Low Down & Dirty

by Addison Moore

  “Congratulations.” Levi takes in a never-ending breath, and for a moment I’m afraid he might actually blow up. “Where’s the little lady of the hour?”

  “Bleh.” Meredith makes a face like she might vomit. “She cried nonstop, so I had the nurses take her back to the baby farm.” She chortles at her own stale joke.

  Bonnie cringes as if it offended her, and it should. It’s her granddaughter the woman is trying to rid herself of. If her attitude is an indication of what her maternal nature is like, then this child might be better off on any kind of farm far, far away from the woman who bore her.

  “Chip went with the nurse to bring her back.” She wrinkles her nose at the two of us, and a silence clots up the room while the three of them play ping-pong with their eyeballs.

  A small knock erupts at the door just as an acrylic bassinet is wheeled through the door.

  “Here she is!” A man bursts in right along with it wearing the exact same sexy face as Levi, and my stomach drops through the floor. He smiles over at us, and his features quickly morph into something just this side of shock. “And here you are.” He looks to Levi with apprehension, as if unsure if he’s about to get handed a cigar or a fist to the jaw—perhaps both. “Levi.” He stops cold with the bassinet between us like a shield.

  Levi takes a step in. “Chip.”

  It’s only then I figure out that indeed I’m seeing double.

  Oh, my ever-loving shit! They’re twins! And seemingly identical at that. So not fair.

  Wait a doubling-loving minute! What if Meredith here thought she was indeed sleeping with her husband when she accidentally—most likely on purpose—let his twin’s big dick fall into that cave at the base of her legs? God knows the Masterson clan is fifty shades of fucked up.

  Chip, the Levi lookalike, leans in my way. “Who’s this?” A lewd smile glides up one cheek as if it were me he was looking to impregnate next. It’s not like he’s above sidestepping his brother—as evidenced by the burrito with a tiny peach face. And, oh my God, she’s so darn cute! Okay, so there might be far worse things than having Levi’s hot twin impregnate me on the fly. Wow. I’m breathless at the beauty this tiny being exudes, and for a fleeting moment I consider taking Chip into the nearest hallway and getting my own baby show on the road.

  I blink back to life and extend a hand his way. “Evie Slater.” He gives a firm shake, and I scowl at him without meaning to because I suddenly remember whose side I’m on. “I’m Levi’s plus one. Congratulations on the baby. She sure is cute. What’s her name?”

  Bonnie claps up a storm. “That’s the million-dollar question! Chip and Meredith were just about to share the big news.” She bops over and plucks the tiny tot out of her acrylic confinement. She’s small as a kitten, and the scent of fresh washed linen and all things baby wafts on by along with her. I swear on all that is holy, my ovaries just screamed for a swollen vagina of my own.

  Chip comes in close and examines me with those eyes veiled in sadness as if he felt sorry for me—or Levi, I can’t tell which.

  “How long has this been going on?” He flicks a finger my way while referencing me as an inanimate object.

  “I guess he likes them young.” Meredith pipes up as if anyone cared about her two-timing, vag-bleeding opinion.

  Levi wraps his arms around me from behind and warms my entire body with his as if we were a genuine couple. And for a fleeting moment something deep down inside of me says we could be. Who am I kidding? That something deep inside me is my clitoris, which happens to be trembling like mad at the moment due to the fact there’s a quasi-sexual prospect on the table.

  Levi clears his throat. “This is a woman, and she has a name—Evie,” he says it hesitantly. “I don’t think it’s anyone’s business how long this or anything in my life has been going on.”

  Chip grimaces a moment. “Fair enough.”

  “Congratulations on the baby.” Levi gives my hips a squeeze as if it were me he was congratulating, and just like that, my ovaries blow up on command.

  My face heats like an oven as I burrow up against him. Of all the places I’ve imagined getting my groove on, a maternity ward with the dude’s ex, brother, and mother looking on were nowhere near the raunchy list. I let out a slight moan without meaning to, and all three sets of eyes that are trained on us pop wide open.

  I straighten and try my best to catch my breath. Crap. It’s not my fault all the free radical pheromones shooting around this place have put me in a baby making mood. I always suspected my children would love their Auntie Raven, but this takes Auntie Raven to a whole other level.

  Levi pulls me in close once again, his heated chest covering my back. “She’s beautiful.” He lays his head to rest on my shoulder as he peers over at the tiny pink bundle, and there’s something alarmingly normal about this moment. Something about this act, this comfortable hold he has on me feels all too real, like it’s not an act at all. It probably has something to do with the fact Raven’s face is in this room in triplicate, and God knows Raven has always felt like family.

  Meredith looks sheepishly to Chip as he comes around to her side. Bonnie lays the baby between them, and I can feel Levi go rigid behind me.

  “There,” Bonnie sings. “A perfect little family.”

  Meredith shoots a quiet look to Levi, and Chip does the same.

  I don’t see anything perfect about this. And judging by the fact Levi stopped breathing altogether, neither does he.

  He sighs hard over my shoulder as if proving me wrong. “So, what’s my little niece’s name?” His voice comes out sad and drawn out, and my heart breaks for him.

  Chip looks to his ho, then to his mother, and finally to Levi. “Her name is Maxwell Masterson.”

  A gasp comes from his mother, and I can feel Levi drawing in a nice long breath himself.

  Maxwell. That doesn’t sound very feminine, but I’ll be the first to admit it’s adorable. Just think of all the cute little nicknames that can go along with it? Maxine, Maxie, Max. Face it, she’s going to be a doll. If that were my niece, I’d run out right this minute and buy her every pink frilly dress I could get my hands on. And then it hits me. Raven just became an official aunt today, and tears come to my eyes.

  “Where did you get the name?” There. I put an end to the deafening silence myself. “I absolutely love it.”

  Levi pulls me in close as if he needed me to ground him. “It was my father’s name. It was something I thought I would name my own little girl someday.”

  My mouth falls open as I look to Meredith and Chip in horror.

  They might be new parents, but something tells me they’re old monsters.

  I twist in Levi’s arms and take in that harrowing look of sadness etched over his perfect features.

  And I do the very thing I figure Raven would do.

  I wrap my arms around this beautiful man and hold him.

  Levi

  Maxwell Masterson.

  A part of me begs to cry rivers at the sound of my father’s name. The other part of me demands to spit nails at the two holding that little angel. Meredith knew. She knew that was the name we picked out for our child, no matter if it were a boy or a girl. It was a done deal, sealed forever just like my father’s casket. The nightmare that ensued last year plays back in my mind as if calling me out on the lie, and I push the thought right back out.

  I force myself to take a breath, and my chest expands over Low’s sweet body, her tits pressed tight up against me, soft as cushions. As soon as I saw her in this tight red dress, I knew the hospital was the last place I wanted to take her—especially with this crew around. I sure as hell didn’t want to take her to the bar and parade her around Axel and Brody. Nope. A selfish part of me wanted to take her somewhere quiet, someplace where we could be alone. Alone has been my favorite place to be as of late, so it doesn’t surprise me.

  “Maxwell.” I pull back, and my lids open lazily to find Low’s gaze already pinned to mine. Low has gorgeous, ove
rsized, almond-shaped eyes, green on the outside with hazel feathers creating a whirlpool of shadow in the center. They’re complex, just like her. “That’s a beautiful name.” And I deeply regret with everything in me that I blurted out the fact it was something I would have loved to have named my own child.

  “Is that true?” Chip cuts a dark glance to Meredith. “Did you plan to use that name with Levi?”

  Meredith’s cheeks light up, uneven and blotchy. That’s the thing about Mer. Whenever she blushes, it looks as if she took a fresh slap to the face. “I don’t know. Anyway, I’m pretty sure I thought of it. I always did have to do everything on my own.” She clips out those last words like the barb they were meant to be.

  The shrill cry of a phone disrupts the silence, and the baby begins to squirm.

  “Oh!” Mom jumps and begins digging in her purse. “Damn thing is never around when you need it.”

  “Hurry the hell up,” Mer barks. “You’ll wake her up, and it’ll be babygeddon all over again.” She grunts my way. “She didn’t sleep a wink last night, so you’ll have to excuse me if I’m a little cranky.” She glares at both Low and me. A part of me wants to laugh at the irony. Mer herself came out of the womb cranky and hasn’t let up yet.

  “She just got here.” I’m shockingly quick to defend my new little niece. “She wanted to check the place out.”

  “Aha!” Mom lifts her phone in the air, only to have it jump from her grasp like a slippery fish. “It’s Raven! She’s trying to do that fancy face thing,” she trills, and Low hitches a breath as if she’s about to have her identity unmasked.

  “You know”—she lifts a cherry red fingernail in the air—“I think I’m going to jump in the hall and find the little girls’ room.” Low gives a gentle scratch to my cheek before pinching them together. “Don’t you leave me, Boobear!” She bites down on her lips as if holding back a laugh.

  “All right, Peaches.” I pull her in for a quick embrace.

  “Peaches?” she mouths, perplexed by the name.

  I bury my lips near her ear and whisper, “It was that or Waffles.” True story. Ever since Low walked into my life, she’s held the scent of that sweet summer fruit, but at the moment I’m craving to take a bite out of her, and the last time I craved something this bad was waffles.

  “Waffles,” she huffs to herself as she speeds out the door.

  Mom and Raven are busy chatting it up while facetiming with Meredith, so Chip takes a moment and steps my way.

  His arms are folded tight against his chest, and his chin is tucked down, eyes looking up at me from under his brows, all of which signify the fact he’s pissed.

  “What’s chewing on your balls?” I fold my arms in a mirrored response that was far more instinctual than it ever was intentional.

  “What’s with the girl?” He glances at the empty doorway, and I take a step back.

  “Why? You need a spare?” A dull laugh bumps through me. It’s the first time I’ve spoken to my brother in months, and it’s about a girl—not my wife, not the daughter he just had with my wife, but Low.

  “Dude.” He bows his head a moment and pinches his eyes shut. “No, I don’t need a spare.” He looks over at me, the whites of his eyes lost in crimson tracks. “I was just asking. It looked pretty serious.”

  “It is pretty serious. And she’s pretty hot. She’s also nice, and kind, and caring.” I hope. “Anything else?”

  “Yes.” He shoots a quick glance over his shoulder at the melee still unfolding between Mom and Meredith, and, of course, Raven who is screaming her lungs out at how adorable her new little niece is, and she’s right. The sound of my sister’s voice is like a melody sweeping through the room. I miss her.

  Chip steps in so close I can feel the anxiety radiating off him like a summer sidewalk. “I’m sorry.”

  And just like that, it feels as if the floor dropped out from underneath me. In truth, I had envisioned my brother apologizing to me in far more creative ways—for one, with my shoe jammed down his throat. But here in the very room where his—my wife gave birth to his first child feels a bit cheap, maybe even like a cop-out.

  Raven’s voice cuts out, and the room grows quiet. Low whisks back in as if on cue, and that sweet country scent that’s pulled me to her from the beginning follows her in.

  “Congratulations again.” I nod toward Mer, to my mother, but my eyes snag on my brother’s, his face. I know every familiar inch of it. We have always essentially been the very same person, same taste in women, which explains his attraction to Mer, to Low—but that doesn’t mean he can freely pluck them from my arms.

  “We’ll see you later!” Low cries out as I speed us toward the door. “I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot of one another. Boobear and I do everything together. And I do mean everything!”

  We get to the other side of the door, and I take a moment to pause and catch my breath. Low slowly loosens her grip on my hand, and I’m quick to regain my hold on her.

  “Not so fast, Peaches.”

  She cowers a moment, biting down on her lower lip, but it’s that mischievous look in her eyes that lets me know she’s enjoyed every single moment. “You’re not mad, are you?” She gives a little wink when she says it.

  A moment swills between us. Those pouty lips of hers call out to me like candy just begging me to take a bite. “Nope. Not mad. How about we grab some food and you can fill me in on our budding relationship?”

  She wraps an arm around my waist as we make our way down the hall. “Anything for you, Boobear.”

  The double barbeque bacon and jalapeño jack cheeseburger at The Sloppy Pelican just so happens to be my favorite menu option. I could easily eat three in one sitting, and yet here I am seated across from Low Hartley unable to take a single bite.

  “So, what’s up with Bertie Higgins?”

  “Bertie who?” She looks perplexed as she racks her brain. “Was he Beta Kappa Phi? I never could keep those frat brat names straight.”

  “No, he’s Key Largo—as in the singer of that song you like to play on a loop. What’s the story behind it?”

  “Oh, it’s a stress thing.” She eyes the overgrown salad before her as if it too might be a stress thing. “When I was a kid—about seven or eight, my dad and I went out for milk. It was on the radio, and he sang along. He looked really happy that day. My dad was not known for being happy. Anyway, he took off shortly thereafter. I heard the song again years later, and it brought me back to that car ride—one of the last times my family was whole, and well, I sort of listened to it on a loop. Over the years, I guess you can say it’s become a musical crutch.” She spikes up in her seat and blinks back tears. “But that’s enough about that.” Low dives straight into her salad, and I can tell there is a lot of unresolved pain stemming from the fact her dad took off. An instant anger percolates in me over the fact. How could anyone leave their kid behind? Especially someone like Low. She’s bright and beautiful, and it’s clear it was his loss. A big one at that.

  “Mmm.” She lifts a fork as she enjoys her Chinese chicken salad served in what amounts to a mixing bowl. “So good.” She washes it down with her lemonade. “Really good, actually.” She glances back at the bar before leaning in. “I’m sorry about calling your food plastic. It was totally a barb meant specifically to take you down a notch for that whole arrest thing.” She tips her head to the side as if the ball was in my court.

  “Apology accepted. And believe me, I’m relieved to know I’m not subjecting you to lumps of manufactured synthetics.” That hellish night comes tumbling to the forefront of my mind. As soon as Low stepped into the place, it was as if a light switch went on inside of me. It’s still on. As much as I don’t want to admit it, she ignites something in me, makes me feel alive and needed, wanted on some level.

  “And?” Her teeth graze over her bottom lip, quick and bright as shooting stars. “You realize what comes next, right?”

  My mouth opens, then closes. I realize what comes next—an apol
ogy, but technically, I’m not the one who had her arrested.

  “Wow”—she blinks back incredulously, and as much as it makes me sound like a bastard to say this, she looks hot as hell when she gets all worked up. “Your sister graduated summa cum laude with highest honors. You sure you’re related?”

  A sharp laugh barks out of me. “I graduated Order of the Coif when I received my Juris Doctor.”

  “A legal eagle, huh?” Her brows twitch with curiosity as she takes another sip. “Are you a Briggs’ man?”

  “That’s right. I did my undergraduate work there before heading to the Flynn School of Law.” Flynn is WB’s very own law school and a most impressive one at that. “It’s where I met Axel, the third and silent partner in The Sloppy Pelican.” Ax is the one who pulled the patrol car trigger on poor Low, but since her wrath reaches far and wide, I think I’ll spare him of it in general. We may have dropped the charges, but it doesn’t lessen the sting of what happened that night.

  “Well, aren’t you just a Briggs’ boy through and through?” She takes another enthusiastic bite out of her food, and this time her eyes close and she lets out a guttural groan that works its way up from that secret place a noise that glorious can only come from and my dick ticks to life.

  “That would be me. And you? You mentioned you roomed with Raven. So, you’re a sorority girl I take it?”

  “Kappa Gamma Gamma.” She thrusts an enthusiastic fist in the air and accidentally kicks me under the table. “Sorry.” She makes a face. “Speaking of that little S word, you sure you don’t have anything you’d like to say to me regarding the night we met?”

  I lean back, doing my best to hide the smug grin waiting to burst on the scene. “I may have forgotten to tell you there’s a spare key under the mat by the back door.” I scan the ceiling a moment. “And—that’s it.”

  “Ugh.” She lets out a strangled cry. “You’re impossible. And in that way, I can honestly say you’re exactly like your sister. And yes, I’m a Briggs’ girl. Bachelor’s in business just like your not-so-sweet little sis.” She gives a sly wink as if we were both in on this joke, and my stomach sours. The last thing I want to know is some salty truths about my sister. As far as I’m concerned, yes, she is my sweet little sis. “I graduated cum laude.” She shrugs as if it weren’t good enough. “Raven went on to do her graduate work. It only took a year, and she begged me to join her, but no—” she rolls her eyes as she exaggerates the word—“I didn’t see what an extra degree would get me, so I opted to get right out into the real world. And five years later, I’m an unemployed window salesman’s secretary while Raven globetrots around the world with an army of half-naked men who could qualify to form their own boy band. And yet, life in all its ironic glory has landed me homeless and eating out of the merciful hand of her family.” She knocks back half of her lemonade, and I’m guessing she’s wishing it was something far stronger.