Tranquility's Grief

by Krista D. Ball

  Amber winced as Kiner’s thoughts pushed through her mental defenses. She chastised herself for dropping her mind’s barriers, even for a moment. As a Rygent blessed with the most potent Power, the ability to hear and experience the thoughts of others, she needed to be constantly vigilant against violating their privacy. The violation of private thoughts was a serious breach of her Power. At home, it was even a crime.

  But Amber was a long, long way from home.

  It was difficult being here, now living on the false edge of war. Survival-mode emotions were raw and always near the surface since the attack. These elves and humans had so much rage and despair, grief and impotent frustration; they could not go after the people who destroyed their home. So they lingered and stewed, never able to control their own thoughts.

  She did not blame them for making her world cluttered and noisy with the random stray bits of thought and emotions they projected. Most did not realize she was a mind reader, even if the white, swirling birthmark that covered one of her dark forearms announced it. They simply saw the marks identifying her as Rygent. They didn’t bother to ask what kind since they so frequently saw her with the healers. Mind readers were so rare, in any case. Or more accurately, they so rarely identified themselves while in the presence of others.

  Or, perhaps even more accurately, rarely were mind readers in the presence of others.

  They’d just assumed she was a healer. She wasn’t, but she let them think it. She merely knew enough about plants and anatomy to help people live long enough to see a true healer. Maybe it was better this way. No one was afraid of her here.

  “Arrago isn’t here,” Amber said. She watched Bethany wander off, kicking stones and debris out of her way. “And that isn’t about Arrago.”

  Erem began to speak, but was interrupted by Jovan. Jovan stormed from Allric’s stable area, a flurry of curses and something about venereal disease and anal itching. He stopped and looked in her direction. Amber froze and felt her cheeks flush.

  “Amber,” Jovan said through clenched teeth, “this isn’t a good time.”

  “Allric asked to see me,” she answered. “Is everything all right?”

  Kiner shot her a warning glance, shaking his head.

  “Goddess forsaken morons. All of them.” Erem mumbled to himself.

  “No,” Jovan replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Everything is not all right. Wait until the ass leaves at least. No sense you getting dragged into this.” With that, the Lord Protector of the Silver Knights trudged off, cursing in both trader common and elvish, his sword scabbard slapping the side of his leg as he walked.

  Both boys – Amber always saw Kiner and Jovan as boys even if they were both over a hundred and she merely nineteen – were closer than family with Bethany. Yet, in the last few months, Amber had also grown close to the Lady Champion, as well as Allric. They allowed her access to their private moments more than most. There was a bond between them. Bethany had rescued her from a recapture attempt from Sarissa. Bethany had risked her entire career to bring Amber to a midwife after...

  Amber shuddered and pushed those memories back into the abyss where they belonged. She was alive. She was healthy. The present was full of life and possibility, even if things were bleak for now.

  She smiled at Kiner, who gave her a questioning look. She shook her head. Men had no use for a woman’s musings.

  The High Priest and Priestess left with a stranger, a moderately tall elf with short-cropped hair. His gleaming ceremonial armor announced he’d arrived from elsewhere and had not seen any fighting lately, or perhaps ever. She examined Kiner’s mishmash of leather, mail, and plate, along with Erem’s full set of mail, dull. This one was from away. Reinforcements, perhaps? That would be a welcomed sight.

  She waited another moment before saying, “I’ll go in now.”

  “It really isn’t the best time for a visit,” Kiner said, his dark eyes bleak.

  She smiled at him, her tone friendly but firm. “I promised Allric yesterday I’d come. He’s expecting me.”

  “You know best,” Erem said with a shrug. “If he starts throwing things, come get us.”

  Amber blinked at that. “Allric? Throw things?”

  “Well,” Erem amended, “all right, he wouldn’t actually throw things, but he might threaten to.”

  “I’ll be careful,” she said with mirth in her voice. “Perhaps he needs a woman’s touch to make it all better?”

  Erem snorted, but Kiner looked horrified. He shook his head and said, “Amber, be careful with what you say. Someone could overhear.”

  She heard the warning in his voice. “What’s going on?”

  Kiner licked his dark lips. “Trouble.” He tipped his head towards the blanket. “Go on.”

  Amber slipped under the horse blanket, her nerves twisting her insides. What was going on to make Kiner give her a warning? Allric would never hurt her. The paranoia over someone listening. To what? All she said was he needed a woman’s touch. Whatever the issue, she’d never need to be careful around him.

  Her eyes adjusted to the dingy light of the study and her gaze fell upon the crouching form of Allric. Her heart’s beat sped up as she watched the large elf rummage through a trunk.

  “Stupid marriage,” he muttered.

  Marriage! I have a war to run. Won’t let me run it. Cowards.

  “Stupid council.” He spat the words.

  Amber struggled but could not separate the internal and external voices of Allric. His thoughts invaded her mind’s barrier at will, bombarding her with anger, frustration, and regret. They were honest and conflicted, just like him. They made him appear stronger, more real. More of a man.

  It didn’t hurt that he was also the most handsome male she’d ever met.

  Amber pushed that thought from her mind.

  What an idiot. What was he thinking? And Bethany? Spitting on him. He’s lucky she was so drunk or else she’d have broken his jaw.

  Come on, where is that book?

  Amber closed her eyes and fortified her mind until only her own thoughts remained. She struggled, but managed to block out the majority of his jumbled, raced thoughts. She needed to respect his privacy. The internal dialogue made no sense, as most thoughts didn’t. Today they seemed particularly disjointed.

  She cleared her throat and said, “Good morning, Allric.”

  He dropped the trunk lid on his hand and spat a word in a language she didn’t understand. Then, he looked over his shoulder and a wide grin painted over his exhausted, bearded face. She averted her eyes to focus on the trunk he knelt beside.

  Too many memories lay in bearded men.

  Horror filled Allric’s expression as his shoulders slumped. “I asked you to join me for breakfast.” He ran his hand through his light brown hair. “I forgot.”

  She gave him a sweet smile. “If you are too busy, we can share a meal later. Perhaps supper?”

  Allric shook his head and stood. He motioned for her to sit in the vacant chair and he pulled his own chair from behind his desk and placed it near her. Letting out a weary sigh, Allric collapsed into the chair, the wooden joints creaking.

  “I saw a stranger leave with Father Torius and Mother Aneese.”

  He grunted. She waited for a reply, but none came. Allric’s lips moved, but no words uttered.

  Amber narrowed her eyes at him. “What is it?”

  Several moments passed without him answering. Then, he leaned his elbow on the chair’s arm and rubbed his missing ear tip.

  Her heart picked up speed. What was so bad to have them all on edge?

  “Allric,” she said, her voice panicked, “what has happened?”

  He leaned forward and placed his large hand, palm up, on her knee. She slipped hers into it and his fingers engulfed hers. Chills gripped her. Allric had never touched her before, not like this. Her stomach quailed.

  “You’re being sent north, aren’t you?” Her lip trembled, but she swallowed down the quaver in her voice.
Stronger, she said, “They are to march on Taftlin in winter. You’re going to war.”

  “No.” Allric laughed and it was a bitter, angry sound. She’d never heard that from him before. He squeezed her hand before releasing it. When he stood, he kicked his chair out from behind him. It hit the ground and dust puffed up around it. Allric clenched his fists and squeezed his eyes shut. Amber waited, not pushing him. She’d never seen him this angry.

  She waited.

  He picked the chair up, sat back down in it and said, “I apologize.”

  She considered reaching out and grasping his hand, but resisted. She must not push herself on him. He wanted to protect her, so she needed to let him in his own way. “I remember kicking a chair or two in your old office, talking about…” Amber gulped the lump her in throat, “what happened with Sarissa.” She gave him a smile. “It seems only fair for you to get to do it, as well.”

  His gaze met hers and she maintained it for as long as possible, until the flashes of memory of a bearded man ripping her body apart against her will flooded her vision. She stared down at her hands, waiting for it to pass. She told herself it wasn’t real and that she was safe now. Allric was not that man. Allric would never be that man.

  Her mind was not done playing tricks on with her yet, but soon it would all be a distant memory. She would be free of it and would wrap her naked body around a man freely, with her full consent. She was stronger than her enemies and her memories alike.

  She would conquer the bearded man’s memory.

  “My request to postpone my arranged marriage has been declined.”

  Amber’s heart hit the dirt floor. Bits and bits of straw scratched it and she bled inwardly.

  Married.

  “I have been dismissed as Lord Defender and have been recalled to Wyllow to wed and bed my wife. In the midst of a war, they are doing this.” Allric’s voice grew tighter, the rage boiling. His fists clenched the arms of the chair. “My ability to lead the elves into battle against Magic itself is apparently nothing next to my ability to fuck a woman I’ve met three times.”

  Amber cringed. She’d never heard Allric swear. Ever. She’d never even heard him laugh at a crude joke.

  He pressed his forehead against his palm, collected himself once more, and said, “I am so sorry, Amber. I should not be vulgar around you.”

  “Hush,” she said, leaning forward to slip her tiny hand over his huge forearm. She grasped it tightly, even if her fingers could not reach around the knotted muscle. Tears welled in her eyes, but she pushed them back. This was about Allric’s pain, not her own. “Married? Oh my.”

  He nodded gravely. “Married.”

  They remained silent for a moment, neither looking at the other. No words of affection had ever been openly expressed between them, but Amber didn’t need mere words. She was not blind to his interest. Yet, she realized she had been blind to her own. Married. Leaving. A hole as large as Allric formed inside her and threatened to bleed eternally.

  “At this stage, the only salvation would have been if I had whored around for my time here. They might have opted to overlook me, as they will Jovan no doubt. However, I lack the constitution for that much activity.”

  “I doubt that,” she blurted.

  A smile cracked his stern exterior. Allric’s surprised expression caused heat to rise in her cheeks. She cleared her throat and grew serious once more. “So, you’re leaving us.”

  He nodded. “That is bad enough on its own, but Lord Jud from Wyllow is here. I am relieved in a way. Jud wants to kick Bethany out of the Knights. She will kill him before he does, assuming Jovan or Kiner don’t beat her to it.” Allric lowered his voice, thoughtful. “Though, it is possible I would not stand in their way.”

  “I saw Bethany and Jovan storm out of here,” she said, hoping to discover the nature of the warnings and scene earlier. “Who is this Lord Jud? What does he have against Bethany? Or you, for that matter.”

  “A preening administrator who is the Council’s errand runner.”

  “Oh,” Amber said. Well, that explained nothing.

  He gave her a weary glance before saying, “You will find out soon enough, I suppose. Lord Jud is my replacement.” He drew in a breath, “and is under orders to relieve Bethany from the Knights and arrange for her to escort back to Wyllow to sit on her hands in safety.”

  “Gracious and sacred Rygous,” Amber swore. At least that explained that. “What happened?”

  Allric relayed the events of what transpired between the senior members of the temple. She listened in shock. Bethany had saved her life. Next to Allric, Bethany was exactly what a Knight should be, even if she was a little too deep into the bottle these days. She owed Bethany her life. “If this Jud takes away Bethany’s command, she’ll sink,” Amber said, then amended, “further.”

  Allric withdrew his hand from hers once more. A small sting of disappointment pricked her at the loss of the intimacy. “I have known Bethany her whole life. Did you know that?”

  Amber shook her head. She had not.

  “I am worried about her.”

  “She still does her duty,” Amber said defensively.

  Allric smiled. “If Bethany was not doing her duty, I would haul her drunken self in here, berate her, and kick her into the pits to shovel for a month. Of course she does her duty. It is when she is off duty…”

  “This isn’t the first time this has happened, is it?”

  Allric gave her a sidelong glance before shaking his head. “I have seen her sink three times. First, it was when she was ten. Jovan’s parents had been raising her. They were diplomats and Torius thought living with them would do her good, travelling and growing up with Jovan.”

  “Bethany told me she grew up here.”

  “Oh, she did in the end. I was here when they dropped her off. They showed up here one day with a team of Rygent healers and several dozen fully vowed Knights. She had scabs and burns all over her. I was Lord Champion at that time and I stayed with Bethany in her room for the first night. All she did was stare straight ahead. She wouldn’t even speak to me, but I was the only one who did not make her scream and throw things. Torius showed up. He just walked in and picked her up…” A small smile tugged at one edge of his mouth.

  “What happened then?”

  “Torius told me later that she was...” He hesitated, and Amber sensed the lie in his voice when he continued. “Well, he said who she was. I had suspected there was something different about her, but had not known until that night. I never did find out what happened to her, but it was at least a decade before she would even stay in a room alone with a human male without running away or, later, attacking him.” He snorted. “To think, little Bethany grew up to fall in love with a human man.”

  “Ten is rather young to sink into despair, elorian, or otherwise,” Amber said quietly, ignoring the last quip by Allric. There were few things that could cause a child to react the way Bethany had, and none of them were good things. “Didn’t you ever ask her?”

  “Apexia’s grace, no. Have you met her?” He scoffed. “She would flay me alive.” Allric grew serious again. “It was worse when she and the Knights went to Taftlin and rescued Drea.” He gave her an apologetic smile. “I cannot tell you all of the details, of course, but none of them came back the same after that. I regret I did not go. I would have understood better what they all endured.”

  Amber gave him what she hoped was a supportive smile. “They needed someone here to be strong for them.”

  “Perhaps.”

  “It’s worse this time, isn’t it?”

  “I don’t know if she will ever recover.”

  “She will. She’s strong.”

  Allric gave her a half-smile. “She blames herself, and no telling her otherwise will help. If you have an idea, please share.”

  Amber knew exactly what to say and had been waiting for this, the perfect moment, to tell Allric what had been on her mind for months.

  “Say it,” h
e urged, his voice softer and gentler than any man his size should be able to manage.

  She took a deep breath and rallied her courage. The words had to be said. “Apologize to Bethany.”

  Confusion crossed Allric’s face. He cocked his head. “For what?”

  Amber raised her chin. “You know what.”

  Crimson spread across Allric’s light, but weather-beaten skin. He looked away. “For when she took you to the midwife.”

  “Bethany thinks the world of you. Apologize to her. Mend one of her wounds.”

  Allric snorted and shook his head. “Bethany thinks nothing of the world, or me.”

  Amber crossed her arms and glared at him. “You know that isn’t true. Her heart is broken and not just because of Arrago. She promised to defend us and she failed.”

  “It was not her job to single-handedly defend the temple or Orchard Park any more than mine or Jovan’s. She did not know the Magi were going to attack us that night. None of us did. If it was not for the guards and patrols, many more would have died.” He lowered his gaze. “Not to mention what she did, at the end.” Pride filled his voice. “The selfless act of a true Knight.”

  “While Bethany was in bed with Arrago, her sister murdered thousands.”

  “That is foolishness. I did not approve of her and Arrago, but…but their affair had nothing to do with it. It would have still happened. Nothing would have changed.”

  “That is where you are wrong, Allric. She killed her twin sister to save us all. If that wasn’t enough, we get to draw breath in the glory of her sacrifice, while she withers alone, rejected, grieving. If that wasn’t enough, she lost the man she loved because of who she is. Arrago changed how she saw the world.”

  “She always wanted people to worship her,” Allric said quietly.

  Amber shot him a stern look until he turned away, shamefaced. “No, Allric. She wanted people to worship the Lady Champion, the first woman to break the elite circle of leadership. The war leader. Fire Tits, isn’t that what they used to call her? Well, no recruit will ever call her that again behind her back. They will whisper that she is the daughter of the Divine. She never wanted anyone to know she who she was, let alone let anyone see her unleash her Power. Yet, she did it, to save us.”