Healing Faith

by Jennyfer Browne

  “You have a sister?” Emma asked. I nodded.

  “Where is she?” Fannie asked me and sat down beside me at the table.

  “She’s in Illinois. That’s where I was going when the bus broke down,” I explained. “And then I saw Sean in town, and got a message from Stacy that he knew where I was.”

  It was quiet for a moment as they thought on what I had said.

  “Why would your father approve of someone who hurt you?” Emma asked softly.

  “My dad liked Sean as the son he never had. He was captain of the football team and had a future ahead of him in college football. But then he blew out his knee the summer after he graduated and that was the end of his career. He lost his scholarship. That had been his way of getting out of town. Even when the community rallied and got him a scholarship to the local university, he resented it. He was stuck there. He hated that, and it changed him. I was just an easy place to project his anger," I said, shaking my head at memories of trying to explain the bruises away at first to hide the shame, then trying to tell my father the broken arm wasn't a bike accident.

  Of course he believed Sean. I had made such a good show of it being accidents. How could I say it was Sean?

  "Katherine, no," Emma said, her voice breathy as she stepped up to me. "No man should raise a hand to a woman. It is forbidden in His eyes.”

  "Do you not have laws? Could you not go to your lawmen and seek help?" Fannie asked, aghast.

  I laughed bitterly and shook my head at their innocence.

  "Sean's dad is the law. He’s a deputy sheriff and my dad is well placed on the city council. Sean was the golden child to the community. It would only make them look bad, or it would make me look like a liar. I tried to tell my dad once, he didn't understand. It was easier to ignore it instead," I explained and turned to clean up our table, hoping to end the conversation.

  Instead, I felt Fannie's arms around me, followed by Emma's as they held me close.

  Their emotion took me by surprise, after so long admitting that the life I led was how it would be, I fell into a world so foreign and yet completely as life should be. It was difficult not to let out the tears I had refused to shed over Sean and my misunderstood circumstances. Instead I let them hold me until I softly cleared my throat.

  "We'll burn the pies," I mumbled and slid from their grasp to check on the apple pies.

  They seemed to sense my need to drop the subject and helped pull out the pies, leaving them to cool on racks on the table. I watched the sun brighten the window, turn to midday, and still no appearance of the man over the hill. We worked in the garden in the early afternoon, the heat bearing down on us as we pulled weeds from the flourishing tomatoes and green beans. By the time supper was being set on the table, I had decidedly resigned that Nathan wouldn’t be showing up again.

  “He was here earlier,” Jonah replied when Fannie said something about his absence.

  “Why did he not come to supper then? I do not understand his behavior of late,” she said, clearly frustrated at her nephew.

  “It has only been the last few days,” Hannah mumbled and glanced at me.

  Fannie heard the comment and shook her head.

  “He would not choose to miss meals simply because we have a guest,” she said.

  Abigail, who had been silent most of dinner piped up.

  “It is not Katherine,” she said and smiled at me. “He could not stop watching you when he came to speak with Poppa. Poppa had to repeat himself twice for Nathan to understand him.”

  I glanced over at Jonah and noticed he had slowed his chewing to regard me. He swallowed and looked back down at his plate, an amused smile on his lips.

  “We will see him tomorrow at the Frolic, and I will not allow him to be rude to our guest,” Fannie said, offering me an apologetic smile.

  I didn’t know what to say to everything that had transpired at dinner. I was still surprised to hear that he had watched me while I had worked. Once upstairs in our room, Abigail pulled me with her towards the small bed and made me sit beside her while she watched me with her innocent eyes.

  “Do not be upset with Nathan,” she said simply.

  “I’m not upset with him,” I said hesitantly.

  I was to some degree. He confused me, and he had no business doing so.

  “He is just lonely and looking for a friend. Maybe you can be his friend,” she said and pouted when Emma snorted from her bed.

  “I don’t think he wants to be my friend, Abigail,” I explained gently. “I’m an outsider.”

  “But I am your friend,” she said, confused. “He should not think of you so.”

  Emma stood, chuckling at her little sister as she tucked her into bed.

  “I am sure Nathan thinks Katherine is nice, Abigail. But he is conflicted,” she explained.

  Abigail slid into her bed, a frown on her usually merry face.

  “He should be nice to Katherine,” she muttered. “Talk to him tomorrow, Katherine. He will see what we see.”

  I hung up my dress and slid into bed with Emma.

  “And what do you see?” I asked.

  Abigail closed her eyes and snuggled deeper into her blanket.

  “You are our new sister. He should be nice to family.”

  I remained quiet and closed my eyes at her words.

  It was nice to hear that she thought of me as family, but it just made it more difficult to explain that I would be leaving, in part because I didn’t want to leave now.

  I fell asleep to the same conflicting thoughts I seemed to have every night since arriving to this place. The peace and simplicity was soothing, but the haunting specter of the man on the other side of the hill perplexed and frustrated me.

  Perhaps the next day would offer some answers.

  Perhaps Abigail was right.

  Perhaps he just needed a friend.

  Chapter 7

  The routine of waking up early was getting easier.

  Up in the darkness, clothed and to the cows for their milking, and I was learning a little more every day. Both Abigail and Emma showed me how to gather eggs from the chickens and laughed when I yelped at the persistent pecking.

  The sun was just starting to break its way over the horizon when we reached the kitchen door, and stopped at the conversation in the other room.

  "She does not understand our laws, Mother. She will shame us."

  I swallowed hard at Hannah's words.

  "She is our guest. It is up to us to show her our way. She has honorable intentions."

  Fannie's words made me blush. She had so much faith in me, a stranger. But Hannah’s logic made me want to get in touch with my own sister that much more. I needed to get back on track. Hannah had only clarified how much I didn’t belong here. She seemed to be the only one who saw me for who I really was, an Englisher simply pretending so she could hide.

  "She dotes on Nathan. Surely you see the scandal that would bring, and just before my wedding, Mother."

  "Nathan needs something to pull him out of his sadness. Perhaps a friend can do that. I think Nathan knows the law well enough to keep a proper distance, Hannah. Perhaps that is why he keeps his distance now. And if it were to become something deeper, you should be glad for him, and for her. Perhaps that is why God brought her to us. She needs something as well, or she would have remained in her world. We are here to provide whatever she needs to find her way."

  "Just do not ask me to include her in my wedding."

  It was quiet for a moment in the kitchen.

  "Your wedding is of course your own. I am sad you would not welcome your sister into your celebration."

  "She is not my sister."

  The voices in the kitchen grew too low for me to hear, but I had heard enough. Emma and Abigail whispered out my name as I walked away down the hall. I was intent on going upstairs to find my things and leave. Regardless of the friendships I had made with this family, it was bound to end sometime. At least Hannah had in her head that I w
ould not remain here, and I respected her for her standoffish behavior towards me. She had been honest. The part of their lives that they had allowed me to experience was well and good for learning about them. It didn't mean I would make a life here. I was moving towards the front door to avoid them when I heard footsteps ahead of me at the door.

  "Pleasant morning, Katherine," came the booming voice as the door opened towards me. Mark stood there, Jonah in his shadow. I shuffled to a stop from my retreat, plastering a stilted smile on my face at the men before me.

  "Pleasant morning, Mark. Jonah," I replied, nodding to both of them and turned reluctantly to make my way back towards the kitchen.

  I entered the kitchen to four sets of eyes watching me. Emma tried to smile apologetically as Fannie moved towards me and hugged me quickly before moving to set the table. Hannah simply turned back around to finish cooking the eggs in the large skillet. It was obvious that Emma had said something about us overhearing the conversation. The tension was overbearing as I stood there, watching Jonah and Mark take in the scene. It took Jonah's bright voice to break the awkward silence.

  "I am famished! Hannah, whatever you are cooking smells delicious! I am sure Mark is excited to break fast with you every morning if he has to look forward to this every day!" he exclaimed and rested his hand lightly on my shoulder as if in support for a moment before moving to his seat.

  Mark moved past me and settled in next to Jonah, speaking softly about the day's events. I helped Emma with bringing out the meal, avoiding Hannah's cold stare every time I passed. It was only once I was seated beside Emma that Hannah spoke up.

  "I wonder if Nathan will join us this morning," she said lightly, sitting comfortably beside Mark. Her eyes flicked over to me for a moment, a knowing smirk on her lips at my blush.

  Jonah shook his head and reached for the biscuits.

  "I spoke with him at dawn. He sends his regrets at not breaking fast. He wanted to be on his way to Elder Wittmer's," Jonah said pointedly and passed the biscuits around. I remained quiet, focused on the eggs on my plate.

  Did the Amish gossip as much as we did in our world? Or was I simply that obvious about my conflicted feelings? I had a feeling the day at the Frolic was going to be nothing short of humiliating, with either him making a show of ignoring me, or of providing gossip for this community and me stammering like an idiot. And for that, I was determined not to embarrass Nathan or myself at the Frolic.

  I would behave myself and remain distant, regardless of what Emma or Abigail thought.

  The Amish man didn't need any more drama in his life, certainly not from me.

  Emma watched me carefully as we cleaned and packed up everything to prepare to leave. I tried to offer her a smile, to let her know I was fine with what I had been through, but her eyes seemed to penetrate through me, as if she could see all my sins.

  Fannie ushered us out with our food, patting me gently on the shoulder as we made our way outside to the waiting wagon. We placed the food in boxes in the back of an open wagon, where half a dozen chairs and piled quilts lay. Jonah finished pulling the harness on his two large horses and turned to us, a bright smile on his face.

  "Shall we? The men are sure to be hungry when we get there!" he said and climbed up into the bench seat in front.

  Fannie followed, settling in beside him, pulling a dark cover over her head. Hannah was already seated in the back of the wagon, nestled between the chairs. Emma and Abigail scrambled up and sat with their backs to the bench, smiling towards me expectantly. I let out a sigh and climbed in.

  Climbed in might be an understatement.

  It was more like clawed and scrambled and stomach rolled once I had a leg up gracelessly to hitch myself into the bed of the wagon. By the time I had slid up and crawled over to sit beside Emma, all eyes were on me. I shook my head and hunkered down holding onto the box that held the pies as we started off. I could only imagine having to get back down again.

  I sat quietly as we rode, the sound of the horses and the loud rolling of the wagon the only thing I could hear in the bright day. The sun was already beating down fiercely, and it was not even noon yet. It was bound to be a scorching day. I squinted against the harsh glare of the sun to take in the landscape as it passed by.

  Iowa was the corn capital, and at a glance, it seemed that the Amish did indeed grow plenty of corn. But as my eyes adjusted to the glare of near midday, I noticed other fields, brighter here, duller there as we travelled down the dusty road. It seemed they also grew plenty of wheat and small pockets of leafy vine plants: grapes and berries and tomatoes. And with every house we passed, few and far between, there was a large garden beside the house bursting with life.

  There was a fair share of newly turned fields as well. It was mid summer, I could only assume that crops had been harvested already and the soil preparing for something new. I didn't know anything about farming, but it seemed reasonable. I had to wonder how the Amish survived on just their crops and quilts. Did they trade with us Outsiders?

  Surely they did, and then purchased what they could not grow or make. There was so much to them that I did not understand. How could something so simple be so mysterious and complicated?

  I let my thoughts drift as the sun beat down on us. We made our way towards Elder Wittmer's farm in silence. Emma was strangely quiet beside me, and Hannah merely ignored the two of us. It wasn’t far, but with some of the blankets and food, it was easier to ride than walk I supposed. It was fairly obvious when we neared the Wittmer farm. The buggies on the side of the road and the milling people around a field by the house gave it away.

  That and Emma's sudden fidgeting.

  I glanced her way, trying to offer her some encouragement, but the look in her eyes gave me pause.

  She liked the son, John, didn't she?

  Why did she look suddenly ill?

  "Are you all right?" I whispered near her ear, watching as she swallowed and tugged her bonnet over her hair nervously.

  "Emma is nervous to see her John," Hannah teased.

  Emma swallowed again and grew paler at Hannah's words. I had had enough of Hannah and her teasing. But I remained quiet, not wanting to cause any more problems. Instead I took Emma's trembling hand and squeezed it encouragingly. I was going to help her, whatever it took. The wagon slowed to a stop, drifting backwards for a moment on the slight hill until we turned into the hill and stopped with a jolt. A few of the men in the field started to make their way towards us, their straw hats bobbing as they walked. I glanced towards them, hoping for a sight of the black hat, but there was none that I could see. I helped Emma with the box of pies, slipping out of the wagon with a little more grace than I had getting in. As the men joined Jonah, we followed Fannie towards the house, where tables had been set up in the shade for the bountiful spread of food for everyone.

  As we approached, the women around the tables turned and regarded us quietly. I felt every eye turn to me when they noticed me just behind Fannie. One woman, who seemed to be the one giving the orders turned and nodded towards Fannie as we drew near. She was an older woman, stocky and grey haired; she stepped forward with a brisk smile.

  "Welcome, Fannie! We are happy to see you and your kin today," she said, her voice gravelly with age. She looked my way, waiting for my introduction. I couldn't help withdrawing just a bit into myself at her perusal.

  "Sarah, this is Katherine," Fannie said simply, motioning towards me. "She is visiting and welcome in our family."

  Sarah moved closer, several of the older women falling in line behind her as if in solemn judgment. I turned my eyes down, not sure if I should look her in the eye or simply be the obedient outsider. Which may be why I was surprised when strong arms wrapped around me. Sarah held me briefly before pulling away to smile down at me.

  "Welcome, Katherine. We are happy to have you with us today. Please, come. We will get you settled with a duty for the day," she said and just like that, I was making my way down the long table with Emma to s
et out the pies before being shuttled off to gather water for the men in the field.

  Emma came with me, still pale as she looked around timidly. I noticed that no one spoke with her and she seemed more withdrawn as we walked amongst the women. The younger women, those that were about our age, stared at us as we passed, some frowning before turning away. I waited until we were at the water pump to ask Emma.

  "Why are the other girls like that? Why do you look so upset, Emma?" I asked softly, pushing on the pump to get it started. The water gushed out, filling our bucket quickly.

  Emma glanced back towards the house and shook her head, grimacing.

  "It is nothing. We should go. It is hot and the men will want a drink," she replied and struggled to pull the heavy bucket out of the basin.

  The bucket's handle was shaped so that two people could carry it, as if it were made especially for two women to haul. I put my hand on my hip and refused to lean over to pick it up until she answered me. She looked at me pitifully, her eyes pleading for me to drop it. When I didn't she finally let out a long breath and looked at me hard.

  "I said no to John Wittmer."

  I blinked at the hard edge to her voice, and to the words she had said.

  "I don't understand. No to what?" I asked, stepping a little closer to her. She huffed and dragged the water bucket out of the basin, splashing it over the edge roughly. I jumped forward and helped her before she spilled it all over herself. For someone so small, she had a lot of force when she used it. I followed along beside her for a moment, walking towards the field where the men worked on the fences. She finally let out a breath and slowed down.

  "I am sorry. I do not mean to be rude. It is something that I will regret it for the rest of my life, I know.”

  "Emma," I said, slowing her down to a stop to look at her. "Can you please speak without all the drama? What did you say no to him about? And why do the other girls look at you like that?"

  We both glanced back to where the women busied themselves with laying out food for the mid day meal, catching quite a few of the younger women looking after us. When Emma turned back at me, she shrugged and let out a pained laugh.