Scorpio sighed and moved her head from side to side. “I never wanted anything from you but for you to love me. I was so sure we were moving in the right direction, and I’m not giving up on you that easily. I was always taught to fight for what I wanted, and I intend to do just that.”
“Baby, I’m in love with someone else. I don’t know what good fighting is going to do you when my heart is with her. I’m just telling you this because I don’t want to see you continuing to hurt yourself over something that will never be. Besides, I want my little girl growing up with a mother who is sure of herself. One who knows she shouldn’t fight a battle that can’t be won. Don’t make her suffer through watching us tear each other apart because we can’t get along, okay?” I handed Scorpio the Kleenex box on my nightstand and she wiped her watery eyes.
“So, what about just last week? You made love to me like you wanted to be with me forever. You can’t tell me you were thinking about her when that was happening. You seemed to be right there with me. Am I wrong?”
“No, I was there. I’m always there, but . . . but there comes a time when sex just ain’t everything. I know coming from me you might not believe that, but I’m at a point in my life when I want more than just sex. And I can’t get that from you. Not to say you’re not good enough, but there are some things that, over time, I know only Nokea can give me.”
“See, Jaylin, this is all messed up, because I know you. You’re saying these things today, but tomorrow you’ll have a new attitude. You’ll come over to my place and strip me naked, convince me to make love to you, and be right back there again two days later.
“In the meantime, what do you want me to do? I love you and I don’t want to deny you. I can tell you no all I want, but we both know I’m going to give in to you. How can I not set myself up for disappointment when I know this is going to happen?”
“I’m not going to deny what you’re saying, because you’re right. But I’m going to need you to stand your ground. Depending on what Nokea decides, the future might be different for me. I probably will be knocking at your door some lonely nights, but be woman enough to stop me, especially since I’ve told you where things stand.
“The harder you make things for me, the easier you’re going to make things for yourself. I have a sexual passion for you that I’ve never had for any other woman. Including Nokea. But the love I have for her goes deeper than that. I admit that the passion we have for each other may send me your way again, but you know where my heart is, because I’ve told you.”
Scorpio went into the bathroom and splashed water on her face. She looked at the shower that still dripped from my recent encounter with Nokea. I didn’t like myself right about now because I’d for damn sure hurt too many women. I always thought it was about me, and felt bad for not recognizing their needs and feelings too.
I tried to make Scorpio laugh before she left by playing Twister with her and Mackenzie. Scorpio seemed out of it, and I saw her biting her nails. I knew she was hurt, and I was glad she agreed to remain friends. When she got ready to leave, I gave her a hug and patted her ass.
“If you decide to give yourself to someone else, don’t let him get it from behind, because that’s my place,” I said, laughing.
She found no humor in my words. She gave me a blank stare. “See, Jaylin. That’s what I’m talking about. Don’t be saying things like that when you know the only person I want behind me is you.”
“I’m sorry. I just wanted to see a big, bright smile before you left.”
She gave me a fake grin and showed her pearly whites. We both laughed and rocked back and forth with a tight hug.
“Thank you for being you,” I whispered in her ear.
“Anytime,” she said and walked out the door.
The next several weeks were hell. I was sure I’d hear from Nokea, but she never called. Didn’t come by either. I promised myself I would give her time to think about what she wanted to do; however, when Stephon called and asked again about being his best man, I knew the wedding was still on. I made it clear that it wasn’t in my best interests to be there for him like that. When he mentioned they’d made plans for their honeymoon, my heart ached. I wasn’t about to tell him how hurt I really was, and continued our conversation like I wasn’t even tripping.
After our conversation was finished, I got back on the phone and called Scorpio. She’d made herself available to me whenever I called. And when she did try to tell me no, I went to her place anyway. I had a key to let myself in, and fucked her like fucking was going out of style. Couldn’t help myself.
Nokea didn’t even have the decency to call and tell me she’d made her decision. That really fucked me up. Tore me apart. I couldn’t concentrate on anything but the last time we were together. She had to know how deep my love for her was. If not, she had to feel it.
I went into my son’s room and looked around. He was growing fast, but he didn’t even know I existed. He’d never spent one fucking night with me, and if it were left up to Stephon and Nokea, he never would. Stephon promised he wouldn’t keep him from knowing who his real father was, but every time I talked about bringing LJ over to see me, Stephon always made excuses. If he did bring him by, they only stayed for a few minutes then he said they had to go.
The only reason I hadn’t interfered was because I gave Nokea my word that I would allow her time to make her decision. It looked as if she’d already made it. I just truly wished it had been different.
37
JAYLIN
A week before the wedding, I had mentally prepared myself for it. Everything else in my life was going smoothly. The market was on its way back up and my adoption of Mackenzie had gone every bit of my way. I spent every moment I had with her, and tried to ease some of the pain I felt. Without a doubt, she helped me cope very well. I’d even changed the baby’s room back into a guest room. Gave all his clothes to charity and sold his furniture to my neighbor who was pregnant.
Nokea never did call, and I made no attempts to call her. It was obvious who she wanted to be with, so I left things as they were. Scorpio didn’t lie, though; she wasn’t giving up on me. She did everything in her power to win me over. Even had Mackenzie begging me to get back together with her. But even though Nokea had moved on with her life, I still wasn’t ready for the type of relationship Scorpio wanted.
One thing that fucked me up was that, according to Stephon, he still saw Felicia and screwed around with his ex-girlfriend. And if that wasn’t bad enough, he planned to get up on this new chick that started working with him several weeks ago. So, Nokea really had her work cut out for her if she planned on marrying him.
Me, I pretty much chilled. I was down to fucking Scorpio about twice a week and that was it. That was good for us, considering the fact it used to be twice a day. I’d met a few other ladies from time to time, but wasn’t nothing but phone conversations going on. I hadn’t invited anyone over yet, and I wouldn’t until I knew for myself this marriage was actually going to happen.
The night of Stephon’s bachelor party was like any other night to me. He’d invited me and so did our other boys, but again, I told everyone that I didn’t want to have anything to do with his marriage to Nokea. Stephon called during his party and mentioned all the fly women and fun they were having. I wasn’t in the mood, so I told him to knock one out for me and hung up.
I lay my head back on the pillow, tired of flipping from channel to channel, when the phone rang. When I heard Nokea’s voice, I quickly sat up on my bed.
“Jaylin, I’m sorry I haven’t called you until now, but I felt this was the only way for me to figure out what I really wanted to do. I had to give Stephon at least six months to show me how much he wants this, and he’s worked hard at proving himself. And even though I know there’s a possibility he could be with someone else, I truly don’t believe it’s going to be any different with you. You told me if I had any doubts, to marry him, so...so that’s what I’m going to do.”
I had
finally heard it straight from her mouth. I cleared my achy throat.
“So, have you prepared yourself for the storm? It’s headed your way. And it’s nothing like what I did to you either. It’s worse.” She didn’t respond. “My storm is over. I’m not saying I’ve been celibate, but it’s been different since I’ve been in love with you.” I could hear her sniffles on the other end of the phone.
“Stop torturing yourself and let this happen with us, Nokea. I won’t get another chance to ask you before the wedding tomorrow, but think about it. Close your pretty eyes tonight and think about us—”
She hung up the damn phone on me. As I sat for a moment and thought about why, she called back.
“Hey,” she said, sniffling. “I love you.”
“Right back at you,” was all I could say before she hung up again.
I turned on the radio to listen to the Quiet Storm. The lights were off, and I lay in bed with my eyes closed and one hand resting on my chest. I hoped that Nokea realized how much I loved her. As Gerald Levert sang “Made to Love Ya,” the words to the song took effect and tears welled in my eyes. My heart felt like somebody was squeezing it in their hands and wouldn’t let go. To help ease my pain, I reached into my drawer, pulled out a picture of Nokea, and laid it in bed next to me. I couldn’t really see her picture in the dark, but I rolled my fingertips around it thinking that I could feel her and wishing I could have her in my bed forever. I fell asleep hoping she’d do the right thing the next day.
While I was in a deep sleep, Mama stared down at me and smiled. She told me to go get my woman and my son, and told me to never lose them again. When I reached out to touch her, Aunt Betty touched my hand and told me it was too late for me. Said that Stephon was the one for Nokea and I didn’t deserve her. As I started to dispute that with her, they both faded and I woke up.
The sunlight beamed through my room, and I sat up on the edge of the bed with my face resting in my hands. I wiped my hand down my face and got out of bed to prepare myself for a long day. I went back and forth about attending this wedding, and came to the conclusion that we all needed closure. I had to go, just to see if Nokea would truly go through with it. If I were there, it might be the perfect time for her to realize what a big mistake this was and come to her senses.
I was running late for the wedding messing around with Mackenzie. She acted like she was the one getting married. We dressed alike in our cream-colored outfits; mine a suit and hers a dress. We accented the cream with royal blue because that’s what she wanted. But when I tied the bow around her waistline, she insisted it didn’t look right.
She pouted all the way there because I wouldn’t stop by the store and get her a new color. Once again, I reminded her of our previous conversation and she perked up.
Mackenzie and I sat in the last pew of the church because I really didn’t want to be seen; however, Stephon spotted me and came over to take a seat.
“Thanks, man. Thanks for coming. I know how hard this is for you, but you always had my back when I needed you to—even when you refused to be my best man. It was foolish of me to ask, knowing how you felt. I just hope after today, this will all be over and we can go on being like brothers again. I miss kicking it with you, dog, talking about the ladies. ...You missed a live party last night. I’ll tell you all about it, but now ain’t the time. You can’t tell me you don’t miss us kicking it, Jay, and—”
“Of course I do,” I said, interrupting his bullshit talk. “After today, I’ll be fine. I came here not only for you but for me as well. I need closure. I need to put this shit behind me and get on with my life. Today, after I see how happy you and Nokea are going to be, then maybe I’ll be able to do that. So, go do your thang, man. Don’t let me stop you.”
Stephon smiled. “You don’t know what it means to have your support. And Nokea and me are going to be very happy. She’s made her choice, Jay, and all we can do is accept it.”
It was a good thing that Mackenzie was by my side because this would have been the perfect opportunity for me to knock the shit out of Stephon. Instead, I reached for his hand and shook it. “Good luck. I hope everything works out for you.”
“Likewise,” he said and then made his way to the altar.
I looked at the front pew and saw Nokea’s mother holding my baby. I wanted to at least hold him, but I was sure the last person her mother wanted to see right about now was me. So, Mackenzie held her arm around mine and held it tight. It was as if she could feel the pressure I was under and was acting as my support system.
When the music started, I took a deep breath and watched as the bridesmaids started making their way down the aisle. The maid of honor came in, and I knew it was just about Nokea’s time. The slower the maid of honor walked, the better off I was, but it seemed like the music was on fast forward, and then the pianist broke out with “Here Comes the Motherfucking Bride.”
I dropped my head. I couldn’t even stand up to watch Nokea as she walked down the aisle. Mackenzie stood up because everybody else had, and she claimed the bride was the most beautiful person she’d ever seen. I finally stood up and straightened my jacket.
When Nokea turned the corner right by my pew, she looked at me with her eyes filled with water. Mine were filled too, but I nodded and gave her the go-ahead. She cracked a tiny smile and slightly nodded back.
As she got closer and closer to the altar, I looked at Stephon. He was all smiles. Definitely knew he was getting a jewel. He’d promised me he would make her happy. Did I believe him? Hell no, and I had to do something about it.
When Nokea made it to the altar, everybody took a seat. The minister prepared for the exchanging of vows. But before he did, he asked if there was anyone who knew any reason why these two should not be joined together in holy matrimony. “Speak now, or forever hold your peace,” he said.
I dropped my head again, covered my face with my hands, and then watched my legs as they trembled. I knew damn well that this was something I couldn’t let happen. I knew that Nokea loved me. If I put her on the spot, she’d have to come to her senses and do the right thing.
I cleared my clogged throat and stood up. I stepped into the aisle and watched as many heads turned to me. Mackenzie grabbed the back of my jacket and asked where I was going. I touched her soft cheek and whispered, “I always told you you’d be the first to know, baby. Daddy’s going to get married.”
As I proceeded down the aisle, I could feel Mackenzie close behind me. Everybody watched and whispered. I stood at the altar with my hands behind my back. The entire church was in disbelief. I looked directly at the minister.
“I, uh—” I cleared my throat again. “I don’t mean you any disrespect, sir, but I have love for this woman who stands before you today.”
I held out my hand for Nokea to take it and looked into her big brown eyes. “If love for me is not a good reason to stop this wedding, then I don’t know what is.” I continued to hold out my hand for Nokea.
Stephon’s mouth was wide open, and Nokea’s father looked like he wanted to tear me apart. Nokea, though, forced out a tiny smile as she dropped her bouquet on the floor....
Later that night, I stood looking over my balcony, drinking a glass of wine. My eyes searched the stars as a south wind blew, and I lifted my glass to Mama. Nokea had made her choice, and now I’d made one. I’d come to realize how important it is to treasure the one you love, and I now knew how easily a good thing can slip away. I tilted my wine glass upside down, poured some of the wine over the balcony for the people who weren’t with me, and thought about where I’d go from here.
A tear rolled down my face while I stared at the curvaceous silhouette lying sideways in my bed. She was my rock. From the day I met her, she had always been in my corner, and she was my shoulder to cry on. She put up with my attitude, and had loved me during the times I felt as if I had no direction and didn’t love myself. I looked at her in bed, swallowed the huge lump in my throat and thought... is this really what I want?<
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Naughty: Two’s Enough, Three’s a Crowd copyright © 2009 Brenda Hampton
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