by Aj Harmon
Mark grinned.
“That’s right,” she continued. “None!” she laughed. “Enjoy the beach.” She watched as they left the house, hand in hand, and walked down to the hard sand by the water and stretched before taking off at a leisurely pace.
She’d phoned Katy many times after her move to Wisconsin to live with her grandmother. Katy had been the one who’d understood what she was feeling and had let her talk with never a judgment, only love and support in return. Without Katy, Shelby didn’t want to think about what her life might have been like. Katy, and Mark, had loved her unconditionally and had been there for her every moment of her life since that day when she landed in Katy’s Emergency Room back in Portland, twelve long years ago. They’d become the parents she’d never had. They had become her family. The whole Lathem clan was her family and she loved them all.
She would wait for Katy to return. Once again, she needed to talk and she knew that Katy would gladly listen.
21.
Clarity
Tyler said goodbye to his parents and grandparents and loaded his suitcase into the trunk of the Jeep and climbed into the passenger’s seat, with Adam behind the wheel. His vacation was over. A pressing business matter had him returning to New York a few days early and Adam had offered to drive him to the airport. As the car drove away, Peter and Maureen returned to the house and Matt and Janie, along with Ella and Christopher, headed to the beach. Shelby sat by the pool, waiting for a glimpse of Katy and Mark returning from their morning run.
She watched their tiny figures get bigger and bigger as they got closer and closer to the house. They stopped a couple of hundred yards away and stretched their warm and tired muscles, then walked hand in hand towards the house, stopping just beyond the trail, under a palm tree. Mark leaned his back against the trunk and pulled Katy into his arms and kissed her…thoroughly. He held her head gently in his hands and Katy pressed her body against his. Shelby wondered if she should look away, but couldn’t seem to tear her gaze from the lovers. It was clear to anyone who’d seen them that they had eyes only for each another, that their hearts and souls were eternally joined. Love could be a beautiful thing. Mark and Katy were absolute proof of that.
A lone tear escaped Shelby’s eye. Wiping it away quickly, she wrestled with her raging emotions and the desire to know what it felt like to be passionately loved. The words from the movie the night before, to love and to be loved in return, swirled through her mind. A desperate longing swelled inside her as she watched the kiss finally come to an end, Mark and Katy with a special smile for the other and then taking her once again by the hand, Mark leading her to the gate and up the trail to the house.
“When you have some spare time, could I talk to you?” Shelby asked as they walked to the house.
“Of course,” Katy smiled. “Why don’t you give me an hour? I’ll shower and then let’s go into town and have lunch…just the two of us.”
“Sounds great,” Shelby nodded. “Thanks.”
“Can I come?” Mark asked.
“No!” Katy laughed. “Girl time!”
Shelby chuckled as Mark pretended to pout, Katy slapping him playfully on the arm.
“I’ll meet you down here. One hour,” Katy smiled as she entered the house.
*****
“Iced tea, please,” Katy asked the waitress.
“I’ll just have water with lemon, please,” smiled Shelby.
“So,” Katy asked, “I’m assuming this has to do with Adam?”
Shelby’s eyes almost popped out of her head. “How…why…but I never…”
“Aw, honey,” Katy interrupted. “Just tell me.”
“You never like the small talk, do you? Right to the point.”
“It saves so much time. Plus, I hate all the bullshit,” she grinned.
“He told me was in love in me,” Shelby blurted it out.
“Of course he is!”
“Why do you say that? How on earth would you know that?” Shelby asked, perplexed by the quick response.
“I’ve seen the way he looks at you…and I’ve seen the way you are with him. This is no great revelation.”
“Really?”
“Really,” Katy nodded.
“So then what do I do?”
Katy chuckled. “What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know,” Shelby admitted.
“Yes, you do.”
Looking up at the waitress as she delivered their drinks, Shelby took the quiet moment to take a breath. Could she really admit to Katy, and to herself, what she really, really wanted?
Katy could almost read her thoughts. “Honey, I know what you had to do to survive all those years ago and you were totally justified in cutting yourself off from men, at keeping them all at a safe distance. And you have given yourself time to heal and to mature and to get your life together and work hard to start your career. I would never tell you that your choices were wrong. Nobody would! You are amazing! You’re my hero! I look at you and am reminded at the strength of the human spirit. You haven’t let your past define your future, well, until this very moment. What you do today will determine how you choose to spend the rest of your life. Do you allow love into your life, or will you remain alone?”
Shelby took a deep breath but didn’t speak.
“There are lots of people who are perfectly content to be alone, and I’m not going to judge their choices. But I know you, Shelby, and I see how you are when you’re with Adam. Your whole being lights up, your eyes reflect the happiness you feel inside. I don’t know if you’re consciously aware of it, but you do. It has a name.”
“I’m in love with him,” Shelby whispered.
Katy smiled, knowing how much Shelby risked by admitting her feelings. “Yes, you are, and have been for quite some time. The question is, will you let it guide you now, or will you bury it deep and never realize the true joy a healthy relationship?”
The waitress returned for their orders, giving Shelby time to digest the words of the woman she loved like a mother.
As though, once again, reading her thoughts, Katy, after placing her order, reached across the table and took Shelby’s hand in hers. “I know I’m not your mother, but I love you like a daughter, and I only want to see you gloriously happy. You deserve to be.”
With everything in her mind coming together like a puzzle, piece by piece being linked to form the picture she’d long ago accepted she’d never have, Shelby was surprised to see that she had, in fact, had all along the things she’d been denied as a child – a mother, a father, and a family.
For the second time that day, another tear escaped and ran down her cheek.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” Katy’s concern obvious in her voice.
Shelby shook her head, unable to speak for a moment. When she finally formed the words, her voice cracked as she sputtered, “I love you like a mother. You’ve been my mother for all these years and…and you are my mother.”
Jumping from her chair, Katy ran around the table and embraced Shelby, holding her tightly in her arms and letting her cry ‘til she was able to compose herself. Diners at nearby tables stared and whispered, but the two women were oblivious to it all, only focusing on the moment, on the bond they shared and were just now realizing how strong and permanent it really was.
“You don’t need to deny yourself anything, Shelby. You can have whatever you want. Just reach for it and take it.”
“It sounds so easy,” Shelby sniffed.
Katy chuckled. “That’s deceiving. It actually isn’t easy at all! It takes a great deal of courage to take control of your life and future. And if I know anything it’s that you are one of the most courageous people I have ever met. But I’m here for you…Mark, too. We love you and want to see you happy.”
“I know,” Shelby nodded.
“You’re the one who has to decide how to live your life and if you want to share it with someone special.”
“He is someone special. I realize now
that he’s been by my side for all these years and I just took it for granted, not appreciating him at all.”
“No,” Katy said. “You’ve appreciated everything about him. You’ve just been too scared to see that there is a future for you with him. He is a good man, honey. I’ve known Adam since the day he was born. I watched him take his first steps and I was there when he graduated from college. He is the kind of man I would want my daughter to fall in love with. He is the kind of man I would trust my daughter with.”
“I’m just not sure that…that I know how to…to be in love.”
“Yes you do. And if you really are unsure? Let Adam guide you.”
Salads were delivered and glasses refilled. The conversation switched, gradually, to Shelby’s residency and the exciting opportunities that awaited her at Mount Sinai Hospital, until the plates were cleared and the check was paid. The drive home was peaceful and Shelby gathered her thoughts, deciding what her next step should be. Could she just reach for it? Was that all there was to it?
*****
There were just two more days ‘til the Lathems left the beautiful island of Grand Bahama and fly back to the concrete jungle that was New York City. There seemed to be a cloud hanging over the adults, knowing that the peaceful relaxation time was coming to an end, that reality was waiting for them back at home. The children, however, were oblivious and wanted to play in the pool, so the majority of the family were outside on the patio when Shelby and Katy arrived home.
“Good lunch?” Mark asked as he stood to welcome his wife home with a kiss.
“Yes,” Shelby smiled. “A good lunch.”
“I’ll go get changed,” Katy said. “Then we can swim.” The two women headed inside and up to their rooms.
Adam watched Shelby. There was something different about her…something he couldn’t put his finger on, but different nevertheless. He anxiously awaited her return. Which turned out to be almost half an hour. Katy was down and in the pool playing with her nieces and nephews in ten, but Shelby made him wait.
And it was worth it. She exited the house wearing the new bikini she’d found in Freeport, along with a sarong in the same coral shades made of silk and tied low on her hips. Adam almost swallowed his tongue.
“Look at you!” Paul grinned. “Damn!”
“You make those Victoria Secret models look like chubby, dumpy trolls,” Sophia said.
“I don’t think so,” Shelby blushed.
“Uh, yeah, you do,” Beth added.
“You need one of those,” Tim said to Beth, nodding at Shelby’s swim suit.
“I’ll be able to wear it for the next two weeks, and then…well, then I’ll look like Shamu.”
“A beautiful Shamu, though,” Tim grinned.
Shelby dropped her towel on the empty chair next to Janie and sat down, slipping of her flip flops and lounging back in the sun. Janie was watching Adam, and his reaction to the skimpy bits of triangle shaped fabric that covered a very small portion of Shelby’s hourglass shape. It appeared he’d forgotten how to breathe.
“Adam,” she called, snapping him out of the trance he was in. “Would you please get some bottles of water from the fridge?”
“Uh, sure,” he nodded. He stood and walked to the glass doors of the house, not taking his eyes of her until he was inside.
The rest of the afternoon passed pleasantly enjoying the pool and the sun and spending time together as family. When Cynthia announced fresh baked cookies and milkshakes were available in the kitchen, the party broke up quickly, leaving an empty chair next to Shelby that Adam wasted no time in claiming.
“I’d like to ask you on an official second date,” he smiled. “How about this evening?”
She didn’t even have to ponder the question. “I’d like that.”
*****
“We’ve always been able to talk honestly, right?” Shelby asked as the hostess seated them at their table.
Adam nodded. “Yes, that’s one of the many things I like about you.”
“Well, then this dinner may not be what you had planned, but I think there’s some things we…I need to talk about...to say out loud…to you.”
“We can talk about whatever you want. And all I had planned was you and I being together. However you decide we do that is fine with me,” he winked.
Earlier, as she was showering and getting ready for their date, Shelby had decided that she needed to lay her cards out on the table, to leave nothing unsaid. If, and it was a big if, they stood a chance at having a relationship, he would need to understand what she was feeling and why. She only hoped it didn’t scare him away. That realization had shocked her…hoping that there was indeed a future for them together. And once she had accepted it as truth, she was hopeful that her emotional wounds had finally healed, allowing her to move on and find a peace her life had been missing…that part that would make her feel whole.
“Good,” she smiled. “I hope you still think that at the end of the evening.”
Adam chuckled. “There’s nothing that you can say to me that will scare me away, or shock me enough to retract any declaration of love for you.”
After ordering, Shelby took a deep breath, clasped her hands in her lap and looked up at Adam who was studying her, his head slightly tilted.
“Just tell me what you need to say,” he encouraged.
“Okay,” she nodded. “You know that my childhood was…was less than idyllic. I was pretty much left to fend for myself for as long as I can remember, at least the memories I haven’t blocked out,” she added. “The only normalcy I had was when I was at school. That may be one reason I value education. I don’t know, but I do now that home was hell.”
“I know,” Adam said. “I can’t even imagine.”
“I watch Ella cooking with her mom or with Cynthia and I’m reminded that I never did that. I rarely had cooked meals…only at school. And sitting on the floor playing board games? Never. Although I remember having a deck of cards and playing with them like dolls. There was a mommy and a daddy and I remember sitting playing with them for hours. But not quite the same as Legos, or Candy Land, is it?”
“I’m sorry,” Adam said as his heart broke for her.
“It’s all in the past,” she shrugged.
“Is it? Really?”
“The physical scars have healed,” she continued, unconsciously laying her hand over her tummy, the scar covered by her skirt. “But the emotional ones? Well, I wondered if I would ever be normal.”
Adam shook his head. “You are normal and…”
“No, it’s okay,” Shelby interrupted. “I’m not. How could I be? But I’ve come to terms with that and I’m okay with it. Anyway, normal is overrated,” she smiled. “But for all these years I’ve told myself that I can’t have a normal, healthy relationship because I wouldn’t even know how to have one…what it even looks like. But I realized today that that was just a lie I told myself to keep others at a safe distance. I have beautiful examples of what a healthy relationship looks like. I have Mark and Katy, and Matt and your mom, and Peter and Maureen, and all the other marriages in this family. I see you and your mom’s relationship and Katy and Derek’s and it finally clicked for me today that I have that with Katy and Mark. For almost half my life they have been the parental figures that have loved me unconditionally and I love them right back. I said I didn’t have a maternal role model. I’ve told myself that over and over again and that’s a lie. A big fat lie. I do! I have my grandmother. I have Katy. I have Janie and Maureen. I have so many of them that I didn’t even recognize what was right in front of me.”
“So, what are you saying?”
“That while I have no clue what the future holds for me, I shouldn’t rule out anything. I don’t want to limit my opportunities because I’m afraid. I don’t want to lose out on love because I didn’t think I deserved it.”
“Oh, Shelby! You deserve everything in this world that’s good and beautiful because you are good and beautiful. I love you
…with all that I am.”
“I know,” she smiled. “And I am extremely grateful.”
“Grateful?” Adam didn’t like the sound of that…or the “but” he heard in her voice.
“Yes, grateful. Without you telling me that you loved me, I wouldn’t have taken this emotional journey the past couple of days and realized, with a clarity I’m not sure I even appreciate, how I truly feel. And for that, I am grateful.”
He attempted a smile, but failed. The waitress delivered their entrees and they both picked up a knife and fork, Adam pausing to say, “But?”
“But what?”
“You’re grateful, but,” he said.
“There is no but,” she smiled. “I love you, too.”
*****
Adam ate quickly and asked for the check, leaving Shelby to either leave what was still on her plate uneaten or ask for a box. She decided to just leave it.
They drove home, the windows down, allowing the cool sea breeze to swirl through their hair. Adam reached for her hand placed gently in her lap and squeezed it, not wanting to ruin the moment with a trite expression that he knew would just sound cheesy. Instead, he kept his eyes on the road and drove them home safely.
Once the car was locked in the garage, Adam led her by the hand past the house to the water. The sun was setting behind them and the beach was deserted. “Let’s walk,” he whispered.
Leaving their shoes at the gate, they wandered barefoot over the soft sand, fingers entwined, listening to the sea gently lapping at their feet.
“I wish I could eloquently state what I’m feeling right now,” he admitted. “But I can’t find words to describe it.”
“Gregory likes to build forts in the sand,” Shelby said. “He spends hours making walls and motes and tunnels and then, after all the work has been done, he crushes them with buckets of water. I kind of feel like that fort right now.”
“And that’s a good thing?”
“A very good thing,” Shelby smiled. “I’ve spent all of my life building these impenetrable walls to protect myself from the things I want most, because I’m afraid. And you came in with buckets of water and blew them to smithereens. I feel free! For the first time I can remember, I feel free.”