Broken Silence

by Jade Buchanan

“Hey, is this spot taken?”

  Matthew glanced up at the interruption. Rich’s sister was standing in front of him wearing a plain navy sweater with a pair of black pants. Her winter coat was slung over her left arm and she carried a plate of squares in her right hand.

  “Hey, no, feel free to grab a spot of wall. How are you, Lora?”

  “Fine. It’s too bad about Miss Elsie, isn’t it? She was such a sweet lady.”

  “Yeah, she was. I had her as a patient back in December, and she was so great. She told me all sorts of stories about getting into trouble with my aunt.”

  Lora laughed at that. “I’m sure she did. Elsie knew everything about everyone. Every time I saw her in the mall or downtown she would always grab me and tell me something about how bad my dad was when he was a boy. He grew up in Liskeard, went to school here with my mom and then they both moved to Haileybury before Rich was born. That’s when they decided to open the bar.”

  “It must be nice to live in a place where you know all that history.”

  “Sometimes.” Lora grinned and offered him the plate of squares.

  He shook his head. He had enough of them at home since Aunt Addy made them.

  “Sometimes it’s a good thing, but sometimes it just sucks. I can’t figure out whether the good outweighs the bad, or not.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, growing up somewhere where everyone knows you is great. Don’t get me wrong. But, sometimes it means that everyone expects something from you. If you want to do something different, or be someone different, they don’t always let you. Or maybe I’m saying that wrong. It wouldn’t surprise me if someone felt like they had to keep the status quo, rather than rocking the boat. If that makes sense.”

  He wondered what she was talking about. Or who she was talking about. “Yeah, that makes sense. That happens with a lot of people, regardless of where you grow up. If you feel like certain people expect you to be something or someone, then you might run the risk of doing that to make them happy, even if it makes you miserable.”

  “Exactly.” She looked at him like he was a particularly precocious child. “So, how are things with you?”

  “Pretty good. I mean, besides the fact that I’m at a funeral right now.”

  “So, you got home okay?”

  “What?”

  “Well, after the Vegas trip with Rich. You got home okay?”

  Matthew hadn’t realized Rich’s sister knew about the trip. Maybe Rich had told someone after all. “Yeah, your brother dropped me off and not ten seconds later I find out about the funeral. So, it was weird timing. I’m still trying to take it all in.”

  Lora straightened. “I knew it! I knew he wasn’t going alone. I mean, I figured I was pretty right when I thought he was going with you, but there was still a chance I was wrong. Good to know I still have it.”

  “What?” Now it was Matthew’s turn to straighten from where he’d been leaning against the wall. “Wait, you didn’t know Rich was with me?”

  “Of course not. Not one hundred percent, anyway. I guessed, but Rich doesn’t tell us anything.”

  Shit, shit shit shit. Rich didn’t want anyone to know. What was he going to do? “Yeah, uh, Rich was with me and a bunch of my friends. I was lucky he was able to fill the spot we had open.”

  “Oh. It wasn’t just the two of you?”

  “No. Of course not. Why would it be?”

  Lora studied his face. He felt like she could see right through him. Was he sweating? “Right, because there’s absolutely no reason why you and my brother would be spending time together. Alone. Just the two of you. Like a date or anything. No reason at all.”

  Did she know? Of course she knew. How stupid was he? But, Rich wasn’t out to anyone, so she was just guessing. He couldn’t say anything. Oh, he needed to talk to Rich. Now.

  Chapter Twelve

  Rich nodded at the familiar faces as he opened the door to the bar. He passed through to put his stuff up in his place, but he figured he was due for a few beers now that he was back and still technically on holidays. They couldn’t make him work today. It didn’t take him long before he was stretched out at the bar watching TV, working on his second beer. His first he’d practically guzzled. It had tasted sweet. There was nothing quite like his homegrown Canadian beer to put hair on his chest and warm the cockles of his heart.

  He’d sure enjoyed the trip down to Vegas but he was glad to be home. He wouldn’t mind traveling more, though. He figured he could get used to that. Getting to go to different cities, maybe different countries eventually. He was a true homebody, though, so he’d always have to come back here, but he could get used to seeing other places. Well, as long as he had Matthew as a travel guide. The man was sure fun to spend time with.

  He watched the sports channel and shot the shit with the few people that came up to the bar for who knows how long. He wasn’t even sure what beer he was on now, but he was feeling no pain, so he didn’t really care.

  “Rich, how you doing?”

  Rich turned at the voice, smiling warmly at his Uncle Henry. “Hey, old man. Aren’t you supposed to be in the kitchen?”

  “Nah. Had a day off, just like you.”

  “Hey, I’m on holidays,” Rich said.

  “Yeah, yeah. You just get back?” Uncle Henry perched on the stool beside him.

  “Few hours ago, I guess.”

  “Win big?”

  “Yeah, let’s not talk about that. I won some, and lost some. Overall, I think I broke even. Or close to.”

  “That’s good. Listen, I was just over at Elsie Spetzer’s funeral. I’m not sure if you’ve heard that she died a few days ago.”

  “Shit. No, I hadn’t heard that. That’s too bad.”

  Uncle Henry shrugged. “Yeah. Anyway, I, uh. I ran into Adeline Tubman there.”

  “Yeah?” Rich wondered if Matthew had been with her. Hell, he’d just dropped the guy off at her house so maybe she hadn’t been home at the time.

  “Yeah, she said her nephew was down in Vegas with you. That true?”

  Rich picked at the label on his beer. He hadn’t expected that. What was he supposed to say? “Yeah, he was going down with a bunch of his friends and they had an opening. Asked if I wanted to pitch in and since it made it cheaper I figured why not. We all did our own thing when we got there, but it was nice to save some money. You know? Dad doesn’t pay me near enough, and he refused that last raise I asked for.” He faked a laugh.

  His uncle didn’t reciprocate. “See, because the way she was talking, it sure sounded like you two went together because you are together. Now, don’t get mad. I’m not trying to accuse you of anything, I just wanted to let you know what was being said about you.”

  Rich didn’t know what to say. How was he supposed to react? “No, that’s not true. Geez, we’re friends.”

  “Right, right. That’s what I thought. Just wanted to let you know.” Uncle Henry backed away, but he had a weird look in his eyes that Rich didn’t know what to make of.

  He hadn’t believed him. That was it. He thought Rich was lying. Which was true, but how would his uncle know that? Shit, if his uncle knew, then his parents would find out. And his friends. They were all going to know. Everyone was going to think he was a fag. Some kind of pussy. What was he going to do?

  His phone buzzed, signaling an incoming text. He picked it up and nearly saw red.

  You free for a bit? Matthew texted.

  Meet me at the Lower Notch, he texted back. He didn’t give a shit if Matthew had to ask for directions. He wanted to get out of here and that was the first place he thought of where they might get some privacy.

  Fuck, were people looking at him? Shit, they were. Jack and James Connell were both staring at him from where they were seated at the bar, whispering back and forth. Had they heard what his uncle had said? Were they saying things about him?

  He had to get out of here.

  It didn’t take him long to drive out to Mission Ro
ad and down to the Lower Notch. The dam was the same as ever, as was the trusty little bridge that sat as it always had. It was only as long as a car-length really, with the small river flowing underneath. There were manmade banks surrounding the river with large slabs of rock, past the small power generator station and up to Lake Temiskaming herself. His dad had been part of the crew that had worked on those banks. His dad and his uncles.

  Shit, what was he going to do? He’d thought about this moment in the past, but it still didn’t prepare himself for when he would actually have to face his family. What were they thinking?

  He took a sip from the beer he’d picked up at the LCBO on the way. He figured he still had time if Matthew had to come from New Liskeard, and he’d been right since he’d beaten Matthew here. Rich paced back and forth on the bridge. What was he going to do?

  Finally, Matthew pulled up in his little car. He was wearing a pair of slacks under his winter jacket, so Rich figured he must have gone to the funeral since Matthew had been wearing jeans when he’d dropped him off.

  “Hey, how are you doing?” Matthew asked.

  “Fine. You? You been somewhere?”

  “Yeah. Elsie Spetzer died when we were gone. My aunt was going to her funeral so I went with her.”

  “Yeah, I heard that. My uncle told me. He told me some other things, too.”

  “Right. Well, look, I wanted to talk to you right away, because I saw your sister at the funeral, and—”

  “No, I don’t think you were listening.” Rich pointed his beer can at Matthew. “I said my uncle said some other things. You want to know what he said?”

  “Are you drinking?”

  “Do you want to know what he said?”

  Matthew ran his hand through his hair. “Sure, I guess. If it’s so important.”

  “My uncle talked to your aunt. Apparently she told him that we were in Vegas together. Actually, she told him that we were together together.”

  “What? No, she wouldn’t do that. Rich...”

  “Together together, Matthew. My uncle practically asked me if I was a fag.”

  “Don’t say that word.”

  “Do you know how that makes me feel? Do you know what I’m supposed to do now?”

  Matthew looked like he was going to start crying, but Rich was too far gone to care. “What did you say?” he whispered.

  “I told him it wasn’t true. Fuck, what was I supposed to say?”

  “You could have told him we were together. What would it have hurt?”

  “Matthew, don’t you get it?”

  “No, I don’t get it. It doesn’t matter anyway, because I did tell your sister we were together. In Vegas.”

  Rich felt like his heart was going to pound right out of his chest. Had he heard that right? “You what?”

  “It was an accident. She was saying that she knew we’d gone and I said that we had, and I didn’t realize that she was just testing me. I thought she knew. I’m sorry. Rich,” Matthew said, coming toward him.

  Rich backed up, hitting the bridge railing.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say anything. I’m so sorry, Rich.”

  “You said you’d give me time. You said you’d let me do this at my own pace. You outed me to my sister?”

  “Rich, I’m so sorry. Andrew was right, I—”

  “You talked to Andrew about this?”

  “Shit. No, this isn’t coming out right. I’m—”

  “Who else have you told?”

  “No one.”

  “Except your aunt obviously knows.”

  “She saw us in the driveway when you dropped me off. She obviously put two and two together. I swear I haven’t said anything.”

  “Fuck, Matthew? What the fuck am I supposed to do now?”

  Matthew sighed. He shrugged his shoulders and stepped closer to Rich. “You could confirm that we’re together?”

  “I can’t, Matt.”

  “You can’t?”

  “You know why I can’t.”

  “No, no I don’t know why you can’t. I’m sorry that this is all happening, but you can still take control of it. All you have to do is go to your family and—”

  “I can’t do that, Matt.” Shit, why didn’t Matthew understand where he was coming from? He didn’t know how his family was going to react. He couldn’t just approach them without knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that they weren’t going to treat him the way Jonah’s family had treated him. He wouldn’t survive that. He knew he wouldn’t survive if his family deserted him.

  Matthew let out a short scream, startling Rich. What the hell was that?

  “Right, how could I forget? You know what else my aunt said today? She was full of statements apparently. She said that now that Elsie is gone, there’s an opening at the home where she lived. My aunt was next on the list. So, she’s selling her house. She’s moving into the nursing home and I’m out of a home. She told me that I can go back home, now.”

  Rich stared at Matthew in shock. He was just going to leave? Just like that? Like they meant nothing to each other? “When were you going to tell me you were leaving?”

  “You think I’m leaving?”

  “Well, why the fuck else are you bringing it up? You’re just going to go? Just like that? Like nothing is going on between us?”

  “Nothing is going on between us. Isn’t that right? You seem to think that I’m the only one standing on this bridge that’s actually gay.”

  “I’m not gay,” Rich said, automatically. Fuck, it was second-nature.

  “You know how I know you're gay? Because you fucked me last night!” Matthew shouted.

  “No, that just makes you gay.” He winced as soon as the words left his mouth.

  They stared at each other, chests heaving.

  Matthew was the first to move. He turned around without another word and started for his car.

  “Wait, Matthew. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.” Rich stumbled forward, panicking.

  Matthew ignored him for the first time since they’d started this relationship. He didn’t even look at Rich as he got in his car and reversed until he had enough room to turn around and speed off.

  Rich stupidly chased after his car for a few steps before he raced back to his own car. Fuck. What had he done? He hadn’t meant to say that. He hadn’t meant any of that. He was scared. So fucking scared that everyone was going to hate him, that he’d taken it out on the one person who had accepted him.

  Matthew had been the one person who hadn’t cared when Rich was an ass. Hell, Rich knew he wasn’t the best catch, but Matthew made it seem like he enjoyed being with him. And Rich loved being with Matthew. He loved spending time with him, getting to know him. He was finally looking forward to having someone in his life. A romantic someone. His life wasn’t looking quite so lonely anymore. He wanted more of that. And now he’d fucked it up. He’d kicked out at the one person who accepted him without reservations.

  What had he done? Rich started his car, fumbling for the keys. He was barely aware of his surroundings as he drove down Mission Road, desperate to stop Matthew. To talk to him. To fix this. He had to fix this. He didn’t see the other car coming until it was too late.

  Chapter Thirteen

  This was officially going down as the worst day of Rich’s life. He stared at his cousin, Kevin, as he got read the riot act.

  “Do you realize how fucking stupid you are? You could have been killed. You could have killed Mrs. Mackie. Do you know how lucky you are that she swerved out of the way in time? That you only drove yourself into the ditch and not the lake.”

  “The lake is frozen,” he said, unable to help himself.

  “And with your fucking luck you would have cracked through the ice. No, keep that on your face. You’re bleeding, asswipe,” he yelled as Rich started to move the compress he was holding.

  “I’m taking you to the hospital and then I’m taking you to jail. I’ve had it, Rich. Fucking had it up to here. I don’t care if y
ou’re my cousin. You’re going in the drunk tank until you sober up and you can get picked up in the morning. You understand me?”

  Rich sniffed. He didn’t know why Kevin bothered with him. He’d already been checked out by the paramedics and they’d said he was fine. Mostly fine. He had some bruises and he needed stitches but he refused to ride in the ambulance. “I don’t need the hospital.”

  “You’ve probably got a concussion, your blood alcohol is off the charts and with your luck you also probably have a fucking blood clot somewhere and if I don’t take you in to be checked out you’re probably going to fucking drop dead in an hour. Now, get your ass up and get in the car. No, wait a minute. We have to do this all official. I’m sorry, Rich, but you blew big. I have to charge you with impaired driving.

  “You’re facing an immediate ninety day suspension of your license and a seven day impoundment of your vehicle. Which doesn’t really matter since you totaled it when you hit the fucking ditch. Your BAC is over 0.08 and I have no choice but to charge you for it. If you are convicted in court, you face penalties under Canada's Criminal Code and Ontario's Highway Traffic Act. You will be required to undergo alcohol education and/or treatment, there will be an Ignition Interlock installed on your vehicle for a year, whenever you buy a new one. If you are convicted, you face a $1,000 fine, since you’re a first time offender. You will also receive a one-year suspension on your license if you are convicted. Do you understand?”

  Rich nodded. God, he was such a fuck up.

  “Okay, Jesus. I had to do that. Now, give me a hug, you asshole. I thought you’d killed yourself.”

  Rich leaned forward and let Kevin squeeze him. He rested his aching head on his cousin’s shoulder and sniffed.

  “Okay, you’re going to be okay. Now, come on and get in the car.”

  They passed Mrs. Mackie giving her statement to Lou. Rich shamefully met her concerned gaze. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Mrs. Mackie. I didn’t mean to...” He didn’t know what else to say. He was dog shit. He was the lowest of the low.

  “It’s okay, Rich. I’m not hurt. You get yourself taken care of, you hear. I don’t want to hear about this happening again, so you better deal with whatever demons have you by the tail.” Mrs. Mackie patted his cheek gently. “Go on with you, now.”