A God in Carver (Carver High #1)

by Haven Francis

  He lets out a long breath, shakes his head, tells me he’s sorry and then he gets in his car and tears out of the lot, leaving me there alone.

  I stand there for a minute in shock and then I start screaming obscenities and pounding my fist into my truck. I do this until I can start to feel the pain in my knuckles and then I open the door and drag my ass into the cab. I fold my body into itself and let myself cry.

  I don’t know how long I’m there, but eventually I stop. I take deep breaths until I can think again. And when I start thinking, about what Nash did, about the fact that Brandon not only lied to me about it but then stood by his lying, cheating best friend and tossed me out of his life, all my thoughts are angry. All I can see is red.

  I pull down my visor and try to clean up my face. I head around to the front of the school, park my truck and pray that Mr. Lawrence is still there working on this week’s issue of The Observer.

  I find him in the computer lab with Macy who does the layout. Before he has a chance to address me I ask him, “Is it too late to change the feature on Brandon Eastman?”

  Macy lets out an annoyed breath but Mr. Lawrence smiles at me and tells me, “We’re just making the final revisions. What are you thinking?”

  “I want to go with the original piece I submitted. I realized that I was letting my personal relationship dictate my decisions and the first story is the one that should be told.”

  He smiles even brighter. “I think that’s the right choice, Tatum. It really was a great piece of journalism. But you know we’re running this issue on Friday. You can’t change your mind again so take a minute and make sure this is what you really want to do.”

  “I don’t need a minute. I’m sure.”

  “Okay,” he tells me. “We’ll take care of it.”

  “Thanks,” I tell him before turning around and walking away.

  When I pull up to my house Nash’s truck is parked outside. I push the front door open and find him at the kitchen table with my mom eating a sandwich and drinking a beer. “Hey, babe,” he says. “I stopped by the restaurant but Corey said you left early.”

  “Get out,” I tell him.

  He and my mom both look at me with confusion on their faces. “What?” he asks me.

  “Put your fucking sandwich down and get the hell out of my house.”

  “Tatum?” Mom says with concern.

  Nash stands and walks to me. He tries to reach his arms around me but I push him off. “What’s going on?”

  “You slept with her. I hadn’t even been gone for twenty four hours and you were already sticking your dick in another girl.”

  He narrows his eyes and shakes his head emphatically. “No, Tatum. I didn’t. I already explained that to you. Presley misunderstood.”

  “Well apparently Brandon misunderstood too when he found you fucking her in the bathroom while he was on the phone with me.”

  Nash takes a step back, realization passing over his face and anger taking hold. “What the hell did he tell you?”

  “It doesn’t matter, Nash. You cheated on me. You lied to me. You are a disgusting single minded whore and I’m done with you.”

  “Tatum, please, let me explain. I thought you were gone. I thought you were never coming home. It hurt so bad. I felt like I lost you and I was hammered. I don’t know why I did that. It didn’t mean anything. It was wrong and stupid but Tatum, please, you have to understand. I thought you left me. I would never do that to you. I love you more than anything in this world.”

  “Bullshit,” I tell him, pushing at him again as he tries to wrap me in his arms. “Get out.”

  “Don’t let that one stupid mistake ruin our entire future. I can’t lose you, Tatum. Please, don’t do this to me.” I can hear the pain in his voice. His eyes are filling with tears. I believe the words he’s saying but the fact is that he slept with her.

  “Every time you’re mad at me, every time you stupidly think I’m walking away from you you’re gonna go running to that whore.”

  “God, Tatum, no. You’re it, you’re the only one I want. You’re the only thing I care about.”

  “If that were true, Nash, you wouldn’t have fucked her. Even if I had left you, if you really loved me you wouldn’t have done that. You wouldn’t have been able to put your dick in another girl after you had been with me that morning. Not if you loved me. Get out of here, Nash. I don’t want to see you again.”

  “No,” he pleads, the tears falling down his face now. “Don’t do this to us. Don’t let that one stupid decision ruin us.”

  “Don’t you dare try to blame this on me, asshole. I was prepared to give you everything, I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with you, you were a good enough reason to stay in this shit town, that’s how much I loved you. You are the one who did this to me. You are the one who has ripped my heart out of my chest and made a fool out of me.” I’m crying and screaming as reality starts to take hold. He slept with her. He cheated on me. We’re over.

  “Brandon was right, I hope your little romp was worth it, I hope she gave you the best sex of your life because you’ve lost me, Nash. I was right about you the first time. You can’t be alone, you can’t function unless you know that some skank wants you and you just can’t help but give them what their devoted, desperate, begging asses want. I hate you. I never want to see your lying face again.”

  It’s me that goes then. I turn and walk to my room, closing and locking the door behind me.

  He sits outside of it for a long time, pleading and knocking and begging. I close myself down, one piece at a time until my crying has stopped. Until his words no longer pierce my heart. Until I can begin to accept that he is no longer mine and he will never be part of my life again. Never again will there be a Tatum and Nash.

  Never again.

  25

  I’m stuck in some kind of weird fog that won’t go away. It’s been consuming my brain ever since Tatum came home and it just keeps getting denser.

  It’s an alternative universe. One where things make sense.

  One where I can somewhat ignore Tatum and pretend like all those conversations we had while she was in California weren’t a lie.

  One where smart girls see the things around them that are obvious.

  One where I can forget that I gave myself over to her completely, weather I wanted to admit it or not, and one where I thought she gave herself over to me.

  One where I didn’t imagine that when she came home we would be us again and start building that world that was ours in some shape or form.

  One where she didn’t forget about me the second she came home and no longer needed me. One where she at least called.

  One where an asshole that I used to call my best friend wasn’t texting me all weekend letting me know that he hadn’t left her bed since she came home. One where I didn’t expect that she was better than that.

  One where I wouldn’t have to keep this god awful secret from her. Or one where I could tell her because it didn’t even matter because she had moved on from him regardless.

  One where I could ignore the way I felt when she came into that field house and I saw her again. When my heart dropped out of my chest. And I wanted us back so badly that it hurt. But I knew, I knew in those moments that nothing had really changed.

  In fact, they were worse than ever.

  All week, I thought we had been planning our future, but what she had been doing was planning her future. In Carver. With him.

  I thought I had convinced her that she deserved more. But really, all I had done was convince her that the shitty life she was living was all she needed and all she deserved. She may have been ready to reclaim some of who she was, but not the part that belonged to me.

  And she looked happy. She looked so damn free and happy. Because all she wants is him. It’s all she needs to be happy.

  And as much as I fucking hated it, I couldn’t take that happiness from her.

  God damn it, I was stupid.

&n
bsp; God damn it, did I seriously fuck with my own head… fuck my own life up completely.

  And Now I’m angry and bitter. At her, at him, at myself… at everything and everyone.

  Maybe I deserve it. Maybe this is what she felt like. Maybe this is exactly what I did to her when I walked away from her the first time.

  Maybe what we had as kids was just a fantasy. Never will be real. Never was real.

  Inside of this fog I feel myself shutting down. Not caring. Not worrying. It’s a nice little break.

  That doesn’t mean that I’m unaware of the fact that I ended my relationship with Tatum. It doesn’t mean that I didn’t read that article she gave me and lose my mind as a result. It doesn’t mean that when I saw Nash comforting her, after I cut her out of my life because of him, that I didn’t want to kill him. That doesn’t mean it’s not killing me every time I have to face her and pretend that I don’t care about her.

  It also doesn’t mean that I don’t know I’m playing like shit at practices and I can feel Coach Mason’s disappointment for the first time in my life. Or that I can’t hear the hurt in Summer’s voice when she tries to cheer me out of my funk. Or that I don’t notice the anger returning to my dad’s voice.

  It also doesn’t mean that that I couldn’t hear the rage and hurt in Nash’s voice when he came to my house last night and threatened to kick my ass and when I told him to go ahead, he almost did before telling me he was done with me and walking away.

  It doesn’t mean that I don’t realize I may have made a mistake giving the verbal to Penn. That I don’t realize I did it not because I want to play for them or be with Summer but as an attempt to find a reason to stop thinking about Tatum. As a reason to stop wondering about my future with Tatum.

  It just means that I can handle it. I can live in this fog and look at my life like it’s not actually mine.

  Today the fog is heavy. I can’t manage to interact or hear.

  I couldn’t focus on anything except for the fact that Tatum looked just as lost as me.

  Nash, on the other hand, seems to be recovering fine; joking around with the guys and flirting with the ladies.

  I should have chosen Tatum this time. I should have been loyal to Tatum, I knew that. I should have known that keeping Nash’s secret wasn’t going to protect her from the truth.

  But it’s too late now. None of us has managed to hold onto each other. Anything the three of us ever shared is gone.

  “Are you mad at me for telling her?” Summer asks me for at least the tenth time as we sit in my car after football practice.

  “No. She deserves to know and I didn’t have the balls to tell her.”

  “I just feel so bad. She looked so dejected all day long. Do you think I made a mistake? I mean, maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut and let them carry on living their happy life together.”

  “Did you see Nash today? She deserves more than him.”

  “Brandon, you know Nash. Just because he was able to act like he was okay, you know he wasn’t. That’s just what he does, but he’s in love with her.”

  “Please don’t defend that asshole,” I hiss.

  “Brandon…” she says, disappointed like she’s been with me all week.

  “What, Summer? You want me to keep pretending like he’s a good guy? Like everything he does is okay because that’s just who Nash is? It’s not okay, it never was. He’s selfish and he always has been. I’ve never met a bigger asshole than Nash Carter.”

  “You don’t mean that,” she insists.

  “I do.”

  “You can work things out with him. With both of them.”

  “Trust me, Summer, I don’t want to.”

  “You can’t just let all those years of friendship mean nothing.”

  I shake my head and run my fingers through my hair out of frustration. She has to stop with the bullshit. “I don’t know why I always have to be the responsible one, the one that has to clean up all his messes, the one that has to care.”

  “Because you’re good, Brandon.”

  “And where does that get me?”

  “What do you mean? You have everything.”

  I turn to her, and she retracts slightly at the fire I can feel burning in my eyes. “What is everything, Summer? A nice car? A big house? A good arm? A good reputation? A good girlfriend?”

  “Yes,” she says sounding hurt.

  “You are the only good thing I have,” I tell her, managing to realize that I shouldn’t have included her on that list. “Everything else is just bullshit that I don’t care about.”

  We sit in silence. I turn my attention back to the nothingness outside the front window. And then I hear the quiet sniffle of her crying. Shit.

  I turn to her and reach across the center council and wrap her up in my arms, kissing the top of her head. I’m not sure why she’s crying so I don’t know what to say. She holds onto me and continues to cry into my t-shirt.

  When she’s done she sits back and looks at me. “I don’t like to see you like this, Brandon. I feel like I don’t even know you lately.”

  “I’m sorry,” I tell her lamely.

  “What are you sorry for?” she asks, cocking her head at me.

  “I’m sorry that I’m in a shit mood and that I can’t get out of it.”

  “Why did you shut Tatum out of your life this week?” she asks out of left field.

  “I just told you why. I couldn’t stand looking at her knowing that I was keeping what Nash did from her.”

  “The two of you became really close while you were staying with Nash. I think she spent more time with you than I did.”

  “She was at Nash’s a lot,” I say, not sure what she’s getting at.

  “You were really happy that week.”

  “I was out of my house, away from my dad. Of course I was happy.”

  “I don’t think that’s why. Last week too, when she would call you from L.A. your face would light up.”

  “Where are you going with this, Summer?”

  “I was watching the two of you today – you and Nash. Out of the two of you, you looked like the heartbroken one.”

  “Well yeah, Nash doesn’t have a fucking heart. I actually care that he ended our friendship.”

  “You’ve been acting this way since Tuesday. Since you made the decision to walk out of Tatum’s life.”

  “Again… I have feelings. It wasn’t easy to do that.”

  “I think you did it because you can’t stand the fact that he’s the one who got her. I think you’ve been in love with her your whole life. I don’t think you’ve ever gotten over the fact that she chose him over you.”

  I look at her, shocked that those ideas would even spring up in her overly positive mind. “Please tell me you’re joking right now.”

  She gives me a sad smile. “It’s okay, Brandon. You can’t help the way you feel about her. And I can’t help that I’ll never compare to her.”

  “What the hell are you talking about, Summer?” I ask as my fog begins to dissipate and the panic in my body lets me know I have to start living so I can take charge of my life again. “I love you. I don’t love her like I love you. She’s my friend, you’re my… everything.”

  A tear falls down her cheek as she shakes her head at me. “You have no idea how hard it is for me to say this, but I can’t stand seeing you like this. I want you to be happy even if I’m not the one who can make you happy. If she can, I want you to have a shot at it. At happiness. I want to see you smile again.”

  I shake my head at her, my hands grasp onto hers. “You think breaking up with me is gonna make me smile? You think I’m going to go running into the arms of Tatum?”

  “I know you don’t want to admit it to yourself, Brandon. But I see the change in you when you’re with her and I see the same thing in her. I’m not saying you want to break up with me. I don’t think you do. I just think that maybe if you have some time away from me you’ll be able to see clearer and if I’m who you
really want, I’ll be here.”

  “Summer, this is insane. Where the hell is this coming from?”

  “Just think about it. Please,” she says, cradling my face in her hands and looking into my eyes that I assume are a mirror image of hers: crying and full of pain.

  “If this is what you’re really doing – walking away from me after I already lost the two of them- the day before the biggest game of the season, then I’m not going to stop you. But I can’t live without you, Summer. If you think I’m having issues now, what do you think’s gonna happen to me if you walk away?”

  “I’m not walking away from you. I just want you to be happy and I want you to consider that maybe I’m not the girl who can make you happy.”

  My fingers tighten around the base of her head as I pull her to me. “I love you, Summer. You’re the only girl for me.” I stare into her eyes until I see them soften. Until I see the fight leave her. I pull her lips to mine and I can feel the desperation in them. The way they are tugging on her, begging her to understand that I’m fighting.

  I’m fighting everything inside of me in order to try to be the guy I once was. The guys she deserves.

  When she begins to kiss me back I exhale a breath into her mouth and I promise myself that I will move on. That I will re-focus, get my life back on track and find the guy I was before Tatum came back into my life.

  The guy who had found a way to let Tatum go and was able to fall in love with Summer.

  26

  I woke up this morning with a terrible feeling in my gut. I was up half the night thinking about the words that Summer spoke to me and trying to dissect the gigantic knot of feelings that I have for Tatum, that I’ve had for her since we were kids.

  I’ve felt just about every emotion that there is for that girl at some point or another in my life. I’ve felt more for her than I’ve ever felt for anyone. Even Summer. I don’t know what that means.

  Just because I’ve never hated Summer, been angry and frustrated and confused and an emotional wreck over her, does that mean I care about Tatum more than her? I’m pretty sure it just means that Summer’s never been anything but good to me. That she’s never hurt me. Is that a problem? Does loving someone require feeling the most severe emotion you’ve ever felt even if that emotion isn’t love? I don’t think so. There’s no doubt that I love Tatum, but I don’t love her like I love Summer. I’m pretty damn sure.