The Oxford Shakespeare: The Complete Works

by William Shakespeare

  And as a bed I’ll take them, and there lie,

  And in that glorious supposition think

  He gains by death that hath such means to die.

  Let love, being light, be drowned if she sink.

  LUCIANA

  What, are you mad, that you do reason so?

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Not mad, but mated—how, I do not know.

  LUCIANA

  It is a fault that springeth from your eye.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  For gazing on your beams, fair sun, being by.

  LUCIANA

  Gaze where you should, and that will clear your sight.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  As good to wink, sweet love, as look on night.

  LUCIANA

  Why call you me ‘love’ ? Call my sister so.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Thy sister’s sister.

  LUCIANA That’s my sister.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  No,

  It is thyself, mine own self’s better part,

  Mine eye’s clear eye, my dear heart’s dearer heart,

  My food, my fortune, and my sweet hope’s aim,

  My sole earth’s heaven, and my heaven’s claim.

  LUCIANA

  All this my sister is, or else should be.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Call thyself sister, sweet, for I am thee.

  Thee will I love, and with thee lead my life.

  Thou hast no husband yet, nor I no wife.

  Give me thy hand.

  LUCIANA

  O soft, sir, hold you still;

  I’ll fetch my sister to get her good will.

  Exit ⌈into the Phoenix⌉

  Enter ⌈from the Phoenix⌉ Dromio of Syracuse

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Why, how now, Dromiol Where runn’st thou so fast?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Do you know me, sir? Am I Dromio? Am I your man? Am I myself?

  ANTIPHOLUS or SYRACUSE Thou art Dromio, thou art my man, thou art thyself.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I am an ass, I am a woman’s man, and besides myself.

  ANTIPHOLUS or SYRACUSE What woman’s man? And how besides thyself?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, besides myself I am due to a woman: one that claims me, one that haunts me, one that will have me.

  ANTIPHOLUS or SYRACUSE What claim lays she to thee?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, such claim as you would lay to your horse; and she would have me as a beast—not that, I being a beast, she would have me, but that she, being a very beastly creature, lays claim to me.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What is she?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE A very reverend body; ay, such a one as a man may not speak of without he say ‘sir-reverence’. I have but lean luck in the match, and yet is she a wondrous fat marriage.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE How dost thou mean, a fat marriage? 95 5

  DROMIO or SYRACUSE Marry, sir, she’s the kitchen wench, and all grease; and I know not what use to put her to but to make a lamp of her, and run from her by her own light. I warrant her rags and the tallow in them will burn a Poland winter. If she lives till doomsday, she’ll burn a week longer than the whole world.

  ANTIPHOLUS or SYRACUSE What complexion is she of?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Swart like my shoe, but her face nothing like so clean kept. For why?—She sweats a man may go overshoes in the grime of it.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE That’s a fault that water will mend.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, sir, ’tis in grain. Noah’s flood could not do it.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What’s her name?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Nell, sir. But her name and three-quarters—that’s an ell and three-quarters—will not measure her from hip to hip.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Then she bears some breadth?

  DROMIO or SYRACUSE No longer from head to foot than from hip to hip. She is spherical, like a globe. I could find out countries in her.

  ANTIPHOLUS or SYRACUSE In what part of her body stands Ireland?

  DROMIO or SYRACUSE Marry, sir, in her buttocks. I found it out by the bogs.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where Scotland?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I found it by the barrenness, hard in the palm of her hand.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where France?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE In her forehead, armed and reverted, making war against her heir.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where England?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I looked for the chalky cliffs, but I could find no whiteness in them. But I guess it stood in her chin, by the salt rheum that ran between France and it.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where Spain?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Faith, I saw it not, but I felt it hot in her breath.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where America, the Indies?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE O, sir, upon her nose, all o’er embellished with rubies, carbuncles, sapphires, declining their rich aspect to the hot breath of Spain, who sent whole armadas of carracks to be ballast at her nose.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where stood Belgia, the Netherlands?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE O, sir, I did not look so low. To conclude, this drudge or diviner laid claim to me, called me Dromio, swore I was assured to her, told me what privy marks I had about me—as the mark of my shoulder, the mole in my neck, the great wart on my left arm—that I, amazed, ran from her as a witch. And I think if my breast had not been made of faith, and my heart of steel, she had transformed me to a curtal dog, and made me turn i’th’ wheel.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Go, hie thee presently. Post to the road.

  An if the wind blow any way from shore,

  I will not harbour in this town tonight.

  If any barque put forth, come to the mart,

  Where I will walk till thou return to me.

  If everyone knows us, and we know none,

  ’Tis time, I think, to trudge, pack, and be gone.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  As from a bear a man would run for life,

  So fly I from her that would be my wife.

  Exit ⌈to the bay⌉

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  There’s none but witches do inhabit here,

  And therefore ’tis high time that I were hence.

  She that doth call me husband, even my soul

  Doth for a wife abhor. But her fair sister,

  Possessed with such a gentle sovereign grace,

  Of such enchanting presence and discourse,

  Hath almost made me traitor to myself.

  But lest myself be guilty to self-wrong,

  I’ll stop mine ears against the mermaid’s song.

  Enter Angelo with the chain

  ANGELO

  Master Antipholus.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Ay, that’s my name.

  ANGELO

  I know it well, sir. Lo, here’s the chain.

  I thought to have ta’en you at the Porcupine.

  The chain unfinished made me stay thus long.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE (taking the chain)

  What is your will that I shall do with this?

  ANGELO

  What please yourself, sir. I have made it for you.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Made it for me, sir? I bespoke it not.

  ANGELO

  Not once, nor twice, but twenty times you have.

  Go home with it, and please your wife withal,

  And soon at supper-time I’ll visit you,

  And then receive my money for the chain.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  I pray you, sir, receive the money now,

  For fear you ne’er see chain nor money more.

  ANGELO

  You are a merry man, sir. Fare you well. Exit

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  What I should think of this I cannot tell.

  But this I think: there’s no man is so vain

  That would r
efuse so fair an offered chain.

  I see a man here needs not live by shifts,

  When in the streets he meets such golden gifts.

  I’ll to the mart, and there for Dromio stay.

  If any ship put out, then straight away! Exit

  4.1 Enter Second Merchant, Angelo the goldsmith, and an Officer

  SECOND MERCHANT (to Angelo)

  You know since Pentecost the sum is due,

  And since I have not much importuned you;

  Nor now I had not, but that I am bound

  To Persia, and want guilders for my voyage.

  Therefore make present satisfaction,

  Or I’ll attach you by this officer.

  ANGELO

  Even just the sum that I do owe to you

  Is growing to me by Antipholus,

  And in the instant that I met with you

  He had of me a chain. At five o’clock

  I shall receive the money for the same.

  Pleaseth you walk with me down to his house,

  I will discharge my bond, and thank you too.

  Enter Antipholus of Ephesus and Dromio of Ephesus from the Courtesan’s house (the Porcupine)

  OFFICER

  That labour may you save. See where he comes.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS (to Dromio)

  While I go to the goldsmith’s house, go thou

  And buy a rope’s end. That will I bestow

  Among my wife and her confederates

  For locking me out of my doors by day.

  But soft, I see the goldsmith. Get thee gone.

  Buy thou a rope, and bring it home to me.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  I buy a thousand pound a year, I buy a rope. Exit

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS (to Angelo)

  A man is well holp up that trusts to you!

  I promised your presence and the chain,

  But neither chain nor goldsmith came to me.

  Belike you thought our love would last too long

  If it were chained together, and therefore came not.

  ANGELO

  Saving your merry humour, here’s the note

  How much your chain weighs to the utmost carat,

  The fineness of the gold, and chargeful fashion,

  Which doth amount to three odd ducats more

  Than I stand debted to this gentleman.

  I pray you see him presently discharged,

  For he is bound to sea, and stays but for it.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  I am not furnished with the present money.

  Besides, I have some business in the town.

  Good signor, take the stranger to my house,

  And with you take the chain, and bid my wife

  Disburse the sum on the receipt thereof.

  Perchance I will be there as soon as you.

  ANGELO

  Then you will bring the chain to her yourself?

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  No, bear it with you, lest I come not time enough.

  ANGELO

  Well, sir, I will. Have you the chain about you?

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  An if I have not, sir, I hope you have;

  Or else you may return without your money.

  ANGELO

  Nay, come, I pray you, sir, give me the chain.

  Both wind and tide stays for this gentleman,

  And I, to blame, have held him here too long.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  Good Lord! You use this dalliance to excuse

  Your breach of promise to the Porcupine.

  I should have chid you for not bringing it,

  But like a shrew you first begin to brawl.

  SECOND MERCHANT (to Angelo)

  The hour steals on. I pray you, sir, dispatch.

  ANGELO (to Antipholus)

  You hear how he importunes me. The chain!

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  Why, give it to my wife, and fetch your money.

  ANGELO

  Come, come, you know I gave it you even now.

  Either send the chain, or send me by some token.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  Fie, now you run this humour out of breath.

  Come, where’s the chain? I pray you let me see it.

  SECOND MERCHANT

  My business cannot brook this dalliance.

  Good sir, say whe’er you’ll answer me or no;

  If not, I’ll leave him to the officer.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  I answer you? What should I answer you?

  ANGELO

  The money that you owe me for the chain.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  I owe you none till I receive the chain.

  ANGELO

  You know I gave it you half an hour since.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  You gave me none. You wrong me much to say so.

  ANGELO

  You wrong me more, sir, in denying it.

  Consider how it stands upon my credit.

  SECOND MERCHANT

  Well, officer, arrest him at my suit.

  OFFICER (to Angelo)

  I do, and charge you in the Duke’s name to obey me.

  ANGELO (to Antipholus)

  This touches me in reputation.

  Either consent to pay this sum for me,

  Or I attach you by this officer.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  Consent to pay thee that I never had?

  Arrest me, foolish fellow, if thou dar’st.

  ANGELO

  Here is thy fee: arrest him, officer.

  I would not spare my brother in this case

  If he should scorn me so apparently.

  OFFICER (to Antipholus)

  I do arrest you, sir. You hear the suit.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  I do obey thee till I give thee bail.

  (To Angelo) But, sirrah, you shall buy this sport as dear

  As all the metal in your shop will answer.

  ANGELO

  Sir, sir, I shall have law in Ephesus,

  To your notorious shame, I doubt it not.

  Enter Dromio of Syracuse, from the bay

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  Master, there’s a barque of Epidamnum

  That stays but till her owner comes aboard,

  And then she bears away. Our freightage, sir,

  I have conveyed aboard, and I have bought

  The oil, the balsamum, and aqua-vitae.

  The ship is in her trim; the merry wind

  Blows fair from land. They stay for naught at all

  But for their owner, master, and yourself.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  How now? A madman? Why, thou peevish sheep,

  What ship of Epidamnum stays for me?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  A ship you sent me to, to hire waftage.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  Thou drunken slave, I sent thee for a rope,

  And told thee to what purpose and what end.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  You sent me for a ropës end as soon.

  You sent me to the bay, sir, for a barque.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  I will debate this matter at more leisure,

  And teach your ears to list me with more heed.

  To Adriana, villain, hie thee straight.

  Give her this key, and tell her in the desk

  That’s covered o’er with Turkish tapestry

  There is a purse of ducats. Let her send it.

  Tell her I am arrested in the street,

  And that shall bail me. Hie thee, slave. Be gone !—

  On, officer, to prison, till it come.

  Exeunt all but Dromio of Syracuse

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  To Adriana. That is where we dined,

  Where Dowsabel did claim me for her husband.

  She is too big, I hope, for me to compass.

 
Thither I must, although against my will;

  For servants must their masters’ minds fulfil. Exit

  4.2 Enter ⌈from the Phoenix⌉ Adriana and Luciana

  ADRIANA

  Ah, Luciana, did he tempt thee so?

  Mightst thou perceive austerely in his eye

  That he did plead in earnest, yea or no?

  Looked he or red or pale, or sad or merrily?

  What observation mad’st thou in this case

  Of his heart’s meteors tilting in his face?

  LUCIANA

  First he denied you had in him no right.

  ADRIANA

  He meant he did me none, the more my spite.

  LUCIANA

  Then swore he that he was a stranger here.

  ADRIANA

  And true he swore, though yet forsworn he were.

  LUCIANA

  Then pleaded I for you.

  ADRIANA

  And what said he?

  LUCIANA

  That love I begged for you, he begged of me.

  ADRIANA

  With what persuasion did he tempt thy love?

  LUCIANA

  With words that in an honest suit might move.

  First he did praise my beauty, then my speech.

  ADRIANA

  Didst speak him fair?

  LUCIANA Have patience, I beseech.

  ADRIANA

  I cannot, nor I will not, hold me still.

  My tongue, though not my heart, shall have his will.

  He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,

  Ill-faced, worse-bodied, shapeless everywhere,

  Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,

  Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.

  LUCIANA

  Who would be jealous, then, of such a one?

  No evil lost is wailed when it is gone.

  ADRIANA

  Ah, but I think him better than I say,

  And yet would herein others’ eyes were worse.

  Far from her nest the lapwing cries away.

  My heart prays for him, though my tongue do curse.

  Enter Dromio of Syracuse running

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  Here, go—the desk, the purse! Sweet now, make haste!

  LUCIANA

  How? Hast thou lost thy breath?

  DROMIO or SYRACUSE By running fast.

  ADRIANA

  Where is thy master, Dromio? Is he well?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  No, he’s in Tartar limbo, worse than hell.

  A devil in an everlasting garment hath him,

  One whose hard heart is buttoned up with steel;

  A fiend, a fairy, pitiless and rough;

  A wolf, nay worse, a fellow all in buff;