“Hi,” I murmur, trying to stay awake to enjoy this moment. I’ve wished for this since he left and now my wish has come true.
“Zoe…” Charlie sounds nervous. I feel his warm breath on my face and I move my legs closer to him so my side is completely resting next to his. “I need to tell you something important.” His hand gently touches my cheek, and without opening my eyes, I know where his lips are.
I move my head upwards and the longing I have been feeling for months ignites as we kiss. A fire builds inside me and my legs intertwine with his as he leans over me, pushing my back deep into the mattress. He grips the sides of my face with both hands and his body moves over mine fully. Suddenly, the fire inside me is an inferno. His mouth consumes my own and I move my hands under his shirt, feeling his toned stomach. His muscles tense under my touch and I move my hands along his side, refusing the temptation of tickling him, instead moving up to his shoulders, pulling his shirt as I go and exposing his skin to me further. I hold him close to me, wishing our clothes weren’t in the way at the same time that I’m also hating the fact that, amongst the passion between us, there is an underlying amount of exhaustion.
“Zoe…” He pulls away, breathing heavily as he tries to catch his breath and I do the same. I look into his eyes as he stares at me. I think I see worry in his eyes.
“What?” I ask, frowning when he rolls over onto his back, leaving me to follow him as we move back to our original position.
“I need to tell you something,” he says, nervously moving his hand through his hair. He looks up at the ceiling and I rest my head down over his chest, listening to his rapidly beating heart underneath me. I’m a bit annoyed that he stopped us, but at the same time, I’m feeling the tiredness weighing down on me and I know this moment won’t ever be what I want it to be. Not this time.
“I’m listening.” I prompt when he hesitates. I close my eyes, feeling my own heart rate slowing down.
“It’s about how Will and Rose found me. It’s about a mistake I made.”
I hear Charlie’s words, but they grow distant as I fall into a deep sleep, finally able to feel safe and unwatched for the first time in eight long months.
***
I wake when the others come back with food. Charlie is able to coax me out of bed and down to the kitchen. The fire has been going for a while now and the whole cabin is warm.
“I picked up some pajamas for you, but they only had boring ones.” Rose tosses me a pair of grey sweatpants and a long sleeved white shirt. I’m grateful to find some new underwear and socks in amongst them, too. I suddenly can’t wait to have a shower.
We all eat sandwiches for dinner. We don’t have much choice when we find that even although the stove-top functions fine, the oven isn’t working.
“I can look at it tomorrow. I know a thing or two about that stuff,” Charlie speaks between bites. Everyone seems starved, but I still haven’t gotten my appetite back. My body is tense, almost like it’s waiting for something to happen. I know that I need to eat, so I force the food down my throat and make sure I finish it all. I notice Charlie eyeing my plate and his shoulders relax when he sees it empty.
The conversation remains light, with everyone simply listening as Rose and Dean tell funny stories of what has been happening between them since they found each other. I have heard most of them already, but I smile seeing Rose laughing. She looks so much more relaxed than what she’d been at The Windmill. She was holding a lot of anger there, but now she looks happy. I do notice a few glares between Charlie and Rose, but that isn’t really anything abnormal. The hour is well past midnight when the conversation begins to wind down and we’re all exhausted. I even find myself dozing off a few times, resting my head against Charlie’s shoulder. After the third time of doing this I wake up in his arms.
It’s a shock to find myself being carried and my body jolts. I painfully grip onto his arm, my nails digging into his shirt.
“It’s okay, I’m just taking you to bed,” Charlie soothes and I try to relax. I feel like a burden for him and silly that he didn’t just wake me up to walk back to our room.
He carries me over to the bed and leans us down over the bed, placing me in the middle gently. It feels good to be in his arms, to be close to him. I breathe in his familiar scent and it sends my heartbeat racing. He begins to pull back from me, his arms leaving me and I panic. I don’t want him to go. I don’t want to lose the security I feel being in his arms. So I quickly reach out and grab hold of his arms, pulling them back around me. I look into his eyes and his intense brown eyes stare back at me. I see the question being asked in his eyes, and I am already giving him back my answer.
I curve my chin so my lips align with his and he meets me, crushing his lips to mine. Hot passion flares to life inside me, making me feel alive. My heart pounds heavily against my ribs and everything is magnified; the cool air caressing my skin, the taste of Charlie in my mouth, the way my clothes brush against me. My entire body becomes oversensitive and it is too much, and yet, it’s not enough.
He leans down further over me so our lower bodies are pressed against each other and my legs immediately move around him, needing him to be closer. Our lips break apart, our breathing sounding harsh in the silent room. We don’t say a word as I pull at his shirt and his fingers move to undo the buttons of mine. I move his shirt from his pants and trace my fingers along the hem of his jeans, loving the goose-bumps that arise from my touch.
“I’ve missed you so much,” I whisper, shivering in excitement when he rips the last two buttons to get the shirt off me. We sit up and I move my arms back so he can remove my shirt completely from me. I quickly finish pulling his shirt up and he moves his arms up to finish it off.
The feel of his naked chest touching mine is pure ecstasy. My skin is on fire and I squeeze my legs around him tighter, eliciting a groan from him. His hands move over my breasts, my bra restricting his hands from making direct contact with them. I lean into his hands, needing to feel him more than I’m sure I’ve ever needed anything in my life. Right now, oxygen feels like an afterthought. My body needs Charlie and everything else can wait.
His lips attack my neck and his hands move over my shoulders, taking my bra straps with them as he pushes them down.
I groan something, maybe his name, maybe I’m simply making random noises. I have no idea because this feels too good. My body is moving on instinct. I know this is my dream coming true, the one I had at The Windmill. This is the dream where things between Charlie and me change. We go to the next level together and I am so unbelievably ready for this.
I slide my hands between our crushed bodies and feel the hemline of his jeans. I grip hold of the button and undo it, yet when I slide the zipper down, his lips leave my neck and he moves back from me.
“Zoe, wait.”
He leans me back down on the bed and his hands gently pull my legs away from him. Suddenly he is standing next to the bed and taking another step back before I even fully realize he’s left me. Coldness instantly zaps through my body and I shiver, but it’s not for the reasons I wish I was shivering. He stares at me carefully, and I notice for the first time his nerves and also his guilt. I don’t know what is happening, however something keeps me on that bed. A feeling emerges that I need to keep my distance from him. I’ve never had an instinct warning me to keep my distance from Charlie.
“What is it?” I’m breathless. I quickly pull the straps of my bra back over my shoulders. I glance around for my shirt, but I don’t know what he did with it after he got it off me.
“I have to tell you something. It’s important.” His eyes glance down at the ground and his hands move nervously through his hair.
I nod, even though he can’t see it since he’s avoiding looking at me. I feel exposed sitting on the bed in my bra, so I lean over to where I left my hoodie earlier, and quickly place it on.
Finally he works the nerve up to say whatever it is he is going to tell me, and his eyes lock back
onto mine as his arms drop limply by his sides. “Look, I don’t want you to freak out on me. Just let me explain, okay?” He sits down on the edge of the bed, still facing me with his eyes locked onto mine.
I bring my legs up to my chest and hug them. Already dread is filling me and there is no trace left of the excitement that was overriding everything in my body just moments before. I nod that I understand when I don’t think I can trust my voice to speak.
“First, let me say how much I missed you. I hated knowing where you were because it was so hard not to just leave and go to you. I felt so alone and lost, and I know that isn’t an excuse, but a year just felt forever away.” Charlie looks away then and I feel more pain at his words. Charlie has felt the same way I have, except his was worse because he had to control himself and not come find me. I know I wouldn’t have been strong enough to do that.
“It’s good that you didn’t break our promise and come earlier. With Joel being tracked, you would have been taken again. No doubt, I’d have never known you came looking for me,” I whisper, my voice sounding strained not only from the fear of what could have happened to him, but because I don’t understand where this conversation is heading.
“Doing the right thing got harder every day, staying away became more difficult, so I just started drinking a lot. I was drinking so much that I couldn’t drive home to Houston, or drive to you. I drank so I’d be too drunk for anyone to sell me a bus ticket. It simply made it easier to do the right thing except I screwed up.” Guilt crosses his face and his hands scrunch into fists.
“How?” I envision him calling his dad. Had he compromised his position? Even if he had, it doesn’t matter, he is no longer there.
“I want you to know I never wanted to hurt you. I hate myself for what I did.”
His words chill me. I wait for what feels like hours in silence, anticipating for him to continue, but he appears frozen. His eyes search my face. I don’t know what he sees, however my nerves are eating away at me and I’m not understanding what he is trying to confess to me.
“Just say whatever it is you’re trying to tell me, please?”
“When Rose and Will found me I wasn’t alone,” he blurts quickly.
“Meaning?” I choke out.
He takes a deep breath and looks away from me before, I can tell, he forces himself to look me in the eye again. “I had a one-night stand. At least,I assume I did. I can’t actually remember what happened. All I know is that I woke up naked next to Heather—”
“Heather?” Don’t one-night stands not usually have names? At least, not any you know or remember?
“She was a friend I made. Trust me, I didn’t mean for anything to happen. I’m so sorry.”
I try to process what Charlie is saying, but can’t. I’m feeling so many things right now, stupidity and betrayal vying for first place. Is it silly of me to feel this way? Should I have expected him to meet someone else? Is this something I’m allowed to feel upset over?
“Zoe?” Charlie is watching me closely. I try to close off any emotions that are exposed over my face. I don’t know what to feel and I don’t want him to see how torn up I am.
“Do you care about her?”
“No! I mean, I do, but not like that. Not like I care about you. Heather was never anything more than a friend to me. I made a mistake.”
I try to take in his words. What am I supposed to do here? This isn’t how this is meant to be going. I never thought my future dream would take this turn. Right now, I assumed Charlie and I would be making love. Instead, he’s telling me that he slept with another woman while we were separated.
“I’m so sorry. I care about you a lot. I’ve thought of you so much since we parted. I’ve never felt this way about someone before, and I understand if you can’t forgive me, but please know that I am so sorry.”
My arms shake as I grip onto my legs hard, trying to stop it. I realize, though, that it’s not just my arms shaking. My entire body is shaking. Emotions bombard me and I try to grab hold of one because numbness is taking over and I can’t process this situation if I’m numb.
“I need to shower.” I quickly stand up from the bed, my head spinning slightly from the sudden altitude shift.
“That’s it?” He sounds surprised.
I don’t know how to answer that, either. I suddenly feel completely inadequate to answer anything. He might as well have asked me what the meaning of life is.
I nod yes as I grab the pajamas Rose brought me, taking them into the small bathroom and closing the door. This room is as dusty as every other room has been. When I turn the taps on they all groan loudly. The water pressure is practically non-existent and the water only lukewarm.
I try to process what I’m feeling in the privacy behind this closed door. On one hand, I feel betrayed; not once have I even considered looking at someone else. On the other hand, I have these strong feelings for Charlie that need no work. They’re simply there. Another thing is that I had dreamt of our reunion, which ended very differently than I thought. I kept seeing this moment over and over, and it got me through a lot of doubt. Even though I told Charlie about it, he didn’t have any proof other than my words. He didn’t have any visions to hold onto.
Should I even worry about it? Should I feel betrayed when it’s something he even said he doesn’t remember? That it has taken him getting completely drunk to cheat on me. Is it even cheating? We didn’t exactly do the boyfriend, girlfriend talk. We didn’t talk about if this was an open relationship or even a relationship at all. It was insinuated though, wasn’t it? We had something special going on back at The Windmill. It was strong enough to break through my grief for Dana. It was strong enough for us to make a connection with each other. Did he not feel that same way? Was it all in my head?
I get out of the shower, shivering from the now cold water, and have to shake out the towel hanging on the rack before I can use it. I dry myself and then I move the towel roughly over my skin, trying to erase Charlie’s touch. Even now I can still feel his lips on my neck, his hands over my breasts, and his chest against mine. I can still smell his scent and I hate that I still want him.
I put on the fresh clothes and take several deep breaths. I haven’t come any closer to making a decision. I don’t know that I’m ready to face Charlie again, not yet. I’d stay in this bathroom if the dust in the air wasn’t making it hard to breathe. I hope that he has gone to sleep so I can avoid having to talk to him. I know tomorrow I won’t be able to do that, but right now I just need to sleep on this.
Unfortunately, when I step out of the bathroom, Charlie is still sitting in the exact same spot on the bed. It doesn’t look like he’s moved an inch.
“Zoe?” He sounds uncertain. I wonder what he expects. Tears? A tantrum? A fight?
“I’m tired.” I’m not sure how I feel about sharing a bed right now, since being that close to him will surely torture me, yet with no other rooms spare, we don’t have a lot of choice.
“You don’t want to talk about what I told you? You don’t have any questions?” Charlie stands up and touches my arm lightly, but I quickly brush past him and out of reach.
“Not now.” I leave the clothes I’d been wearing previously by my side of the bed and crawl under the covers. I stay on the edge of the mattress and decide if I can’t manage it, then I’ll pretend to sleep to avoid having this discussion right now.
“Are you sure?” Charlie still has his shirt off and I turn my head further into the pillow so I can’t see him, squeezing my eyes shut. I can’t risk looking at him right now; I don’t want to cry.
“Yes. Goodnight.” I take several deep breaths, hoping that I might actually be able to get some sleep. A new tiredness is weighing down on me now. I almost wish I could slip into a coma and wake up when this whole P.A.G.E. situation is over. I want to go home, to be in my own bed and not be chased. I want to see Dana alive and happy, to go back in time and have none of this happen.
I hear the bathroom door close
moments later and eventually the same noises come through from the pipes. Charlie is showering. I try to sort through my thoughts while I’m alone, but before I know it, the water is off and he’s coming out of the bathroom. I keep my eyes firmly closed, ignoring the smell of soap and Charlie’s strong scent. My body is craving him and all I want is to roll into his arms and sob.
I haven’t felt safe once since I parted from him and I want so much to be able to relax. I want the deep sleep I fell into earlier merely from being in his arms. Instead, I stay motionless and feel his arm brush against my back as he climbs under the covers. I stop breathing, wondering what he is going to do, and then I feel his hand reaching out for mine. He grips it for only a moment before I pull my hand away. His touch sends waves of shock up my arm and over my body.
“I’m sorry.” Charlie tenses up behind me and even though I’m not looking at him, I can picture the look of hurt covering his face. It’s enough to break my heart all over again.
I don’t answer him. I stay awake the whole night, knowing he is awake next to me. Not once does either of us move an inch and my brain refuses to take a break from the circling thoughts.
Am I surprised Charlie found someone else? I’m not anything special. I’m not strong, pretty or even all that happy. I’m messed up. I’m still trying to deal with losing Dana and I’m not sure if I’m ever going to be all right. I’m not even positive if I have it in me to be angry at Charlie. My emotions are already so stretched right now, and I can’t trust my thoughts on such a small amount of rest.
The one thing I have been able to count on is knowing I’ve had Charlie. Now I realize it was stupid of me to assume that. What we had was intense and deep, but it hadn’t gotten the chance to last long before we had to separate. Did I read too much into what we shared? Is this a situation where we should just start from scratch? Forget The Windmill and forget these past eight months? It’s not a good sign to have to be worrying already about our future.
Taken By Force (Taken Trilogy Book 2) Page 15