence said.
“What are you talking about?” Cat blinked.
“Open the file.”
She itched to do exactly that but her sense of loyalty slapped at her anxious fingers.
“You are being childish, Catalina; what are you afraid of? You said you love him, you said you know everything.” Florence taunted her and it was more than she could take.
She grabbed the file, flipping it open and her fingers went numb when she saw pictures, a whole stack of them. They were colorful, expressive and quite terse.
“What is this?” She asked.
“These are images of a young man your lover killed in cold blood.”
“How did you get it?” Cat wanted to know, as if it were the most important part.
Yet it seemed important enough because it was something she would have expected from Gabriel. However there was nothing in his file pointing in the direction of a murder. She would have surely remembered that, she thought. What was Florence’s s
ource that even the police was unaware of?
“As distasteful as the whole thing was, I hired a private investigator; one of his trails led him to Tony Boden and he gave him the pictures,” Florence explained.
“Tony Boden,” Cat repeated. “He is not a trustworthy source.”
She remembered what Xan had told her about him, to stay away from him because he was nothing but bad news. Was it possible he didn’t tell her the whole truth and he just wanted to keep her away from the man for more nefarious reasons?
No, she thought, reaching for cold logic and setting it against her heart, but the wild pounding of the love-stricken organ was surfacing to the top each and every time.
“Is he less trustworthy than the man you’ve been sleeping with, Catalina? Why don’t you ask him?” Florence offered.
“Yeah, why don’t you ask me, Kitten?” Xan said stepping into the room.
She flinched and looked up at him.
“How long have you been standing there?” She wanted to know.
“Long enough.”
“Tell me,” she demanded, afraid to take her eyes off him, afraid to look at him.
Afraid.
“Tell you what exactly?”
“That what she implies is not true, that you didn’t do it, that you wouldn’t have kept it hidden from me. Take your pick,” she said calmly, but the solemn expression on his face was an answer enough.
No, she thought again. This couldn’t be happening.
Violence penetrated her life at an early age and she strove to accept the unacceptable every day since that fateful day forward. Then Xan entered her life, pulling her into his world filled with brutality. He actively sought out the ferocity of it by picking fight after fight.
She tried to understand this need in him, to come to terms with it and justify it by his traumatic childhood. And now this; a murder.
Her tolerance came to a screeching halt with that and something within her broke. Something she tried to mend since the night she was ten years old and her whole world came to its end.
CUL-DE-SAC (On The Edge Book 1) Page 37