by Amber Garza
Instead I say, "Why don't you come to one of my games sometime?"
"I don't know." She chews on her bottom lip, and I wish I was the one nibbling on it. "I'm not really sure it's my scene."
My heart sinks a little. Before she responded, I hadn't realized how much it would mean to me to have her there. "C'mon, you could bring Paige."
"Are you kidding?" She huffs. "Paige hates football even more than I do."
"It would mean a lot to me if you were there," I blurt out before I can stop myself, the words tumbling out of my mouth in quick succession.
Hadley searches my face as if trying to decide if I'm serious or not. Then she smiles in a teasing way. "I bet that works on all the girls, huh?"
"Pretty much." I slip so easily back into my flirting, nonchalant attitude I've perfected over the years. Only it hurts to do it with Hadley. I like being myself around her. I don't want to play a part, even if I feel that she wants me to sometimes.
"Too bad for you, I'm not like other girls." She smirks, turning her gaze back to Bruiser who runs just ahead of us.
"I know. That’s what I like about you," I tell her.
FIFTEEN
HADLEY
"I hate the rain," Paige mumbles as she pulls the hood of her grey sweatshirt over her curly hair.
"Me too," I agree, yanking down on my own hood. Only it's a losing battle. The rain is coming down in sheets now. We race through the parking lot toward the high school. With each step, my backpack thumps against my shoulder blades. I splash through puddles, soaking my calves through my jeans and seeping into my shoes. Raindrops pelt me in the face, streaming down my flesh in cold rivulets. Finally we reach the school hallway and burst through it. Warmth circles me, and my teeth chatter as I thaw out.
I slip the hood from my head, my hair springing out of it. Without even looking I'm sure that my brown hair is a mess of frizziness. Condensation is not my best friend. Beside me, Paige smooths down her own messy hair. Students push past us while they make their way inside. As I'm jostled about, I wonder if I really am invisible. I mean, does anyone notice me standing here? I move out of the way, practically becoming one with the wall.
Paige gives me an exasperated look."Hads, if people bump into you, bump them right back. You can't keep letting people push you around."
I bite my lip. "It's no biggie."
The scent of wet hair, shampoo and too much cologne waft under my nose. The bell peals and the noise level raises. Shoes squeak on the floor like the squealing of a rat. I push off the wall just as Tripp rounds the corner. Paige lifts her hand about to wave and her mouth curves into a smile. I find myself following suit. Tripp's eyes find mine, and a smile flickers over his lips. But then the smile fades, and he quickly glances away as if he hasn't seen me at all. When he passes by he is laughing about something with Maverick. The familiar feeling of not being good enough creeps in.
"What was that?" Paige says with disgust.
I shrug as if it doesn't bother me at all. "We have an understanding."
"What is it?" Paige raises an eyebrow. "He gets to hang out with you after school but then treat you like dirt at school?"
Hearing her say it makes it sound so bad. I squirm. "Not exaclty."
"Really? Because that's exactly how it looks to me."
The hallway is almost completely emptied out. "I have to get to class, Paige."
"Fine, but we're not done talking about this." Paige pins me with a stern look before whirling around and stalking off.
As I head toward my first period class, Paige's words ring in my head giving me a sick feeling in my stomach. It's true that Tripp's whole Jekyll and Hyde thing is getting a little old. I hate how comfortable things are with us outside of school, but then at school he treats me like he doesn't know me at all. I thought I could handle it at first. I mean, I was getting to hang out with Tripp Bauer. Any deal I had to make seemed worth it. But now I'm not so sure. I can't help but feel like I'm being used. If I'm good enough to be Tripp's friend, then how come I'm not good enough for people to know about our friendship?
I reach my class just as the bell rings. All eyes turn to me while I weave my way through the desks to find my seat in the very back. As I plop down on the hard chair, I decide to talk to Tripp about it tonight. I'm sure he'll come over with Bruiser, and this time I won't back down. I'll make him hear me. I'll make him understand.
Only Tripp doesn't come over that afternoon. In fact he doesn't come over for the next few days. By Thursday I'm starting to think that maybe Tripp has made his own decision. Perhaps he's decided that he doesn't want to be friends with me at all. Paige tries to convince me that it's for the best, but I miss him. In fact, a couple of times I even contemplate going up to him at school to ask him what's going on. But then I see him with Sonya or one of his other friends and I lose my nerve. Then on Thursday night he just unexpectedly shows up at my door holding Bruiser on a leash.
"Hey." He flashes me his amazing dimpled smile, and I melt beneath his gaze.
However, I know I can't let him off the hook that easily, even if I can hardly breathe in his presence, and he makes my heart beat rapidly and my palms sweat. Still, I can't just cave every time he decides to give me the time of day. It's like Paige keeps telling me. I can't keep being everyone's doormat. So, I cross my arms over my chest. "Where have you been the last few days?"
"It was raining, so I couldn't exactly go for a walk."
I want to ask him why he didn't come over anyway. I want to tell him it hurts my feelings when he ignores me at school. I want to say a lot of things, but I don't. I just stand in front of him with a goofy grin on my face. I know I'm a pushover, but at this moment I don't care. I'm just happy to spend time with Tripp.
"Whoa," Tripp says as Bruiser yanks him forward. "He's been going stir crazy this week."
"I can see that." I giggle.
"So, what do you say, Hadley? You up for a walk?" He asks.
"Sure. Let me just tell my mom where I'm going." I leave Tripp standing at the door and head into the kitchen where Mom is cooking dinner. She's bent over the stove, steam rising from it, the white tendrils curling around her head. Rob's kids are at their mom's so we have some peace and quiet. "Hey Mom. I'm going on a walk with Tripp, okay?"
She turns from the stove to face me, her skin shiny. "Okay. Does he want to come over later for dinner?"
Her expectant smile cuts to my heart. I wonder if she'd feel the same way about Tripp if she knew how badly he treated me at school. Forcing the thoughts away, I push my own lips upward. "I'll ask him."
When I rejoin Tripp he starts following Bruiser down the driveway. I take large strides to catch up. "Mom wants to know if you'd like to join us for dinner."
"Of course." He says this as if the answer should have been obvious.
For some reason this causes anger to bubble inside of me. My insides twist and gurgle, burning up into my throat. I swallow hard, trying to keep my anger in check, but it doesn't work. Finally I turn to Tripp, narrowing my eyes. "What are we doing, Tripp?"
"We're going on a walk, Hadley," he replies sarcastically like this whole thing is a joke.
This upsets me further. "No, not right now. I mean, what's going on with us? What is this...this thing between us?" I point from him to me with my index finger hoping he'll catch my meaning.
He furrows his brows. Bruiser stops to pee in someone's front yard, so Tripp slows to a halt. "We're friends."
"Are we? Because when I see you at school you act like I don't even exist."
A guilty look crosses his features. "We talked about this, Hadley. I thought you understood. I'm just trying to protect you. You know how mean my friends can be."
"Yeah, I know it all too well," I respond bitterly, the memories flooding me.
"Then you know why I act like that."
I can't just let it go at that this time. "Do you have any idea how it makes me feel, Tripp? The way I feel when you treat me the same way they do?"
> Bruiser starts pulling on the leash ready to take off, but Tripp holds him steady. He moves toward me, bringing his free hand up to touch my arm. Chills skitter down my flesh at his touch. I don't move. I don't even breathe. "I'm sorry, Hadley. I hadn't even thought about that."
Aware of his hand on my skin, I find it difficult to respond, but I know I have to. He's finally listening to me. He's finally really seeing me. I have to finish. "I don't think you're just trying to protect me, Tripp. You're trying to protect yourself too. And in the process you're hurting me."
He drops his arm. "I don't want to hurt you, Hadley."
"I like hanging out with you, Tripp. I consider you a friend, but I can't do this anymore. I don't want our friendship to be a secret."
"Okay."
I cock my head to the side, trying to decipher what the one word statement means. "Okay, what?"
He smiles, and once again reaches his arm up to touch me. But this time his thumb grazes my chin, and I inhale sharply. "Okay, our friendship won't be in secret. No more hiding it. No more ignoring you at school."
My heart leaps in my chest. "You mean it?"
"Of course. I never should've treated you like that to begin with." He steps away from me, groaning. "God, I'm such a jerk."
"No, you're not." I tentatively place a hand on his shoulder.
"You mean a lot to me, Hadley." His eyes grow serious. "From now on I'm going to do things right."
I nod, unable to speak with him staring at me so intently.
His body lurches forward, and a chuckle bursts from his throat. "But right now, we better get moving. Bruiser's a little impatient."
I follow him, a grin forming on my face. My insides dance like there's a party going on inside as we walk together down the street.
Today is the true test.
I step into the school hallway with apprehension filling me. It may appear to be a day like any other, but I know that it's not. My conversation with Tripp last night changed everything. As I walk through the hallway with other students' shoulders brushing against mine, I wonder if this will be the day I cease to be invisible. I also wonder if that's what I really want. Anonymity is something I've become comfortable with. Do I want all that to change?
With each step, anxiety plagues me. I spot Tripp a few feet away, leaning against his locker. Maverick stands in front of him, and the two are engaged in a loud conversation. This will be the moment everything shifts for me.
I almost reach them when Sonya rounds the corner, her sights set on Tripp. She's flanked by her two best friends and they are giggling in a way that makes me sick. The three of them stop when they reach Tripp and Maverick.
None of them have noticed me yet, even though I'm mere feet away. Tripp's head lifts, and I hold my breath. Out of the corner of my eye, a splash of neon pink draws my attention. I know it's Paige, and it causes relief to wash over me. Paige I'm comfortable with. Tripp's group I'm not.
Suddenly I regret talking to Tripp about this. Spinning around quickly, I scurry toward Paige. By the time I reach her, my heart is in my throat. Peering over my shoulder, I see Tripp staring at me wearing a confused look. Sonya looks between me and Tripp with her eyes narrowed. Chills brush over my skin.
"What's going on? Did pretty boy hurt your feelings again?" Paige's gaze flickers to Tripp with a look of disgust.
I shake my head. "No, I actually think he was going to say hi, but I ran off."
Paige chuckles bitterly. "Sure he was."
"No, I mean it. We kind of had a talk last night, and he said he was going to start treating me better at school."
Her eyes widen. "Hads, did you actually stand up for yourself?"
"I guess so." Warmth spreads into my cheeks, and I lower my gaze.
"I'm proud of you." She reaches out to pat me on the back. "So why'd you run off then?"
Tripp and his friends sweep past us, and I'm careful to keep my eyes averted from him. Once they are safely down the hallway I look back up at Paige. "I just don't think I want that group to notice me at all. I kind of like being invisible to them. I mean, Tripp's nice, but I don't know about the rest of them."
"I don't blame you. Besides, he's still hanging with Sonya."
"I know." I swallow back the sour taste in my mouth.
"Have you told him what happened between you and Sonya?"
I shake my head.
"You should. Maybe then he'll understand."
I nod in agreement, and then head off to my first period class. Maybe she's right. Perhaps it is time that Tripp knew the whole story. In first period, I have a hard time concentrating. I keep thinking about Tripp, and I rehearse the way I'll tell him about Sonya. I'm not sure why it's so important to me that he knows the story. I guess it's because I consider him a friend now, and I want to share it with him. But I know it's more than that. The truth is that I'm hoping he'll choose me over her. In my mind we've gotten so close, but I sometimes wonder if he feels the same way.
My first few classes blur past. When I’m not thinking about Tripp, I’m drawing pictures in my notebook. By lunchtime I realize that I haven’t taken one note, but I’ve filled multiple pages with sketches of Tripp. Tripp wearing his football jersey, Tripp in his t-shirt and jeans, Tripp in his gym shorts, and the most embarrassing of all - Tripp holding me in his arms. Not wanting anyone to see the pictures, I tear the pages out of my notebook and dump them in a garbage bin on my way to the cafeteria. Just before reaching it, Tripp steps into my path.
"Hey Leelee."
I giggle. "I told you not to call me that."
"I know, but every time I do you giggle and your cheeks turn red. It's so cute." He smiles, and my heart stops.
That's the second time he's given me a compliment about my looks, and I wonder if it means anything. Then again, I know that Tripp is a total flirt, so maybe it's in his nature to say things like that.
"Why'd you run off this morning?" Tripp asks, drawing me out of my internal thoughts.
"Sorry. I guess I just sort of panicked."
"Hey, man." Maverick bounds over to Tripp and slaps him on the back. "You coming in?" He glances over at me with a funny look on his face.
It's obvious that he can't figure out why Tripp is talking to me, and it makes my stomach twist into knots. It takes all my willpower not to run away again.
"In a minute. I'm going to finish talking to Hadley." Tripp returns his attention to me, while Maverick heads into the cafeteria.
I smile at Tripp. "Okay, you've made your point. You can go off with your friends now."
"I am with my friend," Tripp says seriously.
My whole body goes hot. I can't think of a thing to say in response, so I end up standing frozen in place like an idiot. Just when I'm about to redeem myself and say something, Sonya's scent reaches me. I turn around just in time to see her sauntering in our direction. Having no desire to engage in a confrontation with her, I glance up at Tripp apologetically. "I better go find Paige. I'll see you later." Without waiting for him to respond, I race into the cafeteria.
SIXTEEN
TRIPP
"You want to tell me what happened earlier today?" I nudge Hadley in the leg with my elbow.
It's Friday afternoon, and we're sitting on Hadley’s front lawn waiting for her dad to pick her up. It's cool, but not freezing. Goosebumps rise on my flesh, but I think it's more from Hadley’s close proximity than the weather. This girl does something to me. Sure, I’ve dated girls sexier than her. Hell, I’ve dated girls who ooze sex appeal. Girls that most guys would give their right arm to be with. But I never felt this way around any of them. I’ve never felt this damn attracted to someone in my whole life.
"What are you talking about?" Hadley flashes me a confused look.
"C'mon, you get on me about not talking to you at school, so I do and you run away from me. Twice."
"Sorry. It's just that I freaked out." She picks at a blade of grass with her fingers. I may not have known her that long, but I know this
is one of the things she does when she’s uncomfortable. Her gaze flickers to the street, and I know she’s hoping her dad will drive down right now so she can avoid this conversation. Luckily for me the street is deadly quiet.
"That's what you keep saying, but what freaked you out so bad?" I lean close to her, catching a whiff of her watermelon scent. It causes my pulse to spike. I stare at her lips, imagining what they would feel like against mine. "Am I really that scary?"
She swallows hard, moving back a little. I try not to feel slighted by it. But it does make me wonder what she would do if I did try to kiss her. "No, it's not you I'm scared of. It's her."
"Who? Sonya?"
She nods.
"Why?” I ask. “What exactly happened between you two?"
She takes a deep breath, and I’m afraid she won’t tell me. Then she slowly opens her mouth, a glazed look in her eyes like she’s lost in her memories. "Sonya and I were best friends all through elementary school and junior high. Then we started high school and things started to change. Both of us were kind of outsiders before, but freshman year both of us really wanted to be popular. For some reason I lucked out and became friends with Molly Carsons. Sonya got really jealous, but I assured her that it wouldn't change things between us. Molly invited me to eat lunch with her and her friends, so I brought Sonya with me. I introduced her to everyone, and made sure she was included in everything."
"I vaguely remember that you hung out with Molly for a little while, now that you mention it," I say.
She nods. "But I guess that wasn't enough for Sonya. She wanted to be more popular than me. Now I know that she wanted to be more popular than everyone. She started trying to exclude me from things. One day at lunchtime I called her on it, and that's when she destroyed me."
I place my hand gently over hers, offering her the same comfort she did for me the night I hurt my hand. "How did she destroy you?"
"She shared all my embarrassing secrets with the whole table. They were things I told her in private. Things only she knew. She humiliated me in front of everyone." She turns away from me, but not before I catch a glimpse of the ashamed look on her face. "I never sat at that table again. In fact, I never spoke to any of them again."