“There’s a great misunderstanding. That girl of yours, she’s tried to get me to leave, to move on to…somewhere…but I can’t until I set things right.”
When had Emma spoken with his pa? If she had told him, would he have listened? He knew he was hard-headed; oddly, in that moment, he felt much of it dissolve away.
“Why did you kill yourself?” Nathan blurted the most pressing question of his life.
“Oh son, I didn’t take my own life. I could never have done such a thing, no matter how bad things ever got. I loved your ma and your sister so very much. And I loved and admired you, Nathan. You were such a strong and thoughtful boy. I never wanted to go away like this.” He paused, then continued, “I was a simple man, always minded my own business, except for one thing that I just couldn’t stomach, and that was what was happening with those poor fellas in the south.”
“The slaves.” It wasn’t a question. Nathan remembered his previous dream, and knew it had somehow been real.
“Yeah. So I tried to help. I smuggled them when I could, on the river. But there were those in town who didn’t like it. I knew who they were, and kept my distance as well as I could, but somehow it got out that I’d helped several blacks trying to get north. I was murdered, and my body thrown overboard.”
“Why did ma tell everyone that you’d killed yourself?” Nathan couldn’t keep the anger out of his voice. A part of him always knew his ma had lied. When he’d pushed her on it, she hadn’t budged. Nathan had never understood it. His resentment had festered over time, and he convinced himself that his pa must’ve killed himself.
“I think she was frightened, and maybe a bit scorned as well.”
“Why was that?”
“I hid things from her, from all of you, because I didn’t want you to get hurt. She knew of the smuggling, she had that gift, you know, and it was hard to hide anything from her. I know she told the authorities, and our friends as well, that I committed suicide to protect you and your sister. But she also thought that I loved one of the black women.”
“Did you?” Nathan asked in shock.
His pa shook his head. “No, not like that. I did, however, hold some in great affection. But I loved your ma. I don’t think she ever quite believed me, and her anger gave her a blind spot in knowing the truth. I ran out of time to make it right with her.” He appeared weary and weighed down by all the unresolved circumstances. “I’ve tried to visit her, like this and other ways, but she’s shut it all down. She won’t practice her gift. If I could just tell her I love her, and that I’m sorry.”
“Maybe I can,” Nathan said quietly. He hadn’t been home in a long time, too long. What a selfish bastard he’d been. “You’ve been with me all this time, haven’t you?”
“Yeah.”
“I could always feel you. I never understood it. I left home to get away from it, but you followed me anyway, didn’t you?”
His pa nodded. “I think my sense of justice has rubbed off on you. You fight the wrongdoings far better than I ever did.”
“I wouldn’t say that. What you did was incredibly brave. I simply ran until I found something to fight. Blind fighting.”
“No, Nathan. I couldn’t be more proud of you.”
Nathan looked at his pa. They stood in this surreal landscape, sharing a reunion that Nathan never thought would happen. And finally, he knew the truth. It didn’t erase the pain of never having his pa with him in his waking hours, but at least he could let go of the anger that he’d kept deep inside for so long.
“Thank you.” Nathan barely got the words out before his throat closed.
“I’m glad I was finally able to tell you. Tell your ma that I won’t move on till she sees me.” His figure began to fade. “And tell that girl of yours, she makes a fine sparrow…”
Nathan awoke to the hard ground beneath him. Still dark, the twinkling stars alerted him to the reality he currently occupied.
He remembered everything.
He had no doubt that what he just dreamt was a real experience.
He watched the night sky and wondered if his pa was out there, somewhere. Joy filled him, knowing that his pa still existed somewhere, that death wasn’t the end. In that knowledge, Nathan felt his soul loosen from its shackles, chains he’d put there himself, and flow more freely to the world around him.
A bird landed beside him, a sparrow. The little creature chirped a few times then flew away.
Nathan didn’t doubt this either. Emma spoke to him. He’d just been too dense to listen.
* * *
Emma loaded the blankets and food into the boat. She eyed the rapid near their camp, then climbed into the dory.
“For christ’s sake,” Diamond said, standing beside the boat. “We’re not running that, are we?”
Emma scanned the whitewater, then placed her hat on her head. “Yes.”
Diamond muttered obscenities under his breath, but when Emma began to move the boat away from the shoreline he quickly climbed onboard, rocking it forcibly back and forth.
Emma glowered at him then rowed into the swift current. It had become second-nature to her, rowing and living on this watery concourse. She’d miss it when the journey ended. With strength and determination, she navigated the wild ride that the river offered. She’d miss that, too.
When they reached calmer water, Diamond went about whining and sputtering, which Emma ignored. Soon the dark clouds overhead released the ever-present rain. Emma voiced a silent thank you to the heavens above for drowning out Diamond’s sour mood.
Despite the storm, Emma’s sparrows remained with her on the boat, perched on the gunwale and the bow, behind her. She navigated the dory through relatively calm waters then took it through a short, intense rapid without scouting beforehand. Risky she knew, but the less time with Diamond the better.
At some point during the afternoon, Emma chanced a direct look at Diamond’s figure slumped in the stern of the boat, rather than the usual cursory glances she normally gave him. The rain had stopped. He leaned his head back and stared upward. Emma followed his gaze, but saw nothing.
Maybe he was dead. A moment of relief that he’d no longer be a problem to the human race was soon replaced with disappointment when he blinked, confirming his aliveness. Even in death he'd likely still beget problems for those in this world. She'd need to investigate such things further.
A breeze blew downriver, and Emma grabbed her hat before it dislodged from her head. The wind became stronger. She scanned the surroundings, feeling odd. Her sparrows were gone. They must've flown away. Alert for danger, she sat erect on the dory bench. She removed her hat and anchored it to the floor of the boat with a foot then grasped both oars.
Diamond stood and leaned forward. She grabbed his right arm in an effort to keep him from falling face first into the boat. The contact jolted her, and a sharp vibration buzzed down her arm and into the center of her torso. It was as if a ball of energy settled inside her, just behind her rib cage.
She stared into Diamond’s eyes, and knew he’d done something to her.
His gaze registered recognition and a faint smile crept to the edge of his eyes. Emma found it difficult to speak, as if all the air had been sucked from her lungs. He sat back on the bench that faced her, watching.
Emma looked down at her chest, stunned. Whatever was inside her vibrated and thrummed, causing chaos in its wake.
She wanted it out. But all she could do was sit, unmoving.
It soon became clear that whatever was inside her was growing.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“It took some doing,” Diamond said, “to get those silly sparrows away from you.”
Emma couldn’t speak.
He smiled. “The wind can be useful sometimes.”
What black magic had he invoked to blow her guardians from her? Was she really that helpless without them? She’d underestimated the degree of their protection. She attempted to call Sparrow, but there was no response. She called to U
na, and then to Riddle. Nothing. It felt as if her head was smothered in a thick paste—her breath came in shallow bursts, her hearing muted, her eyesight dim and blurry. Somehow, Diamond's actions inhibited her ability to make a connection beyond herself. Whatever was inside her hummed and gained strength, both invigorating and uncomfortable at once.
It was a violation, and Emma wanted it to stop.
She remained catatonic for some time, how long she wasn’t certain. At some point, she slept. Diamond had taken the oars and they stayed on the river. Awareness returned when he beached the boat. A glance to the sky told Emma it was late afternoon. She could move now, but felt dazed. With wobbly legs she transferred herself to land, noticing that they sat at the head of a large rapid. Of course Diamond would stop here. He was afraid of rapids.
Fatigue filled her. She slumped to the ground and stared at rocks on the sandy beach. They appeared immensely interesting to her. She studied them and lost all track of time. Later, Diamond dragged her by the arms farther away from the water and positioned her in front of a fire. He made food—she thought it was beans—but she was unable to eat. She really wasn’t hungry. A vague sense of defeat permeated her mood.
Emma looked at Diamond as he watched her from across the fire. A wave of disgust passed through her but was immediately followed with a sense of acceptance. God, she almost liked him.
She frowned. What were these thoughts she was having? It was almost as if they weren’t her own.
That's it.
She had to think, had to remember. What?
Her thoughts not her own.
There was something inside her. How had Diamond done it? But more important, how could she get it out?
She thought of the power she now possessed. There were so many ways she could use it. A flush of excitement coursed through her. She could bend others to her will, she could have their energy when she wanted; she didn’t need permission, she could simply take it. She could have anything she wanted.
Fighting for a breath, Emma shook herself from the direction of her thoughts. No, these weren’t her thoughts. They were Diamond’s.
He’d cast a spell on her.
A battle ensued within, as Diamond’s soul overtook hers. She couldn’t let this happen, but maybe it was the only way. She began convulsing but realized it was inside her body, not outwardly. A terrible vibration came over her as her spirit split away from her physical body, the sensation painful. In despair, she screamed into nothingness.
Now, she stood to the right of her physical body and Diamond as they sat beside the fire.
What just happened?
Her human form still lived. It sat there, breathing, blinking its eyes, and watching the flames.
But in her spirit form, Emma could see the black mass that had grown in her material self. It sat in the center of the chest, with black tentacles wrapped around the ribcage and spine. Disgusted, Emma flinched at the thought of trying to remove it.
How?
Diamond continued to speak but Emma couldn’t hear him. Her physical self stared at the ground. The barest wisp of something flitted at the periphery of her awareness. It came again. As her vision changed, she was shocked at what she saw. A complicated matrix glowed in all directions, emanating from the ground like a spider web, weaving its way into every nook and cranny, threading its way around obstacles.
Awestruck, Emma sensed the source—the energy of the earth itself.
She looked in the direction of the river. Sure enough, a matrix flowed above it as well, although different in structure. While the earth matrices were more geometric, the river contained flowing shapes that reminded her of water droplets and rain, more supple and pliable.
She glanced upward and searched for a wind pattern. After a few moments, her vision acclimated and she saw the swirling patterns; they pulsed with a light blue glow. She shifted to the fire between her other self and Diamond. It too had a pattern surrounding it, glowing red. It constantly overwrote itself, coming into existence and then disappearing. Emma wondered if she could tap the energy, somehow guide it. Tentatively, she reached out to the flames. They swirled and dipped then exploded back on her. She screamed, but her fright wasn’t conveyed to anyone but herself.
Since fire might be the hardest to master, she decided to try water.
She focused on the river and extended an invitation to the matrices that were in a constant state of overlapping one another.
May I have your help?
An affirmative answer came to her, though not by conventional means. The matrices came and surrounded her, moving and dipping. Emma experimented with controlling the flow, and to her amazement it worked. The matrix enveloped her then moved upward. Guiding it back down, she spent time playing with the energy.
We shall help in depossession.
Emma wasn’t certain where the exchange had come from, or how the energy was both alive and aware. And although she didn’t know the term “depossession,” she understood what it meant. Diamond had injected her physical self with some type of controlling psychic substance.
“Yes,” she replied. “Thank you.”
The energy flowed into her and she was flung back into a union with her body. She looked across the fire at Diamond. As her strength began to rise, she stood. Diamond’s expression changed from triumph to a dawning defeat. As a wave of water pushed up from her feet, she began to sweat and shake as she fought the strong waves of nausea that passed through her. Finally, she couldn’t suppress it any longer. Turning away from the fire, she bent over and vomited, heaving repeatedly and with such violence that she cried and screamed, coughing and convulsing. She fell to her knees and faced the ground on all fours while the force of it continued to cleanse her. Tears streamed from her closed eyes; she could feel food and liquid in the purging but also something else, a leathery thick substance. Until the waves of terrible retching passed, she was afraid to look at it.
At last, it ended. Breathing heavily, she opened her eyes. The mass was there, a huge, hairy thing, like a spider. Then, it was gone. She blinked. Where had it gone? Had the tears in her eyes caused her to see something that wasn’t there? All that was visible on the ground was the remains of a meal from much earlier in the day. The rancid taste of stomach liquids coated her mouth.
She swung her gaze to Diamond where he still sat across the fire. “Don’t ever touch me again.” Her voice was ragged, harsh, and vile. She had some idea of what she’d just done by the expression on his face—uncertainty, awe, and most definitely fear. She pulled the hidden knife from her boot so that he could see it. “If you ever do that to me again, I’ll kill you.” Standing, she walked into the darkness to the river to rinse her mouth and face.
* * *
Emma wasn’t sure where Diamond had disappeared to. He slinked back into the darkness during the night. Once she’d cleaned herself up, the sparrows returned, and now she sat on a rocky outcrop surrounded by her feathered brethren. The fire died down but she had the light of the stars, an immense outpouring of glitter that decorated the sky above. She wasn’t tired, which was just as well; she didn’t want to sleep while Diamond lurked somewhere. She didn’t think he’d attack again, but then, what did she know about how his mind worked? She needed to be vigilant.
Comforted by the sparrows, she watched their shadows as they perched on the boulders around her. Such lovely little creatures they were—common and simple, nothing special to show for themselves. They had no large size, long beaks, or intense coloration. They were ordinary in every sense of the word, much like herself. But they also had an uncommon perseverance and ability to blend into the environment. They survived. She only hoped she had half as much inner strength as they possessed.
Una appeared from the shadows.
“Hello!” Emma greeted her, smiling, overjoyed to see her animal friend.
I am glad you are well. Una stepped close and Emma could see the eerie glow of her yellow eyes. You must come with me now.
Emma nodd
ed and stood. She trusted the mountain lion as much as she distrusted Diamond. “I was worried I wouldn’t see you again.”
You were detained. Una stopped and swung her head back to look at Emma. But you are smart, and I am well-pleased for it.
Emma basked in the praise, but then a thought occurred to her. “Was it a test?” she asked, referring to her incident with Diamond.
If you like. Una resumed her path, jumping with an easy agility to a nearby rock shelf. But then, you must think that life itself is a test.
“Is it?” She clambered after the cougar.
Life is simply the expression of one desire, and then another, and then another. There is never an end. When the desire ceases in the physical body, you will leave and move to another.
“To another physical body?”
No. Not always.
“So there’s no grand purpose to life?”
Mystery is only mystery when it is knowledge unknown. The purpose of all life is to grow spirit itself, to always expand, to learn, and to change. To evolve. We are all connected. We all benefit from the other. Your world is simply more solid than others.
“That doesn’t make sense. How can I be connected to someone like Diamond? Or to the man who murdered my folks?”
It is true that some souls never expand. Many who are bound in darkness shall strive to hold others from the light. A good mountain lion watches her cubs with joy but is ever-vigilant, ever-aware of predators. She understands that there is danger, and it is her job to never be deceived. You must be this way. Do not be a child anymore.
They moved onto an easier pathway, although they still journeyed upward. Emma knew she didn’t sleep because she sweated from her exertions. Their walk had turned into a hike. Her sparrows continued to remain in the vicinity, flitting from bush to bush, flying behind, above, and ahead of her.
After a long time, hours maybe, Emma wasn’t certain, they emerged onto a plateau. She felt relieved and cleansed from the workout of her body. A full moon shone brightly on the horizon, not visible until now.
The Sparrow Page 25