Blink

by KL Slater

  I opened the window a little but the breeze was choked with exhaust fumes. The car had inched forward maybe five metres in the last five minutes. Five minutes seems an inordinately long amount of time when your daughter has nobody to pick her up and your mother is more vulnerable than you’ve ever seen her in your life.

  I swallowed hard to try to relieve the dryness in my throat, cursing that I’d left my bottle of water at work.

  A ball of heat uncurled itself in the pit of my stomach and began to work its way up to my head, where I knew from experience it would explode and give me a beetroot face and add fuel to my already raging headache.

  I picked my phone up and stared at the blank screen, devoid of texts or missed calls.

  Tapping my fingernails on the steering wheel, I willed the traffic in front of me to move.

  * * *

  I got to school at ten past five. Forty minutes late.

  I parked up on double yellow lines directly outside the entrance to the school office, ripping off my seatbelt and jumping out of the car, running full pelt through the main gates. It was like a ghost town without the throng of children and parents to battle through.

  The doors were locked and the blinds pulled down. The back of my neck prickled, my throat suddenly parched.

  I hammered on the doors and all the windows. I ran around the whole building, banging and yelling. When I got to Evie’s classroom window, a man in his early sixties, wearing navy dungarees, appeared from around the corner.

  ‘My daughter,’ I gasped, rushing up to him. ‘I’m late picking her up.’

  ‘There’s nobody here, love,’ he answered. ‘They’ve all gone home.’

  ‘No, you don’t under—’ I swallowed down the taste of vomit, squeezing my eyes shut to try to ward off the feeling of nausea. When I opened them, he was watching me curiously. ‘You don’t understand. My daughter, Evie, she was here with Miss Watson for an after-school session.’

  ‘But everybody’s gone now,’ he repeated, shuffling back a few steps. ‘I’m the caretaker and I’ve done a sweep of all the classrooms. There’s nobody here. Nobody at all.’

  56

  Three Years Earlier

  Toni

  I ran past the caretaker and back out to the car.

  The school building, the road, the passing traffic – everything blurred into one big, messy swirl, spinning around in front of my eyes slowly and then faster, faster.

  I stumbled and fell against the school gate, the iron railings cool and unforgiving against my skin.

  ‘Whoa, hold up, miss.’ The caretaker appeared at my side. ‘You’re going to hurt yourself if you carry on like that. Why don’t you come inside and sit down for a minute or two?’

  ‘No.’ I shook my head, feeling even dizzier. ‘I have – I have to find her. My daughter.’

  I stood up straight and took a deep breath. He stepped towards me and held out his arms as if I might topple over any second.

  ‘I’m fine, thanks,’ I said, wishing he’d just go away. And then I had a thought. ‘Have you got Harriet Watson’s phone number?’

  ‘Sorry, love.’ He shrugged. ‘I don’t have access to information like that. It’s all on a computer in the office, you see. You still look a bit unsteady on your feet.’

  ‘I have to go,’ I muttered, stepping out onto the pavement. ‘I have to find Evie.’

  The caretaker watched me as I walked unsteadily to the car.

  ‘I don’t think you should be driving,’ he called, but I ignored him and climbed awkwardly into the driver’s seat.

  I pulled the door to, leaned back against the headrest and closed my eyes. My thoughts were bouncing around like manic ping-pong balls. I couldn’t seem to catch them and put them in any semblance of order.

  My phone started ringing and my heart leapt. I grabbed my handbag and rooted around in it, pulling out my phone. A mobile number flashed up but no name. I answered it, a sickly dread clogging my throat.

  ‘Hello?’ I croaked.

  ‘Toni? It’s Jo, I just got your text. Is everything OK?’

  ‘It’s Evie.’ My voice broke into a sob. ‘She’s gone.’

  * * *

  I sat and waited like Jo told me to until she arrived. It nearly killed me, doing nothing, but Jo was insistent. I opened the window in an effort to try to clear my head, help me think straight.

  ‘Are you going to be alright, love?’

  I jumped, my eyes springing open, to find the caretaker leaning close to the glass.

  ‘Yes, I’m fine, my friend is on her way over,’ I said. ‘Thanks, but there’s nothing more you can do now.’

  ‘I’ll go and check the classrooms again,’ he said. ‘Just in case. You know what little girls can be like.’

  I looked at his wrinkled face and thin lips and shuddered. I didn’t want to think about him and Evie alone in the building together.

  ‘Thanks,’ I mumbled, and closed the window.

  Ten minutes later, a small white Fiat pulled up in front of me and Jo jumped out. She ran towards my car, but before she reached me, the caretaker intercepted her, holding up his hand.

  The caretaker had his back to me but I could see him shaking his head and speaking. Jo listened and then turned her head slightly so I couldn’t see her mouth. She said a few words to him and they both turned and looked at me.

  ‘What?’ I shouted from inside the car. Evie was missing and those two were chatting like we had all the time in the world.

  Jo rushed over to the car and slid into the passenger seat. ‘Oh my God, Toni, you look terrible.’ She grasped my hand and her fingers felt cool and damp. ‘What’s happened?’

  ‘What did he say?’ I snapped.’ What were you talking about?’

  ‘Mr Bryce is just concerned about you,’ she said evenly. ‘He said everyone has gone home. You poor thing, you must be out of your mind.’

  Dissolving into tears at her concern, I just about managed to tell her the gist of what had happened.

  ‘I don’t know who to contact, what to do,’ I sobbed, and then a moment of clarity broke through the fog. ‘I think I should call the police.’

  Jo stared at me for a second and then shook her head. ‘There are things to check first. The police will ask what you’ve done to find her,’ she reasoned.

  ‘Like what?’ I sniffed. ‘There’s nobody around to ask and I haven’t got Harriet Watson’s number.’

  ‘Well, Evie obviously isn’t here at school, but you were late, right?’

  I nodded.

  ‘So maybe Harriet took her home. Have you been back to your house?’

  My eyes widened. How could I have been so stupid?

  ‘She might be waiting for me at home,’ I whispered.

  I reached towards the keys in the ignition.

  ‘No, we’ll go in my car,’ Jo said, narrowing her eyes. ‘You seem so upset and unfocused. Mr Bryce thinks you shouldn’t be driving.’

  * * *

  As we turned into Muriel Crescent, I undid my seatbelt and reached for the door handle.

  ‘Don’t open the car door yet,’ Jo said quickly.

  My whole body shook as my eyes searched out our house at the end of the row of mews-style new properties.

  ‘She’s not there,’ I cried. And then, louder, ‘I can see she’s not there.’

  I pulled on the handle and the door swung open, narrowly missing a parked car as we moved by it.

  ‘Toni, for fuck’s sake!’ Jo screamed, slamming on the brakes. ‘Close the fucking door!’

  I stared at her, mouth open wide. It was liked someone had just flicked a switch inside her. I’d never heard her so much as swear in the office, never mind lose her temper. I jumped out of the car and started to run towards the house, the strains of Jo shouting my name growing fainter as I went.

  It was clear there was nobody standing outside the house. No Harriet and no Evie. I reached the front door, panting and gulping in air. I dashed down the side of the house into the back ya
rd.

  ‘Evie,’ I called frantically. ‘Evie!’

  A head appeared over the hedge.

  ‘Lost your daughter again, have you?’ Colin smirked.

  ‘Fuck off,’ I snarled, and ran back to the front of the house. Jo had parked up and was walking towards me.

  ‘Toni, for God’s sake, you have to calm down.’ She grabbed my arm. ‘You have to think logically. Let’s go inside.’

  57

  Three Years Earlier

  Toni

  ‘Is there anywhere Evie liked to go? A local park, perhaps?’

  The detective and a police officer, DI Manvers and PC Holt, stood opposite me as I sat on the sofa, next to Jo.

  ‘She doesn’t know the area,’ I blurted out tearfully. ‘We only just moved here. Surely there are other things we can be doing apart from just sitting here?’

  ‘I can assure you there’s plenty happening behind the scenes, Mrs Cotter,’ DI Manvers replied. ‘Our team is currently in the process of contacting the head teacher and the chair of governors. We’ll be hearing back from them very soon.’

  ‘Could a neighbour have taken her in?’ PC Holt suggested.

  Colin. I jumped up.

  ‘Sal’s son, next door. He’s been in prison.’ I moved towards the kitchen. ‘He’s in the garden now, he’s taken Evie before.’

  DI Manvers stepped forward with a sense of urgency. ‘He’s taken her before?’

  ‘He said she could feed the puppy,’ I said, faintly aware my words were taut and high-pitched. I couldn’t stop shivering.

  DI Manvers muttered something to his colleague and walked to the front door, reaching down to his radio. PC Holt put her arm around my shoulders and pressed me back down into my seat.

  ‘I don’t want to sit down,’ I snapped, standing up again. ‘You should be out there, looking for her. Colin could have her next door, he could’ve snatched her—’

  ‘Toni.’ The officer’s voice was firm but kind. ‘It’s important we remain calm. More than likely there’s simply been a misunderstanding. Perhaps a friend’s mum has taken Evie home.’

  ‘I keep trying to tell you’ – I pressed my face into my hands, distorting the words – ‘we don’t know anyone, we just moved to the area. I can’t just sit here, we need to do something.’

  ‘OK. There are things being done, Toni. We’re getting school staff, and DI Manvers is next door now, speaking to your neighbour.’

  Colin’s smirking face flashed into my mind.

  ‘If he’s touched her, I’ll kill him, I’ll—’

  ‘Toni, have you been drinking?’ PC Holt stared at me and I turned my face away. ‘You seem a little vague.’

  ‘I’m just tired,’ I said quickly, the words feeling awkward on my tongue. ‘It’s been a terrible day.’ And then I remembered and I felt colder still. ‘Oh my God, I forgot about my mum. She’s stuck in A&E.’

  ‘Leave your mum to me,’ Jo said, standing up. I gave her the details and she left the house.

  The doorbell rang and PC Holt went to the door. I heard voices and then Harriet Watson walked into the room.

  ‘Where is she?’ I shouted, dashing towards her. ‘Where’s Evie?’

  PC Holt caught my arm before I could reach Harriet.

  ‘I thought you’d collected her, Toni,’ she said quietly. ‘I went to check where you were, and when I came back, Evie had gone. I thought you’d taken her without telling me.’

  ‘What? How could you do that? That’s negligence.’ I looked wildly at the police officers. Everyone looked back at me steadily.

  Harriet coughed. ‘You’ve been late so often collecting Evie and you’ve taken her before without telling anyone, I just thought—’

  ‘I’ve never taken her before, you’re lying!’ My eyes darted around the room, trying to remember if I had been late or taken Evie out of school. ‘I left a message on the school answerphone. I said I was on my way.’

  ‘I checked the answerphone.’ Harriet shook her head. ‘There were no messages and no contact sheet in Evie’s file, so I couldn’t even call you.’

  I thought about the incomplete pupil contact form on the kitchen worktop, perched on top of a stack of unpaid bills.

  ‘I left a message, I’m sure I did,’ I said faintly, but I couldn’t quite recall if I had, or what I might have said.

  ‘Mrs Cotter,’ said DI Manvers, who had just re-entered the room. ‘Your memory seems a little patchy, have you—’

  ‘No, I haven’t been drinking,’ I snarled. ‘She’s already asked me that.’ I narrowed my eyes at PC Holt. ‘It’s the shock, I feel all panicky inside.’

  The officers glanced at each other.

  ‘You’ve been late for Evie before,’ PC Holt stated, looking at her notebook.

  ‘I haven’t, not that I know of. Anyway, that’s not a crime, is it? The traffic can be really bad sometimes.’

  ‘Of course,’ she agreed. ‘But Miss Watson has also said you’ve been a little mixed up about which days Evie has her after-school sessions, too.’

  I glared at Harriet and she looked away.

  ‘She had a session today, I know that. And she’ – I pointed a shaking finger at Harriet – ‘she let someone take Evie.’

  ‘I thought you had taken her,’ Harriet said. ‘You were forty minutes late. I asked Evie to stay in the classroom and I went to reception to see if you were there. We couldn’t just sit there all night, waiting for you, when everyone else had gone home.’

  ‘We’ve got officers out looking for your daughter now,’ DI Manvers said. ‘She may well have wondered off, looking for you, when Miss Watson went to the office.’

  ‘My mum had a fall, she was at the hospital,’ I said softly. ‘And then I got snarled up in traffic from an accident. There was nothing I could do.’ I looked at DI Manvers. ‘Did you go next door?’

  ‘Yes, I spoke to your neighbour and his mother. He’s been at home all day with her. They were very helpful actually.’

  I bet they were. I pushed thoughts of Colin being upstairs in my bedroom swiftly away.

  Harriet Watson took a breath, her eyes owl-like behind her glasses. ‘If only we’d had a contact number for you, we would have known what was happening.’

  Four pairs of eyes turned to me then and I saw a conclusion had been reached; it was plainly etched on their faces.

  They had made their minds up. This was all my fault.

  58

  Present Day

  Queen’s Medical Centre

  The nice nurse comes into the room and closes the door behind her. I can smell her subtle perfume and listen as she mutters to herself under her breath as she verbally ticks off her jobs.

  ‘So, how are we today?’ she asks me as always. ‘Did you miss me? I had a couple of days off.’

  I did. I did miss you.

  ‘My son, he lives down in Devon with his wife and my grandson, Riley. They came up to see me and we had the loveliest time. Have you got children or grandchildren?’ She comes close to the bed. A big smudge of white and blue, right at the corner of my eye. ‘Sorry, I should talk to you here, so you can see me.’

  Her face appears above me. She has dark hair and blue eyes. She smiles and I see that her front teeth are very slightly crossed. Her eyebrows need waxing and her temples are flecked with grey. Her breath smells faintly of coffee and maybe smoke.

  She looks slightly familiar, but this is the first time I’ve seen her properly. Usually she says hello and her face pops fleetingly in front of me, barely looking at me before she’s gone again, busying around the equipment, taking her readings and making her evaluations.

  ‘I’m Nancy. They’ve put me on this ward permanently now, so you’ll be seeing quite a bit of me. Hope that’s OK.’

  I try to widen my eyes, to make her see I am there, behind them.

  She frowns down at me. ‘They tell me your sister visited just the once. The names and details she left for herself and for you don’t match up with anything. It’s lik
e the two of you don’t exist.’

  I stare back at her. She’s looking intently at me, as if she’s really puzzling over something.

  ‘Let’s see now.’ She moves away. I hear her shuffling around in the cabinet next to me, where they put my handbag. ‘What have we got here? Maybe something that can show us who you are? Has anyone gone through your things with you?’

  No. Most of them have written me off.

  She rattles some keys and I hear paper crinkling. I love this woman for trying, for even considering I might be present. I feel the tiniest burst of hope inside.

  ‘A photograph,’ she murmurs, and a second later her face is in front of me again. ‘So, who’s this?’

  She holds the small portrait directly in front of my eyes.

  It’s the photograph of Evie that she had taunted me with. She must have dropped it when Dr Chance came into the room unexpectedly. Someone, probably the cleaner, has put it in my handbag, thinking it belongs to me.

  Evie had obviously refused to smile for the camera, but that doesn’t matter. Her hair is a beautiful chestnut-brown colour and she’s wearing a dress I’ve never seen before, a fancy affair that looks as if it cost a fortune. A soft cream fabric, patterned with red swirls and dots, like winter berries on snow.

  I wait for the adrenaline rush to my head, that electrical charge that powered me to blink before. But it doesn’t come. As the nurse stares down at me, I am completely and utterly unresponsive.

  Something inside me shrivels and it feels like I have just stepped a little closer to letting go of the thread that tethers me to the real world. The world I no longer exist in but haven’t fully left.

  Soon, it will be time for me to let go, to fade away. If only I can do this one last thing for Evie first, to put right all my terrible mistakes. Then my job will be done.