A Voice in the Wind

by Francine Rivers

  Marcus hadn’t realized his father was so aware of his private affairs, nor that he was willing to discuss them openly before Mother. “Thank you, but no. I want nothing more to do with her.”

  “Do as you wish,” he told Phoebe. She rose and left the room.

  Father and son looked at one another. Marcus’ mouth tightened. “Bithia came to my room of her own volition the first time.”

  “I’m sure she did, but I doubt Hadassah will ever behave in the same manner.”

  Marcus stiffened, his eyes flashing. “Meaning what?”

  “You know very well what I mean,” he said. He sighed again. “Julia returned her to us—”

  “Because Urbanus dislikes prudish Jews,” Marcus interrupted with sarcasm.

  Decimus’ eyebrows flickered, but he made no comment to that surprising disclosure. He had wondered why Hadassah had been sent back. “I seem to remember your having similar reservations when your mother bought her. You said she might hold a grudge against all Romans. You also said she was ugly, as I remember.” It was clear Marcus didn’t like being reminded. Decimus smiled tightly. “The fact is, Julia has returned her, and Hadassah is now beneath my protection.”

  Marcus laughed at the amazing declaration. “And you want me to keep my hands off of her,” he said, attempting humor but failing to conceal the edge in his voice.

  Decimus said nothing for a moment, his gaze steady and coolly assessing. “Your emotions are running high over her,” he said and saw that his choice of words discomforted Marcus even more. “I don’t believe you’ve used Hadassah.” He raised his brow, half in question.

  “No,” Marcus said firmly. “I haven’t used her, Father.” It was a disquieting choice of words. “I’ve never forced a woman to do my will.”

  “There are other means of force besides physical, as well you know. You are master; she is slave. Your mother has never approved of your dalliance with Bithia or the others you had before her. And frankly, I never thought much about it before now. You’re young and vital, Marcus. Women have always been attracted to you. It seemed only natural that you’d take your pleasure.”

  He rose from his curule chair and stepped down from the dais to stand before his son. “But this girl is different.” He shook his head, still amazed and perplexed. “After all Hadassah has been through, she gives everything she has to a Roman woman, the mother of a legionnaire.” He shook his head again and let out a soft breath.

  He looked at Marcus. “Hadassah isn’t like the others, Marcus. She’s not like anyone we’ve ever owned before.” She was not like anyone he had ever known.

  Reaching out, Decimus gripped Marcus’ arm, at once commanding and appealing. “Take your pleasure with the others, but leave this girl alone.”

  After his father had left the room, Marcus sat on the edge of the dais and raked a hand back through his hair. He had made no promises.

  How could he when Hadassah was all he thought about?

  Chapter 19

  Julia shook as she spoke with Calabah. Calabah always understood. She always listened and gave suggestions that she could try. She agreed with her and showed compassion. Julia trusted her enough to tell her everything that was happening in her marriage. There was no one else she could talk to about Caius and his increasingly cruel and bizarre demands.

  “He slapped me again last night.” She put her fingers against the tender spot on her cheekbone. She tipped her chin slightly to show off the swelling. “Can you see? Right here. I’ve become quite skillful with makeup in the last few months.” Her mouth trembled. “Calabah, all I said was ‘Did you have luck at the races?’ and he shouted the most horrible obscenities at me and blamed me because he lost. He said I bring him luck when I’m there and it was because I stayed home that he lost. I was feeling ill. It wasn’t my fault. He frightened me and I tried to leave the room, but he grabbed me and swung me around and hit me. He said no one ever turns his back on Caius Polonius Urbanus.”

  Calabah took her hand and patted it. “It’s your right to know what he’s doing with the money from your estate, Julia.”

  “Not according to him. And my father would agree with him.” Her eyes welled up with tears. “After all,” she said bitterly, “I’m only a woman, a possession to be used.” Biting her lip, she looked away and regained some control over her emotions. “Sometimes I tremble when he looks at me because I still love him so much. He makes me feel things that are so heavenly, Calabah, the way he touches me and kisses me. Then at other times, I’m afraid, so afraid I want to run away from him.” She looked at Calabah, her dark eyes wide and troubled. “Caius is always so wild after the games. He hurts me, Calabah, and he seems to enjoy it. He makes me do things I don’t want to do.” She lowered her head, embarrassed and tearful.

  Calabah tipped her chin up. “You can tell me anything.” She smiled with tender amusement. “I don’t shock easily, Julia. I’ve seen and done too much in my own life to be surprised by anything in yours.” She frowned as she lightly traced the swelling on Julia’s cheek. “A little rough play is one thing, but he’s a beast to hurt you like this.” She rose from the couch. “I’ll get you some wine.”

  Julia relaxed slightly. Calabah was always so understanding. Julia couldn’t go to anyone else. She couldn’t tell Marcus anything about Caius because the two men already disliked one another. Marcus would be furious if he knew Caius had ever hit her. A confrontation would undoubtedly make matters worse. She couldn’t talk with her mother, either. She didn’t want to talk to her. Mother would be horrified to know the dark direction of Caius’ appetites, if she even believed it. She was too innocent. Julia didn’t expect her father to help her, either. Whatever Caius did, Father would deem it her fault. He would say something like, “What did you do to bring this upon yourself?”

  Tears welled again and spilled down her cheeks. Calabah wouldn’t like her being so weak. She wiped her face quickly as she saw her returning.

  “I don’t know what I would do without you, Calabah. I’ve no one else I can talk to.”

  “You’ll never have to do without me, and you know you’re always welcome here.” Calabah smiled and handed her a silver goblet. “I put some herbs into the wine to calm your nerves.” Her expression lighted with rueful amusement. “You needn’t look so uncertain, Julia. It’s nothing that’ll harm you. Drink up.” She put her finger beneath the goblet and tipped it slightly. “Drink and feel better.”

  Julia drank deeply, wanting to be at peace. The drugged wine took effect quickly and she sighed, the tension going out of her.

  “That’s better, isn’t it?” Calabah said, sitting beside her again. “Now, tell me everything Caius has done to you. Every little detail. Perhaps I can offer some advice.”

  Julia told her everything. The words came pouring out of her like the lancing of a boil. She told Calabah every disgusting, cruel act, and was satisfied to see anger burning in her friend’s eyes. Anger began to burn in the pit of her stomach as well. Caius had no right to treat her this way. She had learned fairly quickly that his show of riches was an act and that her estate had changed his circumstances. It was her wealth through Claudius on which they lived. Caius should be grateful! He should treat her with respect.

  “I’m ill each morning when I get up just thinking about what he might do to me.”

  “And you say you still love him?” Calabah said.

  Julia closed her eyes and lowered her head, ashamed. “Yes,” she admitted softly. “That’s what’s so terrible about it all. I love him so much. When he walks into a room, my heart, oh, my heart . . . ”

  “Even when he treats you like this?”

  “He isn’t always cruel. Sometimes he’s the way he was in the beginning. Oh, Calabah, he can make me feel as though I’m flying through the heavens,” she said. She wanted her friend to understand.

  Calabah did. She knew Caius very well. She knew Julia even better. They were both selfish and passionate. Right now, the excitement of their relationship
was keeping them together, but it wouldn’t be long before their discontent with one another would lead them to seek excitement elsewhere.

  Caius was already wandering, though Julia wasn’t aware of it. Six months into the marriage, he had spent several hours relieving his darker passions on an unfortunate prostitute from an exclusive brothel. Calabah had heard of it from Caius’ own lips. He had described what he did in detail, expecting her to be titillated and entertained. In fact, she was disgusted, though she didn’t show it. He said he used a harlot because he didn’t want to hurt his wife, that he loved Julia and didn’t want his other nature to get out of control. Calabah encouraged his clandestine visits and she encouraged him to talk for one reason: Julia.

  If she were to tell Julia now of Caius’ infidelity, it would shatter Julia’s confidence. Calabah didn’t want to see that happen. Better to leave their relationship alone and allow things to develop naturally and let Caius destroy her love instead. Eventually, Caius would become less discreet in his affairs. Eventually, he would boast of his amorous exploits.

  Perhaps, before that time, she would drop a few hints for some well-meaning friend like Octavia to overhear. Octavia was petty and jealous. She would gloat over his infidelity and no doubt take pleasure in telling Julia that Caius was seeking the company of other women. Julia would hate her for it, but she would be wiser more quickly.

  But, until Julia was fully aware of Caius’ foul nature, Calabah wanted to protect her from serious harm.

  “You mustn’t antagonize Caius or rouse his vile temper, Julia,” she said. “It’s foolish to ask questions. You’ve learned already it infuriates him. Never confront him. Find other means of learning what you need to know about what he’s doing with his time and your money.”

  “You mean have spies?”

  “Spies,” Calabah said mockingly. “How dreadful you make it sound. I prefer to think of them as friends who, for a few sesterces, are willing to look out for your interests.”

  “I don’t know,” Julia said, frowning.

  “Just a thought,” Calabah said and changed the subject. The seed was planted and would take root in time. Caius’ abhorrent behavior would see to it. Distrust was a breeding ground that needed tilling before other things could be planted and given time to grow. The harvest would be well worth her patience. She patted Julia’s thigh maternally. “Take what you need from me, Julia, and forget all the rest. I love you as you are and wouldn’t change you for the world. I admit not all my suggestions are appropriate to your situation, but it hurts me to know you’re in such pain.”

  Julia relaxed beneath Calabah’s assurances and finished her wine. She felt deliciously content, though sometimes she became vaguely uncomfortable beneath Calabah’s unblinking stare. “I’m tired,” she said. “I’m tired all the time lately.”

  “Poor dear. Lie back and rest.”

  “I should go home,” Julia said dreamily. “We’re going out this evening.”

  Calabah ran her fingertips over Julia’s pale smooth brow. “Do you want to go out?”

  “I don’t care,” Julia said, her eyes drifting closed. “I just want to sleep . . . ”

  “Then do so, sweet child. Do whatever you want.”

  Julia dreamed Hadassah was stroking her brow and singing songs to her about her strange god. No one served her as well as the little Jewess. She missed her serene presence and her tender care. She missed her stories and songs. Hadassah had always anticipated her needs, while Caius’ slaves had to be commanded. Even in her dream, his slaves stood staring at her with cold, unblinking snakelike eyes, eyes that looked familiar and disturbing. Eyes like Calabah’s.

  Calabah awakened her late in the afternoon. “I’ve a sedan chair waiting to take you home,” she said. “You mustn’t be late.”

  But it was already too late.

  When Julia arrived, Caius was waiting for her, angry and suspicious, his mind having created all manner of scenarios to rouse his jealousy. “Where have you been?” His heart beat rapidly and he could feel the rage growing within him—though whether it was at Julia or himself, he couldn’t tell. Why had he allowed his temper to get out of control last night? He couldn’t forget the look in her eyes after he had slapped her. What if she left him? “Who have you been with all afternoon?”

  “I’ve been visiting with Calabah,” Julia said, straining away at his touch. “You’re hurting me!”

  Caius let go of her immediately. “Calabah,” he said, wondering what Julia had heard from her. His eyes narrowed.

  “We had some wine and I slept for a while.” She flinched as he reached out again, but when he touched her this time, he was gentle.

  “I was afraid you’d left me,” he said. He tipped her face up and turned it to one side. Caius knew she had been crying. Her eyes were slightly puffy and her makeup was washed away by tears. Even so, she was beautiful. He looked at the mark on her cheekbone and grimaced. He had never meant to hurt her. Sometimes, it was as though some beast within him took control and made him lash out at the things he prized most. “I’m sorry about last night.” Tears filled her brown eyes and he felt even worse. “I love you, Julia. I swear it by all the gods. If you don’t forgive me, I’ll go mad . . . ”

  He kissed her and felt her resistance. He grew desperate. “I love you, I love you so much,” he whispered and kissed her again the way she liked. After a long moment, she began to melt into him, and his sense of power returned along with a wave of pleasure. He still owned her as long as he could arouse her passions. Eros always reigned with Julia, as it did with him. They were so much alike. He caught her up in his arms, his blood pounding. “I’ll make it up to you.”

  She loved Caius when he was like this, his passion focused on pleasing her. It was only when their lovemaking was over that the feeling of emptiness came upon her again, pulling her down into a pit of depression. If only all the pleasurable sensations lasted.

  Caius, however, standing across the room now, was content. He knew how much she needed him, how she watched him. He knew she loved to look at him—another confirmation of the power he held over her.

  His mouth tipped with a teasing smile and he moved to kiss her. “I love it when you look at me like that, as though I’m a god,” he said, gazing at her as though she were a prized possession.

  Julia hid her irritation at his conceit. “Do we have to go out tonight? Antigonus can be such a bore.”

  Caius put on his tunic. “True enough, but he’s useful.”

  “Marcus thinks he’s a fool.”

  “I thought they were friends.”

  “They are, but that doesn’t mean Marcus isn’t aware of Antigonus’ many faults. All he can ever talk about is politics or his lack of money.”

  “Spend the evening with Arria. You like her.”

  “She’s always asking questions about Marcus. She’s become tedious and pathetic.”

  “Arria is a woman of remarkable talents. I’m amazed Marcus lost interest in her.” He turned and saw Julia’s expression. He laughed at her. “You needn’t look at me like that. I’ve only heard from others, not found out for myself.”

  “But you want to?”

  He came over and bent down to tease her. “Not as long as you continue to please me,” he said and noticed the bruise on her cheek. He straightened, frowning slightly. Marcus wasn’t coming tonight, but if Antigonus noticed the mark on her cheek, he’d tell him. Marcus could cause all manner of trouble if he wanted, and there was trouble enough already. “You look tired,” he said. “Stay home and rest.”

  Julia warmed at his solicitous concern, but his remarks about Arria were still fresh in her mind. “I am tired, but perhaps I should go.”

  He kissed her again, lightly this time. “No. I’ll suffer the evening without your company and tell Antigonus you’re visiting your parents.”

  Julia sat up and pushed her long tangled hair back over her shoulders. “It has been weeks since I’ve seen them. Perhaps I’ll go tomorrow.”

/>   “Rest a day or two, and then go,” he said. “You look worn out. I wouldn’t want them getting any wrong ideas about the way we live.” Nor seeing the bruise he had put on her.

  He was in such an agreeable mood, Julia decided to risk more. “I want to bring Hadassah back with me after I see them.”

  “Hadassah?” he said blankly. “Who’s Hadassah?”

  “The slave mother gave me.”

  “What’s the matter with the slaves you have?”

  If she said they failed to serve her, he would probably bring them in now and beat them in front of her, and she didn’t want that. “Hadassah always anticipated my needs. I’ve never had a maid who could do that except her.”

  His countenance darkened. “You’re talking about the little Jew, aren’t you? You know I don’t like Jews. They’re prudish. They put too much importance on purity.”

  “Her religion never got in the way of her serving me. And as for purity, I used to send her to Claudius.”

  Caius glanced back at her in surprise. “He wanted her? As I remember, she’s ugly.”

  “Well,” she said, seeing her lie wouldn’t be convincing, “Claudius wasn’t interested in her that way. He wanted to talk.”

  Caius laughed. “That’s what happens when you marry an impotent old man.”

  His laughter grated and Julia wished she hadn’t mentioned Claudius. Her first marriage amused Caius. At one of the first feasts they attended together, he had told his friends her entire personal history, humorously, as though it were an entertaining tale—she, Youthful Beauty, forced to wed Foolish Old Age. Caius wove a hilarious tale for his friends of an impotent old man pursuing a ripe young maiden through the countryside and never quite catching up to her, until he finally broke his neck in the attempt.

  At first, Caius’ tale had taken away the guilt and made the marriage seem as utterly ridiculous as one of the farces they saw at a theater. After a while, however, the amusement wore away with the retelling. Now, each time he mocked Claudius, Julia felt shamed. Claudius hadn’t been that old, nor had he been a fool. He had been smart enough to increase his family fortune, while Caius appeared only able to lose money at the races.