Spoiled Secrets

by Ebony N. Donahue

  Isaiah 26:12

  O Lord, you will ordain peace for us, for you have indeed done for us all our works.

  Nahum 1:7

  Jehovah is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; and he knows them that take refuge in him.

  “GOD, please, I have prayed and begged numerous times. I am coming to you in prayer today not for me personally, but for the one I love. Please, do not allow him to be burdened by my unfortunate burdens. Do not allow him to be consumed in anger and hatefulness. His soul is too pure to be tainted by such darkness. GOD, he is my light in my abyss of obscurity. Do not allow my taint to slither into his light. In Jesus name, I pray.”

  His fingers are combing through my hair as I utter the last of my desperate prayer to GOD. We stay like that for a few minutes; me kneeling, him calming, my head resting on his lap, his soothing fingers running through my hair. The heavy burden that consumed us just minutes ago has been lifted. The oppressive energy has all, but dissipated. We are content to linger in the aftermath due to the sudden calming peace that surrounds us.

  “Amber?”

  “Chase?” We speak at the same time, breaking the silence.

  “Chase, please let me speak first.” I pause to give him a chance to respond…he remains silent. I take that as my queue to continue.

  “Everyone sees me and they think, look at perfect Amber Wallace, but they really don’t know me.” I take a quick breather to prepare myself to open this gilded cage that surrounds me, to let him in just a little. “Hell, Keisha and Emily only know so much, only what I allow them to see. No one person knows everything about me.” I stare at my hands that are entwined in my lap, as I confess to him.

  “What’s going on Amber?” Chase says in a patient voice.

  “Chase, do you trust me?” I look up at him.

  “Yes!” No hesitation.

  “Well, trust me when I say, I will tell you soon.” I take in a deep breath and exhale loudly. “This is not easy for me. What I can tell you is, in a few months I will graduate and soon after I plan on moving far away from this place. I will be moving so fast, you will think the devil himself was knocking down my door.” I let out an unsteady laugh. “Trust me, I promise I will tell you everything. I just need a little time.”

  I lift from his lap and gaze into his eyes. It’s as if gravity itself is pushing us together. We inch closer and closer, until our lips are centimeter away from each other. As he leans in to give us both what are bodies are craving, he whispers his response.

  “Okay.”

  He takes my mouth with gentle caresses. His lips are the softest I’ve ever felt. My personal luscious pillows, his lips are perfect. He sucks my lower lip into his mouth and I groan in pleasure. He storms my gates. I have no other choice, but to open and let him pillage me. I surrender! His velvet tongue enters my mouth. We simultaneously vocalize our desire in beastly grunts and mewling sounds. He brings this out in me, he makes me feel things that I never have imagined are possible.

  Our time spent in our little corner of nirvana was interrupted by childish giggles.

  “Ooohhhhh…Amber and Chase, sitting in a tree….actually a car…K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a nappy headed kid in a baby carriage!”

  Peanuts giggling as she repeats her taunt several times. Thank GOD for small blessings because that kiss was getting a little out of hand. Chase reaches out and grabs Peanut and starts tickling her. The mood is lightened, they’re bantering back and forth. I love to watch them play, I stand here and take it in all in. This is what a family should be like.

  Chase lowers her to the ground after giving her a big bear hug and a loving kiss on her cheek. “Peanut, can you grab the chicken from the back seat for me?”

  Peanut starts jumping up and down. “You brought us some dirty bird for dinner?”

  I start laughing. “What the hell is a, dirty bird?”

  Chase joins in my laughter. “Long story short, we went to a state fair when Peanut was younger, it was her first time seeing chickens. Boy, did they smell! Ever since then she’s called chickens, no matter if they are alive, fried, or baked, she’s called all forms of chicken, Dirty Birds”.

  “Cause that’s what they are; dirty, stinking, deliciously fried dirty birds! But, I love them. It’s my favorite food, right Chase?” Peanut grabs the bag and starts running for the house not waiting on an answer to her question.

  “Yes, and slow down before you fall!” Chase yells after his sister.

  “MOM! Guess what’s for dinner, DIRTY BIRD!” She yells, stumbles and quickly rights herself.

  She turns to grace Chase and I with a smile then quickly disappear in the house. I grab Chase’s hand to intertwine our fingers.

  “Let’s go eat, love.” I say as I look up into his eyes. I turn towards the house. As I step forward to follow after his sister with him in tow, I am halted in place by a quick tug.

  “Listen Amber, I promise I will give you time to tell me what’s going on. But, I will be less than a man if I claimed to be okay with the situation. Honestly, I don’t want to take you back to that house, I just don’t trust him. Something isn’t sitting right in here.” He brings our joined hands up and places them over his heart.

  “The only way I will be marginally okay with you going back, is if you agree to me teaching you some self-defense moves. I need to know that I have done everything possible to help, if trouble comes knocking at your door. The level of anger that motherfucker showed today……I don’t trust this whole situation. And, I sure don’t fucking trust him!” He looks me in the eyes before he finishes. “This is how it’s going to be. Either you agree to four days of training after school each week or you’re moving in with me.”

  “What do you mean, moving in with you?”

  “Exactly what I said, if you do not agree to my terms, you will not be stepping foot inside your parent’s house unless I’m with you.” He stands there stoned face and…serious.

  “Let’s say, I took you up on your offer, I would need to go home to pack my bags. I mean, I would have to let my parents know, right?” Am I really contemplating this?

  “Amber, you are eighteen, by the law you are considered an adult. You do not need anyone’s permission to move away from your parents’ home. All that material stuff, you don’t need any of that. If you move in with me I’ll take you shopping, I’ll replace all of it. Hell, I’ll even buy you another car.”

  “What? Chase, now you’re talking crazy. You can replace all of my stuff and my car! This is crazy! You couldn’t afford it and plus I would not burden you with replacing my things.”

  He pulls me to him and wraps me in his arms. “Just because my home isn’t as big as yours or I don’t drive a Jag to school, that doesn’t qualify me as being broke. Sweetheart, if I want a home like yours I can buy it tomorrow.” He chuckles at my stunned look.

  “What are you saying Chase?”

  “After my father’s death, we decided to relocate. We all wanted a fresh start. My family has always been well off, Amber. My mother doesn’t work. Hell, I can choose to sit my ass home after graduating and not finish my education if I wanted to and live very comfortably. My father was a very smart man who made six figures a year. He also made excellent investments over the years.”

  “Again…Chase, what are you saying?”

  “I’m saying, upon my father’s death everything was signed over to me. Not my mother, everything went to me. I’m not a flashy guy, Amber. I have never been or will I ever be that kind of person. I don’t like to brag about my wealth, that’s never been in my character. So, when I decided it was time for a change, that it was time to leave our painful ghost behind, I wanted to live under the radar. So, I decided on here, the middle of nowhere, to set up our roots.”

  I stand in bewilderment. I’m so confused. “Can we sit so that you can explain this to me? You caught me off guard with this confession.”

  He leads me to their deck and we settle in. All this tim
e I thought he was just an average Joe. Don’t get me wrong, I would love this man with or without money.

  “Look Amber, it’s no big secret. Then again, it’s nothing I want to advertise either. As you have witnessed on plenty of occasions, I love my sister. Some would say I love her as a parent would love their own child. That would be the closest to my situation. I know she’s my sister, everyone knows that, but I’m much more.”

  I look at him expectantly. “What does that mean?”

  “My mom had a mental breakdown when Francis was born. My parents loved each other so much. They loved and couldn’t wait for Peanut to be born.” He smiles as if he’s remembering something sweet.

  “She took to me right away.” He shakes his head sadly. “But, mom, there wasn’t a bond between them at all. Peanut had colic really bad and things just kept getting worse. Mom slid fast into depression. My dad started staying away a lot, which in turn, caused me to step up and raise my sister by myself.”

  He looks at me, but I remain silent. “All that stress broke my mother. She was institutionalized for a while. I believe that is the point when my father changed his will, life insurance policies, and added me as the beneficiary to it all.” I grab his hand in silent support. “After a while mom came home, she got better. Her and dad were fine….then the accident happened. My father’s death was too much for her to handle. She backslid into that dark place again.”

  “Was she upset when she found out that everything belonged to you? That your father left you as the beneficiary to the finances?” He shakes his head.

  “No, she wasn’t mad at all. Amber, you have to see it from her viewpoint. I was already taking care of everything. Dad loved us, but it broke him to see his wife diminished to such a degree. Some might say it was cowardly of him to stay away from home like he did, but I don’t view it as such. I do not agree on how he handled the situation at all, but I realized something about my father. We did not notice that his metal capabilities had weakened…he was devastated. He was dealing with bouts of depression, but he hid it well. You might say he lost his wife the day she gave birth.”

  I inhaled sharply. “Chase, how can you say that?” I take a quick look around to make sure Peanut wasn’t skulking around. No child should view themselves as the reason their parents tumbled into darkness.

  “It’s harsh, but it’s the truth, Amber. He found reasons to work longer hours in order to stay away from being smacked in the face by, what could have been. He made sure I had the money to pay the bills. I was already taking care of Peanut full time. So, his decision did not come as a surprise. What came as a surprise was my mother signing over her parental rights to me when I turned seventeen.”

  “What-the-hell?” I’m sitting in shock, mouth hanging open. Chase chuckles, reaches over and shuts my gaping mouth.

  “Listen, this way it’s easier for me to take her to doctor’s visits, which also goes for anything that requires a parent’s signature, pertaining to my sister. I am able to do it all. Per the law, I am her parent. But, within these walls, and out in public our mother is our mother. She is our parent. Do you realize how courageous my mother was to make the decision to do this, to sign over her rights? She did not make this decision as a way to bail out. She made it as a failsafe option?”

  “What do you mean?” I understand I am sounding like one of those damned annoying parrots, but I’m eager to hear this explanation.

  “My mother is terrified of slipping back into depression, of being hospitalized. She made this decision out of love, Amber. Love for both my sister and I. To make sure that Francis will always be with the one person who has cared for her no matter what. I love that little girl as if she were my own child.” He squeezes my hand. “This is not public knowledge, Amber. Just like you asked me to trust you earlier, I am entrusting this information to you. Can I trust you not to repeat any of this?”

  “Yes” I gaze into his eyes, staring in wonderment.

  “Now, enough of the heavy shit. Are you moving in or am I training you to kick ass if the need arise?” He pulls me into the comfort of his arms and holds me to his chest. He kisses the top of my head while waiting for my answer.

  “I think moving out would be disastrous right now. Let’s not poke the sleeping bear, okay? I’ll agree to the training, would that make you happy?”

  He kisses my head again and starts leading me to the door of his home. “Yeah, that makes me happy.” He stops just outside the door.

  “I’m curious, what were you muttering about when I went loco in the car?” He looks down at me.

  I flush in embarrassment. “I was quoting scripture from the bible.” He looks at me, like he’s trying to decipher me.

  “Do you do that a lot?”

  “Yes”

  “What’s your favorite scripture that you like to quote?”

  “Really Chase, this is so embarrassing! Do you honestly want to hear it?”

  “Yes.”

  I look at him and take in his serious demeanor. I decide that this is who I am, why get embarrassed and shameful because I have a relationship with GOD.

  “I might not go to church often, but I am a true believer of GOD. I would like to think that I have a really good relationship with him. Some people get on their knees to pray, some go to a church to confess their sins and ask the priest to pass along their prayers. Personally, I speak to him as if he is one of my friends. So, some days when I’m angry I might vent, curse, and wail. Other days, I’m apologizing for my behavior. It’s a roller-coaster ride, our relationship. Do you have a problem with that?”

  “Amber, why would I have a problem with your relationship with GOD? That is nothing to be ashamed of. So, stop procrastinating and quote your favorite passage. I’m eager to hear.”

  I glance up at him and pray silently that he doesn’t read to far between the lines of this passage.

  “ST LUKE 6:27-28 – But, I say unto you which hear, love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.” My eyes never leave his as I quote this. I swear he sees me and all of my many demons. But, I do not cower, I stand stoically for my assessment.

  He grabs my hand and yanks me through the door. “We start training Monday, right after school! Because if that is your favorite passage from the bible I want you prepared for anything that might come your way. Now let’s eat.”

  Chapter 19

  I need this night out. I’ve been walking on egg shells since my dad flipped out. I have tried really hard to stay out of his way when he’s home and have done a damn good job of that because I haven’t seen him once. I need to direct my thoughts away from the craziness and focus on the more important task at hand, I need to dress fly tonight. Like, BAD BITCH FLY! I want to represent my man well. I don’t want his friends heading back home asking themselves, “What is he doing with her?”

  Chase mentioned that four of his friends are visiting him from Houston. I believe he said their names were Brent, Blake, Jazz and Cameron. The girls and I have been badgering him non-stop to give us a tad bit of 411 on his buddies, but he hasn’t given us one hint.

  Surprise, surprise…Emily has made up her mind and called dibs on Jazz. It’s totally crazy, she’s never met him before in her life. I asked her, why Jazz? Her response was, “Brent, Blake and Cameron sounds like average boring names. Like, they were born and raised in one of Dr. Seuss’s vacation towns called, Dull-Ville.”

  She thinks Jazz sounds badass. Her exact words to Chase were, “I call dibs on Jazz. If he plays nice I’ll show him a little sass. If he’s really hot, I might treat him to a little ass! But, if he’s too stuck on himself, I will just pass.”

  Chase smiled and told Emily that she was definitely Jazz’s type. The thing is, his smile and the chuckle that followed were of the devilish variety. Maybe it’s that I know him so well, better than my girls, that I was able to pick up on his mischievous smile. His smile has me anticipating this meeting between friends
.

  Ring – Ring – Ring

  I look down at my cellphone, Emily’s face shows on the screen. I would love to say, I wonder what she wants. Unfortunately, there is no wondering needed. I know my girls like the back of my hand. Plus, she’s been calling all day with the same crap. What do you think he’s like? What should I wear? Should I wear sassy, but classy heels or fuck me pumps? Should I wear my hair up or down? I’m thinking Jazz is sort of built like Chase, what do you think?

  I activate my Bluetooth. “Hey girl, what’s up?”

  Emily laughs. “How did you know it was me? Scratch that question don’t answer it that was a dumb question. The caller ID and my beautiful face appearing on your phone screen announced me, right?”

  “Hold on Emily, Keisha’s calling in. Let me merge the calls.”