The Hawks_A Novel

by SD Hendrickson

  I floated through my days after that night. The emotions running out of control while I struggled to understand what had changed for us. It didn’t have a name. It didn’t speak of any promises. But something had changed.

  He made me feel things. Things I shouldn’t feel. I knew better. But Javier had made it impossible not to feel those ideas explode inside of me.

  And I couldn’t wait to feel them again.

  Our second date happened the following Tuesday. My personal day. Mrs. Hawthorn assumed I’d made dinner plans with my family, but instead, I drove to the aquarium. Javier wanted to show me the ocean. He came after work, wearing an expensive suit with a light-blue shirt and matching dark-blue tie—drastically overdressed for a place with children running around in the building and sea water splashing from a stingray touch tank.

  But I didn’t care. He looked so incredibly sexy in his work clothes. Polished. Sophisticated. With his arm around my shoulders, we toured the different tanks of tropical fish, stopping every so often to get a better look at the sea creatures. So fascinating. So beautiful. And then we watched feeding time in the large shark tank. Their teeth grabbed hunks of meat that dropped in the water. The whole place, the whole experience, was beyond amazing. An entire other world lived under the water. One I’d never seen.

  Javier’s love of swimming extended to scuba diving. He told me about his trips to places like Las Islas de San Bernardo in Colombia and Costa Rica. The guy had seen everything in the wild—coral reefs, sea turtles, dolphins, and even a few sharks.

  Some people never lost that childlike wonder of life. And Javier had that inside of him when it came to showing me something he knew I’d never experienced. He spent our second date with wild eyes and lips in a permanent smile as his whole body emanated with excitement.

  But the evening eventually came to an end. Once again, we found ourselves standing beside our separate cars. I wondered if he would kiss me this time. But when Javier faced me, the vibrant light had disappeared from his eyes, leaving a sad frown on his lips. “I’m sorry. I really wanted to stay out longer and take you to dinner. But I have to go back to the office.”

  “It’s okay. Believe me. I understand.” I smiled, placing a hand on his chest, running my fingers up to his neck. “I had a good time. Thank you for showing me the ocean.”

  His grin returned along with the earnest excitement that lit up his eyes. He cupped my cheeks in his palms. “The aquarium was nice. But next time, maybe I can show you the actual, real ocean.”

  My breath caught and a warm rush went through my chest. I wasn’t sure of his meaning, but I didn’t get a chance to ponder the words. His lips touched mine. A kiss to end all kisses. Maybe an exaggeration. But the touch of lips had followed those words.

  Did he just promise to take me to the actual, real ocean? Emotional expectations met physical. We kissed. He pushed me back against the side of his car. The softness of our mouths contradicted the feelings surging through us. His fingers were buried in my loose hair. I fought the urge to unbutton his shirt and slip a hand inside. I wanted more than he could give in an open parking lot. He stopped kissing me but didn’t pull away.

  “Sarina, I must go.” His breaths came in small pants as he rested his forehead against mine. Our bodies melded together. We stood that way until a car engine started in the aisle across from us. The headlights hit me in the face with a blinding wakeup call. His body separated from mine. The hidden rendezvous was over.

  Javier let out a deep breath, running his tongue over his bottom lip. “I’ll come see you when I get home.”

  “Is that a promise?” I whispered. Maybe I asked for tonight, but my thoughts were still on what he so casually mentioned about the ocean.

  “Sí.”

  I held his gaze. “Do you ever break promises?”

  “No.” He shook his head. “Not unless I don’t have a choice.”

  I flashed him a goodbye smile. Now wasn’t the time to press for a conversation of clarity. And maybe I didn’t really want to know the exact truth. This was good for now. I liked him and I knew he liked me. And he had shown me the ocean tonight.

  We both got in our separate cars. I drove back to the estate while he returned to the office. Javier put in long hours. More than me. That night, he came to my room around two in the morning. His arms held me and I fell into a sound sleep. I lay there as my emotions played through my chest. Intimacy came in more forms than just sex.

  I liked this part of him too.

  Late Summer

  I FOUGHT THE ANXIETY IN my chest, but the jitters didn’t come from sneaking out to meet Javier for our third date. Over the last few weeks, I’d dreaded leaving the estate and driving through the protestors. They had magically disappeared on the day of the garden party and then quickly reappeared two days later—furious and restless. And they had every right. I hated understanding even a bit of their vengeance. But after I’d discovered the truth of her actions, I knew the people wouldn’t be leaving any time soon.

  Delsey Hawthorn had handled the problem. But her method of handling the problem had only made things worse. The morning of the garden party, she’d called in a favor from an undisclosed political friend who arranged for the people to be arrested—or rather detained for forty-eight hours since no laws had technically been broken. Public street. No trespassing. Peaceful protest.

  If you called their glaring eyes and hateful snarls peaceful.

  As my blue Volkswagen reached the exit, I braced myself for the daily confrontation. The gates creaked open on the old hinges. The signs came into view. They bobbed up and down in a synchronized rhythm as the protesters chanted. Quietly. Peacefully.

  Don’t make eye contact.

  Don’t make eye contact.

  Pushing the gas pedal down hard, I drove my car past the people in the street, waiting until their angry faces disappeared into my rearview mirror before rolling down my windows. The air-conditioner didn’t work very well in my car, but I couldn’t put the window down until I was well beyond the gates, or risk being face-to-face with these people.

  With the moment of turmoil over, I breathed a sigh of relief and then laughed as the wind blew my hair around my shoulders. I’d thought about tonight for five days. Javier had let me pick the location of our third date. I’d chosen the drive-in movie theater—public yet cozy.

  I paid the entrance fee for my car and then parked toward the empty area in the back. The place wasn’t full yet. I walked around until I found his Range Rover on the second row, parked backward with the hatch lifted toward the screen. He gave me a little wave. Several blankets covered the inside of the SUV, allowing a place to sit back and get comfortable together. This would be a good third date.

  Javier smiled as I got closer. He slipped his hands around my waist, pulling my body flush against his chest. “Sarina, you tease me.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I grinned.

  “You lie.” He kissed me hard.

  Our mouths moved together as the moment turned heated. His fingers traveled to my hips and he gripped my butt cheeks. I knew he fought the urge to run a hand under my short skirt. The light-pink sundress stopped on the upper part of my thighs and the halter top dipped so low in the front that I couldn’t wear a bra without the lace cups showing.

  I wore the dress for him. Not that it wasn’t appropriate for public. But I did wear something a little more risqué, knowing he would see me in the seclusion of the drive-in theater in the back of his SUV. We kissed a little longer, drifting away into our own world. He finally broke away, tugging my bottom lip with his teeth as he lifted his mouth from mine.

  “We’re supposed to watch a movie tonight,” he whispered. “You’re making it very difficult by kissing me.”

  “You kissed me.”

  He laughed. “You made me.”

  “I can’t make you do anything.”

  “You make me crazy, hermosa. And that makes me want to do things I shouldn’t in publi
c.” His laughter tickled my neck as he pulled me in closer, placing a kiss behind my ear. “You better be wearing panties under that dress.”

  I responded with a wink.

  “Sarina . . .” he groaned.

  “Okay. Okay. Yes,” I whispered. “You want to know the color?”

  His jaw gritted as he fought the answer with a smile. “Not yet. But you can show me after the movie.”

  I kissed him. “Okay. That’s a promise.”

  Javier helped me into the back of the SUV. We sat on the blankets while leaning against the second-row seats. After we got situated, he flashed a grin, lips curling up like he held a secret.

  “What?” I teased. “Change your mind?”

  “No. But look next to you.”

  I picked up a small brown wooden box and worked the metal latch on the front. The smell drifted up without any of them being lit, causing the desire to burn in the pit of my stomach. “You brought them.”

  “I promised you another night with Damian.”

  As the film rolled across the screen, we passed a single cigar back and forth. The expensive tobacco filled the air. The moisture from our mouths blending together on the tip. The night felt comfortable. Being outdoors. The stars above our heads with the smell of Damian. The unspoken closeness growing between us. The more just getting bigger with him. More intense. More feelings. More everything.

  Javier rested a hand on my leg. His fingers brushed lightly against my inner thigh. Tempting me. Teasing me. On purpose, I think. He glanced a few times in my direction, but his lips stayed relaxed and almost humorous. I leaned over and placed a chaste kiss against them.

  He smiled and took my hand, coaxing my palm flat as our fingers intertwined together. Touching my leg turned me on sexually. Touching my hand turned on my heart. The rush of emotions went through my chest, spinning my imagination and playing with my thoughts.

  I really liked him.

  I wanted to keep him.

  But I never said anything. I wouldn’t know how to share without divulging thoughts that needed to remain quiet. At the end of the day, he would still leave and my imagination needed to stop playing scenes of a future with Javier. I should just enjoy the way it felt to have his attention today.

  The movie was about half over when my phone rang. My muscles tensed up as my thoughts automatically went to Mrs. Hawthorn. Maybe she knew about us. Maybe she’d placed a tracking device in my car. Or the Range Rover. Maybe she’d paid someone to place a tracking device in all the cars. That’s how she had eyes around the city. I knew the thought seemed insane, but then again, she functioned with a side of crazy.

  Peering at the screen, I breathed a sigh of relief. The smiling face of Tyson flashed as the phone vibrated. I didn’t want to interrupt my time with Javier, but I had to take his call. I would never ignore my little brother when he reached out to me. Not when he allowed me to live in this moment.

  “Hey, Ty, can I call you back?” I whispered.

  Sirens wailed in the background. “You um . . . I’m sorry. I-I . . . um. Bad. So fucking bad.”

  He was talking fast and the words jumbled together. I knew something was terribly wrong and panic hit like a fist to my gut. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak. The air pulled in my lungs with a gasp as the pretend movie played in the background and real life crashed on the other end of the phone.

  “Tyson. Slow down. It’s going to be okay.” It was a lie. I had no idea what was going on. “Just tell me what happened.”

  “I wasn’t there. I meant to be. And a knife. She got a knife, Sarina.”

  My eyes closed. It was Mama. The fear twisted up inside of me. Tears ran down my cheeks. I felt Javier wrap me in his arms. He didn’t even know what was going on. In truth, neither did I. But I needed to tell Tyson everything would magically get better.

  “It’s going to be okay. We can . . . just, what happened, Ty?”

  “Cut her wrists. There was blood. It was everywhere. B-but she . . . the paramedics. They said she didn’t do it right. She didn’t cut them right.”

  “She’s alive?” I whispered. My throat grew tight with every breath. My hands were shaking as I clasped the phone.

  “Yeah. I have to go. I’m in the ambulance. Can you meet us at the hospital?” I heard sounds on the other end of the line as he asked someone a question. “We’re going to Mercy General.”

  “I’ll be there. I’m leaving now.” The phone went dead before I could end the call. I wiped the tears from my cheeks as I looked back at Javier. I swallowed hard. “I have . . . I have to go to the hospital. It’s my mama.”

  “Let me come with you.” His eyes pleaded with me.

  “No. I-I think.” I sniffled. “I just think it would be better if I went alone.”

  He shook his head. “No. You shouldn’t go alone to the hospital. It’s your family. Let me drive you.”

  “No.” I worked to pull myself tightly together and away from the safety of his arms. “That’s sweet. Thank you. But it’s just better that I go by myself. Please understand.”

  This was my family’s mess. And I didn’t want this man anywhere near it. Our worlds didn’t need to collide tonight. I had too many other things to worry about with Ty and my mother. I couldn’t be distracted by bringing this stranger in the middle of our family tragedy.

  We both crawled out the back of his SUV. When my feet touched the ground, Javier pulled me into an embrace. His arms made the world stop spinning. I tried to bottle the feeling up inside my chest for later. I wanted to take his goodness with me. His kind heart. His calmness. I would need those feelings when I arrived at the hospital and my world felt cold and broken.

  His lips brushed my forehead. “Call me if you need me. I will come sit with you. Or take you away. Whatever you need.”

  “Thank you.” I looked up into his eyes. My hands cupped his cheeks. “You’re a good man, Javier. I don’t say it enough.”

  I kissed his lips. And then I released him back to his world. I got in my own car with the broken seat and the hot air-conditioner—and drove back into my own world.

  Mercy General wasn’t the best in the city. In fact, the hospital opened their doors mostly to those without the best healthcare coverage. It’s also the reason why Mrs. Hawthorn did charity fundraisers for the place. The ironic twist hit me as I stepped through the sliding doors. In just two weeks, the gala in the ballroom would hopefully raise millions for this very place.

  Inside the emergency room waiting area, I found my grandparents and brother. The yellowed walls spoke of better days. So did our family.

  They didn’t see me at first. Each lost in their own grief. Grams stared out into the lobby with deep worry lines etched across her forehead. She wore a faded-blue evening housecoat. The one she always put on after dinner, but before the nightly news. Granddaddy sat next to her. His large frame filled the entire chair, yet his body seemed gaunt. Almost frail tonight. Breakable. I had a quick stab of fear about his own health and hoped his demeanor just came from worrying about my mother.

  Ty seemed frozen. Not moving. Not blinking. Eyes vacant and lost. The skin beneath his lashes a faint purple. The happy light replaced by haunting fear. My throat tightened, seeing the dried blood streaked on his gray shirt.

  Oh, Tyson. I’m so sorry. I wanted to say those words. Wrap him in a big hug. Tell my little brother it would all be okay. Instead, I just sat down next to him. Because those words might be lies.

  “How is she?” I asked quietly.

  “The doctors are looking her over,” Ty muttered. “She needs stitches on some of the cuts and then . . . I don’t know.”

  “They’ll probably have her committed this time,” Grams said weakly, her strength fading right before me.

  “Don’t say that.” Granddaddy took her hand, intertwining his long, wrinkled fingers with her shorter ones. “We don’t know that yet.”

  I watched their interactions. The way they communicated without the words. The comforting touches a
nd shared glances. The stability of my grandparents had always made me feel safe and grounded. But right now, that solid ground seemed to crack open, swallowing them up into the dark abyss.

  “What happened?” I didn’t want to know, but I needed to hear the details. Guilt spread like fire in my veins. I needed to know what I’d missed while I was away.

  “I don’t know.” Grams shook her head. “I was at home with her. It was just me. And she was in the living room watching that program she likes on the television. Wheel of Fortune.”

  I nodded along. Mama liked game shows. The flashing lights and spinning dials always kept her attention when nothing else did these days. Grams kept a few of them recorded to play in the evenings.

  “So I thought she’d be fine. I went outside to the chicken coop and was gonna get some eggs. I came back in, and Shelby had one of the knives. We keep the good ones locked up. But this was just a little steak knife. I tried to take it away from her. But she’s always too strong for me.”

  Tears clouded her eyes for a moment, and Granddaddy pulled Grams a little tighter. They huddled together. The pain so deep, I could barely even look at them.

  “It wasn’t your fault,” I whispered.

  “Oh, honey, but it is. I should have watched Shelby better. But she got away and went straight to the bathroom. We’d changed the knob so she couldn’t lock us out again. But she broke it right off from the inside. I don’t know. It all happened so fast.” Grams sniffled. “I beat on the door. I called Ty and your granddad. Your brother got home first and kicked the door down. But she’d already done the damage. Your mama had cuts all over her legs and up and down her arms. Some of them deep. But I guess none of them were right on an artery.”

  I fought my own tears. Her words physically hurt my skin. They hurt my heart. I struggled to remain put together. I couldn’t fall apart. Not now. I needed to be the calm in the storm. I let out a deep breath. “It’s going to be okay.”