by KL Slater
This was my chance to ask for her help and support.
I almost opened my mouth and told her, I almost did. But then my mind presented me with flash-forward images of Mum fretting about me and Evie, losing sleep and badgering me to throw the tablets away and see the doctor. I couldn’t handle all the drama that would ensue. I just didn’t have the energy for it.
‘Look, it’s been hard for all of us,’ I said, trying to change the subject.
‘I know how much that vase meant to you,’ Mum pressed. ‘That reaction, it wasn’t you, love. What’s going on?’
‘You weren’t here when I threw the vase.’ I was hedging my bets, as I had no memory of whether she was here or not.
‘No, but poor Evie was. It scared her, Toni, she told me all about it the next day. I actually thought she was exaggerating until I saw the mess.’
‘I have felt tense and stressed out,’ I conceded. ‘I know you disapprove, but this new job is important to me, Mum. I’m trying to make a good impression there; the money will come in so handy. And I’ve also been really concerned about Evie not liking school.’
‘I don’t like that Watton woman,’ Mum said.
‘Miss Watson,’ I corrected her again.
‘Whatever. You’d think she was Evie’s nanny, the way she talks about what’s best for her. I had to bite my tongue again today.’
‘Why, what did she say?’
‘Oh, she just hinted that it would be better if you could pick her up after her new later sessions. I get the impression she doesn’t like me picking her up full stop. My own granddaughter.’
‘I’m sure that’s not the case, Mum,’ I said, remembering that’s exactly what Harriet had suggested in her phone call about Evie’s private sessions.
I spooned coffee into our mugs and poured in boiling water.
‘I don’t know why Evie has to go to these silly sessions anyway, she’d rather be at home, I’m sure.’
‘Well, I’m grateful to Miss Watson.’ I went to the fridge for milk. ‘She’s going the extra mile to help Evie settle in. She seems very giving of her own time.’
We took our drinks into the lounge. Mum handed Evie a carton of orange juice.
‘What did you do in your session with Miss Watson today, sweetie?’ I asked Evie.
She looked up briefly.
‘Just talking,’ she muttered.
‘Talking about what?’ Mum chipped in.
‘About friends,’ Evie said, poking the straw into her drink. ‘Mummy’s friends.’
I raised an eyebrow at Mum. ‘My friends?’
‘There’s something I don’t trust about that woman.’ Mum pursed her lips. ‘Why would she be poking her nose in your personal business?’
‘I told her you hadn’t got any,’ Evie said, slurping juice through the straw.
‘Oh, cheers, Evie.’ I laughed, but it was sobering to realise it was actually the dismal truth.
‘She said she could be your friend,’ Evie added.
‘Creepy,’ Mum shuddered. ‘I don’t like the woman.’
‘Miss Watson said she’s going to get Daisy, Nico and Martha to come and visit me soon,’ Evie went on, selecting her next brick.
I shrugged at Mum’s disapproving glare. I felt sure Miss Watson hadn’t promised Evie such a thing. It was fairly obvious she’d been encouraging her to speak about friends, and that was a positive thing, seeing as she hadn’t managed to make any yet.
Her old friends visiting would be nothing but wishful thinking on Evie’s part.
After all, our old life was firmly behind us. There was nothing left for us there anymore.
47
Three Years Earlier
Toni
When Mum had gone home, I unpacked Evie’s book bag. There was a slip of paper tucked inside her reading journal.
Mrs Cotter, would you be able to stay for a 5 min chat when you bring Evie to school in the morning?
* * *
Regards,
H. Watson
My heart sank, wondering what it was she wanted to talk to me about. I hoped she wasn’t still concerned about Evie settling into her new class.
I felt exhausted, far too tired to contemplate unpacking anything upstairs, so I decided I’d just make us a light tea and crash out on the sofa while Evie watched TV. Not the most nurturing plan a parent ever came up with, but I told myself that, sometimes, needs must.
‘Mummy, when are we going to McDonalds?’ Evie said.
I stared at her, this morning’s forgotten promise echoing in my head. I felt like crying.
‘You promised,’ she said, watching me with narrowed eyes.
‘We can go now if you like,’ I said wearily. ‘Get your coat and shoes.’
‘Miss Watson said fast food is full of salt and sugar that add hicks you,’ Evie remarked, buckling her shoes. ‘But I still want to go.’
* * *
When we left McDonalds and drove home, the first thing I noticed, when we turned into Muriel Crescent, was that the lights were on in the kitchen of number sixty-one. The blinds were still pulled down and although I could see shadows moving around, the fabric was too substantial to make out any detail. As we drove by, I saw that the car parked outside number sixty-one was a black Audi, remarkably similar to the car that had sped by me earlier.
Later, before I climbed into bed, I turned off the light and peeked out of the curtains onto the road. Number sixty-one was almost directly opposite our house, and a dim lamp had just snapped on in the lounge, illuminating the room in a rosy glow.
A woman walked over to the windows to draw the curtains. I squinted at the shape behind her and realised that there was someone else there in the room too. Before she pulled the curtains completely closed, the woman hesitated and stared out for a few seconds, clutching the drapes close to her face.
If I was the paranoid type, I’d have sworn she was looking directly up at me.
* * *
The next morning, Evie and I walked to school under our matching ladybird-themed umbrellas, which served as both a novelty and a distraction for her.
I kept looking for signs that she seemed a little happier going to school, but I couldn’t find any evidence of that. She didn’t complain loudly or refuse to go in, like she had done previously, but her demeanour was virtually identical. She remained surly and quiet for most of the journey.
It was a tall order to expect Harriet Watson to work her magic in the space of a single one-to-one session. We were in it for the long haul, but I felt sure we’d get there in the end.
When we reached the school gates, Harriet Watson was waiting for us. Evie looked up at me, slightly alarmed, but I squeezed her hand to reassure her everything was fine and she wasn’t in any trouble.
We all walked towards the building together.
‘Now, run along to the classroom, Evie, and I’ll be through in a few minutes,’ Miss Watson said briskly when we got inside.
I bent down and got a peck on the cheek before Evie sauntered down the corridor towards Rowan Class.
Miss Watson led me into the pleasant open-plan library space. We moved from echoing wooden flooring onto a carpet that muted all the sounds. Shelves piled with colourful, tempting books of every genre lined the walls. Even the lighting seemed a little softer in here.
Although pupils were constantly walking by us to their classrooms, it was a surprisingly calm and private space, buffered as we were by the bookcases and carpet. We sat down at a round table next to the back wall.
‘Thanks so much for coming in,’ Harriet began, placing her hands, one on top of the other, on the tabletop. ‘I wanted to tell you how the session went yesterday. Evie was very responsive and chatted openly about her friends and life at her old school.’
‘She told me.’ I nodded, smiling. ‘In fact, Evie said you were going to arrange for her three friends to visit her here.’
We shared a chuckle.
‘Oh dear, little Evie perhaps got the wrong end of the
stick there.’ Harriet smiled. ‘I’m sure I never said anything of the sort.’
‘Don’t worry, I realised she must have got confused,’ I said. ‘I thought it was positive you’d got her talking about friendships though. I really hope Evie will make some new friends here very soon.’
‘Quite,’ Harriet Watson agreed. ‘But try not to worry. I have every confidence Evie will soon forge strong friendships here at St Saviour’s. Her involvement in my small group work during the day will encourage this, as she’ll be working with the same group of classmates most days. We sit right here, in fact.’ She patted the tabletop.
‘It’s a lovely space,’ I said, looking around with approval.
‘You’re probably wondering why I wanted to speak with you,’ she ventured. ‘I just wanted to reiterate what I said about you making an effort to pick Evie up after the later sessions.’
I felt a prickle of annoyance.
‘I will ask at work, but as I said, I’ve only just started the job, so it might be a bit difficult to change my hours at this early stage.’
‘I understand work is important, Mrs Cotter, but—’
‘I will ask,’ I said again. ‘But Evie is completely used to being with my mum, it’s not as if a stranger is picking her up. She loves her Nanny and—’
‘And I’m afraid therein lies the problem, Mrs Cotter.’
‘Call me Toni, please,’ I said. ‘And sorry, what do you mean?’
‘This is difficult.’ Harriet sighed, pressing her hands into the desk and leaning forward.
‘I’d rather you be honest,’ I said, feeling a wave of tension steadily filling the space between my shoulder blades.
‘I get the impression that your mother – sorry, remind me of her name?’
‘Anita.’
‘Of course. I get the impression that Anita rather thinks she knows best when it comes to Evie. Do you understand what I’m saying?’
I nodded slowly. I couldn’t argue with her assumption.
‘It strikes me that, although Anita obviously loves Evie with all her heart, she thinks she knows better than you, her mother, or indeed myself, an educational professional with decades of experience.’
But not a teacher. The thought flitted through my mind, but I had to admit, qualified teacher or not, she was talking sense.
She looked at me. ‘Mrs Cotter – Toni – the last thing I wish to do is offend you but—’
‘Not at all,’ I interrupted. ‘I’m not offended, honestly. You seemed to have worked Mum out. I’m impressed.’
‘Really? Oh, well, that’s somewhat of a relief.’
‘I’m afraid me and Mum often clash over what we think is best for Evie.’ I held back saying any more because it felt a bit disloyal to Mum. She’d be so upset if she heard us talking like this.
‘I’ll be frank, I’m afraid I got the distinct impression that Anita wasn’t a fan of Evie staying for our one-to-one sessions.’
I bit my lip and stayed quiet, but inside I cringed. I hoped Mum hadn’t said anything inappropriate to Harriet.
‘And of course, we all know that children are like little sponges, soaking up the opinions and unspoken disapproval of the adults around them.’ Harriet pressed her lips together. ‘Toni, I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but I think your mother is unknowingly sabotaging the work we are trying to do with Evie.’
‘Oh.’ A thickness collected in the middle of my throat, cracking my voice a little. ‘I’m sure Mum would never—’
‘Don’t get me wrong,’ Harriet said hurriedly. ‘There’s no doubt in my mind that your mother wants the very best for Evie – but that’s the crux of the matter, isn’t it? She doesn’t really know what’s best.’
I thought about how Mum said Evie was better at home than in Harriet’s sessions, how she said the school staff were to blame for Evie not settling in as well as we’d expected.
‘Toni,’ Harriet said gently, ‘what I’m saying is this: I think, to give Evie the best chance, you need to limit the time she spends alone with your mum.’
48
Three Years Earlier
Toni
Harriet Watson made it sound a lot easier than it was. Limiting the time Evie spent alone with Mum wasn’t something I could just do overnight.
‘I’m relying on Mum with my new job,’ I explained. ‘I could have a talk with her, try to make her see that we all have to work together.’
Harriet gave a sardonic little smile.
‘She listens to you, does she, your mum? Takes on board what you say?’
I sighed. She had a point there.
‘I know things have been very difficult for you over the last few years, Toni,’ Harriet said quietly. ‘You’ve had to manage alone under an enormous amount of stress and strain.’
To my horror, a prickling sensation started up in my eyes and nose.
‘I know your mother has been a great help to you in the past, but now Evie is at school, the welfare of your daughter must become your priority.’
I nodded, although Evie had always been my priority.
‘Our next session is on Wednesday, so I urge you to speak to your manager today, if you can. We must work together to give Evie the best start at St Saviour’s.’ Harriet placed a hand on mine. ‘Other children can be so unkind and are quick to shun. We don’t want her becoming an outsider, now, do we?
* * *
I’d got myself looking fairly presentable for my appointment with Harriet Watson, styling my hair and putting on a little make-up, so when I got home, I changed into smart trousers and a blouse and left early for work.
I had one or two bits I needed to do in town and it wouldn’t do any harm to get into the office a bit earlier. It might even get me into Bryony’s good books, paving the way for me to broach the subject of tweaking my hours on certain days.
I parked the car and walked onto the High Street. On the spur of the moment, as I was passing, I decided to drop by the office and say hi to Jo.
I peered through the shop window and watched her for a couple of seconds, smiling and talking to her computer monitor. I realised she was probably Skyping her sister, which meant Dale and Bryony were out of the office.
I opened the shop door and Jo looked up, smiling, expecting to see a customer. The smile melted away when she saw me.
‘Sorry,’ I mouthed. ‘You busy?’
She shook her head and held up her index finger. ‘Sorry, sis, got to go now. Toni’s here, the new lady I told you about.’
I grinned and walked over to her desk, intending to give her sister a little wave.
‘OK, speak later, bye,’ Jo said to the monitor, turning it off.
‘Oh.’ I stopped walking. ‘I was just going to say hi to your sister.’
‘Sorry, I’m just nervy,’ Jo said, looking at the door. ‘It would be just my luck for Bryony to come back and catch us Skyping. I shouldn’t do it at work, really, but it’s been a quiet morning and the internet speed is so much better than I get at home. Anyway, how come you’re here so bright and early? Couldn’t you keep away?’
I grinned. ‘I just needed to do a few bits, pop to the bank, the chemist. Do you need anything while I’m out?’
‘I’m good, thanks,’ Jo replied. ‘But seeing as you’re in town early, I’ll take my half hour for lunch for a change. Dale should be back soon. Fancy popping to the café next door for a coffee and sandwich, about twelve fifteen?’
‘Perfect.’ I smiled. Forty-five minutes was ample time to get my errands done. ‘Meet you there.’
* * *
I got to the café a few minutes early but Jo was already in there, tucked away at a table at the back. I plonked down my shopping bag and handbag on a spare chair before dashing to the loo.
‘Back in five.’ I grinned, crossing my legs for comic effect.
When I got back to the table, Jo was studying the menu.
‘It’s really nice in here,’ I said, looking at the homemade cakes lining the counter
and inhaling the smell of freshly brewed coffee. ‘We should do this more often.’
Jo rolled her eyes. ‘I’d love to, but they’d have a fit if I wasn’t in the office to answer the phones and man the desk most lunchtimes.’
‘You’re entitled to a lunch break, you know,’ I said, picking up the other menu and leafing through. ‘You could insist on taking it.’
‘Yeah, I could,’ Jo said. ‘If I wanted a miserable life. Bryony has this way of quietly torturing you if she’s displeased. I really hope you don’t get to see that side of her.’
‘I think I’m getting pretty close to it,’ I murmured. ‘By the way, our little chat the other day really helped, thanks.’
‘Aww, I just want you to know I’m here if you need to offload, that’s all. I don’t want to push you. I know sometimes it can be difficult to open up, especially as we’ve only just met.’
Jo couldn’t possibly know that I found it hard to trust people I didn’t know, but somehow, she seemed to sense it anyway.
‘I find it easy to talk to you,’ I said, rummaging in my handbag for my purse. ‘You’re a good listener.’
‘Years of practice.’ She smiled. ‘With my sister, mainly.’
‘Let’s order, these are on me,’ I said, frowning as I delved deeper into my bag.
‘I don’t think so,’ Jo said firmly, standing up. ‘These are definitely on me. What’re you having?’
Jo went to the counter to order our sandwiches and lattes and I pulled my bag onto my knee, taking out items and laying them on the chair, determined to locate my purse. I found two of Evie’s favourite glass hair bobbles we thought she’d lost months ago, an overdue electricity bill and a folded five-pound note that was covered in biscuit crumbs.