You're Gone (Finding Solid Ground)

by Futrell, Leah A.

  “I know, Granddad. Sorry. I just don’t want to be at home alone tonight,” she replied, lifting up her shoulders and letting them fall.

  “Get on in here out of the cold.”

  “I hope you’re hungry. I brought snacks. I stopped at the grocery store in Durant after I got out of my appointment with Doctor Emerson, and they had all of these yummy cookies and cupcakes.” Charleigh told her

  “What did Ron say? How are you doing?”

  Charleigh gave him a sheepish look, not wanting to reveal what she’d found out at the doctor’s office. It was embarrassing.

  “You okay? The babies?”

  “Yes, Granddad. We’re fine. Healthy as horses, and I weigh just about as much as one. I gained fifteen pounds last month.”

  John gave her a look, still trying to absorb his granddaughter’s words, as he watched her carry the shopping bags towards his kitchen.

  “What do you mean you gained fifteen pounds last month?” he asked coming to sit down in one of the six wooden chairs around his kitchen table. “How?”

  Charleigh stuff her finger in the cream pink icing of one of the cupcakes. After sticking the finger in her mouth, she shrugged and held up the treat.

  “Cupcakes?”

  “Not just cupcakes, Granddad. Hamburgers and fries. Donuts. Deanna’s fried pies. Mainly, junk food in general. And laziness. Feeling sorry for myself. Missing Daddy and Jamie.” Looking down at the food, Charleigh didn’t feel hungry anymore. How could she have let this happen to herself? She’d never been too big on junk food in the past, so why now? Was pregnancy making her want to make up for the lack of it over the last twenty-three years?

  “Well, you’ve had good reason to feel like that, hon. It’s been a tough year for you,” John tried to comfort his granddaughter.

  “Yeah, I know.” Charleigh nodded in agreement. “How did you deal after Granny died?”

  John sighed. He thought about Eliza every day. He remembered the way he always woke up in the morning to a smile on that beautiful woman’s face, and the way they never went to sleep without a prayer, a kiss goodnight, and saying, ‘I love you.’ Although he hadn’t thought about the pain of losing the only woman he’d ever loved in a very long time, there was a longing in his heart every morning for her. And John Randall had never bared his heart to anyone about it.

  But maybe telling Charleigh about his own pain would help ease some of hers.

  “It was like a freight train ran straight over me,’ John said, looking off into the distance. “Just like your daddy, Granny had a heart attack. She kissed me when I left to go out to the field that morning, and I found her on our bedroom floor when I came home for lunch at noon. She was already gone. The doctors said that she’d probably died a few hours before I got to her.”

  “Wow,” Charleigh said, stunned by that tidbit of information. She came to sit at the table next to her grandfather. “I remember Dad coming early to pick me up from school that day. He usually just sat in the truck until I came out at three o’clock. I just remember the look on his face when he came to the classroom. I knew something was wrong.”

  “After I got back from the hospital, I went straight back out into the field. The same the day after that, and the day of Granny’s funeral. I needed to keep my mind off of losing her. If I didn’t like about it, then it wasn’t true.” He sighed, finally bringing his mind back to the present. “The important thing, I eventually found, is that you allow have to yourself to cry. Grieve. One morning you’ll wake up and realize that it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. The pang is still there, but it’s mostly subsided. That’s when you’ll start trying to live your life as normally as possible.”

  “When, Granddad? When does it stop hurting so much? The day the babies are born?” Charleigh wanted to cry. She felt the tears welling up in her eyes. “I think about how these boys are going to have to grow up without a father, and grandfathers and grandmothers, and it just makes me sad all over again.”

  “I know, Char, but they have cousins, and uncles and aunts, and great-grandparents who all love them very much already. And we love you, too.”

  Charleigh took a long, deep breath. She shook her head from side to side, trying to scare away the tears. “Did you have dreams about Granny, after she died?”

  John reached across the table for her hand. “Darlin’, I see Eliza Jane every night when I lie down and close my eyes to sleep.”

  Hearing that made Charleigh feel better. At least now she knew that she wasn’t alone, seeing dead people in her dreams. If she was crazy, then that meant her Granddad was too.

  Chapter Forty-two

  “Oh, this one is beautiful,” Charleigh said of a delicate blue and white knitted blanket she held on her lap. She sat on the lid of a trunk in Madie’s attic as they sorted through old baby things that had once belonged to her children and grandchildren.

  “I thought you might like it. That was the first blanket I knitted for any of my grandchildren,” The old woman called from across the room where she was going through an old box.

  “This was Jamie’s, then?” Charleigh held it a little bit tighter.

  “Yes, and so are these,” Madie replied, holding up a pair of tiny white shoes for the other woman to see.

  She brought the box over to sit next to Charleigh. Holding the tiny objects in the palm of one hand, both of them stared for a while. Taking a deep breath, the younger woman finally reached out and took them in both of her own hands, holding them like the world‘s most priceless treasure.

  To Charleigh, the only other things— people— who ever mattered most were her dad, Jamie, and her children. And since she’d lost those two men from her life, all of her energy was focused on her precious baby boys. Still, Charleigh wanted to be able to tell them about their father, and to show them tangible proof that he had actually existed. These shoes were a part of the puzzle.

  “Can I have them?” Charleigh asked, breathlessly, as she looked into Madie’s face. Tears brimmed her eyes, threatening to spill over.

  “Of course, you can, sweetie,” the old lady replied, putting a comforting hand on Charleigh’s knee. “You can have all of the things in this box. All of it was Jamie’s when he was little.” She began pulling more items out of the box.

  There was a tiny sailor suit, and matching hat. There was a porcelain container, with his name scrawled across the side in pale blue paint, with his first lost tooth inside. A knitted cap, and several other items, as well.

  “Why do you have these things?” Charleigh asked, laying the outfit on top of her swollen belly.

  “Greg sent them to me to hold onto for safekeeping,” Madie replied, taking the matching white sailor hat from the box and placing it on Charleigh’s head. “Do you think Claudia was going to save anything like this?” Of course the question was a rhetorical one. Nothing mattered more to Claudia Davidson that herself.

  “It’s such a shame how that woman could treat her own children like that,” Charleigh scoffed just as the babies started to kick. “Don’t you agree, my precious soccer players?”

  Madie reached out to touch Charleigh’s belly. After a moment, she stood up. “Are you hungry? How about some tea and lemon crème cake?”

  “Are you kidding? We’re always hungry,” Charleigh called over her shoulder. She had the box in her arms and was already headed for the stairs.

  In the kitchen, Charleigh sat at the island counter with a glass of ice-cold milk and two pieces of the cake. She’d already finished off one piece of the delicious dessert, and began on a second with a sigh. When that one was gone, she looked up at Madie and smiled.

  Wiping a few crumbs away from Charleigh’s face, the old woman smiled a little herself. She was enjoying this time they were spending together. They hadn’t done that in a while. Just the two of them together, talking, or painting, or working with the horses. Not that Charleigh could work with the horses in her current condition, but it was still nice for Madie to be able spend some time with the
girl.

  “Have you thought of any names yet?”

  “Tons. I have a ten page list. Front and back. I can’t make up my mind,” Charleigh replied, picking at the remaining crumbs on her plate.

  “What do you like the most, then?”

  Looking past Madie and out the window above the sink, Charleigh saw Cord come out of the stable with Abernathy and let the doors slam behind him. This made her smile. So, he thinks that he can break this horse? Good luck. Charleigh had thought the exact same thing, and look what that got her. A miscarriage, a few fractured ribs, and another battle scar. Not that Charleigh thought Cord shouldn’t try. She’d actually have like front-row seats to see what happened. There was no mistaking that that stud was definitely destined to be a part of the Matthews stock. Abernathy was just as hard-headed as the other males in the family.

  “I like Caleb and Jacob best, but then there’s that thing about rhyming names that I hate,” Charleigh said, going back to the subject at hand. “I couldn’t stand the way Denise named Kyle and Connor. The only thing in common in their names is the short ‘c’ sound, but that was annoying enough for me.”

  “If that’s what you like, then that’s what the babies should be named.”

  Charleigh took a long gulp of her milk. “Wouldn’t that make me a hypocrite?”

  “No, my dear Charleigh. Not at all,” Madie chuckled at the sight of the young woman with her milk mustache, “I think it’s okay if you changed your mind. That was quite a while ago.”

  As she was walking out to her truck, Charleigh decided to take a detour and go down by the stable and corral. Just to see whether Cordell had achieved what he had set out to do with Abernathy. He deserved her congratulations, if somehow he had.

  After putting the box of Jamie’s baby things in the passenger seat of her Tahoe, Charleigh headed in that direction. Unfortunately, they weren’t in the corral. That meant that she’d have to walk farther to the stable, and her feet were beginning to swell again. Charleigh needed to get home soon and prop them up.

  Taking her time, she wanted to make sure that there weren’t any pot holes in the way. The ranch hands were good about filling them in with gravel as soon as a new one was found, but there was always the chance that one had been overlooked.

  Just as Charleigh was reaching out for the door handle, the door swung open and almost knocked her backwards. Luckily, Cord was able to stop the door just centimeters before contact.

  “What is it with me and doors?” Charleigh let out a nervous laugh as she stepped aside.

  “You get in the way of a lot of moving objects, do ya?” Cordell asked. Exiting the building, he smiled. “Sorry, I didn’t see you coming.”

  “Oh, don’t apologize. My own fault. I always seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

  The shock of almost being struck by the door, and the embarrassment of never quite knowing what to say to this man without feeling foolish, caused Charleigh’s mind to go blank. She completely forgot the reason why she’d walked all that way on swollen feet. Why couldn’t Charleigh just ask him how his ride with Abernathy went? Stunned, she stared wild-eyed at Cord.

  “Hey, sorry I couldn’t make it to your baby shower. I did get you something, though. It’s in the house,” he told her, breaking the silence.

  “Oh, you were invited? Good.” Charleigh stammered, still trying to calm herself. “I was kind of worried. I thought maybe you got left off the guest list somehow. It was an impromptu thing, I think…” Ok. Now she was having a problem with word vomit. Shut up, now!!!

  “No, I’d planned to be there, but Daisy got kicked by one of those Jerseys and had colic.”

  “Daisy had colic? Is she okay?” Charleigh asked as she moved toward the stable door. Why hadn’t anybody told her that the horse had been injured and sick?

  “She’s fine now,” Cord said, reaching out to touch her arm. “That was over a month ago. No need to worry now.”

  “Well, I’m glad you took such good care of her,” Charleigh replied. “And I appreciate that you’re taking care of mine, too, since I can’t.”

  “What are friends for?”

  “Is that what we are?” Charleigh asked. Her question made Cordell turn red. “No, I just meant…” Open mouth; insert one swollen foot.

  “I know what you meant, and yes I consider you my friend,” Cord said with a smile. He cocked his head to his right. “Come on. Your present’s in my cottage.”

  The inside of Cordell’s house wasn’t what Charleigh had expected. What that was, she still wasn’t sure, seeing how Cordell was a bachelor and all, but this definitely wasn’t it. In the tiny living room, there was a brown threadbare couch against the wall nearest to the front door. An old patchwork quilt was spread across its back. A wooden rocking chair was setting in the corner. A thirteen inch television set on a scarred coffee table against the farthest wall. There was a painting of horses, which Charleigh recognized as a piece of Madie’s work, among other western-themed portraits on the wall above. A saddle was balanced on a sawhorse on the other side of the room, behind the door. An equally worn area rug covered the wooden floor.

  Beyond the tiny space, there was an even smaller kitchen and dining area. White plates and bowls were clean on a dish drainer next to the sink. There was a small round table and two mismatched chairs. Now, Charleigh realized what the matter was. The space was clean. Neat. Homey. She’d lived with two men, other than her Dad, and she was constantly having to pick up after both Gavin and Jamie. Maybe, Charleigh had just figured, all men who had never been married, were the same. This definitely proved her presumptions were wrong.

  “Here it is,” Cord said, going over to pick up a large blue gift bag from the floor between the furniture. “Madie helped me with all the pretty paper that’s sticking out the top.”

  She watched nervously as Cordell sat down on his couch, not sure whether or not to sit down next to him. There was no polite way to accept the gift and then leave, Charleigh knew this. After all, he’d been nice enough to buy her a gift, even though he didn’t have to. She had more than enough for both of the babies, which Cordell had seen for himself when he’d come and put together all of the baby furniture.

  He’d been there as they watched the Twin Towers collapse, and again when Claudia called to tell Charleigh that she’d had Greg and Jamie officially declared dead. The man had seen Charleigh at some of her weakest moments. So, why did she always get so nervous around this man? Maybe the reasons she thought she shouldn’t were the exact same ones for why she was.

  Not seeing any way out of it, Charleigh sat down on the closest end of the couch.

  “I hope you like ‘em,” Cord told Charleigh, not seeming to notice her discomfort. “I saw these and thought of your babies.”

  Charleigh smiled and removed the tissue paper from the top of the bag. There were several items inside. Two blue and white bibs that read ‘I’m the sheriff of these here parts.’ Each had a little embroidered badge on it. There were rattles and stuffed ponies inside the bag. And two tiny Wrangler western shirts. Charleigh couldn’t help laughing. They were so adorable.

  “Thank you so much. I love them,” Charleigh replied, laying the two shirts on her belly.

  At the same time, the babies seemed to get in a wrestling match as they moved around wildly. Fighting for a little extra legroom, Charleigh imagined. Cord watched with surprise as Charleigh’s belly seemed to move and become misshaped under her shirt.

  “Doesn’t that hurt?” He asked, shifting his eyes from her large bump to her face and back again...

  Charleigh shook her head. “It is uncomfortable sometimes, but not painful.” Forgetting the nervousness, she asked him, “Do you want to feel?”

  “You don’t mind?”

  “Of course not,” Charleigh took his hand and placed it on her stomach, noticing the calloused, rough skin of his palm.

  One of the babies seemed to turn over under Cordell’s fingers, and he yanked his hand away as if
he’d been bitten. The man looked up into Charleigh’s eyes. He was taken aback and yet still a little curious at the same time. It occurred to Charleigh that the man was finally coming to the realization that there really was something living inside that humongous mound. Two somethings, to be exact.

  “Are you sure it’s okay for them to be moving around like that in there?” Cord asked.

  “Yeah,” Charleigh replied. “There’d be cause to worry if they didn’t.”

  Cord nodded with understanding. She watched with delight as Cord’s face lit up with amazement as he reached back over to touch her stomach once more

  Chapter Forty-three

  Gavin sat on a bar stool in Charleigh’s kitchen, watching as she waddled around the room to prepare their dinner. He still found it rather strange to be in this house. He’d helped Charleigh pick out tile samples, granite countertops, and light fixtures. It had been Gavin’s idea to put the sunroom in as an area for Charleigh to paint.

  He was supposed to have lived in this house with Charleigh as her husband. They’d never made it over the threshold as man and wife.

  In fact, the first time Gavin had been in the completed home was just a few months ago when he and Brad came to pick up Charleigh and take her to the baby shower.

  He wasn’t going to dwell on what was never meant to be, though. Mainly because Charleigh wouldn’t let him. They had come to an agreement that they could be friends again, without hashing out all the old war wounds. She could forgive as long as Gavin was able to forget. Gavin was able to forget as long as he knew that he had Charleigh’s forgiveness.

  And that was the reason why he was sitting in her kitchen now. Brad was there, too, sitting on a bar stool next to him. Cordell Allen was there, as well. He moving around the large area with easiness, as if he’d been there on a regular basis. According to Charleigh, Cordell was taking care of the horses for her. Making sure that they had enough feed and hay, water in the trough, and that they were getting plenty of exercise since Charleigh couldn’t do it herself. Being pregnant and all.