Teddy Mars Book #3

by Molly B. Burnham

  Viva moves her brush up and down along the same leg I’m working on. “The lady in the office says we need a grown-up and we put forward something called a proposal. The proposal allows for the city councilors to call for a motion, and the motion can amend the law.”

  “So we need a grown-up who knows about the law?” I ask, trying to keep it all straight.

  Viva nods.

  Lonnie paints a pile of books. “Where are we going to find someone like that?”

  “I know one,” I say. “But convincing her will be hard. She is definitely not a fan of pigeons.”

  WINKING

  When we get home, Aunt Ursula is reading the paper.

  “Lonnie and Viva say they’re here to help me clean the basement,” I say.

  Aunt Ursula smiles. “Such good friends.”

  Lonnie and Viva nod vigorously.

  Jake promised to act as normal as ever, and he actually follows through and sits down at his weaving. By the way he keeps messing up I’m sure he’s not paying attention to it at all, but at least he’s trying.

  Sharon is prepping some sort of food.

  “Aunt Ursula,” I say. “We need your help.” Lonnie, Viva, and I sit down, so Aunt Ursula can tell how serious we are. Viva explains what she learned about the proposal to change the law.

  When Viva’s finished I take Aunt Ursula’s hand. “Please, this is a matter of life and death.”

  “No one is dying, Teddy, so this is not a matter of life and death.” She turns to Sharon, who is cutting up vegetables. “Not like that, Sharon. You want to curl your fingertips so the knife can’t slice them. Like this.” She takes the knife out of Sharon’s hand and begins to chop celery as though it was butter. She hands the knife back to Sharon. “See?” Sharon nods, and Aunt Ursula turns back to us.

  I pace the kitchen, because in an hour I’m going to have to feed the pigeons again, and I don’t know how I’ll pull that off. It is really stressful hiding pigeons in a basement.

  Lonnie and Viva beg. “We’ll do anything you want.”

  Aunt Ursula sighs. “The pigeons are merely being sent to other homes in different cities. They’ll be fine.”

  “Fine? They’ve always lived with him.”

  Aunt Ursula shakes her head. “He knew the law.”

  “Okay,” I say. “He messed up. But the ones who will suffer are his pigeons. They’ve lived together for so long. How can you separate them?”

  Lonnie and Viva open their mouths but Aunt Ursula holds up her hands to stop them. “They’re pigeons,” she says. “They will survive. What I want to know is how he snuck all those birds away. Speaking of pigeons, though, I need to wash your clothes again, Teddy. I could have sworn I smelled pigeons earlier today.”

  “Ouch!” Sharon blurts out, and holds up a bleeding finger.

  “Aunt Ursula, will you help me find a Band-Aid?” Sharon winks at me as she heads off with Aunt Ursula.

  There is so much going on right now that figuring out why my sister winked at me is low on my list.

  JAKE’S PLAN

  Lonnie, Viva, and I walk away. “Do you think we convinced her?” Viva asks.

  “I think she’s convinced that the pigeons should live somewhere else, and that Grumpy Pigeon Man stole the pigeons,” I say.

  Lonnie raises a finger in the air. “Convincing her to help us is like convincing Han Solo to help Luke Skywalker. It takes work, but it’s not impossible.”

  “So what do we do?” I ask.

  Jake clears his throat. For a minute I had actually forgotten he was there. “We use the only thing she cares about.”

  “Peanut?” Viva asks.

  “Peanut?” Lonnie asks.

  “Peanut?” I ask.

  “We need Peanut,” Jake says, hopping off his chair. He looks at Lonnie, Viva, and me. “And we need Grumpy Pigeon Man.”

  SMASHING ROOF TILES

  Grumpy Pigeon Man doesn’t want to come with us at all. We basically have to drag him back to my house. As we pass Maggie and her compost, she looks up and smiles at me. Again, I don’t have time for my sisters. Especially because Grumpy Pigeon Man demands to know what is going on.

  “To be honest,” Viva says, “we’re not sure.”

  I push him through the front door and plunk him down on the sofa in the living room, while Jake fetches Aunt Ursula. As soon as she sees Grumpy Pigeon Man, she turns in the opposite direction. But Jake won’t let her; instead he pushes her into a seat.

  Jake stands between them, pacing back and forth just like those lawyers on TV do. “We’ve brought you together because we need your help.” Jake looks straight at Aunt Ursula.

  “I’ve already told you,” Aunt Ursula says. “There’s nothing I can do. If Tom weren’t such a stubborn mule then he would have taken care of this law years ago. And his pigeons would be safe.”

  Grumpy Pigeon Man looks at her for a good, long time. I tap my fingers on my knees. It’s as tense in here as it must have been just before Lisa Dennis smashed her way through 923 roof tiles in one minute with only her hand.

  I have to say, that would definitely be more painful, but being with Grumpy Pigeon Man and Aunt Ursula in the same room is painful in its own way.

  MISTAKES

  Finally Grumpy Pigeon Man speaks. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes over the years. Not fighting the law was one, but I made a worse one.”

  There’s something about the tone of his voice that makes Lonnie sit down. All of us get really quiet.

  “Ursula, many years ago—”

  “Wait just a second,” I say. “You guys have known each other for many years?”

  Grumpy Pigeon Man, Aunt Ursula, Jake, Lonnie, and Viva all stare at me. It’s clear I need to keep quiet.

  He continues, “You were so sure of yourself, and the world, and, well—how everything is supposed to work. And of course how rules make it all work smoothly. You know a lot about rules.”

  For a second I feel like saying something about all of Grumpy Pigeon Man’s rules for his pigeons, but I stop myself.

  “I wish I could make it up to you. Last night, when I learned that I was going to lose my pigeons, I realized what you must have felt like all those years ago when I didn’t show up for our date.”

  “Whoa!” I say. Lonnie and Viva stare at me again. “What?” I say. “You dated?”

  Aunt Ursula shakes her head. “No, Teddy. We did not date, because this man, as he just explained, did not show up.”

  “Ursula,” Grumpy Pigeon Man says. “I promise I have no idea where the pigeons are, and I’m not asking for your help.”

  “Well, if you didn’t take them, who did? They couldn’t just vanish.”

  Before Grumpy Pigeon Man says anything Jake says, “Aunt Ursula. Help us or we’ll call the animal control office.”

  Strange but true, the largest collection of Coca-Cola cans is 10,558. Right now I feel like I drank all that soda, and the sugar is rushing through my bloodstream.

  “Wow!” I say. “I did not expect this.” I look at Jake. “What are you talking about?”

  “Yes,” Aunt Ursula says. “What are you talking about?”

  Jake pulls out a piece of folded paper. “This is from the animal control office. According to city law, you were supposed to register Peanut for a dog license when you moved here.” He points to a spot. “Anyone who resides for longer than twenty-one days must register their dog. If a dog is found without a license then the dog may be removed.” I hear a click of a camera and see Grace hiding in the doorway.

  MORE OUTLAWS

  And that’s when Sharon, Caitlin and Casey, Maggie, and Grace pile into the room.

  Aunt Ursula looks very unhappy. “And why are you here?”

  Grace sits down beside Aunt Ursula. “You brought many new rules to our lives, and we’re so thankful for them, but you never asked us about our rules. We have some Mars family rules we want to share with you.”

  Sharon clears her throat. “It’s not right to not help.�
�

  Caitlin and Casey say together, “If you have the power to make change, use it.”

  “We all make mistakes.” Maggie smiles.

  Grace starts to speak, but Peanut, who is in Aunt Ursula’s arms, starts whining, and then Smarty Pants, who is by the basement door, starts meowing. Grace glares. “Oh phooey, I forgot what I was going to say.”

  I look at the clock. Only fifteen minutes until I need to feed the pigeons. This is all taking much longer than I thought it would.

  Jake smiles. “As Yoda and Lonnie like to say, ‘You must unlearn what you have learned.’”

  Lonnie gives Jake a high five.

  Aunt Ursula clears her throat. “Let me first say that you have all made a compelling argument.” She stands up, passing Peanut to Grace as she does. Amazingly, Peanut doesn’t even growl at Grace. “I didn’t know about the law about dogs. I made a mistake, and I’m glad you’ve brought it to my attention. I do have power to create change, and because of that, it would be very wrong if I didn’t help.” She turns to Jake. “Perhaps you are right and I do need to unlearn a few rules.”

  I stand up and clap. I can’t help myself. I’m so happy. Aunt Ursula agrees with us. She’s going to help.

  “But,” she says.

  “But?” I repeat.

  “That does not change my mind about the pigeons. Until those pigeons are found, I cannot help.”

  And now I’m just plain mad. “What have the pigeons ever done to you?”

  “Nothing, Teddy, but they are outlaws. I can’t help outlaws.”

  “The pigeons are outlaws?” I collapse on the sofa. “So what are we?”

  LONGEST LINE

  And right then, when I think things can’t get any weirder, there’s a knock on the front door. Sharon answers it and in walks Ms. Raffeli. She doesn’t wait for us to say anything. “Tell me,” she says. “What has my little brother done now? And how can I help fix it?”

  Strange but true, there is a section in The Guinness Book of World Records about the longest lines of things. The longest line of toothpaste tubes (2,138), the longest line of ice skaters (370), and the longest line of tacos (2,013).

  I find it very surprising how many longest-line records exist. But the news that Ms. Raffeli and Mr. Raffeli are siblings (not married), and that no one (like Mom) even bothered to tell me, is more surprising.

  And then everyone starts talking about everything that is happening and what we will do to save the birds, and I look over at Grumpy Pigeon Man and Aunt Ursula, who both look so sad, and so alone.

  I feel really bad for Grumpy Pigeon Man, but then I’m surprised again, because I suddenly realize that even though I’m mad at Aunt Ursula, I also feel really bad for her, too.

  READY FOR DINNER

  I’m standing in the living room, thinking about how sad Aunt Ursula is, and listening to Lonnie and Viva fill Ms. Raffeli in on what her brother has been doing, when Smarty Pants starts howling at the top her lungs.

  “What’s wrong with Smarty Pants?” Aunt Ursula asks. My heart starts racing because I’m pretty sure I know where we’ll find Smarty Pants. I trot behind her. “It’s nothing,” I say. “Just Smarty Pants wanting dinner.” But Aunt Ursula stays on her path, straight to the basement stairs, where Smarty Pants sits with her whiskers trembling and a paw squeezing under the door.

  Aunt Ursula stops in her tracks. “Do you hear that?” she asks. “There’s a distinct pecking sound coming from the other side of the door.” She’s right, there is.

  “Probably mice,” I say.

  “And a smell.” And before I can stop her, she opens the basement door and instantly gets a face full of pigeon. I guess they were ready for dinner.

  FREAKING OUT

  Right away, everyone from the living room plows toward us to see what’s happened.

  Smarty Pants runs after the pigeons, jumping up to try and snatch them from the air. Peanut leaps out of Grace’s arms and starts chasing Smarty Pants in circles, knocking over Sharon, Caitlin and Casey, Maggie, and Grace.

  The birds are freaking out. They don’t know where to land, or where to fly. Lonnie and Viva wave their arms in hopes of getting the pigeons back in the basement, but all it does is make them more frenzied.

  “Stop,” Grumpy Pigeon Man says. “Please. Stand still.” Everyone does what he says, because he is Grumpy Pigeon Man, after all.

  Grace grabs Peanut. Sharon grabs Smarty Pants. And as the room quiets down, so do the pigeons, who land on anything off the floor. Including all of us.

  And that’s when Mom and Dad walk in.

  PRINCESS LEIA TO THE RESCUE

  Aunt Ursula doesn’t even wait for Mom and Dad to catch up on what’s going on. She turns straight to Grumpy Pigeon Man. “I knew it. You did know where they were!”

  Grumpy Pigeon Man says, “If that’s what you think of me then it’s a good thing I didn’t show up for that date!”

  Suddenly, I feel terrible. I’ve messed everything up for Grumpy Pigeon Man. I just wanted to help. I can’t stand it anymore. “I did it! I hid them.” As I say this, the pigeons shift around the room, trying to find a safe place to land.

  “Teddy!” she gasps. “How could you?”

  “I love these pigeons, Aunt Ursula. I love their feathers, and the sound they make, and even their smell.” Lonnie and Viva walk over and stand next to me. “And Grumpy Pigeon Man loves them, too. All I wanted was to save the pigeons. And I don’t care if there is a law against them, because if I’ve learned one thing from you, it’s that sometimes grown-ups make really bad rules and they need kids to set them straight!”

  The pigeons flutter down on the dining room table, cooing to themselves. My siblings surround Lonnie, Viva, and me.

  “You don’t want to help. Fine. Go ahead and tell everyone where the pigeons are, make up rules for everyone else’s lives, so everything stays neat and tidy, but there will always be a mess somewhere. You will eventually get pooed on, and it’s not a bad thing because getting pooed on is good luck!”

  And just then a pigeon flies up. It’s Princess Leia, and as she flies over Aunt Ursula, she pauses for a split second and poos right on her head.

  NOTHING WE CAN DO

  After Aunt Ursula gets pooed on I run out so fast I don’t even stop when Mom and Dad shout at me.

  I run to the aviary. Without the pigeons it’s just wires, and wood, and silence, and sadness. I wipe my nose, which, like my eyes, is dripping. That’s when Mom and Dad walk in.

  They flip over a bucket and sit down.

  Dad hands me a tissue.

  “I’m sorry,” I say before they say anything. “I know I shouldn’t have stolen the pigeons, but I needed time to plan how to save them.”

  “Oh, Teddy, I’m sorry,” Mom says.

  Dad lets out a deep breath. “We should have told you as soon as we knew the pigeons were in trouble. Your mom was trying to sort it out, but couldn’t. The council isn’t interested.”

  “You mean we can’t even put forward a proposal?”

  “I tried, Teddy. They think no one cares about pigeons. There’s nothing we can do.”

  I’m trying to breathe like Darth Vader but my air hole has gotten so small nothing can fit through it except tiny breaths.

  Mom doesn’t say anything for a little bit. “Teddy, what you did was wrong. I understand it, but it was wrong.”

  Dad moves closer to me. “We’ve got to give the pigeons up. You know that.”

  All I can is say, “It’s not fair.”

  “I know,” Mom says, and wraps her arms around me, which somehow affects the water in my eyes, and makes them leak a lot more.

  “And now,” Dad says, “about Aunt Ursula.”

  “I don’t want to talk about Aunt Ursula.” I wipe my eyes and sit up straight.

  “She wants to talk to you. And you know the golden rule: treat others as you want them to treat you.”

  “I hate that rule,” I say as Mom and Dad stand up.

  Dad lo
oks back. “No, you don’t,” he says. “You do this rule really well.”

  HOT PLATES

  Aunt Ursula walks into the aviary like she’s trying to break the record for longest distance walked over hot plates (82 feet 0.25 inches). It is not fun to watch.

  The poo is washed out of her hair. She sits on the bucket Mom was sitting on. I turn away from her.

  “I haven’t been in an aviary for years. Not since Tom and I—” She stops talking, which is good because thinking about her and Grumpy Pigeon Man makes me feel worse than I already do. “They still smell the same, that’s for sure.”

  I don’t say anything.

  “Teddy, you said some very true things about me. But what you don’t know about me is that I do love you. And I do love your family.” She waves her hand in front of her nose. “The smell is really awful.”

  I scowl at her.

  “I’m not here to put down the pigeons. I’m here to say that after I washed my hair, Peanut and I went to the basement. We spent a little time with the pigeons.” She reaches out and takes my hand. I let her hold it because she does seem really sorry. “I have to admit, the pigeons are very polite, quiet, respectful even, and except for the poo droppings, they don’t seem disgustingly dirty. Peanut likes those pigeons very much. And he has excellent taste.”

  I pull back my hand. All of a sudden, I feel mad at her again. “So what is your point?”

  “I can help you.”

  “There isn’t any way to save the pigeons.”

  “Your mother explained the situation to me, too. But think about what she said. The council thinks people don’t care about pigeons.”

  “And they’re right. Look at you.” I stand up.

  “We have to show the council that people do like the pigeons.”

  “How do we do that?” I ask.

  “Most of the time, Teddy, you have to follow rules, but sometimes you have to break them, and if you can break a world record at the same time then that’s a very good day.”