The Cowboy, The Cheat, His Ex-Wife & Her Vibrator

by C. C. Coburn

  Beth forced herself not to clamp a hand over her mouth. Had she really said that? Hoo, boy, this would not look good to the deputy and all his witnesses!

  “Ma’am…” He leaned forward, still clasping his hat. “Beth… I’m sure you can understand that this doesn’t look good, can’t you?”

  “You’re inferring that I cut JJ’s throat in order to keep my house safe from his clutches?” Beth couldn’t help the hitch in her voice, its raised pitch sounding almost shrill. “Believe me, if I wanted to get rid of JJ, I’d find a far more suitable end for him and you wouldn’t be finding the body!”

  “Really?” Deputy Steven’s brow rose. “And how would you go about that?”

  Beth threw up her hands. “How would I know? I haven’t had time to contemplate it. Someone beat me to it.” She smiled and shrugged.

  “You’re back to not taking this very seriously.”

  “How can I? Look, I have four children to care for. When am I going to find the time to go down the mountain from Cedar Falls, find JJ, entice him back up to Pinetree Canyon, cut his throat and push his car over a cliff? JJ was over six feet tall and outweighed me by a good eighty or a hundred pounds. How would I manage to overpower him enough to cut his throat? And then push his car over a cliff. You’re not being logical.” She crossed her arms defensively.

  “We haven’t established that you ever were in Cedar Falls,” he said.

  “Well I haven’t been here! ” she almost bellowed. “Ask the neighbors.”

  “If you’d like to tell us exactly where you were in Cedar Falls, we can check out your alibi.”

  This blasted man was like a dog with a bone. Usually in TV programs when the questioning got too tough or the suspect didn’t want to answer the question, they just blew the cop off with some sort of excuse—or increased the speed on their running machine. She wasn’t being charged with anything, so maybe she should try that tactic?

  She opened the doors to the living room and said, “I really need to go and supervise my children’s baths and get them to bed. It’s a school day tomorrow, so if you don’t mind…”

  Deputy Stevens fixed her with a long look that spoke volumes but reluctantly got to his feet and followed her to the door. “When the coroner has finished his report, I’ll probably need to question you further, Beth. In the meantime, please don’t leave town without contacting me first, alright?” He handed over a business card.

  “Fine,” she said and walked to her front door. What was she supposed to say now? Maybe something to tone down how flippant she’d been at the start? Yes that sounded like a good idea. “Well, it’s been great meeting you all. Thank you for coming and giving me the news in person.” Although a phone call would have sufficed. “That was very kind of you.” What was she going to tell the neighbors about all those cars?

  She opened the door to find a heap of neighbors gathered on the sidewalk talking amongst themselves and pointing. Great, just great! “Deputy Stevens?”

  He turned to her. “Yes?”

  “If you wouldn’t mind, could you inform my neighbors of JJ’s demise? I’d prefer not to have them knocking on my door all night long asking what was up. The children…” she finished.

  “Of course, Mrs. Harman.”

  Mrs. Harman? Beth thought. Was she Mrs. Harman anymore? She’d hadn’t really been since the divorce, but had kept her married name to save confusion for the kids with school and extra–curricular sports, etcetera. Could she now change all their surnames to her maiden name? It would sure as hell piss off JJ’s mother. Yes, that seemed like a very good idea, Beth thought as she mounted the stairs.

  “What was that about, Mom?” Jack asked as she entered the bathroom. He was drying off Molly and the twins were splashing around getting more water on the floor than themselves.

  Situation normal, Beth thought as she took over drying Molly from Jack. Except that it really wasn’t normal was it? Wasn’t likely to be anymore. JJ was dead. And while the knowledge filled her with a strange sense of immense pleasure, he was her children’s father and she had to tell them the truth. Beth cursed herself for not thinking this out better before coming upstairs. She should’ve rung Tilly and asked her to come by and help her break the news.

  Hoisting Molly onto her hip, she said, “Boys, finish your bath and come downstairs when you’re dressed for bed, okay?”

  She didn’t wait to hear their reactions, carrying Molly through to her bedroom, dressed her in her pajamas and tucked her into bed. Molly could wait till morning to hear the news. She kissed her sweet daughter goodnight and went to call Tilly.

  “Are you serious?” Tilly demanded when Beth told her what had happened.

  “That’s pretty much what I said to the Sheriff’s Deputy. I thought it was one of those funny telegram things, you know, when the guy turns up dressed as a cop and then he starts to strip. Except there were an awful lot of cops and unfortunately they didn’t strip. They just looked really serious. Especially when I told them what great news that was.”

  “You didn’t!”

  “Yeah, I did. I couldn’t help myself. It was like all my dreams had come true at once.”

  “So you’re feeling okay about all this?”

  “I have to admit I feel fantastic, especially after what he did on Friday. But now I have to tell the kids and I don’t want to do it on my own.”

  “I’m on my way, sweetie,” Tilly said and Beth heard the phone click off.

  Tilly would be another five minutes. Beth could hear the bath water going down the drain. The boys would be downstairs soon asking her questions about why the cops were here.

  Beth busied herself in the kitchen, heating milk for hot chocolate to help soften the blow. The boys probably wouldn’t sleep well, but the warm drink might help to make them sleepy enough to get through the night.

  She poured the steaming mixture into five mugs just as the doorbell rang.

  “I’ll get it!” Jack called as he slid down the banister.

  It was Tilly as promised. She hugged the boys and then steered them towards the kitchen where Beth waited.

  Tilly hugged Beth and Beth released a sigh of relief as she sagged against her friend. She hadn’t realized she’d been so uptight until Tilly’s tiny gesture of support. Beth took a seat and indicated the boys should do the same.

  “What did the cops want, Mom?” Jack demanded.

  Beth reached over and caught his hand. “It was about your dad, honey. He’s… been in a… car accident.” Beth figured that was all the boys needed to know right now.

  “Is he alright?” Jack asked.

  “Um, no. I’m afraid not.”

  “Is he in the hospital?” Ben asked.

  Beth glanced at Tilly. This was harder than she thought it would be. Why couldn’t she just say, ‘Your lousy excuse for a father is dead and I’m glad he is!’ and be done with it?

  Tilly cleared her throat. “I’m afraid he’s dead, honey. There was nothing they could do and he didn’t suffer.”

  Beth glanced at Tilly. She was a good liar. And a great friend.

  Mikey got up and came around the table to hug his mom. “It’s okay, Mom. Don’t cry,” he said and gave a soft sob.

  Crying had been the last thing on Beth’s mind. Celebrating was the first one, but her kids were in pain and she had to deal with them first.

  “I hope he did suffer,” Jack said and Beth’s head snapped up. “I hate him.”

  “Sweetie, you’re in shock. Don’t say anything you might regret later,” Beth urged.

  “I won’t regret it. I’m glad he’s gone after what he did to us.”

  Beth felt a rising sense of alarm. Had she somehow telegraphed to her kids how much she despised JJ? She’d tried to keep their fights private, but she was sure Jack had heard some of them. She bit her lip. Maybe she should have waited till morning and they had a counselor on hand to help her deal with this?

  “I hated him too,” Mikey said.

  “Then why ar
e you cryin’?” Ben demanded. “You’re such a sissy!”

  “I’m not! I’m sad for Mommy!” he yelled and threw a punch at his brother.

  Beth was immobilized with shock. This wasn’t how she imagined breaking the news to her kids would develop. Tilly was on her feet in moments, grabbing both boys by the backs of their shirts and separating them before it turned into full–scale war.

  “I hated him more!” Mikey yelled.

  “No! I did!” Ben yelled back.

  “I hated him first!” Mikey cried.

  “No, I did!” Jack yelled above the noise. “I knew him longer than you two so I hated him longer.”

  The twins stopped at that. “He’s right,” Mikey agreed and resumed his seat at the table.

  “Sorry,” Ben apologized, looking sheepishly at his twin.

  “S’okay,” Mikey muttered and gulped down his hot chocolate.

  Tilly and Beth exchanged looks. Neither was sure where to go from here. Beth was quite sure the boys were only doing this for her benefit, as a show of support. Surely they couldn’t hate their father that much? She was definitely taking them to a counselor in the morning.

  “Um, do you want to talk about his some more?” Beth offered.

  “Nope,” Jack said simply and drained his mug. “Can I go to bed now?”

  Beth was completely at a loss for words. “Sure, honey. But if you have any problems with this, you can come sleep in my bed or wake me up to talk or anything. You know…” she trailed off.

  “Do we have to go to school tomorrow?” Ben asked.

  Beth hadn’t thought that far ahead. “Ah, I guess not, if you’re not feeling up to it.”

  “Yes!” Mikey and Ben high–fived each other. Jack remained silent.

  It was probably better if they didn’t go to school and spent the day in grief counseling instead, Beth decided. She had a feeling Jack had a lot he needed to get off his chest. And she’d like to know what had provoked his vehement declaration of hatred for his father. She presumed the twins were just following their brother’s example in saying they hated their father. It would probably hit them hard in a couple of days.

  “Do we have to go and stay at Suzie’s anymore?” Mikey asked.

  “No, of course not, honey. Never again,” Beth assured him and was rewarded with a wide grin.

  Suzie! Beth hadn’t given her a thought. She guessed the Sheriff’s department had paid the little home–wrecker a visit. Beth filed Suzie away in the back of her mind. She wasn’t important. She didn’t really care about Suzie or how she was taking this. Nor JJ’s battle–ax of a mother, for that matter.

  Beth released a sigh of relief. She was rid of them all! JJ and Suzie and Victoria Harman. She never had to speak to any of them again. If it wasn’t improper to do so at this time, she’d have let out a whoop of delight.

  Beth schooled her features to look serious. “Anyone want to talk about anything?”

  Three fair heads shook in unison and then bent to finish the contents of their mugs.

  “What are you going to tell Molly?” Jack asked.

  “The same thing I told you. Do you think it will be alright with her?” Beth wanted to bite her tongue as soon as the words had left her mouth.

  “She’ll be fine,” Jack assured her. “I don’t think Molly liked him much either. He yelled at her for whining.”

  “He yelled at Molly?” Beth couldn’t help her voice rising.

  “Yeah, there’s lots of things we could tell you about him being mean to us, but I don’t want to talk about it right now. ‘Night mom,” Jack said and came around the table to kiss her.

  The twins followed suit. Beth rose to go up and tuck them into bed.

  “It’s okay, Mom. We’re big kids now,” Mikey told her and followed his brothers upstairs.

  They might think they were big kids, but they were still her babies and Beth wanted tonight of all nights to kiss them goodnight. She followed the boys up and helped each into bed. Ben stuck out his arms and hugged her tight. “Can Gabe be our father now?”

  Beth held him a little longer before answering. “I’m sure Gabe would be a wonderful dad, honey. Let’s just get ourselves through the next couple of weeks and talk about this at another time?”

  Ben seemed satisfied with her answer as he nodded and rolled over to face the wall. “’Night, Mom, I love you,” he said.

  Beth sat on the edge of his bed for several moments and stroked his hair. Gabe would make a wonderful father to her children. Pity she and he weren’t on speaking terms so she could tell him that.

  Beth made her way back downstairs to Tilly, who said, “That went better than I thought it would.”

  Beth frowned. “Strangely disquieting is how I’d describe it.”

  “At least you’re not having to deal with floods of tears.”

  “No, I guess not. That would really put a damper on the news—from my point of view at least.”

  Tilly grinned and said, “How do you really feel? Would you like me to stay the night?”

  Beth shook her head. “I feel great. As though a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders—if that doesn’t sound too clichéd. Or morbid.”

  “You mentioned something happened between you and JJ on Friday night?”

  Beth explained JJ’s visit, his willingness to give up any rights to the kids in exchange for the house deeds and his crazy explanation for needing them. “Loan sharks!” she finished. “Can you believe it?”

  “I’d believe anything of JJ. He was a total douchebag.”

  Beth laughed and said, “I should open a bottle of champagne to celebrate. Pity I don’t have any.”

  “We can celebrate another time.”

  Beth leaned forward and hugged her friend. “That’s what I love about having a friend like you, you’re so totally supportive. No–one else would understand my elation about what’s happened.”

  Tilly grinned and said, “Did the cops say what really happened?”

  Beth spent the next ten minutes filling Tilly in on everything the Sheriff’s deputy had told her about JJ’s demise. Then she told Tilly about how she’d fled to Gabe’s on Friday, the same night JJ was supposedly murdered.

  Tilly pursed her lips. “Whoa! This isn’t looking good for you, sweetie. You need to get onto Gabe and get him to provide you with an ironclad alibi.”

  “I don’t want Gabe involved in any of this!” Beth shot back with more vehemence than she intended. “This is my problem and I don’t want him involved or implicated, in any of this.”

  “But can’t you see?” Tilly implored, “If you don’t provide them with an alibi, they might try and pin this on you.”

  “That’s trash! I didn’t kill JJ—even though I’d thought about it a few times. They can’t possibly believe I’d be capable of slitting someone’s throat and pushing a car over a cliff. Could they?”

  “Unless you can produce an alibi, I wouldn’t be surprised if you weren’t their number one suspect.”

  “No!”

  “Yes. The estranged or divorced partner is always the number one suspect. Haven’t you learned anything from watching all those episodes of CSI?”

  “But… I told them about the loan shark guys who JJ claimed were after him for money he owed them. They’ll follow up on that.”

  Tilly pulled a face of skepticism. “Yeah, provided they bought that line. Did they question you on it further?”

  With a sense of alarm, Beth realized Deputy Stevens hadn’t followed up on the loan shark business. She shook her head.

  Tilly leaned towards her. “Honey, you need to get yourself a lawyer and you need an alibi for your whereabouts this past weekend.”

  Beth thought about Tilly’s words. Surely they couldn’t believe she’d killed JJ? They wouldn’t? What if they did? What would she do then?

  “Okay, I’ll get a lawyer tomorrow. Anyone you could suggest? Because I can just see Douglas Fadden making sure I get the death penalty if I use him for my legal re
presentation.” Beth grinned at Tilly, trying to make a joke of the situation.

  For once in her life, Tilly didn’t join in. That bothered Beth. “And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t say anything to Gabe right now, okay?”

  “Why not?”

  “Because things ended badly between us and we’re not on speaking terms at the moment. Probably never will be again, so the less he knows about this the better.”

  “Why did it end badly?”

  “Til, I’m really tired and I have to come to terms with a lot of stuff right now, one of them being the situation with Gabe. I’d just prefer not to complicate my life by having Gabe know all this right now, okay? Please?”

  Tilly eventually nodded her agreement, but Beth could see it was reluctant.

  Tilly stood. “Okay, I’ll find you a lawyer just in case you end up needing one. And I won’t say anything to Gabe. For now.”

  Beth had to be content with that, she supposed. She sure didn’t want Gabe drawn into this ugly mess. Hopefully by the morning, JJ’s murder would have been solved, the cops would have found the loan sharks and she could get on with her life.

  Beth decided that organizing JJ’s funeral should have been a whole lot more enjoyable.

  The arrangements had been left to her because, on hearing the news of her precious son’s death, Victoria Harman had collapsed and been taken to hospital. JJ’s father was somewhere in Europe with his latest girlfriend and still hadn’t been found. Jefferson Harman senior had left Victoria some twenty years previously after many years of philandering. And who could blame him? Beth wondered. Victoria was a bitch–cow of the first degree.

  The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, Beth mused as she crossed off the name of yet another ‘colleague’ from JJ’s address book, and determined that her own sons wouldn’t follow in either their father’s, or their grandfather’s, footsteps.

  Jefferson Senior had had a string of live–in, much younger lovers since leaving Victoria and spent his time and money traveling the world.