I’d called ole Jaylin a few times to try to explain the Stephon situation, but he blew me off. I knew he wouldn’t trip, but to hear him say, “A dog might get into a little trash sometimes,” it kind of messed me up. I asked if the dog in him was up for dinner, but he hung up on me. I was a little hurt even though I wasn’t expecting him to embrace me with kindness.
Stephon promised to be at my place no later than nine o’clock. When he didn’t show until eleven-thirty that night, I was pissed. I had put the food back in the refrigerator, and I sat on the couch with my arms folded while he tried to explain why he was so late.
“Look, Felicia, I told you I had to work late tonight. A couple of fellas called the shop and told me they needed their hair cut before going to this concert tonight. Since I need the money, I stayed and cut it for them.”
“Well, you could have called. I cooked all this food for you and you didn’t even have the decency to call and tell me you were going to be late. And when I left you a message, you didn’t even call back.”
“I don’t know what else to tell you. I’m answering to you like you’re my woman or something. Let’s get an understanding now, before this shit starts to get out of hand. I don’t answer to no motherfucker! I’ve told you where I’ve been out of the kindness of my heart. But if you don’t believe me, that’s your problem, not mine.” He stood up and got ready to leave.
I grabbed his hand. I didn’t want him to leave without giving me something hot and heavy. “Stephon, I’m sorry. You’re right. You don’t owe me an explanation. I appreciate what you told me, but I get upset when I think about you being with someone else.”
“Well, ain’t no need for you to think about it. I am with someone else—and not just Nokea—so make up your mind about us, because I’m not going to be dealing with this bullshit every time I come over here. Either you’re with it, or you’re not. If you decide to deal with it, then I don’t want to hear anything else about my delays, Nokea, or anything else, all right?”
“Ain’t no trip. You do you and I’ll do me. But don’t get upset with me when I get back to business with some other men who I’ve put on the back burner for you.”
“I never asked you to put anybody on the back burner for me. You did that yourself. So, don’t be mad at me about your own decision.”
“I’m not. I thought it would make things easier for us, that’s all.”
“Naw, baby,” he said, standing and unbuttoning his pants. “Do what you want and with who you want. I ain’t got no control over it.”
Stephon took off the rest of his clothes and undressed me as well. He fucked me good. So good that I realized even though his mouth said he had no control, his dick showed me he did.
After he left at three in the morning, I put on some clothes and took a late night drive by the St. Louis Riverfront. I parked close to the river and laid a blanket on the ground so I could sit and think for a while.
For a sista to have it going on like I did, I was a bit disappointed in myself for settling for less when it came to men. I knew I could have always had one to call my own, so I couldn’t figure out why I had to have somebody else’s man. Paul was the only man I ever had that I could call my own, and I treated him like a pest. I knew if we got together, there would be nothing in the world I couldn’t have—with the exception of a big package. I was smart enough to know a good man when I had one, and going forward, I intended to focus on trying to improve my relationship with Paul. Stephon’s good loving might set me back a few times, but since he had plans to move on with Nokea, it left me with few options.
35
NOKEA
Nobody in the world was happier than I was. I still had my moments of Jaylin withdrawal, but slowly but surely those were fading away. My baby showed me how important it was for me to be there for him. I loved him more than life itself. I wouldn’t let anyone or anything stand in the way of our happiness.
Not even Stephon. I could feel something wasn’t right with him, and when Pat told me she saw him at the Old Spaghetti Factory with another chick, it confirmed my suspicions. He said she worked at the shop with him, but I knew better.
I started having trust issues with Stephon, but didn’t really give our relationship much attention. The only person who needed that kind of attention from me was little Jaylin.
I still planned to marry Stephon because there was no solid evidence that he had lied to me about who the other woman was. And after being with Jaylin for so long, a part of me felt that cheating was in a man’s nature. Sometimes, no matter how hard they tried not to, they just couldn’t be right, even if their lives depended on it. As long as Stephon gave little Jaylin and me what we needed, and he hadn’t brought any chaos to our relationship, I accepted his explanation. Yes, he made a mistake by not telling me about his lunch plans, but I’d made plenty of mistakes too. He’d forgiven me for mine, so how could I not forgive him for his?
When the phone rang, I was rocking LJ to sleep. Mama was supposed to come over and watch him while I went to the gym, but she was late. The call was from Jaylin. I was surprised to hear from him, but it was good to hear his voice.
“Can I come by to see you?” he asked.
“That might not be a good idea.”
“Please. I really need to see you.”
I knew Stephon had told him about the engagement, so I figured I needed to explain my reasoning. “I’ll come to your place. Mama should be here soon, so give me a few hours, okay?”
“All right,” he said and hung up.
I put on my lime green fitted dress that hugged my petite body, which was already back in shape. My hair had really grown since I had the baby, but it was styled with one side short, and the other side long and swooped above my eye. I sprayed my body with perfume. When Mama got there, she could tell I wasn’t headed for the gym.
“Actually, Mama, I’m going to see Jaylin. He called and wanted to talk to me about something.”
“Do you feel comfortable about going to see him?”
“Yes. It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other and we really need to have this discussion.”
Mama didn’t say another word. She gave me a hug and told me she loved me.
I was nervous about going to see Jaylin. My stomach turned in knots and my sweaty palms kept the steering wheel wet. Every time we got together, something always seemed to go wrong. This time, I kept my head up and prayed for God to give me strength.
I rang his doorbell and took deep breaths as I waited for him to answer. He opened the door wearing only his blue jeans with the top button undone. His body was so perfect. I had a vision of rubbing my hands all over his bare chest. When I saw that he wasn’t smiling, though, my heart beat faster.
“Have a seat, Nokea,” he said, leading me into the living room. “Can I get you anything?”
“Yes. Some water. My throat is very dry.” I was testing him because I knew Jaylin never served water. He went into the kitchen and came back with a glass of water in his hand.
“Here,” he said, sitting on the table directly in front of me. “Take your time because you won’t be getting any refills.”
“And why not?” I said, laughing.
“Because I ran out. Besides, there’s something in that water I don’t want anyone to have but you.”
“Oh yeah, and what’s that?” I asked, holding the glass to my lips.
“It’s called love. And since I never knew how to love anyone before, it was hard for me to do. Today, there are so many things I want to tell you, but first I want to tell you I love you. I don’t know what that means to you, but it means a whole hell of a lot to me.”
I uncrossed my legs and put the glass of water on the table next to him. He took my hands and held them together with his.
“I want my son, Nokea. I want him in my life twenty-four /seven. Not only that, but I want my woman back.”
I couldn’t believe the words that were coming from Jaylin’s mouth. Just to hear him say tha
t he loved me released a lot of pressure that was inside of me. I’d waited years to hear those words, and I tried hard to fight my emotions.
His timing couldn’t have been more off.
“What about your other women? What about Stephon? I can’t turn my back on him after all he’s done for me. I’m finally happy, and he’s part of the reason why. Things can’t just happen when you want them to.”
“I know, but there aren’t any more women. The only person I’ve been chilling with for a while is Scorpio. I realized that I couldn’t ignore my feelings for you, and using her to help me cope with my situation wasn’t fair. A few weeks ago, we decided that she would move out. I bought her a condo, had my interior decorator hook it up for her, and we’re trying to move on. I won’t lie to you and say that we’ve stopped having sex, because sometimes we do. But she and Mackenzie are all that I have right now.
“I love Mackenzie with all my heart, and she visits me twice during the week and spends the night here on the weekends. Right now, I’m going through the channels to adopt her. But it’s still not enough, especially since I know I have a son now.
“You can’t lie to me anymore, Nokea. I know that the baby you had is mine. I saw so for myself.” Jaylin was almost in tears, and so was I.
“He is yours, but I—”
“Don’t say a word. Let me show you something.”
He led me up the steps and took me to one of the guest rooms he’d converted into a baby’s room. It was to die for—better than the room I had for the baby at home. It was blue, yellow and white. The walls were painted with white clouds and had yellow birds drawn on them like they flew around the room. The crib was round, with a sheer blue canopy above it that draped to the floor. It was white and matched the dresser and the changing table that had light blue handles on them. The closet was filled with baby clothes: T-shirts, pants, jogging suits, and tennis shoes. Like LJ was really going to be able to wear all these things.
I was taken aback by the room, and observed it in tears. When I looked in the baby’s bed and saw the teddy bear Jaylin and I had exchanged on our birthdays, I lowered my head. Jaylin came over and held my waist from behind.
“I feel you, baby. I know exactly how you feel.” He turned me to face him. “Tell me, do you still love me?”
I wanted to scream “yes” at the top of my lungs, but I knew that revealing my feelings would be a big mistake. Jaylin would take my words and run with them, and Stephon would be left brokenhearted. I was confused and needed to speak with Stephon before I told Jaylin how I really felt.
“Jaylin, I can’t answer that. I’m confused right now. I...I don’t know how I feel. I need to go—”
He pulled me closer to him. “Then don’t answer me right now. Just let me make love to you today. I know it hasn’t been that long since you’ve had the baby, but I promise you this will feel different. It will be everything you always wanted it to be, and I’ll show you nothing but love. And if you don’t feel my love, then you leave here and go marry Stephon. I won’t interfere with your relationship with him anymore.”
I shook my head. “I ...I do still love you, but I don’t know if making love to you is going to solve my problems. I don’t know if it’s going to answer all these questions I have. In fact, I think it’s going to complicate things more if—”
He put his fingers over my lips, and then took my hand and escorted me to his bedroom. He pulled my dress over my head and smiled at my naked body. At that moment, I wanted Jaylin just as much as he wanted me. Maybe even more. I eased back on the bed and watched as Jaylin removed his jeans. He got on the bed and held himself up over me.
“Don’t think about anything else right now but me. Clear your mind right now, and think about how good I’m going to feel inside of you.”
I got a jump start and stroked his dick as he circled his tongue around my nipples. He pressed my breasts close together and massaged them. When he went down and licked my navel, I ran my fingers through his wet, curly hair.
I couldn’t wait for his tongue to enter me, and when it did, it caused a high arch in my back. My legs trembled, and I felt my insides vibrate. A tear rolled from the corner of my eye. The love he had for me was truly being displayed.
“I’m so sorry for causing you any hurt,” I said. “You have to know that I never, ever stopped loving you.”
Jaylin kept working between my legs, and I put my hand down there to stop him.
“I don’t want to come like this. Give me what I really want and I’ll come as much as you want me to.”
Jaylin licked my taste from his lips and placed my legs on his shoulders. He went inside and worked me in a smooth, circular motion. My eyes shut, and I sucked on my bottom lip from the feeling. It had never felt like this before, and I came quickly. He turned me on my stomach, and a few minutes later, I came again. His hands rubbed almost every part of my body, and as I gave him a ride, his thickness rubbed against my clit.
I was on the verge on coming again, but Jaylin hadn’t come yet, and I wanted to satisfy him as well. I lowered myself, but he stopped me.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing. I’m just loving the feel of you, and I didn’t realize how good you look from the back.”
I took that as a hint and a compliment, and turned my backside to Jaylin. He lay on me and nibbled on my ear.
“That tickles,” I said, moving my head so he would stop.
“Oh, I plan to make it tickle. But you aren’t going to want me to stop.”
He held himself up with his strong arms and rolled his tongue down my back. After he kissed my butt cheeks and massaged them with his hands, he reached underneath me and fondled my clit while inserting himself back inside. The only thing I could do was lay my head on his pillow and somehow prevent myself from trying to pull out my hair.
Minutes later, we released our energy together, and he continued to kiss the back of my neck.
“I love you, I love you, I love you,” he repeated, and then turned me to face him.
I held his face with my hands. “You have no idea how good I’m feeling right now, but where do we go from here? Do we now just say to hell with everybody who’s been there for us? Do I go home and tell my parents I’ve changed my mind, I’m not marrying Stephon?”
Jaylin rubbed his nose against mine and kissed my forehead.
“You don’t tell anybody anything,” he whispered. “You go home and hold our son in your arms and think about what’s best for him. You think about who you want in your future. Think about where your heart truly is and where it’s always been. And when you get your answer, you come over here again so I can make love to you like I just did and we can talk about putting our relationship back together.
“If there is any doubt in your mind, I want you to be honest with yourself. I don’t want you to have any regrets. I would rather you stay with Stephon if you think I can’t be everything you want me to be.
“The last time I told you to go home and think about it, I didn’t give you time to think. I decided for you, and I quickly moved on. This time, I’m not. If you want to be with me, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere until I hear from you.”
I nodded. “Just give me some time, okay?”
We got out of bed and took a shower. As he washed me, the thought of him being with Scorpio was in my mind. I wouldn’t doubt if the thought of me being with Stephon had crossed his as well. But in an effort to clear my thoughts, I asked Jaylin to make love to me again. He honored my request.
Jaylin sat in bed and watched reruns of Good Times as I put on my clothes and got ready to go. He said Scorpio was on her way to bring Mackenzie over for the night, so I hurried as fast as I could. She was the last person I wanted to see. She had a way of making me feel insecure. I really felt none of this would have happened if she had never met Jaylin. But the more I thought about it, I realized someone else probably would have interfered.
Jaylin walked me to the door and kissed me good-
bye. No sooner had I got in my car than Scorpio pulled up. Surprisingly, she spoke to me. I responded politely. She really was an attractive woman, and I knew Jaylin had to have a difficult time keeping his hands off her. As much as he claimed to love me now, a part of me knew she would remain in the picture no matter what.
I watched Mackenzie run up to Jaylin. He picked her up and was all smiles. As he waved good-bye to me, she waved with him. I waved back and swallowed the lump in my throat. I really knew that no matter how hard I tried, this just wasn’t going to work out.
As I drove away, Luther sang on the radio “I’d Rather.” I listened as he said he’d rather have bad times with the one he loved than good times with someone else. I didn’t quite know why, but I definitely understood his message.
36
JAYLIN
I could see the hurt on Scorpio’s face when Nokea pulled off. And when she went up to my room and saw the bed all messed up, she sat on the chaise and held her temples with the tips of her fingers.
“So, is it over between us, Jaylin? Is this as far as we go?” she asked.
I went over to the bed and sat in front of her. “For the most part, it is. But I don’t want you to ever think you didn’t mean anything to me. These past months with you have been the most exciting time in my life. You’ve taught me a lot—more than I thought you would when I met you. I was in it for one thing and you knew it. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would come out of this with a daughter who I love with all of my heart—and with so much respect for you. So, don’t walk away from this feeling empty-handed. If there’s anything, and I mean anything, I can do for you, I will.”
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