Memoirs of a Crimefighter

by Seth Jacob

  “No,” Insight said adamantly.

  “I haven’t even said—”

  “I can feel what you’re gonna say, and you know that’s not the, like, kind of thing The Millennials does, so you can just stop, man. Just stop, seriously,” Insight demanded.

  “Whoa whoa slow down, Insight, I want to hear this from him…” Joe Metal was intrigued, but Insight wasn’t having any of it. She crossed her arms, and looked away. A little storm cloud of purple telepathic energy raged above her short brown hair. I lowered my voice so that the other superheroes on the other side of the back area wouldn’t overhear this next part, and I continued.

  “Here’s the thing, Joe. The Punster, he confronted me, he tried to get me to be his mole in the superhero community…I turned him down, obviously. But when we fight guys like Master Boson, we are doing exactly what The Punster wants. Guys like that get paid off by The Punster to put on a show, to take a dive while The Punster and the major league supervillains get away with the real crimes. I’m talking about hundreds of millions of dollars that just quietly disappear while we have superpowered brawls with clowns like Master Boson or Professor Dinosaur or Captain fucking Haiku for the millionth time. The Punster is deliberately distracting us with that bullshit.”

  “Wow. And, what, you’re saying we should try to stop him?” Joe asked incredulously.

  “Well, yeah. Yeah, I am.”

  “Why? Bro, I hate to say this, but I’m kinda with Insight on this one—”

  “Thank you!” Insight practically shouted.

  “I mean, she’s right, Spectacle, that’s not really what we do. We’ve always gone after the small time guys like Master Boson. On purpose. It’s always been our strategy to catch ten losers and collect ten small warrant checks, rather than go after one incredibly dangerous guy like The Abnormalite with a huge warrant on his head. Ten small checks is better than one huge check that comes with the possibility of getting your head ripped off by that four armed psycho.”

  “I’ll tell you this much, Joe, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Master Boson got paid more tonight for putting on a show than we did for catching him. Hell, The Punster probably paid him more than we make in a year.”

  “Seriously? So you’re basically saying that supervillains now have sweet union perks? Man, I should become a supervillain,” Mr. Mercurial kidded, and his trademark silver smile had returned.

  “It’s not about the money, Spectacle,” Joe insisted.

  “Speak for yourself. I’m already trying to come up with a cool villain name. How’s this look for a villain face?” Mr. Mercurial asked, and his gleaming face morphed into a maniacal, crazy eyed version of his normally friendly face. His villain caricature even had a pencil thin mustache that he twirled while he looked at us with menacing eyes.

  “It’s not about the money, Joe? What is it about, then?”

  “It’s…look, Spectacle, I’m sorry about your dad. I really want to make that clear…but you want us to try to fuck with The Abnormalite? The Immaterial Man? The goddamn Dragon General? These are dudes that the Superb 6 fight! Those guys, they’re some of the most powerful superhumans alive. They’re not the kind of people you want to mess with, you know?”

  “I can’t believe this. You’re the guy who always used to go on and on about how we were gonna be members of the Superb 6 before we were 30. What happened to that?”

  Joe didn’t say anything. He looked away from me, and then his eyes resumed poring through the endless streams of social media.

  “Oh, whatever man, just go back to sucking on your digital baby bottle, that’s just great. What happened to us, Joe? We were gonna be next in line to join the Superb 6…instead, we spend night after night fist fighting with jackasses like Captain Haiku, the same guys we’ve been fighting since we were teenagers. We act like we’re better than dudes like Captain Haiku…but from a distance, we all look like a bunch of idiots in costumes fighting each other, Joe. You gotta see that.”

  “Spectacle, that’s enough,” Insight said.

  “No, no I’m tired…of this fucking cartoon show!” I raised my voice, maybe a little too loudly, and the superheroes across the back area walked back inside with uncomfortable expressions on their masked faces. Joe stopped browsing the constant flow of tweets and feeds and tumblr posts.

  “I can’t keep fighting these C-list losers, Joe. Not while The Punster is laughing all the way to the bank.”

  “Spectacle…the Superb 6 will deal with this. This is their, what’s the word…this is their jurisdiction, you know? This won’t help our brand, bro. This isn’t something we’re equipped to handle,” Joe said.

  “You’re right. But I’ve sort of become friends with Ultra Lady—”

  “You’ve become friends with Ultra Lady? Since when? Oh man, you gotta introduce me to her…” Mr. Mercurial said, and his eyes contorted into big heart shapes and his silver tongue dropped out of his mouth like a dog’s tongue flopping around on a hot day. He slobbered little beads of mercury on my shoulder, and I pushed him away.

  “The Superb 6 isn’t available to take care of this right now, Joe. They’re too busy, oh, I don’t know, saving the world while we fuck around with Master Boson and his goddamn Ninjatoms.”

  “So? They’ll be back. I’m sorry, I just don’t see what the big deal is.”

  “I did some research, Joe. Did you know that in the past month, there’s been a series of kidnappings from orphanages? Dozens and dozens of teenagers just disappeared into thin air…I think The Punster is abducting them. I think he’s building a child slave army of henchmen.”

  Joe raised an eyebrow, and he started to say something, but he stopped.

  “Here’s another thing. The Abnormalite and Mistress Gorgon raided several gun stores and even police armories. They’re stealing guns straight out of police stations now, Joe. They gotta be selling them, probably through The Specialist. And surprise, surprise, gun violence has risen a lot in the past month. There’s also been several high powered CEOs and multimillionaire investment bankers who vanished from their homes, and their entire bank accounts emptied out…The Punster and his little buddies stuffing their pockets, no doubt, and murdering everyone in their path. These are people with families, Joe, despite whatever irresponsible things they’ve done. Oh, and SUHP sales? They’re through the roof…Dr. Delusion’s got the full power of The Punster’s resources supporting his drug trade. He probably slaughtered all of his competitors. People are dying, Joe, while we have yet another rousing fight with a wannabe ninja with lame energy powers.”

  “Spectacle…what makes you think this is any different from the way things normally are?” Insight asked, and the telepathic storm cloud above her head dissipated into purple mist.

  “Excuse me?”

  “That stuff is terrible…no one’s gonna argue with you about that. And maybe it’s a little more extreme than the normal level of costumed criminal activity. But come on, Spectacle. You can’t be this naive. This is the way it’s always been. There’s always been costumed criminals who try to be the big boss of supervillains. Let’s say we do take on The Punster, and let’s say we actually beat him…which we won’t by the way, but let’s just say that we do, for the sake of the argument. It’ll be a week until another asshole replaces The Punster, if that. What’s the point?” Insight’s eyes radiated purple telepathic energy as she said this, and I could feel her trying to calm me down.

  “Stop that. I mean it,” I said, and the purple light in Insight’s eyes blinked out.

  “Okay. I’ll stop. But you know I have a point.”

  “Spectacle, again, I want to stress that I’m extremely sorry for your loss. And I hate to have to say this, but I don’t know what else to say, you’re kind of forcing my hand here. What was the one rule that we built The Millennials around?” Joe locked eyes with mine. I knew what he was going to say, but I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of saying it myself.

  “No archenemies. Remember? No archenem
ies, because making it personal with extremely powerful, sociopathic superhumans is what gets you killed. If you want to survive in this business, you don’t want to have someone like Mistress Gorgon infatuated with the idea of murdering you or your loved ones. There’s a reason we fight low level supervillains…because it’s easy, and easier is always better. I can’t even believe I have to be the one to tell you this, of all people. This is practically your life philosophy. And this thing with The Punster, I dunno about you guys, but it sounds a hell of a lot like an archenemy situation to me.”

  “That’s true, you totally say that shit all the time. You’re all like, ‘No archenemies, archenemies are for dummies who wanna get killed’,” Mr. Mercurial transformed his face into a mocking, exaggerated version of my own, and he did his best impression of me. He was uncomfortable with all the tension. He was just trying to inject a little levity into the situation, but I just couldn’t take it.

  “Shut the fuck up, Mr. Mercurial,” I said, and I slapped my face off of his metal face. I instantly felt bad, like I just kicked a puppy or something, and Mr. Mercurial nervously smiled. Joe Metal and Insight were stunned.

  “I…I’m sorry. That was out of line. It’s just…I know that’s what I said. I know that. But The Punster…he’s out there, and what are we doing? We’re wasting our lives having pointless fights with bottom of the barrel losers. I don’t know…maybe you’re right, Insight. Maybe The Punster will just be replaced by someone else. All I know is that every day that we do nothing, people get hurt in the hundreds, maybe the thousands. People are dying because we’re afraid to grow up and face this.”

  “I’m sorry too, Spectacle. But I’m done talking about this, bro. I can’t go along with you on this death wish of yours,” Joe Metal said, and he turned away from me. He flicked open a compartment in the forearm of his armor and pulled out a cigarette. He stuck it in his mouth, a little stream of fire flowed from his armored thumb, and he lit the cigarette. Joe couldn’t even look at me as he smoked and retreated to browsing social media feeds.

  “Spectacle, for what it’s worth, I totally see where you’re coming from, man. I just think…the Superb 6 will be back soon. There’s no reason to risk our lives over this,” Insight said, and she seemed completely unaware of the irony of that statement coming from a so called superhero.

  “The superhero industry has always been an elaborate game, man. I guess with my mental abilities, it’s easier for me to see, but it’s always been an illusion, a push and pull of competing interests and political maneuverings—”

  “Insight, spare me the half baked hippy philosophy. I’ve had enough of your whole enlightened, pseudo-mystical bullshit…you’re a hypocrite. Why don’t you take another hit of crystal SUHP and tell me all about expanding your consciousness and the true meaning of superheroism,” I said, and I poured out my beer onto the gravel covered ground. I turned to leave, and in my mind, that was it. I was done with The Millennials.

  “I’m with you,” Mr. Mercurial said, and I stopped. I turned and looked at Mr. Mercurial. He extended a silver hand to me. I shook his cold, liquid metal hand, and he looked at me with those ball bearing eyes of his. For the first time since I had known him, Mr. Mercurial was being totally and completely serious.

  “Thank you. Sorry, I uh, slapped you.”

  “It’s cool. I’m just gonna wait, I’m gonna bide my time, and when you least expect it, I’m gonna slap the shit out of you. Probably when you’re sleeping,” Mr. Mercurial said, and that shit eating silver grin of his was back as if that moment of seriousness had never happened.

  Insight and Joe Metal weren’t talking. Insight’s SUHP dilated eyes were glowing purple, and so were Joe’s. They were having a private telepathic conversation about what just happened.

  “Look…guys…I didn’t mention this before. I don’t know why. I guess I’m still wrapping my head around it, to be totally honest, but…The Punster killed my mother. When I was about three.”

  The purple light in Insight and Joe Metal’s eyes went out.

  “I thought she died in a car crash. My whole life, that’s what I thought, because that’s what my dad let me think. The Punster, he killed my mom, just to hurt my dad. That’s the kind of insane murderer that we’re letting run rampant…I’ve got to stop him. I’ve just…okay, maybe I do have a death wish, Joe. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’d rather die than do nothing while The Punster hurts more innocent people. People like my mother.”

  I started walking towards the back door of The Domino Mask, and Mr. Mercurial walked with me.

  “Wait,” Joe said, and I stopped.

  “Okay, Spectacle. I’m in. You can’t do this on your own, bro,” Joe said, and I leaped over to him and slapped him on his exoskeleton covered back hard enough to make him stumble. His armor rang like a bell, and I hugged him.

  “Thank you, Joe. You have no idea what this means to me.”

  “Yeah yeah, get off me man, it’s gonna mean a lot to you when Mistress Gorgon turns all four of us into a goddamn pile of ashes.”

  “What about you, Insight? Will you do this with us?” I asked Insight, and she smiled.

  “Okay. I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this, but okay,” Insight said, and purple telekinetic energy sparked and spasmed around her head. She was more than a little worried about this.

  “Alright! Everybody! Hands in the center…The Millennials for life, on three! One, two, thr—”

  “Shut up, Mr. Mercurial,” Insight, Joe Metal, and I said simultaneously.

  Chapter 15: Too Much

  Fighting The Immaterial Man is like trying to have a fist fight with a swarm of bees. There’s nothing to punch. He’s everywhere and nowhere. But unlike a cloud of raging bees, The Immaterial Man can do a lot more than sting you. The Immaterial Man can slip between the molecules of your throat and pull out your esophagus. He can become a fog, wrap around you like a damp blanket, and suffocate you to death within his moist, amorphous form. Or The Immaterial Man can transform his smokey body into the shape of a man, and he can pummel you to death with fists as hard as iron while the rest of his body is as intangible as a ghost. I don’t like to think about how many superheroes have died while The Immaterial Man’s disembodied laughs echoed around them as he watched them die with those burning, molten hot eyes of his.

  Insight’s telepathic abilities allow her to see things within her mind’s eye. In a deep, meditative state, she can remote view events happening around the world, and when she’s really in the zone, sometimes things that haven’t happened yet. That’s how we were able to track The Immaterial Man to the world headquarters of a particular tech company that I won’t mention by name because I don’t want to get sued. Insight envisioned a high security lab within the facility where they kept the prototype for a certain company’s next generation smartphone. She also very clearly saw The Immaterial Man moving his way through the downtown building’s ventilation system like a fine, murderous mist.

  “Alright guys. As soon as he steps out of that door…we go at him with everything we’ve got, okay? It’s that easy,” Joe Metal said as we stood outside the skyscraper headquarters of the tech company.

  “Something’s not right,” Insight said. She furrowed her brow. Purple telepathic energy steamed off of her head.

  “Yeah, something’s not right. We should be doing, oh, I don’t know, anything but this,” Mr. Mercurial said. Drops of chrome sweat poured down his face.

  “What do you mean, Insight?” I asked, tasting stomach acid in my mouth. I was so scared to face The Immaterial Man that I had violently thrown up before we rushed across town to stop him from stealing the prototype smartphone.

  “I mean, I don’t think we’re making the right move here…The Immaterial Man’s got the phone, and he’s dropping down, fast. He’s falling, like, a rock through the building, man. He can go through walls…why would he come out the front door?” Insight looked to me. Telepathic energy bubbled around her head now like a crown of boiling p
urple water.

  “Hey, I’m just putting this out there…Crystallor is having a costume party at his place, and we already have costumes, right? Maybe we could head over that way?” Mr. Mercurial asked.

  “The subway,” Joe said.

  “No, it’s cool, don’t listen to me, seriously that’s awesome,” Mr. Mercurial grumbled as we ran to the staircase leading into the subway tunnels. Terrified people were already running up and out of the subway, and we could hear screaming reverberating from down near the platforms. We had to push against the current of panicked, horrified civilians rushing up the stairs and onto the city streets.

  When we got to the platform, I saw something that I never wanted to see. The Immaterial Man was seeping through the cracks of the subway tunnel ceiling like a sickly, greenish gray gas. The train left the station and barreled through the clouds billowing down from the roof of the tunnel, and I caught a glimpse of the train operator’s petrified face as she got the hell out of there. There was an overpowering smell of rotten milk as the pale green fumes bled down from the ceiling. The smokey form of The Immaterial Man flowed down from above us, and solidified into the rough approximation of a man standing below us on the tracks, a man with horrible red eyes like bloody suns, a man with a swirling smog smile. And his laugh, that squealing laugh that came from nowhere and everywhere, it was like the disembodied voice of a mad god.

  The Immaterial Man gave us one sideways glance with those smoldering red eyes, and then he ran down the tracks and into the tunnel. I could see the phone suspended in the middle of his hazy, translucent chest as he made a break for it. Against every reasonable instinct of self preservation that I have, I bolted towards the edge of the platform. I leapt towards The Immaterial Man and snatched that phone right out of his chest as I lunged through his foul smelling body.