The Oxford Shakespeare: The Complete Works

by William Shakespeare

  (To Simple) Tarry you a little-a while.

  Caius writes

  MISTRESS QUICKLY (aside to Simple) I am glad he is so quiet. If he had been throughly moved, you should have heard him so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding, man, I’ll do your master what good I can. And the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my master—I may call him my master, look you, for I keep his house, and I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds, and do all myself—

  SIMPLE (aside to Mistress Quickly) ’Tis a great charge to come under one body’s hand.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY (aside to Simple) Are you advised o’ that? You shall find it a great charge—and to be up early, and down late. But notwithstanding, to tell you in your ear—I would have no words of it—my master himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page. But notwithstanding that, I know Anne’s mind: that’s neither here nor there.

  CAIUS (giving the letter to Simple) You, jack’nape, give-a this letter to Sir Hugh. By Gar, it is a shallenge. I will cut his troat in de Park, and I will teach a scurvy jackanape priest to meddle or make. You may be gone. It is not good you tarry here. By Gar, I will cut all his two stones. By Gar, he shall not have a stone to throw at his dog. Exit Simple

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Alas, he speaks but for his friend. CAIUS It is no matter-a ver dat. Do not you tell-a me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By Gar, I vill kill de jack-priest. And I have appointed mine Host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By Gar, I will myself have Anne Page.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We must give folks leave to prate, what the goodyear!

  CAIUS Rugby, come to the court with me. (To Mistress Quickly) By Gar, if I have not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my door. Follow my heels, Rugby.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY You shall have Anne—

  Exeunt Caius and Rugby

  —ass-head of your own. No, I know Anne’s mind for

  that. Never a woman in Windsor knows more of Anne’s

  mind than I do, nor can do more than I do with her,

  I thank heaven.

  FENTON (within) Who’s within there, ho!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Who’s there, I trow?—Come near the house, I pray you.

  Enter Master Fenton

  FENTON How now, good woman, how dost thou?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY The better that it pleases your good worship to ask.

  FENTON What news? How does pretty Mistress Anne?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and gentle, and one that is your friend. I can tell you that by the way, I praise heaven for it.

  FENTON Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? Shall I not lose my suit?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Troth, sir, all is in His hands above. But notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I’ll be sworn on a book she loves you. Have not your worship a wart above your eye?

  FENTON Yes, marry, have I. What of that?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, thereby hangs a tale. Good faith, it is such another Nan!—But I detest, an honest maid as ever broke bread.—We had an hour’s talk of that wart. I shall never laugh but in that maid’s company.—But indeed she is given too much to allicholy and musing.—But for you—well—go to!

  FENTON Well, I shall see her today. Hold, there’s money for thee. Let me have thy voice in my behalf. If thou seest her before me, commend me.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Will I? I’faith, that I will. And I will tell your worship more of the wart the next time we have confidence, and of other wooers.

  FENTON Well, farewell. I am in great haste now.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Farewell to your worship.

  Exit Fenton

  Truly, an honest gentleman; but Anne loves him not,

  for I know Anne’s mind as well as another does.—Out

  upon’t, what have I forgot? Exit

  2.1 Enter Mistress Page, with a letter

  MISTRESS PAGE What, have I scaped love-letters in the holiday time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them? Let me see.

  She reads

  ‘Ask me no reason why I love you, for though Love use Reason for his precision, he admits him not for his counsellor. You are not young; no more am I. Go to, then, there’s sympathy. You are merry; so am I. Ha, ha, then, there’s more sympathy. You love sack, and so do I. Would you desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page, at the least if the love of soldier can suffice, that I love thee. I will not say “pity me”—’tis not a soldier-like phrase—but I say “love me”.

  By me, thine own true knight,

  By day or night

  Or any kind of light, 15

  With all his might

  For thee to fight,

  John Falstaff.’

  What a Herod of Jewry is this! O, wicked, wicked world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with age, to show himself a young gallant! What an unweighed behaviour hath this Flemish drunkard picked, i’th’ devil’s name, out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company. What should I say to him? was then frugal of my mirth, heaven forgive me. Why, I’ll exhibit a bill in the Parliament for the putting down of men. O God, that I knew how to be revenged on him! For revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings.

  Enter Mistress Ford

  MISTRESS FORD Mistress Page! By my faith, I was going to your house.

  MISTRESS PAGE And by my faith, I was coming to you. You look very ill.

  MISTRESS FORD Nay, I’ll ne’er believe that: I have to show to the contrary.

  MISTRESS PAGE Faith, but you do, in my mind.

  MISTRESS FORD Well, I do, then. Yet I say I could show you to the contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel.

  MISTRESS PAGE What’s the matter, woman?

  MISTRESS FORD O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I could come to such honour!

  MISTRESS PAGE Hang the trifle, woman; take the honour. What is it? Dispense with trifles. What is it?

  MISTRESS FORD If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so, I could be knighted.

  MISTRESS PAGE What? Thou liest! Sir Alice Ford? These knights will hack, and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy gentry.

  MISTRESS FORD We burn daylight. Here: read, read.

  She gives Mistress Page a letter

  Perceive how I might be knighted.

  Mistress Page reads

  I shall think the worse of fat men as long as I have an eye to make difference of men’s liking. And yet he would not swear, praised women’s modesty, and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness that I would have sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of his words. But they do no more adhere and keep place together than the hundred and fifty psalms to the tune of ‘Greensleeves’. What tempest, I trow, threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I think the best way were to entertain him with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?

  MISTRESS PAGE Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and Ford differs.

  She gives Mistress Ford her letter

  To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill opinions, here’s the twin brother of thy letter. But let thine inherit first, for I protest mine never shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for different names—sure, more, and these are of the second edition. He will print them, out of doubt—for he cares not what he puts into the press when he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess, and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.

  MISTRESS FORD Why, this is the very same: the very hand, the very words. What doth he think of us?

  MISTRESS PAGE Nay, I know not. It makes me almost ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I’ll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in me that I know not myself, he would
never have boarded me in this fury.

  MISTRESS FORD ’Boarding’ call you it? I’ll be sure to keep him above deck.

  MISTRESS PAGE So will I. If he come under my hatches, I’ll never to sea again. Let’s be revenged on him. Let’s appoint him a meeting, give him a show of comfort in his suit, and lead him on with a fine baited delay till he hath pawned his horses to mine Host of the Garter.

  MISTRESS FORD Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against him that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O that my husband saw this letter! It would give eternal food to his jealousy.

  Enter Master Ford with Pistol, and Master Page with Nim

  MISTRESS PAGE Why, look where he comes, and my goodman too. He’s as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause; and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable distance.

  MISTRESS FORD You are the happier woman.

  MISTRESS PAGE Let’s consult together against this greasy knight. Come hither.

  They withdraw.

  FORD Well, I hope it be not so.

  PISTOL

  Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs.

  Sir John affects thy wife.

  FORD Why, sir, my wife is not young.

  PISTOL

  He woos both high and low, both rich and poor,

  Both young and old, one with another, Ford.

  He loves the gallimaufry, Ford. Perpend.

  FORD Love my wife?

  PISTOL

  With liver burning hot. Prevent,

  Or go thou like Sir Actaeon, he,

  With Ringwood at thy heels.

  O, odious is the name!

  FORD What name, sir?

  PISTOL The horn, I say. Farewell.

  Take heed; have open eye; for thieves do foot by night.

  Take heed ere summer comes, or cuckoo-birds do

  sing.—

  Away, Sir Corporal Nim!—Believe it, Page; he speaks

  sense. Exit

  FORD (aside) I will be patient. I will find out this.

  NIM (to Page) And this is true. I like not the humour of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours. I should have borne the humoured letter to her; but I have a sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife. There’s the short and the long. My name is Corporal Nim. I speak and I avouch ’tis true.

  My name is Nim, and Falstaff loves your wife. Adieu.

  I love not the humour of bread and cheese. Adieu.

  Exit

  PAGE (aside) The humour of it, quoth a? Here’s a fellow frights English out of his wits.

  FORD (aside) I will seek out Falstaff.

  PAGE (aside) I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.

  FORD (aside) If I do find it—well.

  PAGE (aside) I will not believe such a Cathayan though the priest o’th’ town commended him for a true man.

  FORD (aside) ’Twas a good, sensible fellow. Well.

  Mistress Page and Mistress Ford come forward

  PAGE How now, Meg?

  MISTRESS PAGE Whither go you, George? Hark you.

  They talk apart

  MISTRESS FORD How now, sweet Frank? Why art thou melancholy?

  FORD I melancholy? I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.

  MISTRESS FORD Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head now. Will you go, Mistress Page?

  MISTRESS PAGE Have with you.—You’ll come to dinner, George?

  Enter Mistress Quickly

  (Aside to Mistress Ford) Look who comes yonder. She shall be our messenger to this paltry knight.

  MISTRESS FORD (aside to Mistress Page) Trust me, I thought on her. She’ll fit it.

  MISTRESS PAGE (to Mistress Quickly) You are come to see my daughter Anne?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth; and I pray how does good Mistress Anne?

  MISTRESS PAGE Go in with us and see. We have an hour’s talk with you.

  Exeunt Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and Mistress Quickly

  PAGE How now, Master Ford?

  FORD You heard what this knave told me, did you not?

  PAGE Yes, and you heard what the other told me?

  FORD Do you think there is truth in them?

  PAGE Hang ’em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer it. But these that accuse him in his intent towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men—very rogues, now they be out of service.

  FORD Were they his men?

  PAGE Marry, were they.

  FORD I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the Garter?

  PAGE Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head.

  FORD I do not misdoubt my wife, but I would be loath to turn them together. A man may be too confident. I would have nothing lie on my head. I cannot be thus satisfied.

  Enter the Host of the Garter

  PAGE Look where my ranting Host of the Garter comes. There is either liquor in his pate or money in his purse when he looks so merrily.—How now, mine Host?

  HOST God bless you, bully rook, God bless you! Thou’rt a gentleman.

  Enter Shallow

  Cavaliero Justice, I say!

  SHALLOW I follow, mine Host, I follow.—Good even and twenty, good Master Page. Master Page, will you go with us? We have sport in hand.

  HOST Tell him, Cavaliero Justice, tell him, bully rook.

  SHALLOW Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh, the Welsh priest, and Caius, the French doctor.

  FORD Good mine Host o’th’ Garter, a word with you.

  HOST What sayst thou, my bully rook?

  They talk apart

  SHALLOW (to Page) Will you go with us to behold it? My merry Host hath had the measuring of their weapons, and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places. For, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.

  They talk apart

  HOST (to Ford) Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest cavaliero?

  ⌈FORD⌉ None, I protest. But I’ll give you a pottle of burnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell him my name is Brooke—only for a jest.

  HOST My hand, bully. Thou shalt have egress and regress—said I well?—and thy name shall be Brooke. It is a merry knight. (To Shallow and Page) Will you go, mijn’heers?

  SHALLOW Have with you, mine Host.

  PAGE I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his rapier.

  SHALLOW Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these times you stand on distance—your passes, stoccados, and I know not what. ‘Tis the heart, Master Page; ⌈showing his rapier-passes⌉ ’tis here, ’tis here. I have seen the time with my long sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.

  HOST Here, boys; here, here! Shall we wag?

  PAGE Have with you. I had rather hear them scold than fight. Exeunt Host, Shallow, and Page

  FORD Though Page be a secure fool and stands so firmly on his wife’s frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily. She was in his company at Page’s house, and what they made there I know not. Well, I will look further into’t; and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not my labour. If she be otherwise, ’tis labour well bestowed. Exit

  2.2 Enter Sir John Falstaff and Pistol

  SIR JOHN I will not lend thee a penny.

  PISTOL

  I will retort the sum in equipage.

  SIR JOHN Not a penny.

  PISTOL ⌈drawing his sword⌉ Why then, the world’s mine oyster, which I with sword will open.

  SIR JOHN Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should lay my countenance to pawn. I have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow Nim, or else you had looked through the grate like a gemini of baboons. I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows. And when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took’t upon mine honour thou hadst it not.

  PISTOL
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  Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen pence?

  SIR JOHN Reason, you rogue, reason. Thinkest thou I’ll endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me. I am no gibbet for you. Go, a short knife and a throng, to your manor of Pickt-hatch, go. You’ll not bear a letter for me, you rogue? You stand upon your honour? Why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the terms of my honour precise. Ay, ay, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand, and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you, you rogue, will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! You will not do it, you?

  PISTOL ⌈sheathing his sword⌉

  I do relent. What wouldst thou more of man?

  Enter Robin

  ROBIN Sir, here’s a woman would speak with you.

  SIR JOHN Let her approach.

  Enter Mistress Quickly

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Give your worship good morrow.

  SIR JOHN Good morrow, goodwife.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Not so, an’t please your worship.

  SIR JOHN Good maid, then.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY I’ll be sworn: as my mother was the first hour I was born.

  SIR JOHN I do believe the swearer. What with me?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?

  SIR JOHN Two thousand, fair woman, and I’ll vouchsafe thee the hearing.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY There is one Mistress Ford, sir—I pray come a little nearer this ways.

  She draws Sir John aside

  I myself dwell with Master Doctor Caius—

  SIR JOHN Well, on. Mistress Ford, ybu say.