The Shadow Mission
Page 22
I hit the floor. I’m not hurt—not even winded—but for a moment I just lie there. I feel terrible inside. Like weeping. Like nothing is worth it anymore. Grief over Riya fills me up, flooding me, rising through my stomach, up through my chest, forcing its way through my throat, choking me. Hot, rough tears escape the edges of my eyes. They run down my face.
“Hey, champ, you okay?” Caitlin stands over me, loosening her helmet.
I turn my head toward the canvas floor of the ring, so that she can’t see my face. I blink hard. The tears will suffocate me if I let them. I blink again. Then I grit my teeth, get to my knees, and ignore the hand that Caitlin holds out. I force myself to stand up by myself, and as I do, frustration takes over: a white-hot glow of anger that surges into me.
I’m up, running at her, hard, fast. Surprised, she dodges and punches out at me again. A glancing blow that I shake off as I turn, weave, and advance on her. I increase the pace, move my feet faster, throw the punches harder, punches that hit her twice, with the force of anger behind them. I see shock in her eyes, but I don’t let up, even for a split second. I’m on her, pushing her back against the ropes. She staggers and I land another punch. Sweat drips into my eyes; my top is so wet it feels like it’s become part of my skin. With a final dodge and a cuff to the side of her head, I have Caitlin on the floor. Before I know it, I’m on top of her, my knee pressing down hard on her chest, my face up to hers, grimacing, raging, my glove up, threatening a punch down onto her nose. Her gloves come up to shield her face and, dimly, I’m aware of Amber calling my name again and again, her hand grasping for my arm.
“Jessie,” Caitlin pants.
Like a swamp draining, my head clears of all the darkness. I sit back, fast. A long moment passes. Then I pull off my helmet and glove and reach out a hand to haul Caitlin up. She hesitates, then takes my hand and eases herself up, but she moves back far away from me, going over to the ropes to catch her breath. I’m just standing there, gloves off, head down. The sound of our breathing fills the room. Even Amber has nothing to say.
I feel terrible. I look up at Caitlin. There’s uncertainty on her face, and distrust; things I’ve never seen there before when she looks at me.
“I’m sorry. So sorry.” My voice is tiny in the large space. There’s another long silence.
“I’ve never seen you get to that place before,” Caitlin says, finally.
My mouth opens again to explain something I have no words for. But I don’t want to admit that I fell so far out of myself that I lost sight of her being my teammate, my friend. If I tell her that, how would she be able to trust me ever again?
“I guess I got wrapped up in it,” I say, trying to salvage things. “You had me cornered and I had to push hard to get back in the fight. . . .”
I keep talking about the training, calmly, like I’m the same old Jessie she knows. It’s awkward and strange, but by the time we make it to the showers, things are mostly back to normal between us. We don’t mention it again. That “place.” That rage. That brute instinct. But now I know I have all of those. Now I know I can use them. I’m not the same. What happened in Mumbai changed me. After I came back from India, Kit told me that I have to remember who I am and stay true to those values. But I don’t care what she thinks. All I know now is that I have to make it up to Riya. I have to do better by the women and girls we’ve pledged to help. And I’m not playing by the same rules anymore.
Acknowledgments
The antics of Jessie and the Athena team left me needing to find out a lot of detail about things I had no experience in.
A heartfelt thank-you to my friend Dr. Sarah Caddick, who put me in touch with a couple of experts to think through my virus theories and triggers. Anirvan Ghosh put in so much time in thinking through my ideas and reading drafts of the relevant sections. Thanks also to Massimo Scanziani, who helped our brainstorming early on.
Thanks to Edward Cadogan, who introduced me to Colonel Laurence Williams for help with bomb disposal notes, though I probably still took a bit too much license with them.
Peter Hui gave me feedback on cardiac triggers that never made it into the final version of this book, but for which I am grateful.
And Susan Coll introduced me to seasoned pilot T. J. Johnson to look over my stealth copter and missile sections.
Finally, such gratitude and appreciation to my wife, Hanan. For giving me a writing cabin in the garden (and plenty of time to use it) and for reading every page of every draft, even if the shifting of her red pen over the pages makes me want to weep at the time.
About the Author
Photo by Marte L Rekaa
SHAMIM SARIF is a novelist, screenwriter, and director. The Athena Protocol was her first novel for teens.
Her debut novel, The World Unseen, won a Betty Trask Award and the Pendleton May First Novel Award. She is also the author of Despite the Falling Snow and I Can’t Think Straight. She has adapted and directed award-winning films of all three of these novels.
Shamim lives in London with her wife, Hanan, and their two sons.
Visit her online at www.shamimsarif.com.
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Books by Shamim Sarif
The Athena Protocol
The Shadow Mission
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Copyright
HarperTeen is an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
THE SHADOW MISSION. Copyright © 2020 by Shamim Sarif. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
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Cover art and design © 2020 by James T. Egan of Bookfly Design
Digital Edition OCTOBER 2020 ISBN: 978-0-06-284965-6
Print ISBN: 978-0-06-284963-2
2021222324PC/LSCH10987654321
FIRST EDITION
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