The Byron Journals

by Daniel Ducrou

‘Just go,’ she said. ‘If you want to do something for me, then go. I want to be alone.’

  Andrew stood, withdrew a twenty-dollar note from his wallet and placed it on the table. But Heidi pushed the note away and the wind blew it through the legs of a man seated nearby and out into the street. He walked after it, snatching and missing like an idiot, before he finally caught hold of it. When he turned back he saw Heidi, head down and shoulders shaking—she’d been too proud to cry in front of him.

  He stopped at the beachfront and looked across the crowded sand. It was over. No more busking in strange towns, or music studios; no more Tim or Jade or Byron. Worst of all—no more Heidi.

  After the treatment at the clinic, Heidi had begged him to hit her—and he’d refused to do it. He now understood that feeling; he wanted to be punished for what had happened, for what he’d done. Retribution would help to cure his self-loathing. But Heidi knew that’s what he needed and she was too smart to give it to him. She wanted him to suffer, and she was going to make sure that he did.

  He looked across the wide stretch of sand glistening with tanned bodies. A lazy orgy of flesh. Ordinarily, it would have turned him on. But right then, it seemed grotesque. An erotic trick. And it made him sick he’d fallen for it.

  Tim and Jade were canoodling on the couch in front of the midday movie, Jaws, and Andrew was in the kitchen making a sandwich when Heidi arrived back at the apartment.

  ‘Hey,’ she said quietly, and closed the door behind her.

  Tim waved, looked over his shoulder and started laughing. ‘Whoah!’

  Jade turned and shrieked. ‘What have you done, babe?’

  ‘I felt like a change,’ she replied, as she walked into the kitchen, took a glass from the cupboard, turned on the tap, and passed her hand over what remained of her hair. She’d clippered it at number one. Her shaved head accentuated her features so that her nose looked sharper and her cheeks looked drawn, but her mouth looked softer, more vulnerable.

  Jade came into the kitchen. ‘You look hot, babe.’ She smiled warily.

  ‘Thanks,’ Heidi said, flinching when Jade squeezed her shoulder.

  Jade glared at Andrew, turned, walked across the living room to her bedroom and closed the door behind her.

  ‘Jade?’ Tim called after her. ‘What are you doing?’

  A rhythm of creaks and sighs broke through the darkness. Heidi turned on the bedside lamp, popped another sleeping tablet and moved closer towards the edge of the mattress. On the dressing table over Heidi’s shoulder, Andrew glimpsed the framed photo of Jade’s dad with his too-young girlfriend. The intensity of Jade and Tim’s lovemaking lifted a notch and a passionate moan passed through the wall.

  ‘Bringing back memories?’ Heidi said and clicked the lamp switch.

  He edged across the mattress and put his arm around her, but she lay there, wooden. ‘Heidi—’

  ‘Was she good?’

  He rolled onto his back and didn’t answer.

  ‘Was—she—good?’ Heidi repeated.

  ‘I don’t see—’

  ‘Oh, cut the shit and tell me!’ It came out in an abrupt, harsh whisper.

  ‘The whole thing was awful.’

  Heidi exhaled heavily. ‘The least you could do…is have the dignity to tell me the truth.’

  ‘I am.’

  ‘So say it louder then—say it so she can hear you.’

  ‘What good will that do?’

  ‘Oh, fuck off.’

  ‘I wish there was—’

  ‘For god’s sake, shut up!’

  ‘I wish I could fix it.’

  ‘You have fixed it.’

  ‘I was out of my mind drunk,’ he said. ‘I don’t know how it happened.’

  She shifted further away from him. ‘It happened because you’re a prick.’

  ‘I know, and I’m sorry.’ He thought of his dad’s infidelity. ‘I told you because I don’t want there to be lies between us.’

  ‘Fuck off.’

  Andrew remembered how gleefully Heidi had helped him trash the rental apartment. He thought of the Mercedes that had run down her mum and all the

  Mercedes badges she’d snapped off. And he thought of the private investigator notes and photos of Cabritzi she kept in her journal. She was certainly capable of revenge. What might Heidi do to pay him back for Jade? The thumping of the bed-head and Jade’s ecstatic moans rose to a frantic tempo then stopped.

  ‘I don’t want you to tell Tim,’ Heidi muttered a few minutes later, her voice drowsy. ‘Not yet.’

  ‘Why not?’

  He waited for a response but the sleeping tablets had knocked her out. For a long time, he lay and stared at the ceiling, unable to sleep and dreading the morning.

  twenty-six

  Tim rapped on Jade’s bedroom door. ‘He’s your brother, Jade! You have to come!’

  ‘I don’t want to,’ Jade replied, sulky.

  Tim walked into the living room, scowling.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Heidi asked from the kitchen table, steam curling from her mug of coffee.

  ‘She refused to get out of bed and now she’s locked me out.’ He leaned against the back of the couch. ‘She thinks we all hate her.’

  ‘But why would we hate her?’ Heidi replied, staring at Andrew.

  Andrew’s nerves prickled. ‘C’mon, Jade! It’s gonna be weird if you don’t come.’

  When there was no response, Tim snatched his keys.

  ‘Fuck it,’ he said. ‘Let’s go.’

  Tim pulled the bus to a stop near Sam’s place in Wool-loomooloo, on a leafy, undulating back street, lined with terrace houses fronted by wrought-iron fences.

  ‘We can’t park here,’ Andrew said.

  ‘Why not?’ Heidi replied.

  He leaned on the back of Tim’s seat and pointed to the sign. ‘Permit zone.’

  ‘You’re such a knob, Andy,’ Heidi retorted.

  Tim frowned. ‘What’s up with you two?’

  Heidi shook her head. ‘Nothing.’

  Andrew waited for Tim to step off the bus, then lowered his voice. ‘Are you going to tell him, or not?’

  ‘No,’ Heidi replied. ‘And I don’t want you to either.’ She moved her hand back and forth over her scalp. ‘I need to do this recording for my mum. And if Tim finds out about Tamworth, there’s no way it’s going to happen.’

  They clambered off the bus, through the heavy iron gate and onto the tiled verandah. Tim had already rung the doorbell once and was reaching to ring a second time when Sam answered the door in slippers and a black silk kimono.

  ‘Heidi? Babe? What happened to your hair?’ He kissed her cheek and nodded to the other two. He looked hungover. ‘Where’s Jade?’

  ‘Sleeping,’ Tim replied.

  ‘You didn’t wake her to come and see her big brother?’

  ‘Sorry, man,’ Tim said. ‘She didn’t want to get up.’

  ‘She’s exhausted,’ Heidi added. ‘Must be all that sex…hey Tim?’

  Sam raised his eyebrows, turned and led them inside. The living room had polished floorboards and a high ceiling with ornate Victorian plasterwork. The large plasma screen on one wall was boxed in by a tan leather couch with matching armchairs, and at the far end of the room was an open-plan kitchen with marble surfaces. They followed Sam up a narrow, creaking staircase to the studio on the second floor. Andrew reckoned he had over fifty grand worth of recording equipment. Thirty-two track Yamaha mixing and mastering desk. The latest Apple laptop. Bang & Olufsen speakers. A variety of microphones. But a pile of boxes, foam inserts and plastic packaging sitting in the corner of the room made Andrew dubious about Sam’s recording experience. The space was divided by plexiglass. The recording area on the other side was large and square with a low ceiling, and, although it was all professionally set up, it wasn’t ideal for good acoustics.

  ‘Before we start,’ Sam said, ‘let’s just clear up the matter of payment. I take it Jade’s told you about the package I need delivered
to Melbourne?’

  ‘Yeah, she’s mentioned it,’ Tim replied. ‘Pick-up in Wollongong, delivery to Melbourne.’

  ‘All right.’ Sam clapped his hands. ‘Let’s do this.’

  They collected the instruments from the bus and lugged them up to the recording area. Sam set to work unrolling cables and doing sound checks. He chain-smoked and studied the room as if calculating complex algorithms, smiling and nodding to himself.

  ‘Aren’t you going to record us separately?’ Andrew asked.

  ‘Actually,’ Sam looked up from the mic he was adjusting in Heidi’s kick drum, ‘I thought I’d go for a raw, live sound. It’ll be a much more efficient way of doing things. Quicker.’

  ‘But I don’t understand how you’re going to mix the instrument levels if you can’t separate them.’

  ‘Hey, I’ve recorded countless acts here, buddy.’

  ‘Like who?’

  ‘You wouldn’t have heard of them—underground acts, next big things.’

  ‘Maybe I’ve heard of them.’

  Sam took a step towards him. ‘Look mate, I’ve got musicians lining up to record with me. The only reason I’m doing this is because of Heidi and my sister—and the coke you’re running to Melbourne. That’s it!’

  Heidi stared at Andrew. ‘And we’re appreciative, Sam…Andy’s just being a dickhead.’

  Sam finished setting up, sauntered out of the room and reappeared minutes later with a tumbler of scotch in his hand.

  ‘All right,’ he growled into the intercom and slumped down at the mixing desk. ‘Let’s get started.’

  He swirled his finger in the air and, when they were all watching, dropped it onto the record button. Heidi counted them in. Before the second bar was out, Sam shook his head and waved them to stop. ‘Start again!’ he roared through the intercom.

  They looked at each other and waited for Sam’s nod. A few bars in, he called for them to stop again. He pushed buttons, raised and lowered levels on his mixing desk.

  Tim muttered to Andrew. ‘Do you think he knows what he’s doing?’

  Andrew laughed, shaking his head. Sam’s voice came through the intercom: ‘I can hear you—obviously.’

  ‘They were joking!’ Heidi called.

  ‘Sorry,’ Tim said.

  ‘Sorry,’ Andrew echoed.

  Sam shook his head. ‘Yeah, well—are you sure you guys know what you’re doing? The last two takes have had completely different beginnings. You do have set songs, don’t you?’

  ‘We do,’ Andrew said, trying to think of the best way to put it. ‘But they’re fluid concepts.’

  Sam’s mouth twitched into a pained smile. ‘Fluid concepts?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  He rolled his eyes and knocked back the last of his drink. ‘Okay—well why don’t you guys take a bit of time to put your fluid concepts into songs, while I go and get myself another drink.’

  He headed downstairs for the better part of an hour then reappeared behind the desk with a bong in one hand and a refilled tumbler of scotch in the other.

  ‘All right!’ he said.

  Heidi and Andrew attempted to knock the jams into songs. They tried to rein in Tim, but it was as though his brain was hard-wired not to repeat the same thing twice. Andrew tried to call the choir girls. It would be easier to impose a form on Tim with their help. But he couldn’t get through. They kept jamming. They tried to record a track, but kept stuffing up and soon after five o’clock, Sam called it a day.

  ‘Can’t we stay, at least until we record something?’

  ‘Sorry…I’ve got an important meeting I need to get ready for. You can leave your gear set up where it is.’

  Andrew thought of Heidi’s song and the choir girls. This was as good a time as any to mention it. ‘Hey, Sam…I’m not sure if Jade told you, but we’ve got a couple of girls coming to sing on a few tracks.’

  ‘Nah, mate.’ He shook his head. ‘That’s not part of the deal.’

  Andrew turned to Heidi, then to Sam. ‘It’s for a good cause. We’re recording a song for—’

  ‘Whatever. Tell me your stories tomorrow.’

  Jade was out when they arrived back at the Bondi apartment. She hadn’t left a note and didn’t answer any of Tim’s calls.

  Heidi waited until Tim was in the shower before pulling Andrew aside. ‘Do you see what you’ve done?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Jade’s avoiding me because of what you did.’

  ‘She’s not avoiding you; she’s probably catching up with her old school friends.’

  ‘Oh, fuck off, Andy.’

  ‘Whatever.’

  She narrowed her eyes. ‘Don’t you dare start.’

  ‘Start what?’

  ‘Trying to pretend that nothing’s happened, that nothing’s changed.’

  ‘I’m not. But anything I do or say is going to be the wrong thing. So what’s the point? And why do you care if Jade avoids you?’

  ‘I care because she’s my best friend.’

  It took a moment for the words to sink in. ‘What?’

  ‘Well, who else have I got?’

  ‘I don’t understand you.’

  Her eyes glazed. ‘I’m aware of that.’ She turned, then stopped. ‘You realise Tim will cut you out of the dope money when he finds out.’

  ‘No, he won’t.’

  ‘What makes you so sure?’

  ‘He needs me.’

  ‘Why in the world would Tim need you?’

  Andrew fell silent, relieved when Tim called from the bathroom, ‘Can someone bring me a towel?’

  Heidi turned and walked away.

  twenty-seven

  Sam’s important meeting—a blonde wearing one of his white business shirts—answered the door and let them in. Her name was Cindy and she announced how excited she was that Sam was finally recording his first musicians. Clearly high on some kind of uppers, probably coke, Cindy laughed and clapped her hands at inappropriate spots in her monologue. She was still talking when Sam wandered downstairs wearing his black kimono and smoking a cigarette. He greeted them with a vague wave and sat in front of the TV to play a combat game on the PlayStation. Heidi and Tim left to warm up while Andrew stayed to talk to Sam about the choir girls.

  ‘It’s a present for Heidi’s mum. The song she wants to record for her.’

  Sam laughed. ‘Is it a fluid concept?’

  ‘No, this is a definite song—the girls arrive tomorrow. You’re going to love them, they’ve got amazing voices. You’ll be begging them to do vocals on your dance tracks.’

  ‘Yeah, we’ll see,’ Sam’s mouth dropped open, his eyes focused on the game.

  Andrew climbed the stairs and joined Heidi and Tim in the studio. An hour later, Sam appeared in front of the mixing desk. Aside from being trashed, he clearly had no idea how to operate his equipment. But it was Sam’s gear, Sam’s studio, Sam’s rules.

  Jade arrived after a couple of false starts. She waved sheepishly through the plexiglass and whispered something to Sam. Soon enough, she, Sam and Cindy were racking up lines of coke in the mixing room, while Heidi, Tim and Andrew waited in the studio. Sam pressed the intercom, sniffed twice and nodded.

  ‘Righto! Let’s do this! Show my little sis what you’re made of!’

  Heidi closed her eyes, straightened her back, and tapped them in. For the next three minutes, she played like she’d never played before and Tim and Andrew were dragged along for the ride. They were a perfect triangle of sound, the holy trinity of street musicians. Flying. Tim shouted and whooped at all the right places.

  Their changes were crisp. It felt amazing. Perfect.

  The song ended and the three of them beamed at each other, drunk on the music they’d made. They rushed into the mixing room to listen back to the recording. Jade rubbed her nose with the back of her fingers and glanced at Heidi. ‘That sounded great! You’re so talented, Heidi.’

  Heidi gave her a weak smile. ‘Thanks.’

  ‘That was a
mazing!’ Tim howled. ‘Quick! Play it back!’

  Everyone’s attention gravitated to Sam, who was pushing buttons, raising and lowering the levels. The silence expanded, gathered weight.

  He swallowed loudly and forced a smile. ‘Awesome rehearsal, guys. Top stuff. Now we’ll do it for real.’

  Heidi dropped her face into her hands, then looked up. ‘For real? That was as real as it gets.’

  ‘Hey, drop the attitude, sister…or this session is over. Done. Finished.’

  ‘Yeah, I know what over means, Sam.’

  ‘So you know what shut-the-fuck-up means, too.’

  ‘Hey!’ Andrew snapped. ‘Don’t talk to her like that.’ ‘Yeah,’ Jade added. ‘Apologise, right now!’

  They waited while Sam looked between them. ‘All right—I’m sorry, okay? It’s just the coke talking.

  Tim scratched his head. ‘So…you didn’t get any of that?’

  ‘No.’ Sam said. ‘Let’s try it again.’

  They headed back into the studio to try and duplicate the magic they’d created in the previous take, but Sam’s stuff-up had knocked the life out of them. They tried, but there was no energy, no bounce. Heidi was devastated. They knew it had been the take of takes.

  They knocked off an hour later, without recording anything worth keeping and Sam told them tomorrow was their last day. At the rates he charged, three days was all he could spare for the errand they were doing. After that he was booked up. That gave them one day to nail a recording with the choir girls. Andrew tried to call Belinda to see how far away from Sydney she was, but there was no answer.

  As they were getting ready to drive back to Bondi, Jade pulled Heidi aside. ‘Why don’t you stay and party with us, Heidi?’

  ‘Why would I do that?’ Heidi asked.

  Jade smiled. ‘’Cause we’ve got heaps of coke.’

  Was it the choice between holding a grudge and smoothing things over? Heidi turned to Tim and Andrew. ‘I’ll see you guys back at the apartment.’

  Andrew and Tim drove back to Bondi with parking tickets stuck to the windscreen wipers. Andrew knew what Tim would say—they were just pieces of paper, they didn’t mean anything. Instead, they focused their energy on bitching about Sam. What a prick he was. What a rich, smarmy, drug-fucked arsehole. How hard was it to push a ‘record’ button? They went right over the top with it and pissed themselves.