by Jaci Wheeler
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Cameron
“I can’t believe I let you talk me into doing this crap on my day off,” Hayden grumbles.
“I saved you from a day of boredom and you know it.”
“Ha! I could be wooing the ladies right now if it weren’t for my slave driver of an older brother.”
I punch him lightly in the arm.
“Hey! I’m not giving up my only day off for you to abuse me. Are you going to tell me why we are making this creepy room of mirrors anyway? I love you, bro, you know I do, but I’m not kidnapping anyone and forcing them to put lotion on, dude.” I roll my eyes and contemplate hitting him again but he is helping me on his day off as he keeps reminding me, so I give him a free pass this time.
“It’s for Tali.”
“I assumed as much, but why?”
I sigh, not really wanting to get into this, but Hayden is very observant and I trust his opinion. Maybe he has some ideas that will work with her. This is my last one and then I’m tapped.
“Honestly, it’s a last-ditch effort. I’ve never met anyone so meek and skittish before. She has absolutely zero confidence yet she wants to go into a field where 99.9% of us are cocky assholes. And why is that? Because we are skilled and we are confident enough in our skills that we can save ourselves and others. It’s our job to be cocky. But this shy, scared little girl comes in here afraid of her shadow wanting to be an agent. It just doesn’t make sense.”
“Obviously it’s more than that or you wouldn’t have agreed to train her,” my brother says point blank.
“Then there’s that.”
“So, it goes deeper?”
“Much. The girl is driven, I’ll give her that. Stubborn in a quiet way that makes no freaking sense. I’d take Ari any day over her. Ari and I may have butt heads like crazy but we could spar and match each other on every point: physical, mental, wit. But with Tali, God the girl makes me crazy. How can you teach someone who just screams to be protected?”
My brother just shoots me a knowing grin that I’m about three seconds from knocking off his face.
“You like her.”
“No way. She annoys the crap out of me.”
“She annoys you? Or the fact that you want to protect her and you can’t annoys you?”
Oh man, do I want to hit him. I want to punch that stupid grin right off his face and he knows it.
“Hey man, don’t take it out on me! I’m just pointing out that she might not be the problem at all.”
One of the biggest reasons I love Hayden is because he’s perceptive and will always call me out on my crap. That’s also why I hate him. There’s no way I have feelings for Tali; I just don’t like to see anyone put in a bad place, that’s all.
“You don’t need your mouth to hang mirrors, dude. Let’s move it.”
***
I’ve been up for hours wondering if this is a good idea. As much as I know this is going to tear at her emotional scars, it’s not her I’m worried about…it’s me. I’m many things, a jerk on good days but what I’m not is a hypocrite.
If I expect her to be vulnerable with me I’m going to have to be vulnerable with her. Some people you can push physically, demand and instruct like I did with Aria. But most of Ari’s scars weren’t emotional. I’m going to have to open up with Tali and it terrifies me more than anything else in the world.
A specific time would have been helpful, but until the final we are always in training mode and you need to always be ready to go at a moment’s notice. I don’t tell her when; I just show up and she better be prepared. I bang on the door loudly, hear a yip, and know I must have scared her. Lord, this is going to be impossible; she is scared of everything.
“Crap! Hold on,” she yells through the door. Nope, not okay; when I said be ready I meant it. Two seconds is all it takes me to burst her door open and go charging in like a bull with a scowl on my face.
“I thought I told you to be ready.” I’m surprised when she sends me a matching look.
“I was, but you weren’t here so I decided to read when you…wait a minute. How did you get in here?” I roll my eyes at her ridiculous question and ignore it completely.
“I’m here now. Hurry and get ready so we can go.”
She looks down at her long-sleeved black shirt, leggings, and running shoes.
“Um…I am ready.”
I give her a slow look from head to toe in order to throw her off and in no time, she’s scarlet. She hates people looking at her and I’m not just looking, I’m appraising.
“I don’t think so; this won’t do. Swim suit, dress on top, hair pulled back,” I order. This time it’s her turn to disagree.
“Excuse me? Who do you think you are?”
“The person you asked for help, so I’m helping. I’ll give you two minutes,” I say as I walk out just as quickly as I came in.
Bang, bang, bang!
“Tali, come on, let’s go.”
She opens the door still in her original outfit, with a bathing suit tie peeking out the neck and heads out the door with what I know is mock confidence.
“You’ve got to be kidding me!”
“I tried, I did. I just can’t do it, Cameron; that isn’t me.”
“Exactly why you failed the test. We are trying to make sure that doesn’t happen again. We do it my way, Tali.” Without even asking for permission I reach into my pocket, remove my pick, and I’m inside her room in no time, and out just as quick with a handful of her things that I helped myself to.
“Not another word unless it’s ‘yes, sir,’” I say with a smirk.
She quickly shuts her mouth and follows in silence to one of the classrooms at the academy. It’s in the older wing that doesn’t get used very often and has very little student traffic. I unlock the door, this time with an actual key.
“In you go,” I say, turning on the light. She instantly jumps behind me like a skittish child. I just shake my head and pray for patience as I walk further into the room. Everything has been removed and the walls are covered in mirrors from the ground up. Even the ceiling is a mirror.
I can practically see the bile crawling its way up her throat and watch as she swallows hard and fights tears. I know she hates mirrors and that she does her very best to avoid them. It’s like without them she’s just her, just Tali. But when she gets a glimpse of herself, even after all these years, I can see her flinch with the reminder of what she looks like.
“Cameron, please, I can’t do this.”
“Maybe not yet, but by the end of today you will.” I say it as fact, no malice or sarcasm in sight. And that seems to put her somewhat at ease as she takes a deep, shaky breath and nods once.
“I will try.” She can tell by the look on my face that I was expecting more of a fight, so I give her a tentative smile to show I appreciate her at least trying.
“Okay, we will take this slow, Tali. If you need to cry, that’s fine. If you need a moment, you can take one. But no fleeing or shutting down on me, alright?” I say this like I’m talking down a wild animal. She looks ready to bolt and I’m horrible at this emotional crap.
“Okay,” is all she can squeak out.
“It’s ridiculous how absurd this is. It’s just mirrors for heaven’s sake, but I feel as if I’m walking into a room full of snakes. In fact, I much rather do that.” She laughs nervously at herself.
“Let’s sit down and just look in the mirror a bit, okay? Since they are everywhere just look where you feel the most comfortable.”
She sits down and I sit right next to her, close but not touching. Out of habit she leans her head forward and down so her hair covers half of her face.
“Just look now.”
She does, but it isn’t at herself. She’s looking at me and I instantly call her on it.
“Not at me, Tali; you need to look at yourself. I’m not asking for anything else, just look for a while. You can talk or stay silent, it doesn’t matter to me.”
She fina
lly brings her eyes up to the mirror and stares at herself long and hard. Her eyes don’t shift to take in her appearance.
Right now, they are focused on the color of her eyes. I watch as she takes in every detail of the soft brown color. Her eyes then flick over to mine. She meets the intense blue with her soft honeyed eyes and freezes. I need to keep her in the moment. Keep that fear away.
“What do you like about what you see?”
“My eyes. They are not a beautiful blue like yours, but they are a nice shade of brown, almost the color of dark honey, and they are kind. That’s something I’ve always liked about myself, my kind approachable eyes.” I’m always shocked when she answers me so open and honestly. That is a very rare quality to find in this place.
Everyone is guarded here; they have more secrets than worldly possessions and know how to wield them better than any weapon. After a few minutes, I stand up and make my way behind her.
“I’m not going to hurt you; I’m just tying your hair back.” I’m trying to be as gentle as I can because I can almost feel how fragile she is. It’s as if she would shatter right in my hands if I touch her too hard.
“There. Now look.”
She’s not looking at herself; once again she’s looking directly at me.
“I know what I look like. I don’t understand why we are doing this.” I don’t say anything; I just continue to look back at her, not the scars on her neck or face or the burned and damaged girl, just her, Tali. I can tell she’s trying hard, but failing not to flinch. Once I give her enough time to get comfortable with me just looking at her I decide it’s time to press.
“Okay, Tali, shirt off.”
Her eyes go wide and she almost chokes. I burst out laughing at her reaction.
“You have your swimsuit on, remember? Geez, you act like I’m some kind of deprived pervert.”
By the look on her face, she forgot about the swimsuit. Although even if she hadn’t, she’d be just as uncomfortable, but she doesn’t question me. She removes her shirt and looks down. She can’t bring herself to face me. The worst of her burns are on her back and chest. Her legs have very little but the upper body is a mess.
“Look up.” It was a demand, not a request. The softness in my voice is gone now replaced with a commanding tone.
“I don’t want to.” I hate how weak her voice sounds, how broken she feels.
“Why don’t you want to? Tell me.”
“Because I can’t bear to see you watch me.” I can see that she hates that she spoke the truth. She can’t bear to see pity, or even worse, disgust.
Because she’s looking down she doesn’t see me approach, but I can tell the minute she feels me standing right behind her. My breath tickles the back of her neck and ever so slowly one finger caresses her ear, then gently runs down her bad shoulder, and over her back.
Just a light feather touch, but it isn’t questioning, or curious; I’m trying to show her that the scars don’t bother me. That’s when she looks up. She’s still not looking at herself; she’s watching me watch her in the mirror and it’s odd, almost like we are looking down at two different people. Right now, I’m just a man, one who is letting my attraction show.
“Do you know what I used to see when I looked at you, Tali?”
She shakes her head no.
“I saw a frightened scared little girl who hid behind her hair and clothes, who didn’t belong.”
“Ouch, tell me how you really feel, Cameron.” My words hurt more than she’d ever admit. But I don’t stop there.
“Look at me,” I demand. When her eyes find mine once again in the mirror I continue.
“Right now, in this room, in this moment I don’t see that girl. The girl who is standing in front of me is strong, she is a warrior and has the marks to prove her strength, her worth.”
She is stunned by my words. I can tell she’s waiting for me the smirk to appear or my taunting tone to return, but it doesn’t. I’m the most genuine I’ve ever been and I watch as my words humble her. My thumb catches the lone tear that runs down her face.
“I understand how it hurts, Tali, to lose everything you know, everything you love. It used to hurt so bad I wished the pain would come out, that it would manifest into physical form.”
“Why?”
“So everyone could see it, so people would know that I’ve been through something horrible, that I feel horrible, that I survived hell and back.”
Another tear falls, but this one is for me and my pain.
“I look at these, Tali, and I know what you went through and I see how far you’ve come. You wear these with pride because it means you are a warrior. When those men taunt you, and try to break you with words, you raise your head and look them right in the eye. Be proud of who you are. Your broken parts may be on display for everyone to see, but sometimes I wish more than anything mine were as well.”
I take a deep breath and let the mask I’ve carefully constructed over the years to slowly tumble down. Just looking in the mirror you would see a Greek god, all tan and golden and beautiful. He certainly doesn’t look broken. But I slowly rip at his exterior from the inside.
I drop the cockiness and allow the pain to tumble out of me and distort my features into the scared and desperate little boy that I always carry inside of me. She’s not the only one standing here bare. I’ve removed my mask. My fake confidence was left at the door and when I look at him I can see all his broken pieces. I can see the insecure little boy wanting his pain to manifest and I’m sure she can too. I swallow what feels like the rocks that have affixed themselves to my throat and rasp out something I’ve never voiced before.
“If you were to go into a burning building, Tali, everyone would expect you to freeze. They would take one look at your scars and understand your deepest fears and heartaches.”
I clench my hands into fists at my side to keep myself from stopping the tears that now roll down my face. “But when I walk into a gun fight and freeze, when my very worst fears and memories haunt me, nobody understands. I’m sucked back into the vortex of watching my father point blank shoot my mother in the head.” I see her flinch at my words and her cheeks now glisten to match my own.
“My brokenness is all on the inside and I used to pray people could see it. I wanted it to burst open and hurt on the outside just as bad as it does on the inside.”
“I see it, Cam. I see your pain, I feel it. You aren’t alone and you aren’t broken…you are beautiful.” She says with so much love and acceptance that I can’t say anything back, hoping my silent tears say enough. We stand there absorbing each other’s pain, feeding strength to one another.
***
I stand back and watch my girl in awe. Crap! Since when did I start thinking of her as my girl? Since the freaking massive breakthrough, that’s when. Everything changed after that day. It’s only been a few months since then but Tali is a different person now, and if I were being honest, so am I.
We never talk about that day but it isn’t anything awkward we avoid either. It was the day we both broke through our past. Who would have thought Tali could actually fight? I’m amazed as I watch her mop the floor with Hayden. She’s fast and sure on her feet, faster than I would have ever thought. All she needed was some confidence and someone to believe in her. Luckily, I could give her both. They finish in the ring and Hayden throws her a bottle of water then takes one for himself.
“Thirty minutes on the bag, Tali. I want you working on your punch,” I yell to her. She tosses me a smile and walks over to the bag as Hayden makes his way over to me.
“I’ve got to hand it to you, bro. The magic mirror room worked.” I can’t help but chuckle at this knucklehead.
“Magic mirror room?”
“That’s the only thing I’ve come up with. She walked in all shy and timid and came out this fiery beast. She killed me out there.”
“Yeah, she did. I think you are getting soft on me, brother.” He shoots me a glare.
“No fre
aking way. We made magic, that’s all. I want half of the earnings you make from that room. You could make a killing selling that thing by the hour.” I slap him upside the head for good measure.
“Don’t you have someplace to be?”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m going. Take care of my little Rocky, will ya?” As he leaves the gym he yells over his shoulder, “We make magic, dude!”
I groan. I’m never going to hear the end of it from the other guys in the gym who are now cracking up. If I was magic then I’d get Aria back; she’d be safe. No, there’s no such thing as magic. It’s all just smoke and mirrors and hard freaking work. My hard work will pay off if it kills me. Tali will become an agent and Aria will be back home where she belongs.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Cameron, one year later
Tali and I are sitting on my couch eating ice cream and watching a movie. Of course, she’s not watching the movie; She’s watching me slyly out of the corner of her eye not caring who the actor on the television is.
“Are you going to stare at me all night or are you going to actually watch the movie?” I deadpan, even though I love it.
“Is the first one an actual option? If it is, then I vote for that one.” I’m trying to keep a blank face but I can’t hide the twinkle in my eyes and the fact that I’m working so hard not to smile.
“Tali.”
“Yes?” she asks, full of innocence.
“When did you become so much trouble?”
“Haven’t I always been trouble?” I throw my head back and laugh at this cheeky girl.
“No, you’ve always been scared of your shadow, but then I had to go and teach you how beautiful you are and now you are nothing but a monster.”
She freezes. I know me calling her beautiful caught her off guard. Well she better get used to it because she is and I’m sick of pretending I think otherwise.
She doesn’t think at all before she acts, which is a miracle in and of itself. I’m totally thrown when she leans over and kisses me softly. Even though it was just soft and sweet, there is something there. I force myself to pull back slowly and I realize too late what a bad move that was. She looks like she wants to run for cover at being rejected, but just as quickly as that feeling comes it leaves when I don’t pull away completely. I rest my forehead on hers and sigh.