by Amber Garza
"She hasn't taken anything from you, Hadley. Not if you don't let her." I may not be able to erase what happened, but maybe I can help her do something I never have been able to — win. "She only wins if you allow her to. If you walk into school with your head held high and don't take her crap then you win. If you cower and hide, then you let her win."
"Oh, yeah, I'm going to take advice from you because you were really brave today." She glares at me, and I read the disappointment in her eyes. "God, Tripp, you stood there and did nothing! Nothing!"
"I know! I know I was a coward, okay? I'm always a coward. I've gotten good at it." Angry with myself, I hop off the rock and start pacing. "I wanted to stick up for you, Hadley. I really did. It was tearing me up inside when Sonya was saying those things about you. I just didn't know how. I've never even stuck up for myself before. And I guess I just froze." I rush to Hadley, guilt eating me up inside. I bring my hands up around her face, and she doesn't pull away. "I'm not proud of it, Hadley. If I could go back in time I would do things differently. I would make it better."
"Too bad for both of us you can't do that." She shoves me away, a look of disgust on her face.
I don't blame her. I'm disgusted with myself too. "You know why I like you so much Hadley?"
She shrugs.
"Everyone else has so many expectations for me. My parents, the guys on the team, the girls at school. Everyone wants something from me. Nobody just accepts me the way I am. I feel like I always have to prove myself. God, sometimes I don't even know who I am because I'm working so hard trying to please everyone else. But with you it's different. I've always liked how you are separate from all that. I guess I have been kind of selfish with you, because I like having you all to myself. I like how I can just be myself around you, and you never have any expectations for me."
"That's where you're wrong, Tripp. I did have expectations for you. I expected you to be a good friend to me. I expected you to have my back. But now I don't have any expectations for you at all."
"Hadley, don't do that." I take a step toward her, panic blooming in my chest.
"I'm sorry, but that's how I feel." She backs away from me and starts walking toward the path. Dirt kicks up in her wake.
I can't let her go like this. Desperation strangling me, I run after her. Grabbing her arm, I spin her around. "I'll make this up to you, I promise. Tomorrow at school, you'll see. I'll fix it. I'll do what I should've done today."
"You can't fix this, Tripp. It's too late." She yanks her arm out of my grasp. "So, don't even bother trying. Just leave me alone." Without a backward glance, she races down the path before disappearing from my sight.
NINETEEN
HADLEY
My alarm clock blares next to my head, its insistent beeping causing me to cringe. I roll over and turn it off with a hard smack to the off button. As I sit up, memories of yesterday crash over me, and I feel like I might puke. There's no way I can go to school and face everyone today. I picture all those eyes on me, all the whispering and pointing. It causes chills to skitter down my spine. I can't do it.
Hurrying across the hall, I slip into the bathroom. I rub my eyes until they are red, and splash warm water on my face. After practicing a few fake coughs, I head back out into the hallway. I walk slowly, my shoulders stooped. My mom is making breakfast. Cartoons are playing in the family room, and I hear Ainsley and Adam jumping around. Keeping my head down, I groan while entering the room. Mom's head whips in my direction.
"Hadley, are you okay?" She walks toward me, concern etched on her face.
"I'm not feeling so good." I force out a few coughs.
"Oh, no." Mom touches my forehead with the back of her hand. "You are a little warm, and kind of sweaty."
I almost laugh at that, but I need to keep looking pained.
"Why don't you go back to bed? I'll bring you something to drink in a little while." Mom ushers me out of the kitchen.
By the time I reach my room I'm so grateful Mom bought my little act. I'm sure it helped that I hardly ever miss school and I never fake being sick, so it's not like she'd suspect that's what I'm doing. I fling myself down on my bed, burying my head in the pillow. It's not exactly a lie that I'm sick. I mean, I may not be physically sick, but I'm heart sick. And in some ways I think that's worse. Pulling my covers up to my neck, I cocoon myself in the safety of them. I close my eyes, and before I know it I'm drifting off.
Buzzing awakens me. Groggy, I peer over to my left where my cell phone is lighting up. I snatch it up. On the screen is a text from Paige.
Paige: Where r u?
Me: At home. Sick.
Paige: Is this about yesterday?
Me: Maybe.
Paige: Want me to ditch and come over?
Faint squealing travels down the hallway. I hear Mom scold Adam.
Me: Mom's here.
Paige: OK. Call u later.
I toss the phone back down on my nightstand and rest my head back down on the pillow. Picturing Sonya and her friends causes nausea to crash over me. If only I could go back in time and never become friends with that backstabber. I can't believe I ever trusted her. My mind travels back to that day so many years ago when I found my adoption papers. Before then I'd always believed Dad was my real dad. But when I found those papers I knew I had to have answers. My parents were already splitting up, and once I realized I wasn't his real daughter I worried that he wouldn't even want to see me anymore.
When I confronted my parents they told me the truth. But Dad assured me that he considered me his daughter; that he loved me just as much as if I had been biologically his. Sometimes, when I go to his house and he stays trapped in his office I wonder about his feelings for me. But then I remind myself that he's always been like this. Logically I know that his behavior has nothing to do with the fact that I'm not his biological daughter, but sometimes my heart tells me something different.
Sonya's words from yesterday have gotten stuck in my mind, and all the doubts I have about my dad have resurfaced. I wish she didn't have that kind of power over me. I wish I were stronger.
The sky outside my window looks like a large black canvas with golden splatters emitting soft twinkling light, a small crescent moon in the corner. Mom, Rob and even the children are asleep. Silence surrounds me, but I'm wide awake. It probably has to do with the fact that I slept all day. Now I'm going to toss and turn all night. Great.
Sighing, I roll over onto my back and stare up at the ceiling. A tapping sound catches my attention. Hair prickles on my neck, and goosebumps feather over my skin. I turn toward the sound, and the figure of a boy darkens my window. Gasping, I slap my hand over my mouth. My heart hammers in my chest, and sweat snakes down my spine. I stand up, groping the wall as I try to locate the wall switch. The streetlamp outside casts over the stranger's face, and that's when I recognize him. Tripp.
Relief washes over me. I step forward, unlock the window and push it open. Cool night air rushes inside. Tripp stands outside my window wearing gym shorts and t-shirt.
"What are you doing here?" I hug myself, embarrassed for him to see me in my pajamas. I run my tongue over my teeth, grateful that I at least brushed them before going to bed, since I haven't even showered today. Reaching up, I smooth down my hair with my fingers.
"You weren't at school today," Tripp says. "I was worried about you."
"Really? Where was all this concern for me yesterday?" I whisper, propping my elbows up on my windowsill.
"I know I screwed up yesterday, Hadley, and because of it you were hurt and humiliated. I know exactly how that feels, and it kills me that I allowed it to happen. That's why I'm here."
It reminds me of the reason he started talking to me initially. Tripp clearly has some type of rescue complex. "Is that the reason you became friends with me in the first place? Because you felt guilty?"
Tripp bites his lip, drawing my attention to his mouth. I hate when he does that, because it always makes me think about kissing him. "At fi
rst maybe. I really did feel bad about throwing that paper in your face. But it's like I told you yesterday, once I got to know you I really started to like you. Not out of some obligation or because I felt bad, but because of who you are."
"Yesterday you said you were friends with me because I didn't have any expectations for you." Anger resurfaces at the remembrance of his words.
Tripp sighs, resting his own elbows in the windowsill. Our heads are side by side, facing opposite directions. Even though I'm angry with him, his proximity still excites me. "I didn't mean it the way you took it, Hadley. What I meant is that you're the only person I can be myself around. I feel more comfortable with you than I do with anyone else. You seem to accept me just as I am, and I like that about you." He turns to me, catching my eye. Our faces are inclined together, and his breath mingles with mine. "It wasn't meant as a slam, Hadley. It was meant as a compliment."
I press my lips together, unsure of what to say. It's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me, and I feel like the biggest jerk on the planet. I guess I'm just so used to people hurting me that sometimes I don't notice when they're trying to help. "I'm sorry, Tripp. I shouldn't have jumped down your throat like that."
He shrugs. "No, I deserved it. That's why I came by tonight. I figured out a way to fix things."
I cock my head to the side, curious. Even though I'd been so angry with him before, I kind of want to hear him out now. "How?"
"Go out with me."
"What?" I sputter, backing away from the window. Is he messing with me or what?
"Yeah, c'mon. Be my girlfriend."
"You can't be serious." I furrow my brow, trying to figure out why he's saying these bizarre things. A part of me wants so badly for it to be true, but the other part of me knows it isn't.
"Is it really that awful to think about going out with me, Hadley?" Tripp winks at me, causing my knees to soften.
"It's not that. It's just that I don't get what you're saying."
"Hadley." Tripp moves forward, leaning inside so that his face is close to mine. My heartbeat is so frantic that I'm afraid it will wake my mom with its loud thumping. I glance around, honing in on the noises in the house to be sure everything is still silent. "It's perfect. Everyone will see that Sonya's plan didn't work, and they'll all know who I'm loyal to. C'mon. I know I messed up big time, but let me make it up to you."
My heart sinks at his words. "Tripp, you don't have to do this. I know you're sorry. I can tell. But you don't have to force yourself to go out with me to prove it."
"That's what you think? That I would have to force myself to date you?" Tripp pushes off the house with his arms, looking a little angry. "Hadley, don't you know why Sonya attacked you this week? I mean, don't you wonder why she chose now to reveal a secret that she's known for years?"
"Cause she's awful, and she was waiting for the perfect moment to strike?"
Tripp reaches out, circling his hand around my wrist. My flesh burns from his touch. "Hadley, she did it because she likes me, but she knows nothing will ever happen between us because I have feelings for someone else."
I stare at him, disbelieving. "You do?"
"I like you, Hadley. I think it's pretty obvious to everyone but you, apparently." He chuckles under his breath. "So what do you say? Go out with me?"
There they are again. Those words that I've fantasized about him saying to me for years. Only now that he's saying them I'm terrified. It was one thing when it was an impossible dream. Never in my life would I have thought it would actually come true. Tripp Bauer has a reputation of being a major player. And we've become such good friends. I'm afraid if I say yes to dating him he'll get tired of me, then we'll break up and I'll lose him for good. I don't think I'm ready for that yet.
"I don't think I can, Tripp." I lower my gaze.
"Wow. I think that's the first time a girl has turned me down."
I feel sick. "I'm sorry."
"No worries." He lifts his hand off my arm and swipes a fingertip across my cheek. I inhale sharply. "I like a challenge. I'm not giving up on you yet, Leelee."
I giggle. "Oh, no. We're back to Leelee again, huh?"
"Only if you keep up with that adorable giggle."
My face burns. "Well, I guess I'll have to stop being so adorable so you'll stop saying that." My mouth almost drops open, stunned by my own statement. Did I just flirt with Tripp?
"Man, you are killing me." Tripp steps away from the window. "Challenge accepted, Hadley. And just so you know, I never lose. Until tomorrow." With a mock bow, he whirls away. Then he disappears into the shadows, leaving me to wonder if I dreamt the whole thing.
TWENTY
TRIPP
I creep back toward my house under the backdrop of night. When a car heads down the street, I duck behind a tree. The bark scratches my back as I stand as still as can be. My dad would kill me if he knew I snuck out tonight. But I couldn’t help myself. I had to see Hadley. I had to make sure she was okay.
More than that, I had to know if I ruined my chances with her or if I still had a shot. My heart soars as the image of her face flashes in my mind. I can still see the slight flutter of her lashes as I touched her face. I can see the sparkle in her eyes, and hear the hope in her voice. Now I know it's not a lost cause. I haven’t screwed it up indefinitely. There’s still a chance for us.
Once the car passes, I slink out from behind the tree and race toward my house. I’ve been attracted to Hadley for awhile, even before I was willing to admit it to myself. But it wasn’t until she pushed me away that I realized how much she meant to me. Just the thought of losing her was enough to make me feel like I was drowning in the ocean. I felt like I was flailing, alone and unsafe, as if every time I came up for air another wave knocked me back under, stealing my breath. Hadley anchors me. She gives me a feeling of security and hope that I’ve never had with anyone else.
Sneaking inside the front door, I close it securely behind me. Holding my breath, I crawl upstairs and scurry into my room. The minute I close my bedroom door, I throw off my clothes and hop into bed. Lying completely still, I listen for any foreign noises. After several minutes, I let out a relieved sigh. I’d done it. I’d snuck out and back in without anyone noticing. The tension in my shoulders dissipates, and I snuggle into my pillow. It smells like laundry detergent, and I find myself longing for Hadley’s watermelon scent. Circling my arms around the pillow, I imagine that it’s Hadley. What I wouldn’t give to be able to hold her in my arms right now.
Her face pops into my thoughts – that perfect heart shaped mouth, those dark eyes, that vulnerable expression. I would’ve stayed at her house all night if she’d let me. When I stood in her window I had hoped that she would invite me inside; that she’d take me in her arms and hold me. Ironic that I’ve always been able to have any girl I wanted, but I never really wanted any of them. Not like I want Hadley. And Hadley’s the first girl to say no to me; the first girl to make me beg. But it’s like I told her. I don’t mind the challenge. In fact, I think it’s one of the many reasons I like her so much. She’s not afraid to stand up for herself. She’s the strongest girl I’ve ever met. She makes me want to be strong too. She makes me want to change, to be someone worthy of her.
I roll over on my side, hearing the mattress rub against the pictures underneath. The sounds sparks an idea, and I bolt upright. That’s it. I know what I can do to prove my feelings to Hadley. It will be a small, simple rebellion, but the payoff could be great.
Kicking off my covers, I swing my legs over the side of the bed and slide off. Then I kneel down and pull out the sketches. Finally I find a blank sheet, and I smooth it down with my hand. Walking stealthily toward the desk in the corner of my room, I find a pencil and snatch it up. I sit cross-legged on my bed, the paper in my lap. Using only the moonlight as my guide, I run the pencil over the paper. Using careful strokes, I draw from memory. First a head, then two eyes, then a nose and mouth surface bringing the picture to life. My hand
moves swiftly over the paper, my wrist cramping from the effort. I’m careful to keep my ears perked listening for footfalls or voices. But the only sound I hear is even breathing and the occasional snore.
The sky begins to lighten as I draw, and my back hurts from being hunched over. I sit back, working out the kinks and assess the image. It still needs some work, but I can find Hadley in it. She’s there in the set of her jaw, in the almond shape of her eyes, and the high cheekbones. I need to work on her eyes though, make them shine like hers do. When I’m finished, I want her to know how beautiful she is to me.
Tucking the picture back under my mattress, I yawn and stretch. I know I’m going to be exhausted today, but it was worth it. For once I’m doing something for me, and it feels good.
TWENTY-ONE
HADLEY
"I can't believe he asked you out," Paige squeals, her car swerving into oncoming traffic.
"Paige!" I point out the front window. "Watch where you're driving."
She turns the wheel and the car goes back into our lane. Colors sweep past us like the stroke of a paintbrush. "Sorry. It's just so crazy."
"I know," I agree.
"And I can't believe you said no," she adds, looking pointedly at me.
"I am seriously not riding with you to school anymore if you don't focus on driving."
Paige shakes her head mockingly and then faces forward. "Fine. This better?"
"Much." I stretch my legs out a little, kicking the backpack at my feet.
"So why did you?" Paige asks, still staring straight ahead.
"Why did I what?"
"Don't play dumb with me. Why did you say no to going out with Tripp?"
"Oh, come on. Two days ago you were the one saying he was a bad friend."
"Yeah, because two days ago he was."
"Are you saying that one apology negates what happened two days ago?" I'm surprised by how forgiving Paige is being about this whole thing. She's usually pretty stubborn. I've seen her hold a grudge for much lesser crimes.