Jatla is not a Shithole
Page 8
“Shit, he’s going to be here any second...” Hiccup’s mind stumbles over itself as he tries to think of a way to combat the ink shadow. He won’t beat him in a fight; he’s not stupid enough to assume that, and he probably won’t be able to weasel his way out of this one.
“Well, what the fick are we going to do?” the shorter goblin asks.
Hiccup snaps his fingers. “The nightmare powder and the boner ointment!”
“The fick you just say?”
“Quick, spread this ointment all over my body.” Hiccup pries his sticky wet tunic off. “Save a little of the shit, though; if I make it out alive, I’d like to use it one last time.”
“What in the fick are you talking about!?”
“What’s your name?” Hiccup asks the goblin as he hands him the tube of boner ointment and his sweaty shirt.
“Valet.” The goblin drops the shirt on the floor but holds tight to the bottle of ointment.
“That’s a lady goblin’s name.”
“Don’t judge me, it’s fickin’ complicated!”
“I’ll bet. Listen, Valet, grab that rag over there and squeeze the ointment onto the rag. Then rub it all over my body. You don’t want this shit getting on your skin, believe you me.”
Valet returns with the rag and squeezes some ointment on it. “Are you sure about this?”
“Fick yes I’m sure! Hurry, hurry, hurry!”
Valet spreads the lotion over Hiccup’s chest and arms. “How does it feel?”
“What kind of poofty snow cake fruit basket question is that? Wax on, wax off, Valet, spread that shit!”
“Got it, fick!”
As soon as the shorter goblin finishes, Hiccup’s body starts to bulge and quiver. Muscles form, big juicy muscles that would have Hiccup on the cover of Male Goblin’s Fitness in no time flat.
“Holy moly,” Valet whispers as he takes in Hiccup’s new physique.
“Holy fick is right,” says Hiccup, flexing his muscles.
“And this is going to scare the ink shadow?”
“Wouldn’t you be scared of a buff-ass goblin like Yours Truly?”
Hiccup’s neck muscles twitch.
“No, I’d just run.”
“That’s because you’re a pussy, Valet.”
“Hey!”
“No time to discuss that, though, I’m not your therapist, and if I were, I’d tell you to kill yourself and get it over with. Here’s what I want you to do: get on top of the bookshelf. There should be enough room for you to squeeze in up there. Once the ink shadow enters, I’ll momentarily distract him with my new physique. Your job is easy: I want you to blow this powder on him. That’s it, and be careful not to inhale this stuff. Hold out your hand. Scratch that. This shit is dangerous. Climb into position first.”
“Okay, how’s this?”
After Valet is in position, Hiccup sprinkles a quarter of the nightmare powder in his palm. “Now, let’s fickin’ do this!”
(.)(.)
It doesn’t take long for Barry to figure out which house Hiccup is holed up in, and like he did back at the guildhall, Barry seeps up from the floor, poised to strike.
“You’ve changed!” the ink shadow says, floating a step back as soon as he sees the goblin musclehead.
“That’s right, you dirty chalupa stealing mitherficker! Plenty more magic where this came from.” Hiccup flexes his muscles. His bottle of hot sauce in his hand, he takes a swig and burps a spicy fireball at the wall to his right.
The wall catches fire almost immediately.
“Hey!” Valet screeches.
“Now, you ficker!”
The ink shadow turns to the bookcase just in time to get a big faceful of nightmare powder.
Hiccup belches, zipping another fireball across the room to the bedroom wall. His muscles start to convulse, the effects of the boner ointment wearing off, just as the ink shadow lets out a scream of terror the likes of which Hiccup has never heard before.
Barry shrieks and shrieks, his form growing and shrinking in size.
“Fick! Fick!” cries Valet.
The smaller goblin falls from the bookshelf and lands at Barry’s inky feet.
Half the small home on fire now, and Barry and Valet struggling in the center of the room, Hiccup realizes there’s only one thing he can possibly do, one chance of escape.
The surly goblin bolts to the front door, another fire belch coming as he cannonballs through the entrance and spills out into the streets.
“Yoooy!” He turns just in time and spits another ball of fire at the red door, which only adds to the flames that have engulfed the home.
A crowd has gathered by this point, and while the Jatlan authorities don’t normally investigate arson, the fact that there are people around may increase the chance the fuzz will show.
Hiccup hears two distinct screams inside the burning home, one from the ink shadow and the other from Valet.
“The poor ficker.” He shoulders into the crowd, as his muscles warp and bulge on his body.
A hand lands on his shoulder and spins him around.
“What’s your name?” An orclin with a neckbeard asks. “What happened in there?”
“Hands off, ficker, unless you want to lose that neckbeard!”
“Your name!?”
The orclin squeezes harder, Hiccup’s artificially inflated muscle shrinking even more under the pressure.
“Spew Gorge! My name is Spew Gorge!” he calls out. With his other hand, Hiccup jabs his toe knife into the orclin’s side, bringing the towering man to the ground.
-133 HP! Critical hit!
A fight erupts, but Hiccup is long gone before anyone can realize he’s left.
(.)(.)
The dastardly goblin navigates the back alleys of Jatla like a London cab driver, their entry points and pathways engraved on his psyche mainly from a long career of ripping people off and getting away with it.
He sees a freshly washed tunic hanging from a clothesline and puts it on. Sure, it is two sizes too small, but the material is nice and while the puffy sleeves were in fashion years ago, they’re making a comeback.
His destination clear, it isn’t long before Hiccup finds himself in the Richman District, the Golden Swine visible on the horizon.
He licks his lips and catches his breath.
A new haven has presented itself, a temporary haven but a haven nonetheless. His throat scorched from the Hot AzzBalls sauce, the sauciest goblin this side of the Bawa Outpost gets a rare second wind, and travels even faster for a spell.
Like all running goblins, Hiccup eventually goes down, but not before reaching the polished steps of the Golden Swine.
The orc from yesterday runs down the stairs and helps him to his feet.
“I’m here to check-in,” Hiccup says, clearing his throat. “Fick, am I thirsty.”
“Right this way, sir, we have cucumber water in the lobby.”
“Fick yeah, you do. I’ll have two.”
The orc helps Hiccup inside, and once he has had two glasses of cucumber water and has relaxed for a moment, the goblin slowly walks over to the check-in desk.
“I have a room reserved for tonight,” he says, “under the name Hiccup.”
The hotel clerk, a thin goblinita with a short bob and big hoop earrings, looks through a series of index cards. “Ah, here you are. And will a, um, Mr. Barry be joining you?” she asks as she hole-punches the top of the card.
“No, he fickin’ won’t. We, um, need some space. So it’s just me.”
“I see,” she says, batting her lashes as she reads the information on the card. “Mr. Flush has two orc escorts scheduled for the Hour of the Mana. Shall I cancel them as well?”
“What?” Hiccup cries out. “No, you shall not!”
“Very well, sir,” the clerk says as she prepares the other items he’ll need, such as the room key and a list of hotel rules and procedures. “You will have complimentary dinner service in an hour; please choose what you�
�d like from this menu.”
She hands him a crisp menu card, the entrees handwritten in beautiful cursive lettering that Hiccup finds hard to read.
Hiccup gives the menu back to her without looking at it. “Since Barry isn’t joining me, do I get his complimentary meal as well?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Good, so two entries.” He licks his lips. “Okay, lemon pepper dragon wings and, fick, how about the land dragon steak. Do you have funeral potatoes?”
She nods. “We just got some in this morning.”
“Good, give me some of those as well, fried with Chiup bacon fat, caramelized, but not to stringy. Make the onions thick-cut, and if you’re going to use brown sugar, which you should, don’t use the store brand stuff. I prefer Chicago Don’s brown sugar, if you got it.”
“I’ll have to check, sir, but I believe it can be arranged.”
“Fick me,” Hiccup says as just about the biggest smile he’s had all month spreads across his face. “I got a feeling tonight is going to be one for the record books.”
The hotel clerk smiles. “I hope so, sir. Please enjoy your stay, Mr. Hiccup.”
He’s just about to turn to his room when a thought strikes him. “Any chance you can send the orc chippies up now, before dinner?”
“I believe that is possible, yes.”
“Fick yeah, do that.”
“Very well, sir. Would you like thirty minutes to get cleaned up?”
Hiccup sniffs his armpits. “Nah, I’m good. Send them now.” He waves goodbye to the hotel clerk, his boner ointment in hand. “Just give me a few minutes to get good and greased up.”
The fickin’ end.
Back of the Book Content
Reader,
I wrote this novella because someone had to do it. I have plenty more stories set in the Fantasy Online universe to come, and I need your help to reach more readers.
First, if you haven’t already, please leave a quick review for Jatla.
Second, if you really haven’t already (and it is super helpful if you do), please leave a review for Fantasy Online.
“Harmon, what is in it for me?”
Well, how about some free books? To get three free books set in the Proxima Galaxy, join my mailing list. Super easy sign up, and you’ll get a box set for doing so.
In this set, you’ll get: 1) The Feedback Loop book one; 2) The Last Warrior of Unigaea (which is directly related to Fantasy Online) and 3) Fantasy Online (which if you’ve already read is fine, hopefully you haven’t read the other two!)
If you have read all three or a good number of my works and have reviewed one or two of them, send me an email, writer.harmoncooper@gmail.com, and I’ll add you to my reading group, where you’ll get free books for life.
Wait, life?
Yep, life.
Finally, and even if you skip all the info I’ve just downloaded into your brain, join the Proxima Galaxy Readers Facebook group. I post a ton of content here and the readers get exclusive access to books, audiobooks, and other gifts from Yours Truly.
Now, you’ve been given your assignments. Much love, and thanks for letting me live in your mind space. – Harmon Cooper
Other Books by Harmon Cooper
I have written over thirty books. Here are some of the highlights!
My best-selling Superhero Harem Adventure about a sci-fi writer and the superpowered women who are trying to kill him. Fun content, adult read!
US: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07BGZHXV7
UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07BGZHXV7
Audible: https://adbl.co/2uR0voP
DE: https://www.amazon.de/dp/B07BGZHXV7
AU: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B07BGZHXV7
CA: https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B07BGZHXV7
A fantasy harem adventure inspired by Pokemon Go!, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, and the Persona family of video games. Check out this Amazon best seller!
USA: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07CZM2MT6
UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07CZM2MT6
CA: https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B07CZM2MT6
AU: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B07CZM2MT6
DE: https://www.amazon.de/dp/B07CZM2MT6
Tokyo, Japan meets online fantasy gaming and South Park-styled humor. Yakuza, goblins, action, intrigue - add this book to your inventory list!
(This one is related to Monster Hunt NYC)
US - http://amzn.to/2pKN8zM
Audible - https://adbl.co/2vqSzY3
UK - http://amzn.to/2lDlfMa
Canada - http://amzn.to/2iRellt
Australia - http://amzn.to/2A7KhGA
Germany - http://amzn.to/2xIUc3u
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