The Surgeon's Engagement Wish
Page 11
Or was there?
She’d been scared.
Why hadn’t he seen that? Of course she’d been scared. But, then, Beth had always been a little nervous of anything new in those days. She’d always tried so hard to get things right and her self-esteem had never been as high as it should have been. And no wonder. How much of her life had she spent trying to win a little attention from her parents?
What had she said? That the only thing she’d ever done that they’d really approved of had been to produce him as a potential son-in-law?
Luke couldn’t imagine what it would be like, growing up in an atmosphere where acceptance and love were scarce commodities.
If he’d been thinking about her, rather than the impression he’d been trying to make that night she’d taken him home to meet her parents, he might have recognised her reticence as fear then, too.
She’d been so quiet. Self-effacing. Listening to praise of her siblings with apparent interest. Simply smiling at what Luke had seen as fond teasing about her own choices.
‘Beth could have managed medical school, you know, Luke,’ Nigel Dawson had said. ‘She’s bright enough.’
‘Just stubborn,’ Celia Dawson had added. ‘Do you know, Luke, when she was a toddler, she would wear her shoes on the wrong feet all day, rather than admit she’d got it wrong?’
And Nigel had laughed. ‘Must have hurt her feet. Maybe she’s not so bright after all!’
Luke had winked at Beth to let her know he’d known it hadn’t been serious. That he had been laughing with her father, not at her. And even then, Luke realised with shame, he would have been flattered at the idea that he would become a man like Nigel Dawson.
Who hadn’t heard of the famous surgeon? The man was an arrogant bastard, sure, but everybody knew he was the best. He had a terrible temper and was renowned for throwing things in the OR. He treated his wife, who was invariably his anaesthetist with contempt in the professional arena but he was a brilliant surgeon. The best.
And Luke had been hungry to be the best.
He wouldn’t have been anything like Beth’s father in any other respect, though. The very thought was shocking.
As shocking as suddenly being underwater when he stepped forward into a hole and found himself out of his depth. He surfaced a second or two later, swimming back to waist-deep water, but he’d lost one of the iron rods he had been striking against each other so there seemed little point in staying where he was.
They would all soon go back to the beach in any case, leaving the boats to patrol the bay and hopefully keep the whales from stranding themselves again. A huge driftwood bonfire had been built so that the volunteers could dry off and warm themselves, and he could smell the sausages and bacon being cooked up for a celebratory breakfast on the gas barbecues. After the long, hard night, a celebration was called for.
But Luke had never felt less like celebrating.
Any anger he’d directed towards Beth for the last few years had suddenly done a neat U-turn and was now directed at himself.
He hadn’t had any inkling of Beth’s real fear, had he? And he hadn’t given an inch. He’d taken all her initially gentle objections as personal criticism and had fought back. He’d even dismissed having it pointed out that their dreams might be taking them in different directions and that could ultimately destroy what they had together. If Beth wanted to be with him, her dreams could just be modified, couldn’t they? They would do it his way or they wouldn’t do it at all. He’d shouted at her that night. He’d walked away.
He hadn’t been so very different from her father at all, really. And if he’d kept going in the same direction, he would have ended up being a clone of a man Beth had done her best to avoid claiming any connection with.
Luke had brought his loneliness on himself and in some ways he should thank Beth for kicking him out of her life. If he’d had Beth with him during those grim times with Jodie he would have used that calm strength she had when on familiar territory. Depending on that could have blocked him from learning what he had needed to learn.
What Beth had always known.
Luke paused as he walked clear of the surf. He’d fallen in love with this place because being here had given him peace at a time he’d needed it badly. Now that he was thinking so clearly, he could recognise that peace as an echo of what he’d found with Beth all those years ago.
What he’d lost.
What he would give anything to get back.
He’d lost Beth because of who he had been becoming, but that person bore no relation to the person Luke really was. The person he was now being true to. If Beth knew how much he’d changed—really changed—would that make things any different?
Luke badly wanted things to be different.
If nothing else, he had to apologise. Properly. Maybe Beth would be able to forgive him and a friendship might be possible.
Something more than friendship was too big an ask to even contemplate right now, and it would certainly remain an impossibility if the past couldn’t be put to rest. Luke had to find Beth. He had to see if she might be at least willing to talk to him.
Volunteers were returning to the beach now but Luke actually waded back into the water as he searched for Beth. The general mood of the crowd was jubilant and Luke could hear laughter and good-natured ribbing as people compared their injuries or discomforts.
‘I’m frozen! My hands are blue!’
‘I’m so tired, I can hardly stand up!’
‘I’m sure I’ve broken this finger. Hurts like hell!’
‘I’m starving!’
‘It was all worth it, though, wasn’t it?’
‘Sure was, mate. It sure was.’
And there was Beth, struggling back to shore, knocked off her feet by a larger wave and being swept directly towards Luke.
He caught her, helped her to her feet with his arm around her waist, and although they were both standing in only ankle-deep water, he didn’t let her go.
He couldn’t.
‘We’ve done it, Beth! The whales are safe.’
‘I know.’ She was smiling. The deep, dark blue eyes that Luke remembered so well were shining with joy. Even tears, perhaps.
‘Willy’s back out there with his mum, probably having breakfast. Are you happy?’
‘It’s fantastic. Of course I’m happy.’
But her smile was fading and those were tears in her eyes. And Luke just couldn’t bear it. He pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her and holding her shivering body against his own. Pressing his lips into the wet, salty tresses clinging to the top of her head.
Would Beth have turned her face up towards his like that if she hadn’t wanted him to kiss her?
Would he have wanted to kiss her if he’d known what it would be like?
If he’d known that the lock would disintegrate on that part of his heart that had been so well protected for so long? That all the old feelings would still be there so completely?
Except they hadn’t been complete, had they? Because now he could add the painfully gained wisdom of many years. And forgiveness for the way Beth had ended their relationship and—most importantly—he could add the understanding of why it had happened.
They were both in danger of hypothermia as they stood there in the shallows, but Luke couldn’t stop kissing Beth. His hands held her close, his lips moved over hers very gently. This wasn’t about passion, although that was potentially only a heartbeat away. It was about finding a connection again and asking whether that connection could ever mean enough to make it worth exploring further.
Luke would have been more than happy to stand there holding Beth for as long as it took. However, the rude shock of having someone else losing their balance in the surf and barrelling into them made it totally impossible to keep his hold on her.
And maybe it was just as well because a familiar voice was shouting from the dry sand. Maureen had some extra clothes. Some nice warm track pants and a woollen jersey.
The towel felt like sandpaper on skin so cold it felt scorched. Beth’s fingers had no chance of undoing the zip on her jeans or even pulling a sodden anorak and sweatshirt off over her head.
Luke had gone off towards the fire on hearing his name being shouted, but Maureen was still there, thank goodness, clucking over Beth like a mother hen and helping her into a soft jersey and some track pants long since discarded by one of her grown children.
‘There you go, love. Goodness me, you’re cold, aren’t you? You sound like you’re going to break your teeth, shivering that hard.’ The older nurse looked more closely at Beth. ‘You’re awfully pale. Are you all right?’
Beth simply nodded. And smiled. Because she’d never felt more all right in her life. The exhaustion didn’t matter. The bruises and scrapes and strains were insignificant. Even that pain in her side was perfectly tolerable.
Luke had kissed her.
Really kissed her. And his lips had told her something she could never have guessed. That he still cared.
Maybe there was a way to get past the hurt they had caused each other. Her fears might have been groundless, given the fact that the man Luke was today bore so little resemblance to the high-flyer she had known. He might have a new perspective on more than just his career these days. He might understand why she had been afraid and be able to see that it hadn’t been because she’d thought he hadn’t been ‘good enough’.
The kiss had told her something else as well. Beth had realised the physical attraction was still there for her. In spades, given the reaction she’d suffered seeing him in the staff pool.
She knew she still loved him, given the fear that it might have been illness that had made him change his lifestyle so drastically. What she hadn’t guessed was that the depth of the love she had once felt for Luke had gained an extra dimension even while she had been so busy trying to deny it.
Ever since she had come to Hereford, Beth had been seeing a version of Luke that had all the good qualities she remembered and none of the bad ones. If he’d set out, in fact, to make himself the perfect man for Beth, he couldn’t have done a better job.
Maureen was stuffing Beth’s wet clothing into a plastic bag.
‘Come near the fire and warm up,’ she instructed Beth. ‘We’ll get you something hot to eat and drink and then I’ll take you home. Or have you got your car up the hill as well?’
Beth shook her head. She was still shivering hard enough to make speech difficult.
Maureen sounded puzzled. ‘So how did you get here?’
Shaking her head had made trickles of sea water run down into Beth’s eyes and they stung. Beth screwed her eyes shut and used an almost dry corner of the towel to try and blot the moisture from her dripping scalp.
‘I walked.’
‘Oh?’
Beth looked up at the tone and Maureen smiled at her.
‘Don’t worry, I won’t tell anybody what I saw.’
The blush had the welcome effect of heating Beth up from the inside and the violent shivering abated. ‘There’s nothing to tell,’ she said. ‘Not really. We were all happy, that’s all.’
Looking over her shoulder out to sea, Beth could just see the dark shapes of whale fins in the distance beneath a hovering helicopter. Looking ahead of her, she could see people crowding the edges of the bonfire and somewhere in that laughing, talking group would be Luke.
Beth was still happy. She felt oddly dizzy as she started the short trek across the sand and she was more than happy to take a seat on one of the boulders. Someone offered her a piping hot bacon sandwich but Beth shook her head.
‘I’m really not hungry, thanks. I’ll eat later.’
‘Coffee? Or tea? How about some hot chocolate?’
‘No, thanks. I’m fine, honestly.’
She wasn’t shivering any more. The bonfire was extraordinarily hot, in fact. Beth could feel herself starting to perspire and the odd dizzy feeling increased. Maybe she should have something to eat after all, even if she didn’t feel like it.
‘I think I will go and find a sandwich,’ she told Maureen.
Her legs felt like jelly and Beth regretted her decision to stand up, but Maureen was watching so she made an effort to shake off her physical weakness. She hadn’t done any more than anyone else here during the night. It would seem rather pathetic if she collapsed into a heap and fell asleep on the sand now, and Beth did not want to appear pathetic. Not when there was every possibility that Luke could be watching her.
Walking was even more of an effort and Beth’s vision blurred slightly. Not enough for her not to recognise Luke, however. Or the blonde woman hanging round his neck like a human pendant as they stood on the edge of the parking area.
Maree appeared to be crying. And Luke looked absolutely terrible. He disentangled himself from the woman’s arms and helped her into the passenger seat of his black Jeep. Then he turned back towards the beach.
He saw Beth, she was sure he did, but he stared at her as though he’d never seen her before in his life. For a second he bowed his head, his forehead resting in one hand, as though whatever he was thinking about was unbearable. And then he shook his head, very slowly, and turned to get behind the wheel of the Jeep.
Beth watched the vehicle climb the shingle road up the hill. Away from Boulder Bay beach.
Away from her.
Any joy from the successful rescue mission of the whales and the kiss she had shared with Luke vanished. Its place was filled instantly by sheer misery—both physical and emotional. Fighting back a flood of tears, Beth retraced the few steps she had taken.
‘Maureen? I really need to get home and get some sleep before I fall over. Can I take you up on that offer of a lift, please?’
Sleep hadn’t helped one little bit.
The exhausted slumber had lasted until well into the afternoon but Beth woke to find herself feeling extremely unwell.
Her head ached so badly it took a huge effort to get it off the pillow. She was bathed in sweat. Her heart pounded and it felt like there simply wasn’t enough air in the room. When she tried to sit and then stand up, Beth became so faint that black spots danced before her eyes and a roaring sound came from nowhere and rushed in to engulf her.
Lying down again, Beth closed her eyes and tried to slow her breathing. This couldn’t be the aftermath of exhaustion or even hypothermia. Something was very wrong with her. A bad dose of flu, maybe. She hurt all over. Her joints ached, her whole abdomen was painful and even her skin felt raw.
What time of day was it? Beth rolled onto her side and found her watch on the bedside table. Five o’clock. But it was too light to be 5 a.m. Why was she asleep at 5 p.m.? She was supposed to be at work at 6 p.m., wasn’t she?
Panic elbowed space in the confusion and Beth gave up trying to figure it out. She needed some help. Sitting up more carefully this time, she took a few sips of water from the glass beside her watch. Then she picked up her mobile phone, but the screen was blank and the connection for the charger lay on the floor.
Beth tried to insert the little pin into the socket on the back of the phone but it just didn’t seem to fit any more and she was horrified to find tears of frustration welling.
This was ridiculous. OK, she wasn’t feeling well but she wasn’t a small child and she could look after herself. She didn’t need her mother, or anyone else, to come running to care for her. So why did she have this overwhelming urge to be cradled in someone’s arms right now? To close her eyes and have someone tell her that everything was going to be all right?
Not just someone.
Luke.
Now Beth did begin to cry. She wanted Luke. She needed him. And he wasn’t there. He never would be there because he was with someone else. Maree. The good friend.
Snatches of the jumbled dreams she had just been having returned. There was a beach with impossibly bri
ght diamonds of light dancing in the surf. She and Luke were swimming effortlessly in the clear, green water. They were naked. Twisting and turning like dolphins. Touching. With their lips, their hands…their entire bodies.
But she had clothes on now. Weird clothes. Baggy old track pants and a well-worn jersey. Where had they come from? And why had she been in bed with clothes on, anyway? No wonder she had been sweaty and feeling dreadful.
She was feeling better now. She could stand up. Walk even. It was almost like floating. She could see the door of the motel’s office. Why was she here?
Oh, yes. She needed to use the phone. To call Luke and tell him she needed him.
No. Beth stopped and shook her head. That wasn’t right. She mustn’t do that even if she couldn’t quite remember why.
She turned but had no idea what she was supposed to do next. Easier to just keep floating. Her feet seemed to know where they wanted to go.
A loud noise hurt her ears. Blaring and unpleasant. Beth put her hands over her ears but she could still hear the shouting.
‘What the hell do you think you’re doing, woman? You’re in the middle of the road.’
The voice was familiar. Beth tried hard and found she could open her eyes. She tried to focus on the owner of the furious voice.
‘You idiot! I could have killed you!’
Luke.
The word was in her head. Her lips moved but no sound came from Beth’s mouth.
‘Beth?’ Luke’s face was swimming into view now. ‘My God, Beth! What on earth’s the matter?’
He looked pale. Tired. And very, very sad. Beth reached out her hand to touch him. To let him know that everything was going to be all right.
But her hand reached into nothingness and that floating sensation had gone. She was being sucked down now. Taken away from Luke and swallowed by the waiting blackness.
Very faintly, she could hear a horrified echo of her name.
‘Beth!’
CHAPTER EIGHT
NOTHING much could faze Senior Nurse Maureen Skinner.