Little Red Gem

by D L Richardson

  No time for pleasantries. I stepped up to the piano and removed sheets of paper from inside my dress. “Actually, I wrote a song. If you’ll give it a go I’m sure you’ll love it.”

  Shanessa’s hands paused above the keys. Her head turned inches at a time until she looked at me like she was about to eject a poisonous web from her eyes and trap me in it. I shifted my gaze to Natalie; the note on the violin hovered, the same way her suspicious gaze hovered. Before either of them could object, I sat the sheet music to the song I had written in the middle of the night on the piano stand.

  Shanessa had always been the analytical one. Slap a find-a-word puzzle in front of her and she couldn’t help but run her gaze over it to find the most words she could in three seconds. Now, she ran her eyes over the sheet and played the first few bars.

  “Not bad,” she muttered.

  Natalie was usually the devil’s advocate of the group. She was the one to remind Shanessa and me how we didn’t have time to change or we didn’t have time to learn a new song or we shouldn’t eat carbs for two days before a gig. So I was pleased when Natalie made her way over to stand behind Shanessa. Her lips mouthed the lyrics, and the look of concentration on her face indicated she was playing the music inside her head.

  Shanessa spun on the stool and glared at me.

  “You wrote this?” she demanded.

  “Hard to believe, but yes.”

  “Honest to god this is your music and not something you swiped off the internet?”

  “I swear it’s mine. Look, I know this is a lot to ask, but if we perform this song I’m confident we’ll make it to the finals. Please give this one shot. If we don’t nail the song first go, I’ll never badger you again.”

  Natalie and Shanessa looked at one another as if considering my proposal, or as if considering ditching me at the last moment, I couldn’t quite tell. But if they were considering my song then I knew they were thinking that if we started playing and we made too many mistakes, or if the song didn’t come together at all, then it would take more time than we had to perfect it and we’d go with something they knew and could teach me.

  If they decided to cut my song, I’d need to find a way to perform it on my own. The success of my plan hinged on this song.

  I held up my bandaged wrist. “I’d play it myself if I could. Please. I really can’t do this without you.”

  “No, you can’t,” said Shanessa. “And we can’t win without you. Let’s get to it girls, we haven’t got a lot of time.”

  ***

  Thirty minutes later, I left the studio with a cement-hardened heart at the realization that I might not come back from the auditions because if Leo poked through this charade and forgave me for dying, maybe I’d dissolve into dust. Or worse, maybe Leo wouldn’t notice a thing and I’d return to the cabin to spend eternity as a ghost where not even demon hunters would bother me because I’d be too depressed to attract their attention from being too depressed to terrorize humans.

  At least either outcome meant an end to Audrey’s torment, and the relief my half-sister would soon be free sent small bubbles of joy to dance inside my stomach. Too little too late, if I was being honest with myself. I suspected Audrey might not be as forgiving as I hoped.

  The mall wasn’t packed like at Easter or Thanksgiving, but it was busier than a typical Sunday. Shanessa led the way to the registration booth past Wendy’s where Leo and I used to sip milkshakes, and also past the jewelry store where Leo had had on lay-away a garnet studded key chain which now hung around my neck as a good luck charm.

  I’d liked to have said I was reveling in the moment, but the lyrics were getting bashed around inside my head in a tumultuous wave of worry. I was nervous. A lot was at stake here.

  I memorized for the millionth time the entire song, and when I spied Leo standing at the registration booth the words flew right out of my head.

  I let out a groan. “This isn’t gonna work.”

  Natalie clutched at my arm and offered me a warm smile. “You’ll be fine. We’ll be on stage with you.” Her smile suddenly dropped. “Ruby told me she used to look at a spot behind the crowd. It must have worked because a lot of people said they felt like she was singing to them. Sorry, I shouldn’t have brought this up at such a critical time. I still find it hard to keep it together.”

  Shanessa returned from the booth carrying a program and our sheet music. “You okay Audrey? You look a little pale.”

  Natalie picked imaginary lint off my dress, fussing the way my mom used to. “She’s nervous.”

  “Totally understandable. If you wanna back out, Natalie and I can perform another song.”

  “No. I can’t back out,” I said.

  Ruby Parker was crazy, desperate, impulsive, and irrational, but she was not a quitter.

  “Good girl, because your song is awesome.” Shanessa’s eyes scanned the crowd and I wondered who she was looking for. “They’re here.”

  “Who’s here?” I asked.

  “Simon and Thomas. Word spread that Leo is performing solo and they said if he did he was out of the band.”

  “But it’s his band.”

  Shanessa shrugged. “They’re losers anyway. They’re always turning up to rehearsals drunk or stoned.”

  “Not Leo,” I said.

  Shanessa smiled weakly. “He’s just lost his girlfriend. Drowning his sorrows is understandable, but I’m getting the impression he’s using Ruby’s death as an excuse to check out of this world. She tried to warn me and I didn’t listen. Anyway, I’ve tried talking to him about his dark mood, but he won’t have a bar of it.”

  Had I been walking around with blinkers not to notice that people saw Leo differently to the way I did. They saw a reckless boy who was a danger to himself and to any girl who came near him. They saw a boy who got a girl pregnant. They saw a boy who drank too much.

  I saw a boy who was sweet, shy, ambitious, loving. I saw a boy who saved up for a little red gem for his Little Red Gem.

  “Do you know why I call you Little Red Gem,” he’d asked me not long after he’d given me the nickname. He hadn’t waited for an answer. “Because underneath all the shine and glitter is a rock. You are my rock, Ruby. Without you I am at the mercy of a dark tumultuous sea.”

  “What slot are we?” Natalie asked, snapping me out of the past.

  Shanessa consulted the program. “Fifth. We’re on at twelve thirty.”

  “Good, only an hour of butterflies and doubt churning in my stomach,” I said, although, I had been too nervous to eat breakfast so probably I was hungry.

  “Relax,” Shanessa said, though I detected a trace of nervousness in her tone, too.

  We took our seats backstage but we were too anxious to sit still, so the three of us moved around the room as if we were casing the joint. In a way I was. The second I’d stepped backstage I’d been on the hunt for Leo. Right on cue he walked backstage and our eyes locked. He lifted a hand and waved at me. My cheeks warmed instantly and my heavy heart lifted a little. Even the butterflies stopped beating their wings for a second, and then they realized what was at stake and they returned to hyper drive mode.

  Great effort was expended trying to take my eyes off him, but the first act took to the stage and I needed to check out the competition. Act one was an older guy with black greasy hair and a beaten up guitar. Traditionally, these TV reality shows favored the younger acts, so I was shocked this guy had bothered to show up. He didn’t even look like he could sing, but was I mistaken. He could play, too, and the crowd applauded long and hard.

  Act two was a group of young male singers. They shimmied and harmonized well, despite the jerks from school taking the piss out of them. By the second verse the heckling seemed to have lowered their confidence because they started to come undone. They managed to get their moves back under control but the slight dip in coordination must have lost them a few points.

  Act three stepped onto the stage. Shanessa nudged me.

  “She’s the fa
vorite,” she whispered.

  The favorite was a ten-year-old girl with a violin. We’d performed at enough talent quests to know kids got awarded points simply for showing up. Add a big pair of innocent eyes, pigtails, the ability to sing and play any instrument – one year a kid with an innocuous triangle trumped us – and the other contestants might as well have gone home and set themselves on fire. The funny thing was, right now I didn’t care about winning. I only cared about Leo paying close attention to the lyrics and my voice.

  At last we were called up to take the stage. Natalie had borrowed the violin from Rock-A-Lilly’s, but sadly the grand piano wouldn’t fit in the car. Shanessa had to make do with the upright piano on the stage. My place was centre of stage, behind the microphone and facing the audience, but without Leo in my sights I couldn’t seem to face the crowd. Shanessa and Natalie glared at me to face the front, and when Leo pushed through the people who had gathered backstage until he was standing in the wings, not visible to the audience but visible to me, I gushed like a girl thinking that her savior had sensed her worry and come to the rescue.

  He mouthed the words, “Good luck”, and I mouthed the words, “Close your eyes”.

  I turned to face the audience. Their fidgeting stopped when Shanessa played the intro, at which point I knew we’d hooked them in.

  On the ride over we had agreed that, considering I’d written the song, I would sing and they would accompany me. I hadn’t had to push the point to get them to agree. I was mildly surprised to find they had matured since my passing.

  Taking my own advice to Leo, I closed my eyes, and after a slight pause from Shanessa to signal the end of the intro I opened my mouth and sang:

  “You walked a million miles around me

  Not noticing at all

  Shooting stars and me are so much alike

  In that, we both fall

  This is the part of me I hate

  The part that’s full of lies

  This is the part of me I hate

  The part I try disguise

  You walked a million miles around me

  Not much of me you see

  A bleeding heart and thoughts of you are all I have

  To keep my company

  This is the part of me I hate

  The part too scared to speak

  This is the part of me I hate

  Whenever you are near, I grow weak.”

  Shanessa pressed down hard on the keys and Natalie upped the tempo on the violin to signal the incoming coda. I didn’t notice anyone else, and I hoped they didn’t notice me; I was sure tears were gushing down my cheeks:

  “Maybe I could be happy

  If I could tell you how I feel

  Maybe I could be wrapped up in your arms

  But I doubt it, somehow that’s much too real.”

  The music simmered down but we weren’t finished. Shanessa gently pressed on the keys and Natalie muffled the strings while I sang the final verse:

  “You walked a million miles around me

  Never stopped along the way

  Painted glass and me are so much like

  In that, we don’t give much away

  This is the part of me I hate

  The part afraid to say, I love you

  This is the part of me I hate

  Whenever you are near, I fade away

  This is the part of me I hate

  The part I try disguise

  This is the part of my I hate

  The part that without you, simply dies.”

  The song ended on a resonating note and we weren’t used to deafening silence so we quickly bowed and left. It was only when we were hidden by the curtain back stage that the crowd began to cheer. And I mean really cheer. The applause was loud enough to drown out the overhead announcement of a lost child.

  We couldn’t stop smiling.

  “Oh. My. God. That was amazing,” Natalie gushed. “Audrey, you are so in our band. Got any more songs?”

  I recalled the song I sang to Anne my first night in the cabin. “A few.”

  “I hate waiting till the end for the results,” Shanessa shrieked.

  We nodded our heads in agreement. Then we spent the next few minutes waiting and pacing and waiting and pacing. How horrible of the judges to expect a group of teenagers to grasp the concept of patience.

  Leo hurried down the stairs. All notions of a musical career were cast aside and I took a brief moment to silently chide myself for getting suckered in by the limelight and forgetting the very reason I was here. I told the girls I’d be back in a minute and raced to intercept him.

  He pulled me aside. His breathing came out fast. As he drew me in closer, parts of my body began to quiver in anticipation of his kiss.

  “You were great,” he said.

  “I wrote that song for you. I hoped that when you heard my voice you’d recognize me.”

  He blinked, confused. “But I do recognize you.”

  “No, Leo, it’s me. I know this is hard to believe but it’s me, Ruby.”

  His honey-colored eyes darkened. “Ruby’s dead.”

  “Yes, but I saw how sad you were so I found a way to come back. I wanted to make sure you were all right.”

  “Ruby is dead,” he said, his voice a little tighter.

  “Leo, look inside your heart. You know it’s me. Please tell me you know it’s me. I’m your Little Red Gem.”

  There was a mad look in his eyes. Why was there a mad look in his eyes?

  “What sort of stunt are you pulling?” he hissed. “I gave you that keychain as a memento of your sister and you use it against me.”

  “This isn’t a stunt. I swear it on my mother’s life. I’m Ruby. I found a way to come back from the dead. Not like a zombie or a vampire, more like a magic trick that involved borrowing Audrey’s body. And you and I got close, closer than when I was alive. I knew a song was the only way to get you to recognize me beneath this façade. Tell me you know it’s me.”

  His eyes probed me, searching, searching. When they sparkled I detected an ember of hope, but like on a cold night the flicker of light died.

  His fingers dug into my arms. “Why are you doing this? I trusted you. I confided in you. And you mock me. What sort of person does that?”

  It was natural for Leo to feel betrayed or deceived, largely due to the fact that I had both betrayed and deceived him. But I wasn’t prepared for the loathing I saw in his eyes and heard in his voice. He hated me. Totally the opposite of what I’d expected.

  “I’ll prove it’s me,” I said. “The night I died, you wore the green sweater I gave you on our second date. It had a stain on the front. Simon spilled red wine on it.”

  Leo’s jaw clenched tighter. “All that proves is that you eavesdropped on mine and Ruby’s conversation.”

  “Okay. How about this for proof? The day you and I drove to Prospect, the car skidded on the road and we saw that cross covered in flowers. Well, we didn’t skid because you hit an oily patch. We skidded because you were drunk. The bottles were rattling around inside the damned car, Leo. Did you think I didn’t hear them? And you were chewing on mints to cover the scent. Did you think I didn’t notice? You’re becoming an alcoholic, Leo Culver. You promised me you’d quit drinking and you broke that promise.”

  Anne had said I would never be free until I could admit the truth. I’d kept the truth well hidden for so long that I couldn’t control it from bursting out any longer.

  “You wanna know why I went to the cabin that night? I found out I was pregnant and I wanted to see if you’d be the sort of guy who’d stick around or run away. I’ve known you since I was six, but lately it was like I hardly knew you at all. Every time you drank you drifted further and further away from me. All I wanted was for you to come back to me.”

  “You’re a deeply troubled girl,” he said. And then he stormed off.

  ***

  I ran all the way home. By the time I arrived my wrist was a dull ache extending from the tips o
f my fingers to the socket in my shoulder. Whoever had said that getting a secret off their chest was liberating was a liar. A herd of elephants dancing on my chest were less crushing. Right now I was so pinned down with hopelessness that a million balloons could not have lifted me one inch off the ground.

  I’d blown it. Leo hated me.

  Logic told me that Leo had every right to be pissed at me for the past few weeks of deception. Had logic ever played a starring role in affairs of the heart? Somehow I doubted it. And it didn’t matter that I didn’t care that Leo ought to be pissed, I just wanted him not to be.

  Dragging my feet up the stairs, I fell into a heap onto Audrey’s bed. Then I rolled over and stared up at the ceiling, telling myself I obviously wasn’t right in the head. Leo was right to declare me deeply troubled. Let’s face it, I hadn’t exactly been right in the head since a few weeks before I’d died, even before that; since I’d found out I was carrying his child.

  My hand rested on my stomach and traveled in a lazy circle. In life and in death, only the tiniest of bumps had hinted that something grew inside of me. But in Audrey’s body, nothing showed. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder if my baby would have been a boy or a girl. The image of a girl with pigtails and a pink dress brought a smile to my face.

  My joy was short-lived and the crescendo of agony that swept through me erupted as a howl. I’d let myself become so consumed by love that it had blinded me to the real truth. I’d had a miracle growing inside me. Did any other love compare?

  In between sobs that made me choke and splutter, I attempted to steady my breathing to mediate myself into the astral plane. Trying to slow down my heart rate so I could master the golden light breathing exercise proved awkward; I couldn’t open my lips without taking huge gulps, yet each huge gulp was like breathing in smoke. A taste of what I could look forward to in an eternity in hell, perhaps.