Forgive Me

by Melanie Walker

  Us being girls all fawn over the sweetness of America’s bad-boy turned sweetheart.

  “Welcome to the end baby-girl.” Cal says with a wink and hugs her closely laughing at his joke on marriage being the end. He hugs us all and stops at Tayla, who looks so fucking gorgeous it is clear Cal Dorian knows it. “Ill see you at the isle?” He asks in what I can only assume is a lust filled tone… what the?

  She nods and rolls her eyes, a deep sadness in them that she doesn’t even try to hide.

  OMG!!!! It hits me and I hate that I cant badger her for the goods right this second… but oh she is so not safe either.

  My man is next and I gasp at Shame in his tux and chucks, with a black orchid on his lapel surrounded in pink ribbon. As all the guys are dressed, he is in all black with a bright pink tie and I am so in love, my stomach flutters at the thought that this will be us one day soon. He winks at me and walks to Carrie, fully aware that the wink he gave me made me hot as the sun.

  “From Chad to you gorgeous thing.” He says and hands her another box. This one is square and flat as a sheet of paper. She reads the card aloud again.

  “Something blue my love.” She lifts the envelope and gasps at the sight before looking to Shame for answers. “Noah did it last night and finished this morning.”

  She holds the picture up of Chads back, his version of Oz and the emerald city is clear but it’s the fresh new ink at the small of his spine that we all notice. It is a portrait of Carrie holding Noelle for the first time in various shades of blue ink. It is amazing how talented these guys are with a tattoo machine. It looks like a black and white photo that is aged.

  At this I cry, for various reasons and for obvious ones. But mostly because it is true love and now it’s on his skin forever. Shamus see’s me wiping tears from my eyes and knows I am happy but that it is and will always be a longing cry.

  Carrie turns the photo over and chokes up completely handing it to Shamus who reads it and I see his eyes glisten. “Carrie girl. You gave me the gift of a poem on your back, a gift I cherish, a gift that gave us Noelle. That gift is love baby, you loving me and I can only repay that love by showing you mine in my way, and that is you and my sweet baby girl. Your love for me is on your back, in the simplest place, and so now mine is to.”

  We all cry at this and I feel bad because when it comes to romance, well, Chad is untouchable.

  Shame kisses me on the cheek, then the neck, then holds me close because he knows it is all I need. When he stops at Tay and hugs her, I hear him ask if she and Cal are okay and I swear to nut him later because he obviously knows way more than I do and has for sometime.

  My brother enters and go’s to Roni first who hands him something none of us knew she even had. A clue I guess that this is small in size, but either it is borrowed or new because of course we do things backwards most of the time. I’m guessing though that whatever Noah is bringing her it is why the saying is coming in out of order.

  But then I gasp when she kisses him on the cheek because I know what it is. Mike walks to Carrie and hugs her tight before handing her the card first.

  “I’m giving this one to Mike to explain, but it’s borrowed baby.” She reads and smiles looking to Mike.

  “The day I married Roni, Chad was the one to bring her this from me. It isn’t extravagant, and it’s a whole lot cheesy but it was us and what it means to us, is no different than what you mean to him.”

  Mike hands Carrie the sweet silver bracelet with a small silver heart charm that hangs by the clasp that he bought for Roni on the day of their wedding. “I told her she always had my heart dangling from her hands and so it was fitting.” Mike says and shrugs shyly as he clasps it around her wrist.

  We all know who is coming in next and you can see Carrie is past the point of emotional breakdowns because Chad like always has one upped her.

  It is a rarity that we leave in a private moment because we are family and we are loud and nosy, and so none of us are willing to leave when there is a chance at seeing Noah soft without Noelle in the mix. And it is Noah who walks in with his hands in his pockets, his hair perfectly disheveled and a look on his face that is all pride and a large amount of sadness.

  He makes his way to Carrie, his gait the swagger that says it all about him. Noah is all control all the time and he makes no excuses for it here. He commands the room even when he is silent, it’s a simple look he gives that says he knows more about everything than you ever will.

  “Sissy, you look like you got some place to be.” He says and smiles. Carrie lets her tears fall now.

  “Yeah.” She sniffles and hugs her big brother and her very best friend. “I gotta hurry.”

  Noah sighs and holds her close rocking her in a way we all rock Noelle and sway side to side. “Always in a hurry to grow up… lets chill for a second and play a game yeah?” He asks and she cries burying her head in his neck.

  “Today,” he says and his voice cracks so we all know that he is hurting letting her go. “Today this world is new and it is one that we have never done before.”

  He pulls back and looks at her, his own eyes glistening with tears and rimmed in red as he does his thing, builds a world in a safe place against all the twisted shit in this world. “You are here, happy. Happier than I have ever seen you. You are dressed like a model and so fucking pretty that I’ll want to gut Chad for what I can guarantee the pervert will be thinking when he see’s you.”

  I smile as does Carrie, at Noah’s words. “In this world we are never what we were, victims of hate. This is a new world Sissy, where we are loved and cherished and taken care of. It’s because of this world I can give you away today, to a pervert, but one that loves you like he loves life. You are his life. You are the music in his soul and the one thing he needs to be complete.”

  He stands back and lets out a low whistle through his teeth as he walks around her until he comes full circle and smiles. “I love you so much sissy. You are by far the one thing that kept me going for twenty-six years. I fought for you, cried for you and I take pride in the woman you are because I helped you become this woman. You are all heart Carrie and it gets you hurt from time to time but it’s just who you are and I am honored to have been the man in your life for the last twenty two years, and sad to know that you have grown up.

  “We were in such ugly things when we were kids and it followed us for years, but through it all you were the one constant thing that made me happy. Now you make me an uncle, marry one of the brothers I have claimed and accepted me for all the ugly I have and loved me regardless. Seeing you smile and shine I think I did right by you sissy.”

  How he can say all of this and not let a single tear fall, even though we all see them swimming in his eyes and catching in his voice he is stoic and strong like always.

  “If I were a song right this second it would be,” he pauses and looks at the room of people watching him spill his soul to his sister. “It would be sweet child of mine.” He leans in and kisses her cheeks. “I love you Carrie. Trust me yeah, you’re going to be happy forever.”

  “You made my life the best life Noah.” Carrie says, holding her big brother so tight as she cries tears of happiness and blessing. “You made it the safest place you could and saved me from a cynical outlook. You brought me Chad even though you fought me tooth and nail, and Candey by forcing me to get an education… and everyone in this room because they loved you so much and with you I am a packaged deal. You brought us family Noah and I would never be here without you.”

  They hug one another a little longer before Noah steps back and gives a single swipe under his left eye, but does it so fast I may have been the only one to catch it. “Fuck this is heavy and we don’t do heavy.” He says and motions between his chest and Carrie. “Your something new is this new world. Own it sissy yeah?”

  She nods and turns to look in the mirror checking her makeup. All of us are looking in the mirror now too as we check our makeup. Shamus, and Cal are looking at the ce
iling or the door or anywhere they can hide from the emotion that is seriously strong in this room.

  “Know what song I am?” Carrie says as she turns around and grabs her bouquet.

  “Give it.” Noah states with a smile.

  “Party rockin’ in the house tonight.” She says and smiles making her way to her soon to be husband.

  I hope you find what you're lookin for when it all comes runnin' down

  I hope you find it painted black on your window, or the lips of your lover's frown

  Cuz if it dies in cold, when the clouds start to roll.

  Is it then that your soul, starts to bleed?

  Joshua James

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  I looked around the glitter and glam of the hall and couldn’t believe they pulled it off without a single paparazzi getting wind of the nuptials until after the end of the ceremony. Chad and Carrie had come so far and I felt like the biggest dick for completely ignoring the ceremony because my eyes were on my girl, who was snuggled in close to me as we danced to Lifehouse’s You and Me.

  Out of the corner of my eye, lost in thought of the lyrics I figured maybe I was seeing it wrong, but as I paused and focused I saw exactly what I thought. Hidden from the rest of the room and only visible to me from the angle I had through lit trees and candles and shit, was Noah Beckett on his knee with Candey’s hand in his. Her look of shock and complete happiness told me exactly what I was seeing. Fucking dick kept stealing my thunder. First with the toast then interrupting my dance with Sass so I could totally spy on them. Fucker proposed. I knew it with everything in me. I watched as Candey’s eyes glossed with shiny tears and a simple nod of ‘yes’ brought the biggest smile I have ever seen on Noah. For once that brooding bastard was happy. Truly fucking happy.

  He jumped up from his perch before her and cupped his hand behind her neck and brought her mouth to his. His free hand still clasping her left hand as he kissed her. I would be a pussy if I admitted I had tears in my eyes from the scene… or a liar for saying I didn’t. I accept the chick card on this though. I have known the guy for years and the undertone of complete wreckage he wore like a skin was gone in that precious second with Candey. If it was possible I loved her more than I ever thought I would because of the look she just put on my boys face.

  Today had wrecked Noah. He gave Carrie away to his best friend who was famous literally for causing mass orgasms with just a smile the prick. For any father to pass his daughter on to the man who she chooses is a feat, I can only imagine. Noah though, his situation was deeper and harder because of all he and Carrie dealt with. Seeing the sadness and worry earlier as well as a very rare show of emotion in front of hundreds as he toasted the couple… this was awesome.

  “What are you so intrigued by?” Sass asked me and pulled me from the private moment I witnessed and swore I would take to the grave. Knowing that they simply looked like a couple in love I nodded toward them and spun Cass in my arms.

  “The smile she puts on Noah is priceless.” I say and mean those words even if I sound like a girl.

  The tears in Sass’s eyes told me without words that she saw it too. I felt like Mikey for a minute and wanted to tell her what I saw, but seeing how Candey would nut me for spilling the beans…well I liked my nuts where they were.

  “I feel that happy.” She says and kisses my neck canceling out every person in the hall with the simple kiss. I was ready to leave and show her how much I loved her.

  “I thank heaven and hell both that your in my arms now babe.” I say and taste the bitter edge for the hell she was in waiting on me, even though I know we wouldn’t be here without it. When your life hangs in the balance it’s easier to forgive….or so she tells me. I would have taken that pain for her every minute of every day even if it meant she was never mine again. It would be my sacrifice and my cross to bare if only I could. Like usual she takes my dark thoughts away with a simple desperate request. “Take me home Shame.”

  Hell fuckin yeah.

  *

  Shamus

  Hours have passed and I am spent and splayed across Shames chest sleeping sound when the phone starts ringing ‘Gun Powder and Lead’ by Miranda Lambert and I know it’s Carrie and I am on alarm because it’s her wedding night and two in the morning. There is no reason to be calling me other than bad news.

  “Hello?” I say and try whispering even though the ring woke Shame and he was now flipping on a light as I sit up and rub my eyes. My heart sinks when I hear Chad’s voice on the line and the sadness in his voice is impossible to not hear.

  “Hey pretty girl. Shame there?” He asks and I can hear the tears falling I swear to God. I don’t ask why he is calling my phone and not Shames. I ask nothing as I hand the phone over. I rise from the bed and start searching for a T shirt when I hear Shame say hello.

  “What the fuck you calling Cassa’s phone this early in the morning on your wedding night?” He asks and looks at me with a smirk that fades to anguish in a split second before he jack-knifes off the bed with a loud “What?”

  I am in a full body cringe and completely lost and worried for every person I know right now. Shame has tears in his eyes and starts asking Chad questions in rapid speed as we both frantically search for clothes.

  “What hospital are they at?”

  I now feel the tears break free when I hear him ask and I wonder with complete horror who ‘they’ are.

  “We are on our way.” He says and tosses my phone on the bed and grabs my hand. He threw on a pair of tattered camo shorts brown flip flops and an old Slave to the Needle hoodie. I grab some flip flops out of the closet and yank the first hoodie I see off the hanger as he tugs me toward the front door.

  I try stopping but he is in panic mode and doesn’t hear my protests. “Shamus god dammit stop!”

  He turns and I see his red rimmed eyes and yank my hand from his and step back. “What happened and to who?” I ask and I am not moving until he tells me. He is visibly upset and I wont let him drive in such a state.

  He looks at me but its like the words have frozen in his mouth but his mind is forcing the thoughts anyway because I watch as tears spill over. “Shamus please baby your scaring me.” I cry and curl myself against him hoping to comfort him in an obvious loss that has put him in shock. “Please baby talk to me.”

  When he finds his voice and the words spill out I am not prepared. “Noah and Candey were in a wreck leaving the reception tonight. Candey …” He pauses and I know. I fucking know. “Candey didn’t make it baby.”

  I feel my heart stop at the words, the filthy words that tell me my old roomy, my crazy cornball wild fire friend is gone. Gone. And I cant breathe until my brain flickers the image of her and Noah at the reception. “Noah?” I gasp his name like a question.

  “In surgery baby. We gotta go.” He grabs keys off the counter and keeps me tucked into his chest as we make our way to the car.

  Maybe in another life

  I could find you there

  Pulled away before your time

  I can't deal it's so unfair

  And it feels

  And it feels like

  Heaven's so far away

  And it feels

  Yeah it feels like

  The world has grown cold

  Now that you've gone away

  The Offspring

  Chapter Twenty Eight

  Shamus

  We get to the hospital and I keep my fingers entwined in Cassa’s as I storm past the reception desk and straight to the double doors and wait to be allowed through. The nurse is watching me and I am not in the mood to play sexy rock star right now. She makes her way to the small window by the doors and asks if she can help me.

  I laugh darkly, “Yeah. Look we both know why I am here and I would prefer to not have a scene. I…” My words fail as she nods and I hear the click indicating the magnetic lock has released. I am so grateful she didn’t force me to say my name and who I was there to see or god forbid she was cluele
ss and I had to replay that fucking bullshit call because it was on replay in my mind. I look to her before taking a deep breath. “Thank fuck you have a soul.”

  “Of course and know my prayers are with him.” She says with glassy eyes and I take a second to remind myself how bad ass our fans are. Times like this it helps having them.

  I nod in appreciation but don’t say what I know is true and that is that Noah is beyond prayer the minute he finds out his fiancé is dead…if he doesn’t know already.

  I make it to the next nurses station where I see Chad and Carrie who is in hysterics. Chad is getting loud with two paramedics and a nurse. I pick up my speed and pull Sass closer but once we are withing reaching distance of them she breaks free and rushes to Carrie who cries harder at seeing her and it breaks my heart.

  I take a protective stance in front of Chad who has both hands in a white knuckle fist. I look to the paramedics and the nurse and give a simple “back the fuck off.” I turn and press my hands against his chest to get him to take a few steps back. “Calm. Bro Noah needs calm right now and he needs it because Carrie is freaked the fuck out. Turn. Walk away. I got this.”

  I left no room for argument even though he stared them down as he backed up. Once the sound of Carrie talking through her tears to Cass he snapped out of it and turned and walked toward them, taking both in his arms and letting them cry.

  “My name is Shamus James.” I say and look to the paramedics and nurse. My voice is hollow and empty and I'm digging deep for the strength to ask what I need to ask. “I'm guessing we are waiting on Noah’s status?”

  “Are you family?” The nurse asks. Before I can respond with a simple white lie of yes I hear Carrie enraged she is screaming through her tears. “I am all the blood he has god dammit. He is family by bone and I give permission for you to open your fucking trap and tell someone if my brother is alive!”

  Chad literally lifts her off the ground and walks farther away as she screams pleas for them to give us anything and I no longer care about keeping it together. Carrie has Chad and Noelle so I know she will get through, but if she loses Noah she will forever be broken… its how they are built. Its also why Noah has to be okay because they are built for survival.