by J. H. Croix
Based on the look on her face, I took that as a no. Aidan chuckled as he glanced from me to her. Her eyes narrowed as she spoke to whoever was on the phone. She ended the call quickly and looked over at him. Aidan had stepped inside her office and was leaning just beside the door.
He flashed a grin. “You sounded tired, so I brought coffee.”
“I see that. I’m not supposed to have much,” Becca said with a grin.
“It’s the smallest size they had,” he countered.
I slid my hands in my pockets and nodded to Aidan. “I was just about to head out. Good to see you.”
Aidan nodded quickly. “You too. I’m guessing you’re here for the Sutton hearing.”
Becca glared at him. “How do you…?”
Aidan rolled his eyes. “Hon, Ray Sutton is running for mayor. It’s been all over the news this morning.”
He stepped away from the wall and rounded her desk, setting her coffee down and leaning over to drop a lingering kiss on her cheek. Aidan McNamara ran one of the premier security companies in Seattle. He was a former Navy SEAL and looked the part. He tended to look rather foreboding, but he had a soft spot, namely Becca.
I took a moment to say my goodbyes. As I was closing the door behind me, I caught sight of Becca standing and threading her hand into Aidan's hair. I wondered what it be would be like to have Jana look at me the way Becca looked at Aidan. She so clearly adored him. Like Jana, Becca was a bold, confident woman. Yet, she softened around Aidan, as he did around her.
I gave my head a shake, forcing my attention to the moment. I didn’t need to be obsessing about Jana. Yet, unless something else held my attention, Jana was waiting in the wings.
Chapter 22
Jana
I sat on my desk, swinging my legs and laughing with Daisy Wells. Zoe and I had gotten to know her through her connection to Ethan. I'd actually been friends with her before she’d fallen head over heels in love with Tristan, an old friend of Ethan’s. Daisy was a medical researcher—brilliant, beautiful, and funny as hell. I shook my head at her.
“I cannot believe you did that.”
“Why? I swear Jeff Miller drives me nuts. He asked me out once before Tristan and I got together. He’s so fucking annoying. He’s the classic arrogant doctor. He thinks any hot woman will want him,” Daisy declared with a roll of her eyes.
“What did you do?” Zoe asked, walking out of her office. Our office was closing up, and Daisy had swung by to round us up for drinks with friends.
“Oh, after my friend at work turned him down—again—I offered to set him up with someone.”
“Oh God, who did you set him up with?” Zoe asked.
Daisy grinned. “Helena Stepanov.”
Zoe's eyes widened. “I can't believe you did that.”
Helena Stepanov was a medical researcher we knew in passing through Daisy's position. She was model gorgeous and slightly terrifying.
“She scares the hell out of me, and that’s not easy,” I said.
Daisy winked. “I know, right? She kind of intimidates me too. I knew he would go for it because she’s hot. I doubt he’s prepared for what she's really like. Last guy she went out with, she screamed at him right in the restaurant. Her temper is legendary.”
Zoe shook her head with a laugh and snagged her jacket off the coat rack by the door. I slipped my hips off the desk, the motion reminding me of the last time I sat on this desk. Finn had been buried deep inside of me on that very desk. I flushed and turned away, grabbing my jacket off of my chair. Zoe probably wouldn’t appreciate the fact I’d let Finn fuck me senseless here. Well, maybe she wouldn’t care. She was no prude. I also knew for a fact she had gotten wild with Ethan in her own office.
It was odd for me not to be sharing with her much about what was happening with Finn. I normally had no trouble being quite open about my dating life. Yet, I didn't want to talk about Finn. Rather, it was more that talking about Finn led to thinking about how he me feel and that was making me feel a little crazy. Instead, I was telling myself to relax and have fun. That had been Zoe’s advice after all.
We walked out with Daisy. We were meeting two more friends, Olivia and Harper, at a nearby restaurant, 13 Coins. 13 Coins was a Seattle favorite. It had everything from classic diner food to high-end entrées. It was perfect for a night out with friends.
A short walk later, we were ensconced in a tall, leather backed booth in the restaurant. I was enjoying a pomegranate martini while we caught up with each other. Olivia, Daisy and Harper had grown up together in a town outside of Seattle. Olivia was a well-known orthopedic surgeon and had been the initial connection to the Seattle Stars when her husband, Liam Reed, ended up under her knife for knee surgery. His public declaration of love during an interview had been all over the news. Once I got to know her, I found her to be brilliant and kind. She could be on the uptight side, but she was a good counterpoint to Liam who was a tease. With her dark curls and bright green eyes, she was lovely and a contrast to Daisy's blonde hair and wide brown eyes.
Harper, with her glossy brown hair and bright blue eyes, was measured and thoughtful and had a sly sense of humor. She was married to Alex Gordon, the legendary goalkeeper for the Seattle Stars. I felt lucky to have smart, funny and amazing friends like them, yet I occasionally felt slightly less than when I was around them. If only, because I had never finished my law degree and they were all so respectively accomplished.
Harper was a physical therapist and had once commiserated with me about understanding what it was like to have academics go sideways. She had been raped in college by a fellow athlete, and the experience delayed her graduation. I didn’t quite think my mother’s death and being made a public fool by a man was quite the same as what she experienced. When I had said as much to Harper, she had merely smiled softly and commented that everyone had their own challenges, and you never knew what people were facing. I continued to be amazed at how strong she was. Considering Harper’s life now, it was hard to imagine what she’d once been through.
Daisy was regaling us with the latest about her daughter Lily. “The other day, I turn around to find her drawing on the wall with crayons. She took it very specifically when I said she couldn't paint on the wall. When I told her to stop and took the crayons from her, she pointed out that crayons weren’t paint. God help me,” Daisy said with a laugh.
Olivia leaned back, rubbing her round belly. She was pregnant, quite pregnant actually. “That's what I'm afraid of if we have a son who's anything like Liam. According to his mother, he was a wild child.”
I grinned. “You married him, he couldn't have been that bad.”
Olivia shook her head. “His mother said he was a nightmare.”
Daisy laughed. “Well, at least he'll have spirit, right?”
Olivia rolled her eyes. “Sure.”
I looked over to Harper and Zoe. “What's the plan for you two?”
Zoe sighed, nudging me with her elbow. “Don't even ask. Just because I turned thirty, all of a sudden, it's like everybody has a license to ask when I'm having a baby.”
Harper nodded vigorously. “Exactly. What if I don't want to have a baby? What if I don’t know? It’s like we’re supposed to know way in advance.”
“Don’t you want a baby?” Daisy asked immediately.
I bit back a laugh at her obvious attempt to get under Harper’s skin.
Harper glared at her. “I don't know. I think I do. I'm just not ready yet.”
Zoe chimed in. “Stupid biological clock. Ethan’s getting impatient, and I told him he needs to relax. I'm the one who actually has to have the baby,” she said with a roll of her eyes.
“Hell yes,” Olivia nodded firmly. “It's your decision. I mean, I'm not saying you shouldn't have a conversation about it, but let me tell you, it’s no picnic. I'm eight months pregnant and some days I just want to sleep all day. I feel like a beached whale when I lay down.”
Daisy almost spewed her drink all over the table.
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Olivia sipped her water. “I can't wait to have an alcoholic beverage again. I told Liam that he’d better bring me a drink as soon as I give birth.”
Daisy laughed. “Sorry hon. After that, you’ll be nursing.”
Olivia sighed. “I know. Obviously, I was kidding.”
“Oh, it’s not totally out of the question. You can drink and express the milk before you nurse again,” Daisy added.
“Are you serious?” Zoe asked.
Daisy nodded as she took a sip of her martini. “Yep. There’s even a calculation on how much to expel before it’s safe to say you're nursing them with nonalcoholic breast milk. You just wait until you have a baby. You’ll be talking about your body all the time.”
Our waiter arrived at the part where Daisy said nonalcoholic breast milk. She greeted him with a wide smile after she finished speaking. His lips twitched as he paused beside our booth, glancing around the table.
“Okay ladies, have you decided on your orders?”
After he took our orders and turned to the next table, I leaned back into my seat. Zoe glanced my way, a wry grin curling the corners of her mouth. “So we're all up-to-date on the baby status. What's your status?”
“Well, I’m definitely not planning to have a baby anytime soon,” I said with a little laugh. I felt my cheeks heat because I knew where she was going with her question, but I preferred to play dumb.
Unfortunately, Zoe wasn’t letting me off the hook. “That’s not what I meant. Do you plan to be single forever?”
Annoyed, I got snippy. “Who cares if I do? Just like people shouldn’t constantly ask about babies, they shouldn’t constantly look at a woman near thirty and assume she’s dying to settle down.”
Zoe wrinkled her nose. “Oh my God. You know that’s not what I think.”
Daisy immediately jumped in. “Wow, sounds like someone’s a little touchy.”
I rolled my eyes, crossing my legs and trying to ignore the subtle unease rising inside. “Just like babies, I get to decide whether I want to settle down or not,” I said firmly.
Daisy angled her head to the side. “What's up? I was kinda joking, but you are a bit touchy.”
“Just that,” I said, wishing Daisy wasn’t so persistent.
Zoe cleared her throat, way too obviously.
Olivia narrowed her eyes. “Something’s up. You might as well say what.”
“Fine. I might've gone on a few dates with someone.”
I didn't know if what I’d done with Finn every night I spent with him was a date. It seemed a rather insufficient word to describe the most intimate nights I'd ever spent with anyone, each one topping the last. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.
“With who?” Olivia asked, arching a brow.
“Finn Connors,” Zoe said.
Olivia looked puzzled, but Zoe jumped in to fill in the blanks. “Ethan knows Finn. He used to play football at university, but he was injured in a car accident and never went back to it. He's a cop now, and his family has gobs of money. He really likes Jana.”
My cheeks had to be neon red at this point. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, glaring at Zoe before I took a big gulp of my martini. “That's what Zoe thinks,” I said.
“Well, how serious is it?” Daisy asked.
Daisy was a loyal, funny friend, and I adored her. She was also persistent as hell. Sadly, if I was being honest with myself, she reminded me of myself. At this particular moment, that wasn't so great.
“I don't know if it's serious,” I finally muttered, masking my annoyance with myself with a sip of my drink.
“How do you feel?” Daisy asked, ever persistent.
I shifted in my seat again and ignored the anxiety blooming in my chest. “I like him,” I finally said before taking another sip of my drink. “I'm not so sure that’s a good thing.”
Harper caught my eyes, her gaze warm as if she sensed my discomfort. “Maybe you need a little more time to figure it out,” she said.
Daisy started to open her mouth again, and Harper gave her a look. Harper was the only one of us who could shut Daisy up.
Daisy rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out at Harper. “Fine. I guess you want me to back off.”
Harper’s shoulders shook with her laughter. “Yes, give her a little space. If she wants to take things further with Finn, she will when she’s ready,” Harper said.
All of the feelings I’d been trying to ignore were rushing to the fore right now, fists banging on the doors of my heart.
“Or maybe she wants some advice,” Olivia added.
Olivia fell somewhere in the middle between Harper and Daisy, not quite as reserved as Harper, but not quite as bold and pushy as Daisy.
“I'm not sure I need advice. I need to figure out what I want,” I said bluntly.
“What do you want then?” Daisy asked, taking that as another opening.
“She just said she needed to figure that out,” Harper interjected.
I bit my lip to keep from laughing at Daisy. “She’s right,” I offered. “I don't know.”
“Well, you better figure it out. Is he a good guy?” Daisy asked bluntly.
Zoe nodded vigorously. “He's great and, newsflash, he's totally hot, and he likes her. A lot.”
Zoe’s comment sent my stomach into a tailspin. My heart felt funny. The problem was I liked Finn way too much. The intensity of my feelings had hurtled past anything I’d ever experienced before. I’d never have said I fell in love with Rick—better known as the cheating asshole—but it was hot and heavy and intense. My judgment had clouded the overall situation, and then the shame I felt when the truth came out had been crushing.
I didn't know what to think of what was happening with Finn. It was hot, it was heavy, it was intense, and it felt as if he’d slipped through the defenses around my heart. Which I’d thought were airtight, to be honest. I didn't think he was anything like Rick, he wasn't that kind of man, but I didn't want my heart to get trampled on again. I had my pride. If I let myself think about it, I knew Finn meant far more to me than anyone had, which nearly sent me into a panic.
I looked around at my friends. All of them, despite their respective challenges, personal and otherwise, had found love. I hadn’t thought love was in the cards for me. It felt like it required too much of a sacrifice. I didn't want to feel that vulnerable ever again.
So I lied through my teeth. “Maybe he likes me, but I’m not sure what I want yet. I’m not sure something serious is in the cards for me.”
I felt Zoe’s eyes on me and glanced her way. I could see the understanding in her gaze, and it made my throat tight. When I looked away, my eyes caught Harper’s. If anyone understood vulnerability, she did.
I armored myself with my breezy attitude. “Oh Finn’s hot. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm not going to enjoy what’s happening, but for now I'm not thinking past it,” I said bluntly.
Conveniently, our waiter arrived at that moment. I ordered another martini and breathed a sigh of relief that our conversation got knocked off track.
***
Later that night, I let myself into my apartment. Smokey looked up from the back of the couch when I clicked on the light. He started purring instantly before I even walked across the room, apparently in a friendly mood. I hung my jacket by the door and slipped off my shoes. Dropping my keys in the small bowl on the table by the door, the sound echoed in my apartment. I walked over to Smokey, curling my knuckles and stroking under his chin. His purring picked up speed as he leaned into my touch.
Most nights like this when I had dinner with friends, I would come home and unwind in front of the television. Rather than feeling relaxed after a dose of my girlfriends, I felt restless and prickly inside my skin. Probably because I lied to them all and acted as if Finn didn't mean nearly as much to me as he did. I didn't know why I lied. I needed to find a way to break things off with Finn because I didn't like how vulnerable I felt. Not one bit.
Chapter 23
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Finn
I leaned against the counter in my kitchen, running a hand through my hair as I waited for the coffee to finish brewing. It was early, and we had another court hearing today. Sutton’s lawyers had engaged in a common delaying tactic used by those on the defense in court cases and asked for a continuance two days ago. I wouldn’t have been surprised if they asked for another continuance today. The funny thing about the American legal system, touted for its fairness and its innocent until proven guilty proclamation was that defendants had far more tools at their disposal to slow the wheels of justice. Victims had few and often had to wait years for justice. Delaying tactics could make victims tired and weary, and it could reach a point where they would rather just drop everything than keep dealing with the process. The right to a speedy trial was for the defendant, not the accuser.
Jana filtered into my thoughts. Lately, she almost always danced at the edges, but the last few days she'd been remarkably quiet. I had heard little from her via text and was starting to wonder how she was doing. That was unusual for me. Even when I was seeing someone casually, I didn't banter back-and-forth. Texting wasn't quite my thing, but Jana’s messages were funny and lighthearted. I hadn’t realized I looked forward to them until she wasn’t sending them. The past few days had been radio silence.
In an unusual move for me, I spun my phone around on the counter and quickly texted her. Tomorrow was Friday, and it would be good to see her again.
Dinner tomorrow?
The coffeemaker beeped. I poured a cup of coffee and walked to the windows, looking out over the misty morning in Seattle. Puget Sound was calm under the overcast sky. The slate gray sky blended into the steel gray of the ocean. Here and there, the sun shot through the clouds, casting glimmers of light on the ocean’s surface.
Later that afternoon, after a crazy morning between the media and the hearing, I was starting to get worried. Jana had yet to reply to my text. I pulled it up again, not even thinking about the fact I was texting her again.