THE IMPERIAL ENGINEER

by Judith B. Glad

  "Why do you think Katie told you not to invite me?" He hadn't been surprised when Luke admitted that he'd gone against Katie's advice when inviting Tony. He'd felt more guilty than anything, being the cause of a rift in the families.

  "Women! I'll never understand them." Luke held up the whiskey bottle. "I reckon you could stand some of this."

  "Thanks." Tony accepted the heavy glass, sipped. "It's good to be here. I've been meaning to come over for a visit, but Eagleton keeps me busy."

  "If you fellows would get out of our way, we'd have dinner on the table a lot sooner," Regina said as she pushed between them. She set a steaming soup tureen on the table. "Lucy, call your brothers. We're almost ready."

  Lucinda had insisted on making placecards, so Tony had no choice of where to sit. He was at Katie's right, diagonally across the table and well-removed from Lulu, who sat at Luke's right. Perhaps it was just as well, because if they were anywhere close to each other, she'd either freeze up or snap at him. Either way, their personal discord would cast a pall over the entire celebration, and he didn't want that.

  But he couldn't help watching her.

  "Do you see it too? There's something different about her." Katie's voice was low. Given the noise level in the room, he doubted anyone else heard her.

  "I've been trying to figure what it is." He looked at Lulu again, trying to pin down exactly what he saw. "She's put on weight," he said slowly, "but that's not it. Her face looks..." He sought the right word. "Gaunt," he finally decided. "As if she's been ill."

  "She says she's fine, but I don't know. Something's wrong."

  "If you find out what it is, let me know. She's not likely to tell me anything."

  "Oh, Tony, I'm so sorry. I'd hoped--"

  "So had I." Not wanting her sympathy, he said, "So tell me about this new stud Luke's so proud of. He's got to be the biggest ass I've ever seen. Looks mean, too."

  "He's not friendly like Salome and Sheba, that's for sure. Luke is sure he's going to be the making of our herd, though." She laughed. "I should have known he'd take you out to the barn before he brought you inside. He's so proud of that donkey, he's like a new papa."

  "Salome and Sheba! Are they still around?" He remembered when she had first brought Luke home. It had been at Christmas, ten or twelve years ago. Luke and a couple of mules and those two asses, all thin and tired, after a long, cold journey.

  "Oh, yes. You don't think I'd ever let them go, do you? Why, they're as much a part of the family as...as you are."

  "Thank you very much. It's nice to know I'm as important as the livestock." He grinned to show he'd taken no offense.

  Katie's cheeks were pink. "Oh, pshaw, you know what I mean."

  He just wished Lulu thought he was that important.

  After dinner Lulu, Regina and Lucinda chased everyone else into the parlor. "Lucy's perfectly capable of clearing the table," Lulu told Katie. "You go on in and entertain the men. Reggie and I will take care of all this."

  "Oh, but--"

  "Git!"

  Katie got, following the men, but looking back over her shoulder. "Just let me--"

  "Ma, I can show them where everything goes," Lucinda said. "You said yourself I was as handy in the kitchen as you are."

  She was, too. The three of them had the kitchen cleaned up in less than an hour. They trooped to the parlor, to find the men sipping brandy and Katie dozing in her rocker. Melanie was curled on her lap, thumb in mouth and eyes closed.

  "Poor thing. She's getting on in years and needs her sleep," Regina said, holding a finger to her lips.

  "Not so old I can't still whomp you a good one, little sister," Katie said, without opening her eyes.

  Melanie stirred, sat up. "Presents now, Ma?"

  "That's right," Katie said, setting her down. "Presents now." She looked expectantly at her sons. "Who's Santa this year?"

  "Me," Mike said. "We drew straws and I won."

  "Can I sit by you, Aunt Lulu?"

  Pulled from her reverie, she smiled down at Melanie, who was leaning against her knees. "Of course you can, honey. Here, I'll scoot over." She made room on the chair seat for the three-year-old and wrapped an arm around her. Just then Luke and his younger son came into the room, carrying a basket of brightly wrapped packages between them.

  The rest of the evening was laughter, confusion, and shrieks of delight from the children. The last gifts came from the big crate shipped all the way from Australia. It held something for everyone, including a stuffed kangaroo for Melanie and a boomerang for Isaiah. Lulu's gift was a colorful length of cloth, hand dyed and block-printed with kangaroos and koala bears.

  "What on earth am I going to do with this?" she said, holding it up for everyone to admire.

  "Make a dress, Aunt Lulu. You'd look real pretty." Melanie held the cloth up, so it draped across Lulu's bosom. "See. Ain't she pretty?"

  Melanie fell asleep on her lap while Luke was reading "A Visit from Saint Nicholas." The warm weight of her was comforting and comfortable. She smelled of peppermint and talc. For a moment Lulu envied Katie her children.

  But only for a moment. I have a career, a cause, she told herself firmly. I wouldn't be a good mother, like Katie is. I made the right choice.

  This silly moisture in her eyes was only because she was remembering other Christmases.

  By eleven everyone was in bed. Regina was sleeping beside her, but Lulu, probably because of her long nap, found sleep out of reach. She could hear voices from the next room. Luke and Katie were probably talking over the day.

  That was the one thing she missed about living alone. In college she and her friends had always gathered before bed to talk over the events of the day. It was sometimes the only quiet spell any of them had, for their days had been full. They would sit around someone's room in their nightgowns, sipping cocoa and solving the world's problems.

  Or thinking they could.

  "You had no right to do that! I told you--"

  Lulu jumped. Katie sounded as if she were standing right next to her.

  "This is my house as much as it is yours, Katie girl. I'll invite whoever I damn please." Luke's voice was even louder than Katie's.

  They were fighting. About her.

  Lulu wanted to bury her head in the pillow.

  No, she wanted to get up and go to them, to tell them she wasn't worth fighting for.

  A door slammed nearby, then another, farther away. Oh. Lord, someone had walked out. From the heavy footsteps, it must have been Luke.

  Should she go to Katie? She started to get up, then remembered something her mother had told her, a long time ago when she'd tried to break up a fight between her brothers.

  "Let them settle it between themselves. If you interfere, they might stop fighting, but they won't straighten out whatever started the fight in the first place."

  She hadn't listened to her mamma back then, and bore a scar on her arm as a result. Micah had thrown a horseshoe at Gabe. She'd walked right into it when she stepped between them.

  So instead of going to Katie, she pulled the pillow over her head and tried to sleep.

  While she was at it, she tried to think of something besides Tony and the mess they'd made of their friendship.

  The thoughts, the fears she'd been holding at bay these last few weeks broke free of the corner of her mind to which she'd banished them. How could she deny the truth any longer?

  Tomorrow she would talk to Katie, but she really didn't need to.

  What was it Mamma always said about nothing in life being free?

  Chapter Twelve

  RAILWAY TIME TABLE

  Trains on the Wood River Branch of the Oregon Short Line arrive at and depart from Hailey by standard time, as follows:

  GOING SOUTH

  Arrives 2:50 p.m., Departs 3:00 p.m.

  GOING NORTH

  Arrives 12:20 p.m., Departs 12:30 p.m.

  Wood River News-Miner

  ~~~

  The next morning they gathered b
efore breakfast and listened to Luke read the story of the Nativity. To Lulu's amazement, he and Katie behaved as if they'd never had a disagreement in their lives. She watched them closely, saw the secret smiles they sent each other, noticed how they deliberately brushed hands in passing.

  Yet last night they were furious with each other. I wonder how--and when--they made up.

  Family tradition was that only necessary cooking was done on Christmas Day. Luke, Tony and Merlin had gone out to feed the livestock early and Isaiah and Lucy had milked, so breakfast was a late, leisurely meal. They drank coffee and munched on fruitcake, scones, and cold ham. Eventually Luke went into the parlor to read his new animal husbandry book, Merlin and Tony went for a ride, and the children scattered to play with their gifts. Lulu, Regina and Katie were left at the table.

  "A day of rest is certainly welcome," Katie said, nodding her thanks for the hot tea Regina poured into her cup. "I've been so busy getting ready for Christmas, I've hardly had a moment to myself."

  "You make me feel guilty. I kept busy up in Portland, but I was certainly not overworked. In fact, I think I caught up on all the sleep I've missed since I went to college."

  Katie reached across the table corner and caught Lulu's chin in her palm. "I thought you had a peaked look to you when you got here, and you still do. Are you sickening for something?"

  "I'm fine. I was just tired. It's been a busy year." She pulled away, wondering if she was going to be able to find privacy to talk to Katie alone.

  As if prompted, Regina yawned. "For me too. I think when Melanie goes down for her nap, I'll join her."

  "I need fresh air and exercise more than a nap," Lulu said. "How about it, Katie? Want to walk down to the river with me?" She caught the quick look Katie aimed in Tony's direction and shook her head slightly. "I'll bet it's been a while since you went for a walk simply for pleasure."

  "Oh, my, that does sound tempting. No, Lucy, you can't come along. I haven't had a chance to visit with Lulu for a long time, not just the two of us. She'll be here tomorrow. After your chores are done, you can have her all to yourself."

  The wind had died, but the sky was still leaden. "Let's go to the bench," Katie suggested. "I'm not sure I'd be able to talk and push through snowdrifts, all at once."

  The bench where Lulu had sat in October was all but buried. Rather than try to remove the crusted snow, they perched atop the mound and wrapped their skirts around their ankles. "Luke says he's sorry if he upset you," Katie said after they'd sat in silence for a few minutes. "He's not sorry he invited Tony, though. Christmas is a time for the whole family to come together, no matter how many feuds are going on."

  "I wasn't upset," Lulu said, "so much as surprised. If I'd had a chance to prepare, I'd have been fine. But you'd said he wasn't coming, so..." She shrugged. "Luke's right. Our disagreement shouldn't ruin the holiday for anyone. I got to thinking last night of how I'd feel if you hadn't invited me for Christmas. I would've hated it."

  "I'm glad you understand. I'll tell Luke you aren't mad at him."

  They sat and watched the water for a while, neither inclined to speech. The river was frozen almost all the way across, except where a deep channel kept the water running fast and a little rough. "It's never had so much ice on it," Katie said, at last. "This is the coldest winter since we settled here."

  "It's that volcano, the paper said. Dust in the air or something."

  Again a comfortable silence. At least Katie appeared comfortable. Lulu wasn't. She was trying to gather her courage. "Katie?"

  "Hmmm?"

  "How did you know when you were pregnant?"

  "I--" Mouth gaping, she stared at Lulu. "Do you think--"

  "I'm pretty sure I am. But I'd sure like a second opinion."

  "Have you been sick? Are your breasts larger, and sore? Are you...of course. You've been sleepy for three months, haven't you?" She pulled Lulu into a tight hug. "That's wonderful! I'll bet you're..."

  As if realizing that Lulu sat stiff and unbending in her embrace, Katie released her. "You're not excited, are you? It's the last thing in the world you want, isn't it?"

  "Uh-huh. I kept hoping it was just a false alarm. My cycle hasn't ever been regular, and so I didn't give it a thought that I'd missed a month. But two...I've never missed two in a row." She did her best to contain the tears that clogged her throat. Failed. "Oh, Katie, it's been three months, and I don't know what to do," she wailed.

  Katie gathered her in, patted her back sympathetically. "I don't reckon there's much of anything you can do. Does Tony know?"

  "No," Lulu sobbed against her shoulder, "and I don't want you to tell him. Promise?"

  "Lulu, he has a right to know. The baby's his, too." She paused and Lulu felt her stiffen. "It is his, isn't it?"

  "Yes, it's his. And I'll tell him. I really will."

  "Then I'll stay out of it. Now, when were you planning to see a doctor?"

  * * * *

  They could hear the children laughing as they approached the house. In no mood for play, Lulu ducked into the side door to the barn, intending to cut through and enter the house unseen, through the front door. Until she thought about what to say to Tony, she didn't want to see or speak to anyone.

  The interior of the barn was dark and shadowy. Perhaps that was why she didn't see him at first. When she did, she ducked into a stall, for he was the last person she wanted to encounter right now. She crouched there, waiting for him to pass her hiding place.

  Why wasn't he coming closer? What was he doing? Lulu peeked over the top of the stall.

  Tony was still where she'd first seen him, not quite facing her. Now that her eyes were more accustomed to the dimness, she could see his bare chest, the loose white britches that draped from his slim hips in graceful folds. His bare feet were widespread, his arms held slightly out from his sides. So still did he stand that he might have been a statue fashioned out of gold and ivory, rather than a living man, warm and vital.

  Lulu shivered, for the interior of the barn was little warmer than outside. She pulled her coat more tightly about herself as she ducked down, out of his sight. But a picture of him remained in her mind, as if he stood there before her.

  Her hands remembered the smooth power of his arms, the solid strength of his chest. Even though she couldn't see his legs, she knew how the long, graceful sinews would shape and define themselves as he shifted and moved. She closed her eyes, but couldn't banish the sight of him.

  Could she escape back the way she'd come? No, for she'd have to step out into the central aisle of the barn, and he'd see her. Just as he must have seen her when she came in. So why am I hiding? He knows I'm here.

  She peeked over the top of the stall again. He still stood in the same position. Lulu opened her mouth to say something, then closed it as he raised his arms slowly and brought the tips of his fingers together to form a great circle in front of his torso, then lowered his hands to his sides. He stood, unmoving, for almost a minute, then raised his arms in front of him. How can he move so slowly?

  After another long period of complete stillness, he shifted and began an uncanny sequence of motions, almost like a dance. He moved faster now, knees deeply bent, arms constantly in motion, feet planted deliberately. Nearer and nearer to her he came, until she could see that his eyes were unfocused, his face blank. What in the world?

  He turned, to begin a new sequence of graceful motions. Now his back was to her as he flowed back toward where he'd started. Lulu watched, fascinated, with no more thought of concealing herself. Each controlled movement showed the power of his body, yet at no time did he appear to be doing anything more than dancing to a silent melody.

  She didn't know how long she watched him. When he finally stopped moving and turned to face her, she was chilled through. She shivered as they stared at each other, knowing that now, this moment, was when she should tell him.

  Then he bowed to her, a formal, polite bow, and turned away. As he walked to the barn door, she found h
erself unable to move. There had been no friendliness in his somber gaze, no smile on his face. She might have been a total stranger.

  He opened the door and walked through it into the snow-covered barnyard, shoeless, shirtless. For a moment his figure was caught in the bright square of white light, shining and dreamlike, then the door swung shut and she was once again trapped in darkness.

  That evening the men played poker. She never found an opportunity to talk to Tony.

  * * * *

  Tony left the day after Christmas. Luke urged him to stay until the weather moderated, but he pled a need to get back to work.

  The children believed him. The adults didn't. They all knew that he'd gone away because he couldn't bear to be in the same room as Lulu.

  She should have felt guilty. Instead, all she could feel was scared. Now how could she tell him? When would she tell him?

  Confused, scared, and undecided, Lulu found that her usual clear thought processes were muddled and confused. The last thing in the world she wanted was to marry, to have children. But still...

  Oh, God, what possessed me to be so careless? That question repeated itself over and over in her mind, until she could hardly think of anything else. In a way she was grateful for the continued bad weather, because just getting to Boise took all her concentration. The fifteen-mile journey took them most of the day; the roads were all but drifted shut in places. Fortunately there was enough traffic that the larger drifts had been broached, else they might have had to turn back.

  When they reached the big house on the east edge of Boise, Merlin bid them goodbye. "I smell more snow," he said. "Time to git for home, before I get stuck here." He kissed his sister, then hugged Lulu. "You and Tony need to settle your differences," he muttered as he held her close. "A couple of lovesick fools, if you ask me."

  "I didn't," she retorted, "but you're right and we will. Soon."

  As she and Regina stood in the drive, waving him on his way, she wondered when 'soon' would be.

  * * * *

  Regina returned to school the second day of January. Mrs. Petrie only came in once a week to clean. Abel, the hired man, had his own little cottage behind the barn, so Lulu had the house mostly to herself.