by T. S. Hugo
The snow fell steadily on the empty downtown streets. The solitary figure made his way through the blinding white curtain of snow that faced him. He approached the old church that he had remembered from his youth. Every Sunday, regardless of the weather, his father had led them through the old, heavy wooden doors to the same pew.
Billy had often daydreamed as the preacher went through his weekly ritual. In his younger years, he had thought of his favorite war comic books and relived the battleground scenes. As a teenager, he had dreamed of the cute girls in his class. His neighbor, Emily, was the girl he dreamt of most often. Her strawberry blonde hair seemed to catch fire in the bright sunshine of summer. During the winter, her hat and scarf accentuated a face that could have belonged to an angel.
Billy wondered what she was doing right now. She was still living at home from what he had heard most recently. She was probably curled up in front of her parent’s fireplace reading a book and enjoying a cup of hot chocolate. She was always reading whether it was a biography of a famous woman or the latest romance release. She had never understood his reluctance or disinterest in the written word. He had never told her how difficult it was to read when all the words looked scrambled. She had also never understood how he could quit high school and take a minimum wage job at the local factory. Emily had repeatedly berated him for his shortcomings. However, he still loved her.
He walked up to the old stable that housed the nativity scene in front of the church. It appeared to be the same one that they had used in his youth. The figures looked worn from age and the roof of the structure was beginning to crumble. Billy counted the three wise men and tried to remember the names of the gifts that they had brought to the baby Jesus. He recalled myrrh and then gave up. He focused on the statue of the baby with the golden halo that crowned his head. He thought about the journey of the baby’s life. How he had tried to bring God’s word to the people and how ultimately he was rejected and crucified. However, he was born to die for all our sins. At least that is what his preacher had told him all those years ago.
Billy thought of the journey of his own life and tried to compare it to the man who had died on the cross. He certainly was misunderstood but he was also lost. He reached inside his woolen overcoat and felt for the bottle that he routinely carried. He turned his back on the nativity scene and took a swig from the bottle. Was he embarrassed to allow the holy personages to see him drink? The powerful taste of vodka shot warmth throughout his body. He wiped the driving snow away from his face and slowly walked towards an alley in the back of the church.
The glow of a fire illuminated the surroundings on this dark night. A small group of ragged characters huddled in a circle to absorb the warmth.
“Well, look who it is,” an old man with a red face and an unkempt beard remarked.
“We were getting worried about you,” a plump woman with straggly white hair added.
“I was just making my rounds seeing what was going on.”
“Did you make anything?” the bearded man questioned.
Billy removed a handful of coins from his pocket. The bearded man’s eyes glowed and a toothless smile broke upon his face.
“People seem to be in the Christmas spirit. They are more giving at this time of year,” Billy stated.
“They are more generous to a young man such as yourself. You have not worn out your welcome yet.”
“I suppose,” Billy replied as he studied the coins in his hand. The silver coins made him think of the thirty pieces of silver for which Judas had betrayed Jesus. Why did he keep having these thoughts of religious imagery? Perhaps the time of the year and the nativity scene had influenced his mindset.
“I thought you may have gone home,” the plump woman said softly.
Billy shook his head. “I can’t.”
“They will forgive you,” she added.
“Please, I don’t want to talk about this.”
She sighed and placed her hand reassuringly on his shoulder.
The snow continued to blow as Billy watched the last embers of the fire burn away. He crawled into a space where a wooden board provided overhead protection from the elements. He rubbed his hands together to try and create warmth through friction. The tattered gloves that he wore were beginning to fall apart. He pulled his hat down over his forehead to eye level and attempted to cover his ears. No matter what he did, it seemed that his feet were always cold and at times frostbitten. He prayed that morning would come quickly. The rising sun would signify that he had survived another night adrift in a harsh, cold world.
Emily sat on her parent’s couch and flipped through a photograph album from her youth. She smiled at pictures of her grandparents holding her as a baby. Then she came to the picture of her first pony ride. One photograph caused her to pause and her smile slowly vanished from her face. It was a picture of her dressed as a princess for Halloween and next to her stood a little boy dressed as a soldier.
“Why did he always dress as a soldier,” she muttered to herself.
She was surprised to find a tear stream from her eye and down her cheek. Billy had always been a love/hate issue for her. His outlook and attitude towards life had always frustrated her. She was the aggressive achiever who would not be happy unless she was at the top of her class. Billy was the flighty underachiever who floated through life on a whim.
“Billy,” she said sadly.
Part of her had loved him despite his shortcomings. They had grown up together and shared many memories. He had been the first boy she had kissed when they played in the tree house that her brother had built. They had gone to summer camp together where they rowed a boat to the middle of the lake. It had begun to rain and their clothes had been soaked by the time they reached shore. They had laughed uncontrollably at the look on their instructor’s face. She still remembered the sound of the chirping frogs on a hot summer night and the turtles that would sunbathe by the lake. She recalled the excitement that built inside when Billy had asked her to be his date for the prom. She had felt so proud of him as he looked so handsome in his suit. He had been so nervous as he pinned a corsage to her dress that his hand had shook uncontrollably. She wondered if Billy ever thought of these memories. She sadly closed the photo album as if closing his chapter of her life.
Billy sat against a concrete wall at the corner of the busy, downtown street. People rushed by to finish their holiday shopping. Many looked at him with disgust and annoyance. Others turned their heads in the opposite direction to ignore his presence. An older man in a heavy coat stopped and threw a dollar bill into his hat.
“Merry Christmas,” the man bellowed.
Billy nodded his head in acknowledgement.
The sun began to set and the streets became empty as the shops closed. Billy stood and stretched his cold frame. He began the long walk back to his sleeping area. As he turned the corner, he found his path blocked by two men. He recognized them as fellow beggars from another part of town.
“Make much?” one asked.
“Not really,” Billy replied as he tried to pass them.
“Aren’t you going to share with us? This is the season of giving.”
“Sorry,” Billy muttered as his hands clenched to fists inside his coat.
“Do you hear that Kelvin? The boy is not going to share with us. He wants us to starve on this cold night.”
“That is very unkind of him,” Kelvin replied. “Since he is trespassing on our part of town, I think he owes us a royalty.”
The man named Kelvin pushed Billy backwards. The other man grabbed him from behind and shoved his hands into Billy’s pockets. The man pulled the money out and several coins fell to the snow-covered ground. Billy dove towards the money but the man kicked him in the ribs and added a punch to his head. Billy tried to fi
ght back but pain shot through his already worn body. He watched the men scoop up the money and hurry away.
He lay on his back and could see countless stars twinkling overhead. Light flurries of snow fell and drifted onto his face. He felt a strange peace and was unsure how long he was in this position. Suddenly, he saw a shadow loom over him. Billy squinted to see if this was a real person or a figment of his imagination. He noticed that the figure wore a thick chain with a cross of gold that dangled from it. The faceless shadow seemed to silently study him.
“Who are you?” Billy stammered.
“You know me,” the being replied.
“I don’t think I do.”
“You do but you have forgotten.”
“Can you help me?” Billy pleaded.
“Yes but you need to walk with me,” the figure extended a hand towards him.
Blackness surrounded Billy. When he awoke, the shadow was gone and replaced by a policeman shining a flashlight into his face.
“Hey buddy, are you alright?” he asked.
“Yes,” Billy replied getting to his feet.
“Why don’t you come with me? I will take you to a warm place.”
“I’m not going to any shelter,” Billy retorted.
“It is for your own good. It is going to be freezing tonight. The snow will be falling all night.”
“No thanks,” Billy said as he walked away into the snowy night.
Christmas morning was marked by bright sunshine as Emily pulled on her sweater and jacket. She joined her parents as they attended service. The small church was crowded and the parishioners were in jovial spirits.
During the service, Emily’s mother whispered to her. “The Broderick’s are here.”
“Where?” Emily questioned.
“Over there,” her mother nodded in their direction. “I don’t see Billy with them.”
After a pause Emily whispered, “I was thinking of him the other day when I was looking at some old pictures. I wonder where he is?”
Her mother shook her head sadly.
After the service, they ran into Billy’s parents outside the church. The encounter was awkward as Billy was on their minds yet his name was unspoken. For the next few days, the thought of Billy seemed to haunt Emily.
“Mom, what was the last you heard about him?”
“Who?”
“Billy.”
“Well, his aunt had told me that he had left home. I think he may have been thrown out due to his drinking. She said he was a drifter.”
“Oh.”
“It is sad what happened to him. I still remember him as the cute little boy who always had a mischievous smile on his face. If only the accident hadn’t happened. I don’t think he ever forgave himself.”
“Do you think his parents ever forgave him?”
“I have no idea Emily. That is between them and the Lord.”
“I just keep thinking that he needs someone. It is as if someone wants me to find him.”
“Emily, he has been lost for a long time. It would take a strong hand to guide him down a righteous path.”
“I know Mom. But we can’t all give up on him.”
“Well perhaps his parents could give you some leads on his whereabouts.”
Emily felt nervous as she knocked on the Broderick’s door. Billy’s mother answered and wore a surprised look upon seeing Emily.
“Emily, it is nice to see you. Come on in.”
They sat on a couch that encompassed a good part of the living room. “What made you stop by?”
“Well, I am sure this will be difficult to talk about…”
“Is it about Billy?”
Emily nodded. “Something has driven me to find out about him. I know many years have passed.”
Mrs. Broderick smiled, “It is okay. I still think about him too. He blamed himself more than anyone else blamed him.”
“Do you know where he is?”
She frowned. “I can’t say that I do. He left one day and never came back. Friends have told me that they have seen him wandering about town. They said he still looks the same if not a little worn,” her voice began to break with emotion. “Emily, his drinking had become a major problem. He was never sober and was no longer the Billy that we all remember. He hated himself and his anger turned towards others. He would smash things and scream irrationally. We tried to get him help numerous times. It would work for a short time but he always returned to the demon alcohol. I don’t think he was ready to let go of the demons inside him. They haunt him in the form of memories about the accident. Until her forgives himself, he will never be cured.”
“Do you still have hope?”
“A mother can never give up on her child. He is the only one I have left. I pray that he will return one day. We would more than welcome him.”
“I want to try and find him,” Emily surprised herself by saying.
“I hope you do and I know that the Lord will help you.”
The following morning, Emily set out on her quest to find Billy. She stopped by a couple of community centers but no one seemed to recognize a man with his description. Then she stopped at the church to speak to Reverend Smith.
The heavy-set man of God met her at the door and welcomed her into his kitchen. Streams of sunlight poured through the window as he poured her a cup of hot cocoa.
“So you are looking for Billy.”
“How do you know?” Emily replied with surprise.
The Reverend smiled, “I spoke to his mother this morning. I suspect that you will be asking me the same questions that she did. So before you ask, I have seen him. He seems to be keeping company with a group of homeless people who loiter not far from here. They sleep in the alleys and beg during the day. You can sometimes see them in the downtown area asking the shoppers for change. I have visited with them on a few occasions. On one occasion, Billy was there. I asked him how he was and got little response. He looks all right although a little older and ragged. I tried to convince him to come back here with me. I thought that I could contact his parents and they could reunite with him. He would not hear of it. After that suggestion, he seemed anxious to get away from me. It is such a shame.”
“So you think he may still be in this area?”
“I am sure. I don’t think he went far. Emily, what made you decide to look for him if you don’t mind me asking?
Emily sighed. “Honestly, I am not sure. It is as if something is driving me to do this. I tried to ignore the feeling and go on with my everyday life. But I can’t. I must find him.”
“The Lord works in mysterious ways. Perhaps, you are meant to find him. He is still young and his soul can be saved. If only we can forgive ourselves as easily as we sometimes forgive others.
Emily began her search around the downtown area where many beggars frequented. She spent several dollars worth of spare change trying to evoke information from the transients. However, she found no conclusive leads. Mainly, the results were alcohol-induced descriptions of men who could have been Billy.
Daylight was beginning to dim as Emily started searching the alleys in back of the church. She frowned as she passed homeless men wrapped in blankets lying by trash disposals. She peered at the faces but none looked familiar. She tentatively approached a fire where several people sat. She felt her pulse quicken as she wondered whether she was putting herself in a dangerous situation. The transients glared at her as she approached.
“Hello,” she said shyly. “I am looking for someone.”
“So is everyone,” was the gruff reply from a bearded man.
“I would appreciate any help in finding him.”
“How much have you got?”
“I can pay,” she replied coyly. She was reluctant to reveal how much money she was carrying for fear of robbery.
“What is his name?” a stringy haired woman questioned her.
“Billy.”
The two homeless people looked at each other and Emily realized that they knew him.
After a pause the bearded man replied, “Never heard of him.”
At that moment, a man appeared and said loudly, “What a long day…” He stopped suddenly upon seeing Emily and his expression changed to shock.
“Billy?” Emily cried.
The man turned and ran down the alley disappearing into a side street.
“Come back! I need to talk to you.”
“Are you a relative?” the stringy haired woman asked.
“A friend.”
The woman rose to her feet. “My name is Sadie. Walk with me.”
They walked down the street to where an old bench sat in what once must have been a park.
“Billy is a good boy,” Sadie began. “He is still young. He should go home and be with his family. I keep telling him.”
“Why do you think he doesn’t?”
“The boy has issues like we all do. He drinks like a fish. But his problem runs deeper than that. He hasn’t told us but I can sense it.”
“What do you think I should do Sadie?”
“Don’t give up. He spends a lot of time around here. He will come back. He ran because he didn’t know how to face you. He will have time to think about it. He usually sleeps in the alley next to where we just were. Perhaps you will find him there in the morning.”
Emily reached into her pocket and handed Sadie several dollars. “Buy yourself something to stay warm.”
“God bless you and take that boy home.”
Billy pulled the blanket tightly to his neck. He squinted his eyes and could see that daylight was beginning to break. He felt a presence near him and fear shot through his system. He reached for the knife that he kept nearby for protection. He felt the cold blade touch his fingers as he grasped the handle. He pounced from his sleeping position and grabbed the intruder. He grabbed his opponent’s hair with his free hand but stopped abruptly when he heard a feminine scream. His eyes opened wide when he saw the strawberry blonde young woman before him.
“Don’t run. I just want to talk to you,” Emily said breathlessly.