Out of Chances

by Shona Husk

  Indigo seemed to agree. She had to go to work so couldn’t lie around in bed and she wasn’t going to let him get in the way of her schedule. She’d pretty much kicked him out with a kiss on the cheek and a cheery, ‘Enjoy your walk of shame.’

  He’d be lying if that still wasn’t making him smile.

  After getting home and having a shower and some breakfast he checked his email, actually read them instead of just scanning them. Ed would be impressed.

  The amps had sold. Sweet.

  He replied and let the buyer knew he could collect them anytime this afternoon.

  He still had money in his wallet from last night. Limiting himself to two drinks while out saved money—and apparently a headache too. He actually felt half decent instead of like a broken old toy.

  Maybe all he’d needed was someone to play with. He held the thought and noted it down. There was something in that. He closed his eyes. He’d written something similar a couple of weeks ago … where had he been? Pizza and red wine … yes. He opened his eyes, flicked back through the notebook and folded down the page so he could pull it together later.

  Right now all he wanted to do was get out of the flat and get some fresh air. A walk down the hill along the river would be fine. Being with Indigo made him feel out of shape and lazy. However, he could stop for a drink at the fancy pub on the way home with the money he’d saved last night. He scooped up his notebook and headed out.

  When he got home there was a car he didn’t recognise in the visitor bay out the front of Mike’s flat. But maybe they’d just parked in the wrong place. As he turned the corner he saw Gemma. Damn, she must have driven Kirsten’s new car.

  ‘I was about to send out the search party.’ She peeled herself off the wall she’d been leaning on.

  ‘I have a phone.’

  ‘Would you have answered?’

  ‘No. I was enjoying some quiet time.’

  Her gaze landed on the book in his hand, but she didn’t say anything. She knew he liked to go and sit and write, and she also knew none of it was personal. She found that odd, he found the way she kept a journal filled with personal information odd. If he’d done that, and his father had found it, he’d have been supplying the ammunition for his own execution.

  After walking for a half hour or so, he’d sat for longer and worked on a song. Even if Ripley’s connection didn’t come off, he had to believe someone would like something he’d written. Which meant he was also going to have to finish off some more pieces so he had a better selection. That had been his plan for this afternoon.

  ‘What do you want, Gem?’ He wasn’t interested in anything she had to say. And he wasn’t going to be baring his heart to her again. He had to stop letting people get away with treating him like shit. He needed to stand up for himself because it was clear that no one else would.

  She looked down and scuffed her sneaker against the asphalt, disturbing the loose gravel and broken glass.

  ‘I had to tell Mike and Ed.’

  ‘It wasn’t yours to tell. I trusted you. It wasn’t bad enough for Lisa to gut me, but you had to take a stab too?’

  She was quiet for a moment. ‘Your drinking is affecting everyone.’

  ‘I fail to see how.’ He crossed his arms. ‘No one said boo when Mike was knocking back whatever was in his hand and feeling up some chick with the other.’

  ‘He wasn’t turning up to practice, or the studio, drunk.’

  ‘I wasn’t drunk.’ He had never turned up drunk. After a few, for sure. He didn’t want Lisa to be his every thought and alcohol had smothered that nicely. Indigo was doing an even better job.

  Gemma narrowed her eyes. ‘You were liquored up enough that it showed.’

  He blinked. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I mean that it wasn’t Mike slowing us down in the studio. Yes, he was having problems concentrating, but his mother was dying. You were fumbling.’

  ‘Bullshit. Why not say something at the time if it was an issue.’ He knew how much he could drink before it affected how well he played.

  ‘We were doing long days because after a few hours you’d be sobered up enough to play. We worked around it, hoping you’d get yourself sorted.’

  ‘And to help, you told everyone about Lisa and the baby. Thanks, Gem, you’re a real pal.’ He didn’t need friends like that … somehow, though, he had to find a way to work with her, tour with her. He missed her as a friend and that’s what hurt the most, but he couldn’t get past the betrayal. It was the principle of the thing.

  ‘They wanted to know what was wrong with you. They knew there was more to it.’

  ‘So let them wonder.’ It wasn’t that hard to say nothing. ‘Jesus. How would you feel if I broadcast your secret?’

  ‘It’s not a secret.’ She pressed her lips together and crossed her arms.

  ‘Then why haven’t you gone public?’

  ‘‘Cause who I sleep with isn’t anyone else’s business. What you were doing was affecting everyone. If you hadn’t been so wrapped up in yourself, maybe we could’ve finished faster and Mike could’ve got home before his mother died.’

  Dan stepped back as though hit. They’d been in Melbourne recording the album when Mike’s mother had died. ‘That’s below the belt.’

  But he couldn’t shake off the blow. Did Mike think that? He hadn’t said anything when he’d come around. But then, Mike could sit on something for ages until he was ready to speak.

  ‘I’m just saying we noticed and we are worried. Ed and Mike needed to know.’

  ‘I’m glad you can justify it.’ He put the key in the lock and opened up the door. She wasn’t just a band mate, she was also a friend. Had been a friend. He needed a friend, and someone to talk to. But it couldn’t be her. ‘I’m not ready to forgive you.’

  ‘Have you forgiven yourself?’

  He drew in a breath. No. He hadn’t, but he was closer than he’d been a week ago. ‘Not yet.’

  ‘Then she is still holding you in her fist, the same as always.’

  He sighed and leaned against the doorframe, unable to go in and shut Gemma out but equally unable to invite her in. ‘I know. I’m working on it.’

  ‘Ed is watching you.’ Her expression softened.

  ‘Waiting for me to screw up?’

  She shook her head. ‘Don’t be like that. Just … cut back. Find something else to do.’

  He had, by accident. Indigo was distracting him. It had been several months since he’d woken up and felt so light, but it hadn’t lasted. And now Gemma was digging in the wound. He didn’t know what she hoped to find. He sighed, not knowing what to say. Or what she wanted to hear.

  He wasn’t sure that he cared.

  ‘I’ll see you around, okay?’ She hesitated.

  He didn’t move.

  Once they would’ve hugged and laughed. But was she going to tell Ed everything that had been said? They’d supported Mike through his mother’s death. But him; they were telling him to move on and get on with it.

  It was hard to move on when Lisa was hanging around his family and sending him little texts. She wanted to get together for coffee or something. He kept saying no. They had nothing to discuss.

  She’d made her choice and he’d made his. He wished he’d split up with her earlier, when the wheels had first started shaking. Then this mess would never have happened, and his father wouldn’t have opened his wallet and waved a fist full of hundreds at Lisa. If she’d had any self-respect she’d have told his father no instead of listening. But he knew how persuasive his father could be, and they had both wanted the same thing from him: quit the band.

  ‘Take care.’ She turned and walked away a few steps. ‘Don’t be a stranger.’

  That was exactly how he felt. He didn’t know who he was anymore. Apparently the kind of guy who had a fuck buddy he took places to make it look as though he had a girlfriend. His resolve not to have beer when he went in wilted.

  He should invite Gemma in. She’d stop h
im. He’d prove how okay he was.

  That was when he knew that he really wasn’t okay and he wasn’t dealing with anything very well. But he couldn’t say that. Not to her. Not now.

  Lisa was costing him one of his best friends. He could almost hear her laughing.

  Invite Gemma in …

  The words wouldn’t form. He watched as she got into her car and pulled away.

  With his guitar on his lap and his laptop open, Dan was pulling together the bones of the song he’d been working on. After the struggle for Selling the Sun’s second album he hadn’t really written anything. There was a peace in finding the music again—even if it was what he liked to call the sweet stuff. The sound might be lighter, but the lyrics could still take a dip.

  He didn’t want to get as dark as ‘Seppuku’ again. There had been too much of his blood in those lyrics.

  His phone buzzed. He glanced at it, saw Ripley’s name and the first few words of the message. It was enough to make him stop and read the full thing.

  Forwarded on your details and had a chat with Nate. He’s going to check out some STS. I have Tuesday off, let’s go out dancing. I need a screw

  Dan smiled. Some things never changed.

  Cheers 4 that. Tuesday is good. Pick up on your own time

  Ur no fun :(

  They both knew Ripley would find what he was looking for anyway. Things like that fell in his lap. Indigo had fallen in his, which he was enjoying very much.

  How was ur date? Ripley asked before Dan had even formulated a reply.

  Not a date. Interesting. Not bringing her. He liked her, but neither of them wanted more. Taking her clubbing with his friends would be too much. Honestly, he wasn’t in a place where he felt like he could date. He was still trying to shove his heart back in his chest so no one could step on it. He was getting there. Seeing Indigo was definitely helping. Not that he was going to admit that; it made him sound like he needed to be with someone to be whole.

  Do it. I’ll get a group together.

  Oh God. Dan wasn’t sure he was up to a mass outing. The idea of hitting the clubs with a bunch of people, probably dancers, that he didn’t know made him uncomfortable. He didn’t like crowds. He liked being out with a couple of people.

  I’ll see.

  Hopefully Ripley would realise he meant no way in hell.

  She might have other plans, or he may not even bother asking her. If they went on too many not dates, things could get muddy. Keep it casual, a phone call and a hook-up. At the moment, that was about as much relationship he could manage. The phone rang in his hand. He answered straightaway, thinking it was Ripley seeking to put the pressure on.

  ‘Have you see today’s paper?’ A female voice filled his ear.

  Dan pulled the phone away to check who it was—not Indigo, that was for sure. Lisa. He smacked himself in the forehead. How could he have missed that? He briefly debated hanging up but it was too late now. ‘No. I’ve been working.’

  But he had a fair idea what Lisa was referring to. One of the pictures of Indigo with him must have made the cut for the gossip pages. He smiled and wished he had seen the paper. She had looked damn hot … the red shoes and stockings afterwards would be something he wouldn’t forget in a hurry.

  ‘Who is she?’ There was a snap in Lisa’s voice, as though she couldn’t believe he’d gone out with someone else.

  He took a breath and then a second one. Lie and say she was a girlfriend or be honest and say friend? Neither. Lisa didn’t have the right to know. ‘What does it matter? We aren’t together. I can do what I want.’

  ‘We have to get back together.’

  Dan leaned back on the sofa. Her insistence was annoying. Could she not see that he wanted nothing to do with her? He’d collected his stuff when she wasn’t home. Taken his name off the lease without talking to her. What else did he need to do? ‘No we don’t.’

  ‘We were so good together.’

  May be at the start, but not at the end. ‘You weren’t happy—’

  ‘Because you were always away.’

  And it was always his fault. ‘That’s my job.’

  ‘So change jobs.’

  He laughed, but there was no joy in it. ‘I won’t jump to your demands and I sure as hell won’t jump to his. Find another sucker.’ He hung up.

  His phone rang again and he hit ignore. It wasn’t him she wanted, it was his father’s money. That left a bad taste in his mouth. His whole relationship with her disintegrated into ashes. For how long had she been thinking of the money and not him?

  Indigo wanted the brush with fame. Would anyone have done? He tried to push away the thought. She wanted him. Had known who he was from the start. But that didn’t erase the doubt that if it had been Mike sitting there, she would’ve hit on him instead. He swept his notebook off the table and shut his laptop.

  Then he went to the fridge and pulled out a beer from under the pizza box.

  On his own he wasn’t good enough.

  Never had been.

  Never would be.

  Chapter 9

  Emma and three of her friends arrived at Indigo’s flat on Thursday. They immediately took over her living room floor and filled her fridge with soft drink and her pantry with snacks.

  That kind of stuff usually never came into her house. While her job kept her fit, it took effort to keep the fat off. She was never going to have anyone tell her she was letting herself go. That if she just did this or that …

  Her father’s voice echoed in her ears. She only had to look at Emma to hear him.

  Emma looked like him. She had the same blonde hair and straight nose. It only took the girls staying there for one meal for Indigo to realise how her sister was staying so painfully thin. She’d lost more weight since Indigo had seen her at Christmas.

  ‘I can do an ice-cream run if anyone wants dessert?’ If she was nice tonight they’d be less likely to abuse the privilege of staying. If she had to clean up spew there would be words. Many words, most of them swear words and all of them out of her mouth.

  Some of the girls nodded. Emma shook her head.

  ‘Come on Emma, you didn’t eat much dinner,’ Indigo said.

  ‘Jay’s sister is getting married and I want to drop a dress size before the wedding.’

  ‘Why? You’re not the bride.’ Her sister was thin enough already. There was a difference between thin and fit.

  Emma gave a one-shouldered shrug. ‘I don’t want to be like Mum.’

  ‘Mum is always on a diet.’ And it seemed Emma was too.

  ‘She never sticks to it, that’s her problem. I can.’ She smiled as though that should’ve been obvious.

  Indigo frowned and rested her hip against the kitchen counter. There was nowhere to sit in her living room and the two chairs at her lame little dining table were covered in clothes that apparently needed to be hung so they wouldn’t get creases.

  She tried not to think about what had happened on the kitchen counter with Dan. But the memory was too fresh and her heart gave a little trip of excitement. While they had exchanged text messages, they hadn’t organised anything else. She hated that she was waiting for that message to come. With her sister and her friends crashing, there was no way she could invite him over.

  ‘Dieting screws your metabolism.’ Her sister really didn’t need to get thinner, none of the girls did. Were they all on a diet?

  ‘Getting fat screws with your social life.’ Emma crossed her arms. ‘Men don’t want you because you are too muscly. You look like a man.’

  Like she hadn’t heard that before, even before she’d become a personal trainer. It was a damn good reason to get bigger boobs.

  ‘Better muscles than bone.’ No one wanted to hug a skeleton.

  The girls laughed. It was that giggle that the popular girls at school did when they thought they knew best. Indigo had always hated it, because she was usually on the receiving end of the joke or snide comment.

  Guess that hadn’t cha
nged. Except her sister was now one of the class bitches.

  Emma and friends were only here for four nights.

  She could do this.

  Would it be wrong to text Dan and see if he wanted a booty call at his place so she could accidentally sleep there?

  Yes it would.

  ‘So no one wants ice-cream except for me?’ Indigo asked again to get a final head count.

  This time all the girls shook their heads.

  Sheep.

  Indigo picked up her car keys, feeling a little sick that her sister was the ringleader. When had that happened? How had that happened? Indigo remembered hiding under the bed with her while their parents had argued, their father blaming their mother for another affair. Mum had tried being blonde, being brunette, wearing skirts, wearing push-up bras and for a while the changes would make him happy, then it would happen again.

  Then the diets would start.

  Then the arguments.

  Then there would be a new look and a new diet, and Indigo would wait for it to happen again.

  Which it did.

  She shouldn’t be surprised that her sister had taken those arguments to heart and was determined to be thin and loveable. No doubt their father approved.

  ‘Fine.’ She walked out and shut the door a little firmer than necessary.

  The more time she spent away from her parents the less she wanted to go back. She didn’t even want ice-cream. No, but she should buy a tub and eat it in front of them. She’d work extra hard tomorrow to burn it off.

  Because that was different to dieting how?

  Was she really too muscly?

  She pulled her phone out of her pocket ready to text Dan … and what, get his approval on her body? She didn’t need it. He had quite happily slept with her and hadn’t once said anything—except to admit he was jealous of her abs. Of course, if he had said something she’d have tossed him out; maybe, what kind of idiot would kick him out of bed? There were plenty of women who would be more than happy to be in her shoes.

  She unlocked her car and got in, still annoyed her sister had gotten under her skin so fast. Her sister’s words were just as cutting as the ones the kids at school had thrown around and the boyfriends who’d complained about her lack of breasts like it was something she should fix for them.