Second Time Around

by Colette Caddle

  ‘What do you want to do?’ Cal asked.

  Jess scrambled back in beside him, shaking the rain from her hair and looking worriedly at the sky as there was a flash of lightning. ‘She can’t be out in this weather, but where would she be able to go with a dog?’

  ‘Is there a friend that she’d turn to?’

  ‘Maybe she’s gone over to Sharon’s,’ she said and taking out her phone, called her sister. After establishing that her mum wasn’t there, Jess filled Sharon in on this morning’s events and hung up.

  ‘No joy?’ Cal asked as she finished the call.

  Jess shook her head. Sharon hadn’t seemed interested in Noel’s change of career and didn’t understand why their mum was so upset. She was more concerned about who would be looking after Bobby if Suzie didn’t show up.

  ‘What now?’ Cal asked.

  ‘I’ll check next door. She might be hiding there.’

  Jess knocked on Aileen’s front door. The woman gave a surprised smile. ‘Hello, Jess. Come in out of that rain.’

  ‘Hi, Aileen. You haven’t seen Mum, have you?’

  ‘No.’ The woman frowned. ‘Is there something wrong?’

  ‘She had a row with Noel and stormed off with the dog a few hours ago.’

  Aileen nodded in understanding. ‘She’s been using walking a lot to keep her calm, although this isn’t really the weather for it. I wouldn’t worry, love. She’s probably taken shelter in a coffee shop.’

  ‘Any idea which ones wouldn’t object to the dog?’ Jess asked.

  ‘There’s one on the far side of the park.’ the woman nodded. ‘Yes. That’s where she’ll be.’

  ‘Brilliant. Thanks, Aileen.’

  Jess went back to join Cal and filled him in on what Aileen had said.

  ‘Let’s go, then.’

  They were just about to drive off when Jess spotted a hunched figure and sodden dog making their way slowly up the road. Her heart went out to her mother, hating to see her like this. ‘Cal.’ Jess nodded towards her mother.

  ‘Great. Maybe I should go and let you two talk.’

  Jess was tempted to ask him to wait but knew that it would be best if she talked to Mum alone. ‘Yeah, probably. Thanks for everything.’ He looked at her for a moment and she thought that he might be on the point of saying something, but in the end he just nodded and said goodbye.

  Jess shook her head in frustration and walked towards her mother, the rain still bucketing down. ‘Mum, you’re soaked through. Come on, let’s get you into some dry clothes and have a cuppa.’

  Her mother said nothing but led the way down the passage, letting herself in the back door. Jess followed and went to put on the kettle. She heard her mum murmuring to the dog as she dried him and settled him in his bed. Then she came into the kitchen and flopped down at the table.

  ‘You should change,’ Jess said, gently.

  Her mum ignored that. ‘Did you know that Noel hasn’t been attending university? That he didn’t sit his exams?’

  ‘No.’ Jess looked at her mother’s angry expression as she accepted the mug of tea and wrapped her hands round it. ‘I know it’s not what you want for him, Mum, but I’ll be honest: I’m relieved. I was afraid that he was on drugs.’

  Suzie looked up at her, eyebrows raised. ‘Why would you think that?’

  Jess shrugged. ‘He seemed to become dependent on your sedatives very quickly.’

  Suzie didn’t appear to be listening. ‘I can’t believe he’d go into farming after what happened to his dad. How could he do that to me?’

  Jess looked at her in disbelief. ‘He’s not doing anything to you, Mum. He’s doing it because it’s the future that he wants. He could end up in a more dangerous job as an engineer. We can’t live our lives worrying about what might happen.’

  ‘He’s going to Limerick.’ Suzie said it as if Noel had announced he was moving to Afghanistan.

  ‘I think that’s great, to be honest. He’s going to live and work with his father’s family. Don’t you think Dad would be proud of him?’

  ‘John’s dead. What about me? Don’t I count?’ Suzie said bitterly. ‘I’ve had a hard enough life raising the three of you alone, and now I’ll be spending my days worrying about Noel on a bloody farm. I blame your father for this.’

  Jess raised an eyebrow. ‘He didn’t get his love of the land from Dad. If I remember rightly, he spent more time on the road and staying in fancy hotels than he did on farms.’ She saw her mother frown and ploughed on. ‘Dad had a freak accident, Mum. I know that it must have been heartbreaking to lose him at such a young age, and I can understand why you wanted to come back to Dublin. But maybe Limerick and farming is in Noel’s blood. Just the way that Dublin is in yours and mine.’

  It took a moment for her words to sink in, but, when Suzie raised guilty eyes to meet hers, Jess knew that her gut instinct had been right. ‘John Connors isn’t my dad, is he?’

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Suzie’s head pounded, past and present colliding, at the memories Noel’s bombshell had triggered. She stared at her daughter, at a loss as to what to say. Doug had asked if Jess had suspicions about her father and she’d been so smug, so confident that her daughter was blissfully ignorant. Why today, Jess? Suzie wasn’t sure that she could cope with much more.

  She was saved from answering by the arrival of Noel and Bobby and immediately took refuge behind her grandson, bringing him out to Percy and letting him help her groom the dog. As her hand covered his small one, combing Percy’s golden coat with long, slow strokes, she tuned out the sound of her son and daughter discussing her and talked softly to Bobby and Percy. Her eyes felt heavy. The long walk and trauma of the day was making her sleepy. Maybe she should take a leaf out of Bobby’s book and curl up with the dog.

  ‘Why are you crying?’ Bobby asked, sounding more curious than concerned.

  Suzie touched her cheeks. ‘I honestly don’t know, Bobby.’ She wiped the tears away.

  ‘You’re all wet.’

  ‘I am. Percy and I got caught in the rain – drowned, we were.’

  ‘Drowned?’ Bobby frowned. ‘You’re not dead.’

  Suzie smiled. ‘It’s an expression. I just mean that we were soaked to the skin.’

  ‘Percy’s all dry now. Will we make you dry too?’

  ‘I think I can manage that on my own, love.’ Suzie listened, but couldn’t hear any talking from the other room. Moments later, the door opened and Noel looked in.

  ‘Why don’t you go and have a rest, Mum? Bobby and I have a date with Mario Kart, and I’m going to win.’ He winked at the child.

  Bobby was on his feet in an instant. ‘No, I will!’

  ‘Then let’s go.’ Noel gave her a long sorrowful look before following his nephew up to his room.

  Suzie hugged the dog. ‘Aw, fuck it, Percy. What am I going to do?’

  Suzie shut herself in her bedroom for the rest of the day. Let Noel manage without her, she was beyond caring, although she felt slightly guilty about deserting her grandson. He had been so good, seeming to sense her sadness and, not unlike Percy, had shown his support by staying close by. It was nice to know someone cared.

  But Suzie had been distracted from Maurice’s revelation by Jess. Not her realisation that John wasn’t her dad but her comment about him staying in fancy hotels. Her expression had been shrewd, knowing and brought to the surface memories that Suzie now wondered if she’d deliberately repressed. John had been unfaithful and Jess had known it. For how long? Suzie wondered. Of course, she’d known too, she remembered now, the sudden awareness bringing back the hurt and anger again. But she hadn’t made a fuss. It was easier to ignore it. Could she really blame him? She’d ‘let herself go’ and was probably an embarrassment to him. So, the more time he spent ‘travelling’, the more she ate, secure in the knowledge that, whatever he got up to when he was away, he would be discreet and he would never consider leaving her or his family in a million years.

  She thoug
ht of Jess, just turned sixteen when John died and what a great help she’d been, comforting Sharon and Noel and supporting Suzie. What had she made of her mother’s marriage? No doubt she would hear soon enough. Jess was in fighting form these days and Suzie knew that they would have to sit down and have a frank conversation very soon.

  She heard the hall door close and looked at the clock. It was after six and Keith had collected Bobby over an hour ago, so it must be Noel heading off to work. She got out of bed and crept to the door, opening it softly. The last thing she wanted was to have to face him, not tonight. There was a note on the landing.

  Gone to work, home late and heading out with Maurice in the morning – he’s staying in a guesthouse. Keith’s off work tomorrow so you have the day to yourself.

  Noel x

  Maurice, fuck, she’d forgotten all about him. So, he hadn’t had the guts to come back and face her. Suzie climbed back into bed, relieved. Devious old bastard, good riddance to him. Suzie would never forgive him for encouraging her son into farming and taking him away from her.

  Her phone rang and she reached for it, hoping it wasn’t one of the kids, because she really didn’t want to talk to any of them.

  ‘Hey, stranger.’

  ‘Doug! Are you feeling any better?’ Delighted to hear his voice strong and well, Suzie snuggled down. She’d missed him.

  ‘I’ve been fine for a week,’ he retorted.

  Suzie’s eyes flew open. ‘Mandy told me that, when you weren’t on the loo, you were asleep.’

  Doug groaned. ‘And you believed her? She told me that you were having a rough time with Bobby and busy preparing for your brother-in-law’s arrival.’

  ‘And you believed her?’ Suzie countered, smiling.

  ‘We both should know better by now. So what have you really been up to?’

  Suzie’s good humour disappeared as she thought back on her day. ‘Trying to deal with a lot of shit and drowning in it.’

  ‘What is it? Bobby?’ he asked, concern in his voice.

  ‘No, surprisingly. He’s been pretty good lately. It’s Noel. I slapped him. I’m sure the “old” Suzie would never have done that or, if she had, would be full of remorse now. But I’m not. I’m mad as hell. I can barely look at him.’

  ‘You slapped Noel?’

  ‘Yes.’ Suzie did feel ashamed of herself but it had been such a shock. ‘He’s been lying to me,’ she said, defending herself. ‘He opted out of engineering in December and he’s going to work on his uncle’s farm in Limerick.’

  ‘And you’re not happy?’

  ‘Of course I’m not happy! Oh, and Jess knows.’

  ‘Knows what?’ Doug sounded completely confused now.

  ‘That John isn’t her dad.’

  ‘You told her? Good for you.’

  ‘I didn’t,’ Suzie admitted. ‘She worked it out for herself. I’m not sure how or when. Noel and Bobby arrived in before I could say anything. I stayed in my room after that. It seemed safest. Jess couldn’t ask me any more awkward questions and I couldn’t throttle Noel.’ She sighed, feeling lonely and cross, and a little peckish. ‘I don’t suppose you fancy another takeaway?’

  Suzie showered and changed, opened a bottle of wine and, closing the curtains on the miserable evening, lit a fire. She set the small coffee table and allowed Percy in. After having a good sniff around, he settled next to the fireplace. She was lighting some candles when Doug arrived.

  ‘Let’s start with Noel,’ he said after he’d hugged her and they were setting out the food.

  ‘He’s been lying to me,’ Suzie repeated. ‘After a nice cosy chat with his uncle Maurice, he gave up engineering and, all of a sudden, he wants to be a bloody farmer, in Limerick.’

  Doug frowned. ‘He’s not going to get a qualification?’

  ‘He’s switching to agricultural science.’

  ‘Oh, well, that’s good.’ He held up his hands when Suzie glared at him. ‘I know you’ll miss him but most kids are leaving the country these days, not just the county.’

  ‘It’s not that,’ Suzie said, annoyed that he didn’t understand. ‘He’s going back there. I haven’t been back since the funeral and he needn’t think that I’ll visit him. I’ll never set foot in that place again. As for the farming, that bloody business made me a widow and left me with three devastated young kids, with only Nora to turn to.’

  ‘I thought he was in purchasing.’

  She rolled her eyes. ‘Purchasing meat. Going to farms, vetting farmers and their stock.’

  ‘Hardly the same as being a farmer. Okay, sorry,’ he said when she glowered at him. ‘Didn’t John’s family support you?’

  She shook her head. ‘His parents were quite old and had never shown much interest in him, let alone me or their grandchildren. I don’t think they forgave him for not staying to work the farm with his brother. Maurice and his wife had no children and were a dry pair. When he was widowed, Maurice kept to himself unless he was after something.’ When Doug said nothing, Suzie looked up from her food and met his solemn gaze. ‘What?’

  He looked over at her. ‘The truth?’

  ‘Of course,’ she said irritably.

  ‘Your concern about Noel’s safety is, frankly, ridiculous and I think masks what’s really bothering you. You can’t hold him back just because you weren’t happy in Limerick.’

  Suzie felt hurt. He was supposed to be on her side. ‘Thanks for your support.’

  He shrugged. ‘You’re the one who always says you prefer straight talking.’

  ‘But he’s not doing this for the right reasons, Doug. Noel adored his dad and was so young when John died. Noel’s doing this on a whim, because he thinks his dad would approve.’

  Doug shrugged. ‘Then he’ll soon tire of it. It’s a hard life and, if you’re right, he should be longing to get back to the city by Christmas. He’s young, Suzie. He’s meant to make mistakes. We all did.’

  His words made Suzie’s reaction seem melodramatic. And, if she was honest, she wasn’t really worried that Noel would suffer the same fate as his dad. She was mad that he was leaving her for Maurice and Limerick. He was her baby and, after John died, she’d given him so much love and attention that this felt like a betrayal.

  ‘So, tell me about Jess. How do you think she guessed?’

  She sighed as her thoughts turned to the look on her daughter’s face this morning. ‘The last night you were here, I had a little too much to drink.’

  He chuckled. ‘We both did. I had the hangover from hell the next day.’

  Suzie didn’t laugh. ‘I slept in the following morning, and when I came downstairs Jess was here. She’d found the photo album and started questioning me about it and how come John wasn’t in any of the photos.’

  ‘And she put two and two together.’

  Suzie sighed. ‘She must have. I don’t know. We haven’t talked about it yet. I don’t know what I’m going to say to her.’

  Doug poured the wine. ‘I know that you wanted to keep it under wraps, Suzie, but this seems like a perfect opportunity to tell Jess the truth.’

  Suzie’s food suddenly lost its flavour and she reached for her glass. ‘She’ll hate me. Mind you, she probably does anyway.’

  ‘Why would she hate you? If you’re honest with her I’m sure it will bring you closer than ever,’ Doug said with conviction.

  Suzie was sceptical but, before she could comment, Percy was on his feet and barking at the door. ‘Hey, Percy, what’s up?’

  ‘Wow, he’s loud.’

  ‘There must be someone outside. It better not be Maurice or I’ll let him have it.’ Suzie was about to go to the window to check but froze when she heard the key in the hall door. ‘Feck. It’s Noel.’

  ‘Stay calm, Suzie,’ Doug warned her.

  She took another sip of wine, her eyes on the door. ‘I’m not making any promises.’

  ‘Mum? Where are you?’

  ‘Jess.’ She shot Doug a horrified look and he squeezed her hand.


  ‘It will be fine.’

  ‘In here,’ she called, her voice unnaturally high pitched.

  Jess pushed open the door and pulled up short when she saw Doug. ‘Oh, sorry. I didn’t know that you had company.’

  Doug stood and Suzie watched his face break into a happy smile. ‘Jess!’

  Her daughter blinked a couple of times and then looked at her mother, a question in her eyes. ‘This is my good friend Doug, Jess.’

  Jess came closer, not taking her eyes off him. ‘Doug.’ Her eyes widened. ‘You’re the man in that photo album.’ She shook her head. ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘You’re right, this is Doug Hamilton, the man in the album and the MD of CML. By total coincidence, he is also the travel writer who Mandy works for.’

  ‘We’re having a bit of fun at her expense,’ Doug confided. ‘She doesn’t know we’re old friends. I go by the name Douglas Thornton now.’

  Jess continued to stare at him and Suzie wondered if she remembered him. ‘Doug knew you when you were little.’

  ‘You probably don’t remember.’ Doug’s smile was affectionate.

  ‘Are you my dad?’ Jess blurted out.

  His eyes widened and then he sighed, looking pensive and shook his head. ‘Unfortunately not.’

  Jess looked from him to her mother. ‘So, who is? Please, Mum, just tell me.’

  Suzie avoided Doug’s gaze, which was pleading with her to be honest.

  ‘You can’t look me in the eye and tell me that John was my father.’

  Suzie gave a weary sigh. ‘He was your father in all the ways that counted.’

  Doug went to stand up. ‘I should go.’

  Suzie reached for his hand. ‘Please don’t.’ She couldn’t handle the thought of doing this alone and Doug might be able to fill in any gaps because there were still parts of her past that evaded her. She looked into her daughter’s eyes. ‘I was single and pregnant when I went to an interview in CML. Doug was the MD, although his wife, Pamela, was running things when I joined.’

  ‘I just dropped in and meddled,’ Doug added, obviously trying to lighten the mood.