The Oxford Shakespeare: The Complete Works

by William Shakespeare

  EVANS I will teach the children their behaviours, and I will be like a jackanapes also, to burn the knight with my taber.

  FORD

  That will be excellent. I’ll go buy them vizors.

  MISTRESS PAGE

  My Nan shall be the Queen of all the Fairies,

  Finely attired in a robe of white.

  PAGE

  That silk will I go buy—(aside) and in that tire

  Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away,

  And marry her at Eton. (To Mistress Page) Go send to

  Falstaff straight.

  FORD

  Nay, I’ll to him again in name of Brooke.

  He’ll tell me all his purpose. Sure he’ll come.

  MISTRESS PAGE

  Fear not you that. (To Page, Ford, and Evans) Go get us

  properties

  And tricking for our fairies.

  EVANS Let us about it. It is admirable pleasures, and fery honest knaveries. Exeunt Ford, Page, and Evans

  MISTRESS PAGE Go, Mistress Ford,

  Send quickly to Sir John, to know his mind.

  Exit Mistress Ford

  I’ll to the Doctor. He hath my good will,

  And none but he, to marry with Nan Page.

  That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot;

  And he my husband best of all affects.

  The Doctor is well moneyed, and his friends

  Potent at court. He, none but he, shall have her,

  Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her.

  Exit

  4.5 Enter the Host of the Garter and Simple

  HOST What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thick-skin? Speak, breathe, discuss. Brief, short, quick, snap.

  SIMPLE Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff, from Master Slender.

  HOST There’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed and truckle-bed. ’Tis painted about with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go knock and call. He’ll speak like an Anthropophaginian unto thee. Knock, I say.

  SIMPLE There’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber. I’ll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down. I come to speak with her, indeed.

  HOST Ha, a fat woman? The knight may be robbed. I’ll call.—Bully knight, bully Sir John! Speak from thy lungs military! Art thou there? It is thine Host, thine Ephesian, calls.

  SIR JOHN (within) How now, mine Host?

  HOST Here’s a Bohemian Tartar tarries the coming down of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her descend. My chambers are honourable. Fie, privacy! Fie!

  Enter Sir John Falstaff

  SIR JOHN There was, mine Host, an old fat woman even now with me; but she’s gone.

  SIMPLE Pray you, sir, was’t not the wise woman of Brentford?

  SIR JOHN Ay, marry was it, mussel-shell. What would you with her?

  SIMPLE My master, sir, my master Slender, sent to her, seeing her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nim, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the chain or no.

  SIR JOHN I spake with the old woman about it.

  SIMPLE And what says she, I pray, sir?

  SIR JOHN Marry, she says that the very same man that beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of it.

  SIMPLE I would I could have spoken with the woman herself. I had other things to have spoken with her, too, from him.

  SIR JOHN What are they? Let us know.

  HOST Ay, come, quick.

  ⌈SIMPLE⌉ I may not conceal them, sir.

  HOST Conceal them, or thou diest.

  SIMPLE Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne Page, to know if it were my master’s fortune to have her or no.

  SIR JOHN ’Tis, ’tis his fortune.

  SIMPLE What, sir?

  SIR JOHN To have her or no. Go say the woman told me SO.

  SIMPLE May I be bold to say so, sir?

  SIR JOHN Ay, Sir Tike; who more bold?

  SIMPLE I thank your worship. I shall make my master glad with these tidings. Exit

  HOST Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was there a wise woman with thee?

  SIR JOHN Ay, that there was, mine Host, one that hath taught me more wit than ever I learned before in my life. And I paid nothing for it, neither, but was paid for my learning.

  Enter Bardolph, ⌈muddy⌉

  BARDOLPH O Lord, sir, cozenage, mere cozenagel

  HOST Where be my horses? Speak well of them, varletto.

  BARDOLPH Run away with the cozeners. For so soon as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of them, in a slough of mire, and set spurs and away, like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.

  HOST They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain. Do not say they be fled. Germans are honest men.

  Enter Sir Hugh Evans

  EVANS Where is mine Host?

  HOST What is the matter, sir?

  EVANS Have a care of your entertainments. There is a friend of mine come to town tells me there is three cozen Garmombles that has cozened all the hosts of Reading, of Maidenhead, of Colnbrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look you. You are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and ’tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.

  Exit

  Enter Doctor Caius

  CAIUS Vere is mine Host de Jarteer?

  HOST Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.

  CAIUS I cannot tell vat is dat, but it is tell-a me dat you make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany. By my trot, der is no duke that the court is know to come. I tell you for good will. Adieu. Exit

  HOST (to Bardolph) Hue and cry, villain, go! (To Sir John) Assist me, knight. I am undone. (To Bardolph) Fly, run, hue and cry, villain. I am undone.

  Exeunt Host and Bardolph ⌈severally⌉

  SIR JOHN I would all the world might be cozened, for I have been cozened, and beaten too. If it should come to the ear of the court how I have been transformed, and how my transformation hath been washed and cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, and liquor fishermen’s boots with me. I warrant they would whip me with their fine wits till I were as crestfallen as a dried pear. I never prospered since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough, I would repent.

  Enter Mistress Quickly

  Now; whence come you?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY From the two parties, forsooth.

  SIR JOHN The devil take one party, and his dam the other, and so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more for their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy of man’s disposition is able to bear.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY O Lord, sir, and have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant, speciously one of them. Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her.

  SIR JOHN What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow, and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brentford. But that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered me, the knave constable had set me i‘th’ stocks, i’th’ common stocks, for a witch.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber. You shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! Sure one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so crossed.

  SIR JOHN Come up into my chamber. Exeunt 4.6 Enter Master Fenton and the Host of the Garter HOST Master Fenton, talk not to me. My mind is heavy.

  I will give over all.

  FENTON

  Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose,

  And, as I am a gentleman, I’ll give thee

  A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.

  HOST I will hear you, Master Fenton, and I will at the least keep your counsel.

  FENTON

  From time to time I have acquainted you

  With the dear love I bear to fair Anne
Page,

  Who mutually hath answered my affection,

  So far forth as herself might be her chooser,

  Even to my wish. I have a letter from her

  Of such contents as you will wonder at,

  The mirth whereof so larded with my matter

  That neither singly can be manifested

  Without the show of both. Fat Falstaff

  Hath a great scene. The image of the jest

  I’ll show you here at large. Hark, good mine Host.

  Tonight at Herne’s Oak, just ‘twixt twelve and one,

  Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen—

  ⌈Showing the letter⌉

  The purpose why is here—in which disguise,

  While other jests are something rank on foot,

  Her father hath commanded her to slip

  Away with Slender, and with him at Eton

  Immediately to marry. She hath consented.

  Now, sir, her mother, ever strong against that match

  And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed

  That he shall likewise shuffle her away,

  While other sports are tasking of their minds,

  And at the dean’ry, where a priest attends,

  Straight marry her. To this her mother’s plot

  She, seemingly obedient, likewise hath

  Made promise to the Doctor. Now, thus it rests.

  Her father means she shall be all in white;

  And in that habit, when Slender sees his time

  To take her by the hand and bid her go,

  She shall go with him. Her mother hath intended,

  The better to denote her to the Doctor—

  For they must all be masked and visored—

  That quaint in green she shall be loose enrobed,

  With ribbons pendant flaring ’bout her head;

  And when the Doctor spies his vantage ripe,

  To pinch her by the hand, and on that token

  The maid hath given consent to go with him.

  HOST

  Which means she to deceive, father or mother?

  FENTON

  Both, my good Host, to go along with me.

  And here it rests: that you’ll procure the vicar

  To stay for me at church ’twixt twelve and one,

  And, in the lawful name of marrying,

  To give our hearts united ceremony.

  HOST

  Well, husband your device. I’ll to the vicar.

  Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.

  FENTON

  So shall I evermore be bound to thee.

  Besides, I’ll make a present recompense.

  Exeunt ⌈severally⌉

  5.1 Enter Sir John Falstaff and Mistress Quickly

  SIR JOHN Prithee, no more prattling; go; I’ll hold. This is the third time; I hope good luck lies in odd numbers. Away, go! They say there is divinity in odd numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death. Away!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY I’ll provide you a chain, and I’ll do what I can to get you a pair of horns.

  SIR JOHN Away, I say! Time wears. Hold up your head, and mince. Exit Mistress Quickly

  Enter Master Ford, disguised as Brooke

  How now, Master Brooke ? Master Brooke, the matter will be known tonight or never. Be you in the Park about midnight at Herne’s Oak, and you shall see wonders.

  FORD Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me you had appointed?

  SIR JOHN I went to her, Master Brooke, as you see, like a poor old man; but I came from her, Master Brooke, like a poor old woman. That same knave Ford, her husband, hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, Master Brooke, that ever governed frenzy. I will tell you, he beat me grievously in the shape of a woman—for in the shape of man, Master Brooke, I fear not Goliath with a weaver’s beam, because I know also life is a shuttle. I am in haste. Go along with me; I’ll tell you all, Master Brooke. Since I plucked geese, played truant, and whipped top, I knew not what ’twas to be beaten till lately. Follow me. I’ll tell you strange things of this knave Ford, on whom tonight I will be revenged, and I will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow. Strange things in hand, Master Brooke. Follow.

  Exeunt

  5.2 Enter Master Page, justice Shallow, and Master Slender

  PAGE Come, come, we’ll couch i’th’ Castle ditch till we see the light of our fairies. Remember, son Slender, my daughter.

  SLENDER Ay, forsooth. I have spoke with her, and we have a nay-word how to know one another. I come to her in white and cry ‘mum’; she cries ‘budget’; and by that we know one another.

  SHALLOW That’s good, too. But what needs either your ‘mum’ or her ‘budget’? The white will decipher her well enough. (To Page) It hath struck ten o’clock.

  PAGE The night is dark; lights and spirits will become it well. God prosper our sport! No man means evil but the devil, and we shall know him by his horns. Let’s away. Follow me. Exeunt

  5.3 Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and Doctor Caius

  MISTRESS PAGE Master Doctor, my daughter is in green. When you see your time, take her by the hand, away with her to the deanery, and dispatch it quickly. Go before into the Park. We two must go together.

  CAIUS I know vat I have to do. Adieu.

  MISTRESS PAGE Fare you well, sir. Exit Caius

  My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse of

  Falstaff as he will chafe at the doctor’s marrying my

  daughter. But ’tis no matter. Better a little chiding than

  a great deal of heartbreak.

  MISTRESS FORD Where is Nan now, and her troop of fairies, and the Welsh devil Hugh?

  MISTRESS PAGE They are all couched in a pit hard by Herne’s Oak, with obscured lights, which, at the very instant of Falstaff’s and our meeting, they will at once display to the night.

  MISTRESS FORD That cannot choose but amaze him.

  MISTRESS PAGE If he be not amazed, he will be mocked. If he be amazed, he will every way be mocked.

  MISTRESS FORD We’ll betray him finely.

  MISTRESS PAGE

  Against such lewdsters and their lechery

  Those that betray them do no treachery.

  MISTRESS FORD The hour draws on. To the Oak, to the

  Oak I Exeunt

  5.4 Enter Sir Hugh Evans, ⌈Disguised as a satyr,⌉ and ⌈William Page and others⌉ children, disguised as fairies

  EVANS Trib, trib, fairies! Come! And remember your parts. Be pold, I pray you. Follow me into the pit, and when I give the watch’ords, do as I pid you. Come, come; trib, trib! Exeunt

  5.5 Enter Sir John Falstaff, disguised as Herne, ⌈witch horns on his head, and bearing a chain⌉

  SIR JOHN The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the minute draws on. Now the hot-blooded gods assist me! Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa; love set on thy horns. O powerful love, that in some respects makes a beast a man; in some other, a man a beast! You were also, Jupiter, a swan, for the love of Leda. O omnipotent love! How near the god drew to the complexion of a goose ! A fault done first in the form of a beast—O Jove, a beastly fault!—and then another fault in the semblance of a fowl—think on‘t, Jove, a foul fault! When gods have hot backs, what shall poor men do? For me, I am here a Windsor stag, and the fattest, I think, i’th’ forest. Send me a cool rut-time, Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow ?

  Enter Mistress Ford ⌈followed by⌉ Mistress Page

  Who comes here? My doe!

  MISTRESS FORD Sir John! Art thou there, my deer, my male deer?

  SIR JOHN My doe with the black scutt Let the sky rain potatoes, let it thunder to the tune of ‘Greensleeves’, hail kissing-comfits, and snow eringoes; let there come a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me here.

  ⌈He embraces her⌉

  MISTRESS FORD Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart.

  SIR JOHN Divide me like a bribed buck, each a haunch. I will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the fellow of
this walk, and my horns I bequeath your husbands. Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Herne the hunter? Why, now is Cupid a child of conscience; he makes restitution. As I am a true spirit, welcome!

  ⌈A noise within⌉

  MISTRESS PAGE Alas, what noise?

  MISTRESS FORD God forgive our sins!

  SIR JOHN What should this be?

  MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE Away, away!

  Exeunt Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, ⌈running⌉

  SIR JOHN I think the devil will not have me damned, lest the oil that’s in me should set hell on fire. He would never else cross me thus.

  Enter Sir Hugh Evans, ⌈William Page,⌉ and

  children, disguised as before, with tapers; Mistress

  Quickly, disguised as the Fairy Queen; Anne Page,

  disguised as a fairy; and one disguised as

  Hobgoblin

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Fairies black, grey, green, and white,

  You moonshine revellers, and shades of night,

  You orphan heirs of fixèd destiny,

  Attend your office and your quality.—

  Crier hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes.

  ⌈HOBGOBLIN⌉

  Elves, list your names. Silence, you airy toys.

  Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap.

  Where fires thou find’st unraked and hearths unswept,

  There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry.

  Our radiant Queen hates sluts and sluttery.

  SIR JOHN (aside)

  They are fairies. He that speaks to them shall die.

  I’ll wink and couch; no man their works must eye.

  He lies down, and hides his face

  EVANS

  Where’s Bead? Go you, and, where you find a maid