by Jaci Wheeler
“Tali.” All I can say is her name, like it pains me to do it. Even though what really pains me is stopping.
“I’m sorry,” she quickly whispers and I shake my head no, even though our foreheads are still touching,
“Never be sorry for that, Tali, not to me. I’m still your handler and I refuse to jeopardize your training, no matter how bad I want…” I trail off, not wanting to give voice to anything else when nothing can be done about it…yet. She can tell by the way I stay there breathing in her air that I want this as much as she does.
“I retake my test any day now and then you will no longer be my handler.”
“That’s correct, I won’t.”
That’s all I say because, even though I have opened up a lot to her and really transformed, I’m still Cameron and if I’m being closed off and difficult, I wouldn’t be me. She is the one to finally break the connection as she leans away and sits back.
“Well, Handler, should we work on the final then? Any last-minute tips I should know? They start grabbing people tomorrow, you know.”
“I’m well aware of that, thank you.” I know I look almost annoyed at her now for making things professional again, even though I’m the one that drew the line.
“You don’t have to look so smug, you know,” I say. Tali just smiles wide and ignore my moodiness.
“What do you think my chances are for passing this time?” I hate the insecurity that slips into her tone. I run a finger down the side of her face catching a lock of hair.
“There’s no such thing as chance, Tali. That’s up to you. This test is all up to you. If you want to pass, you pass. You put aside your insecurities, you take a beating and keep taking them, and keep willing yourself not to give up. It’s not too complicated, no matter how Edward tries to spin in.”
“So, I just have to set my mind to passing and endure?”
“That about sums it up.”
“Are you going to be there?”
I don’t answer but my shoulders drop and I sigh. Why did she have to ask me that? Because they always ask, Cam; you’ve just never fallen for one before. My silence answers her question and she’s not happy about it. Shocked would be a more fitting word.
“Are you kidding me?!” She jumps up, not being able to sit next to me any longer.
“After all this training, all the hours you put into me, an entire year, Cameron, and you aren’t even going to be there?!” Tali yells as she paces back and forth.
She doesn’t see me coming. One second I’m sitting on the couch with her pacing in front of me and the next she’s pinned against the wall with my body trapping her, holding her there.
“This, Tali, this right here is why I can’t be there. Just the idea of watching someone hurt you, break you, spout horrible filthy lies to you, you think I can sit there and watch that? I never wanted you to retake this stupid test to begin with.”
“But you’ve trained me.”
“Yes, because you asked, not because I thought it was a good idea.”
“Please, Cam, I need you there like you were for Ari.” I laugh, but it holds no humor.
“First off, and I won’t tell you again so you need to listen really close, Tali. Do you hear me? You. Are. Not. Aria.” I say each word slowly, pronounced, and right up in her face. This time she doesn’t flinch.
“What I feel for you is the opposite of what I felt for her. I can’t promise that I will be able to control myself if they hurt you. I will compromise my job and possibly your test. Is that what you want?”
“No, it’s not what I want. But I want you there, I need you there, Cam.” I blow out a breath, push off the wall, and now pace back and forth like a caged tiger.
“I can’t watch them break you!” I yell. She pushes off the wall with her foot, and grabs my hand.
“Then I won’t let them break me. Not this time.” I sigh and drop to the couch, pulling her with me. She has no clue what’s she’s asking of me.
“Aria told me you passed in an insanely short amount of time. How did you do it?” she asks, changing the subject.
“I shut down. I went to the dark place where nobody can touch me.”
“You mean you blocked them out?” she asks, clarifying.
“In a way. It was the way I used to cope as a kid. Anytime things got...physical…I would just turn off, let my mind shut down and block out everything: the pain, the memories, the feelings. Then it doesn’t hurt so much.” Tears start rolling down my face, but she ignores them.
“No, it doesn’t hurt so much then,” she says, rubbing my shoulder. “So, you just shut down and passed.”
“It’s not that simple, but yes. The point of the final is to find your breaking point. It is their job to do that and in order to do that they will break you, Tali, make no mistake. The problem they had with me was that I was already broken.”
I stand up and start turning off the movie, a clear sign I’m done talking about it. She walks over, kisses my cheek, and leaves the room. We both know I will be at the final anyway, but I won’t admit it just yet. I can’t stand back and watch another woman in my life get hurt and do nothing, it’s a vow I swore I’d never break and yet she’s asking. How can I refuse her?
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Cameron
Ever since I got the word from Edward that they are grabbing her tomorrow morning, I’ve been asking myself over and over if I can do it, if I can watch them break her and the answer is no. I can’t. I won’t do it.
At least with Ari my heart wasn’t caught up in the mix, and I know my brother will be there. Since Hayden has been training with Tali he won’t be allowed to interrogate her either. Ezra told me he also opted out of her final when they asked him. Smart man; I’d kill him if he so much as makes her cry. I pace around a few more times and I realize that this isn’t going to cut it. I need to hit someone.
“You owe me so many favors now, man, I can’t even keep them straight,” Hayden says, rubbing his eyes as he follows me out to the gym.
“You realize it’s after eleven at night, right? This is insane.”
“You want to go back? I can hit the bag,” I offer because my brother is right; he’s been there for me a lot lately. I know even before I finish asking that he won’t take me up on it though. That’s just Hayden.
“Nah, I’ll stay with you, but you can hit the bag, not me. I’m just here for moral support.”
I nod my thanks and make my way over to the bag. After about an hour of non-stop aggression, I finally stop and drop to the ground.
“You got the call?” Hayden finally asks.
“Yep.”
“When?”
“Morning was all I was told.”
“Okay, I’ll be there.” This surprises me and my head snaps up to look at my brother.
“I won’t.” I say. He nods his understanding and hands me a towel and water bottle.
“Let’s go, brother. I’m exhausted and I need to sleep. Come on, you can toss and turn on my couch just as well as you can on your bed.” God, I love this kid.
***
“Cameron, wake up. Seriously, bro, you need to get up.” I groan and swat his hand away.
“I hate you,” I hiss out.
“No, you don’t. I have coffee. Nobody hates the guy with the coffee; it’s sacrilegious or something.”
“Go away, Hayden.”
“They have her.”
That’s all I need to hear and I fly up, sending Hayden and the coffee flying.
“Ahhh!” he yells, flinging the cup away.
“Holy crap, that’s hot. Are you kidding me right now?” I rush over to him and see that he is, in fact, wearing the coffee.”
“I’m sorry, Hayd. I didn’t mean to.” He raises a hand and rips off his shirt. He has two angry red marks on his chest and I feel horrible about it. He looks down and sighs.
“That’s what I get for trying to help out family. Now look, you went and scalded the hair right off. It’s like a rev
erse Austin Powers thing I got going on. Not kosher, bro, not kosher.”
“Did they really take her?”
“Yeah, just now. Jesse is on her grab team and told me they were on their way to grab her once she got in the shower.”
I’m murderous. All I can hear is the blood rushing to my ears as I bolt out the door.
“Calm down, Cam. Seriously, you are going to pop a blood vessel. She will be okay. Jesse is a good guy; it’s just orders, you know that. They are going to take her when she’s most vulnerable and you knew that.” He’s right, I did know that but I don’t effing care.
We make our way to the viewing room in record time. Hayden says nothing else about his burns or the fact that just last night I said I wouldn’t be here. He knows me all too well and knew there was nowhere else I could be right now.
We enter the room where only Edward and Ezra are waiting for us. Edward nods hello and Ezra pats my shoulder as I take a seat between him and Hayden. I take a deep breath then finally look up into the room and my stomach falls.
Tali is sitting in nothing but a towel and drenched hair with her head held high and a scowl on her face. I can see the vulnerability and fear in her eyes but she is masking it well.
“What is he doing here?” Hayden asks, drawing my attention from Tali to the man behind her. The blood in my veins runs cold and I jump to my feet and round on Edward.
“Adam! You brought in Adam for a trainee final?” I yell at him. Adam matches Wade for size, but Wade is usually calm and in control and Adam is a wild card. He’s a sadistic jerk who plays by his own rules. They usually save Adam for training the elite team in torture, but he’s never been brought in for a final as far as I know.
“Calm down, Mr. Jensen. This is her second time taking the final, meaning she has the upper hand by already knowing what to expect. We always make the second time around more challenging,” Edward says with a smirk.
I clench my hands until my knuckles are white. I want to punch him and wipe that stupid smirk right off his smug face. Hayden can feel my rage and he comes over and puts an arm around my shoulders.
“It’s okay, brother, we are here. We will watch her the whole time. She’s got this; we trained her well, bro.” Hayden leads me back over to our chairs and we take a seat. This is pure and utter torture; I’m not sure who it’s harder on, Tali or myself.
“Hello, Tali; it’s nice to see you again,” Wade starts in and Tali doesn’t even acknowledge that he’s speaking.
“It was a nice, short visit last time, but I was hoping for some more time to get to know you this time around. I hear you have a new handler now. Cameron, is it?” Again, Tali says nothing. I look over at Hayden.
“Why isn’t she answering?”
“Calm down, just give her a minute. She was caught off guard; she’s got this, Cam.” But I can see the uncertainty in his eyes. She isn’t crying or breaking down, which is a plus, but she’s just sitting there frozen.
“I asked you a question, Tali, and I don’t like repeating myself.” When she still says nothing, he runs his hands down the scar on her shoulder. She closes her eyes but doesn’t move.
“Such a pity, to be ruined at such a young age. Can you still hear them screaming?” Tears start rolling down her checks but still she’s silent.
“I wonder if they could see how pathetic you are now if they would have made the same choice.”
And I snap! I’m up and pounding on the glass.
“I’ll kill you! Do you hear me? I’ll kill you, Wade; you are dead. Dead!” My brother and Ezra are on me, trying to pull me back, but I keep pounding on the window. It’s the first time Tali breaks her ice princess act and she looks right where I am and smiles. I know she can’t see me but it’s as if she is looking right in my eyes.
“Get yourself under control, son, or you will be banned from this room. Do you hear me?” Edward shouts.
“Come on, man, you will be no good to her in lock up. Cool your jets,” Hayden adds.
I shake them off and lean against the window. She smiled; she knows I’m here and that’s what she wanted. So why is she freezing them out? That isn’t what we discussed. Calm, cool, collected, answer their questions vaguely until you pass.
“What are you doing, Tali?” I whisper to the window.
“Why put yourself through this again, Tali? Someone like you doesn’t deserve to be an agent. You should be behind a desk where you belong.” The only indication that she heard him is the tightening of her jaw.
“Answer me or you won’t like what happens next.”
Boom. Adam is on her so quick Wade hasn’t even finished his sentence. He is choking her from behind, cutting off her air. She struggles, clawing at his arms with tears running down her face.
“Tali, answer his questions. Jesus, just answer him!” I scream as I pull on my hair. Just when I think she’s going to pass out he lets go and takes a seat like nothing happened. Even Wade looks a little uncomfortable as Tali gags and gulps in air.
“This doesn’t have to be difficult, Tali. All you have to do is answer a few questions and you are done. When did they die, Tali? How old were you?”
Nothing.
“Tali, come on. Answer him!”
“Cameron.” Hayden has his arm on my shoulder and I’m shrugging him off.
“Why isn’t she answering? He’s going to kill her in there.”
“Did you tell her?” he whispers.
“Tell her what?”
“About your final? Did you tell her how you passed?” Oh crap. Oh Lord, no, don’t tell me this is my fault.
“But why? I never told her to do this. I didn’t want this for her. Why would she do it?”
“To be close to you, Cam. To connect. Knowing Tali she is probably doing this because she wants to connect to you in a way nobody has, to experience it just like you did. I’ve never seen it before, dude, the bond you guys share. She’s showing you that you are united. I would bet money on it.” I look at him in stunned shock,
Ezra nods his head once in agreement then flinches when he looks over my shoulder into the room. I can’t even look anymore. She hasn’t said a word or made a sound, but I know she’s in pain and I just can’t watch. It goes on like this for an hour. Them asking questions, her not answering, and Adam beating the crap out of her. I finally snap.
“Edward, this is enough. She hasn’t even entered the torture test yet; this is just the psych test.”
“I say when it’s enough, Cameron, and this test is going to be harder, like I told you. You should be proud of her; she’s a different person from last time. You did that.” I shake my head. He’s so wrong; she did that.
I look up just in time to see Adam place a final blow to the head that knocks her unconscious. Edward then picks up the phone and orders a C.T. If her scans are clear, phase two will start. Jesus, can he hear himself? Does he not see how sick and twisted this whole thing is?
“Break time, dude; let’s go.” Ezra leads me out of the room once she’s taken away on a gurney. I go to the bathroom and throw up the contents of my stomach.
“This never gets any easier.”
“I know, Cam. She might not have been Ari who took everyone on and broke out, but she lasted, dude. She didn’t break once. Even Ari answered them. She’s the only one besides you that didn’t give up a thing. You should be proud of her.”
Of course I’m proud of her; it’s me I’m ashamed of. How can I keep her safe when beating a woman within an inch of their life is what we train them for?
***
“Second phase, man; she’s got this,” Ezra says as he slides next to me after the “break.” Tali has officially been cleared of a brain bleed or fracture so she is cleared to continue. What kind of world do we live in where I’m praying for a brain bleed so she can be done?
I feel even sicker than before, if that’s even possible. The setting alone is enough to turn your stomach. This room looks like a doctor’s office, stark and sterile, with just
as many tools. Too bad health has nothing to do with their uses. Ivan is sitting in his chair looking perfectly bored when the door opens and the guards bring her in.
Thank God they finally gave her some freaking clothes, but she still looks terrified. She glances over at the two-way mirror and offers a slight smile. Come on, Tali, get your head in the game. Now is no time to grow soft on me.
As if she hears me, the smile is quickly wiped off her face as she is placed in the chair next to Ivan and strapped in. She’s going for cold indifference but her eyes tell another story. They keep darting around the room and land on all the tools.
“Good afternoon, dear. And how are you doing today?” Ivan asks, like she’s been invited for afternoon tea and not a torture session. Tali stares at him, not saying a word, and I can’t help but applaud. This is the room where you need to stay silent. One false word and you fail; one slight piece of info, no matter how small, and you are done.
So, Tali, is it? I’d like this to go nice and smooth so I don’t have to mar any more of your poor skin,” he says, running his filthy hands over her cheek. She whips her head back and glares at him. Atta girl, give him hell. Ivan tisks and walks over to his “tool tray” and picks up a scalpel, watching as the light glints off the metal.
“Cameron is your handler, correct?”
Silence.
“For now, anyway, until he joins his girlfriend overseas in a month.” That lying, manipulative snake! Tali flinches and he smiles at catching her.
“Oh, please don’t tell me you’ve become that old cliché of falling for your handler. You know they do that for a reason, right? It helps form a bond, gains your trust, and lures you in,” he says, stepping closer and closer to her while inspecting his scalpel.
“Tali, what is Cameron’s last name?”