Healing Faith

by Jennyfer Browne

  I looked at him, a little perplexed.

  “Of course.”

  “And you would be happy?” he asked and slid a little closer to me, his eyes inquisitive.

  “Are you sure you’re all right?” I asked, his questions making me nervous.

  He nodded and laughed softly.

  “It is just that tomorrow will be your first Sermon,” he said and swallowed, glancing at me. “And your first wedding.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him.

  “Is that what you’re nervous about? The wedding?” I asked, laughing when I saw his ears brighten.

  “My sisters were always so unbearable when it came to weddings. Emma as well,” he said and watched me warily.

  “Ah, well,” I said, not sure how to put him at ease. “I’m not your average Amish girl.”

  “No, you are not,” he said and he was grinning.

  “I’ll try not to moon over you tomorrow, if that makes you feel better,” I teased.

  “People will know regardless,” he said, clearing his throat.

  “I thought this was all supposed to be secret,” I said, feeling his nerves now.

  He grinned again and made to stand up.

  “It may be secret, but I cannot hide my feelings for you,” he replied and leaned in to kiss me quickly. “I am happy to know that you want this life. I am sure there will be questions of your choices tomorrow when the community sees you.”

  I swallowed at that thought.

  “Be at peace, Kate,” he said soothingly. “They will see you for the angel that you are. Pleasant dreams, Kate.”

  I watched him as he walked to his house, a new feeling of nervousness welling up inside of me.

  Tomorrow, people would figure out I wished to stay.

  Tomorrow they would see me with Nathan.

  I had a feeling tomorrow would be a judgment day for me.

  Chapter 16

  It was difficult to sleep that night, the morning coming too quickly. I thought I had just fallen asleep when Emma was pulling me up to bathe and get dressed. And all the while my brain strained to remain calm over what today would bring. Breakfast was a haze, the only welcome part to it was the green eyes that smiled and watched me as I picked at my food. I was sad to see him disappear after breakfast, Jonah and Nathan heading to his home to finish the chores that must be done every day, even on wedding days.

  I didn't have time to miss him; Abigail and Emma were rushing around to prepare for the ceremonies. I still had the fear of judgment in my head as I helped Hannah into her newly made dress. Her wedding dress was simple, dark blue to bring out her eyes against her red hair. Her dress would become her church dress after her wedding, the dress of a wife.

  With Hannah dressed, Emma and I disappeared downstairs to greet people as they filed into the house, every room filled with chairs and extending out into the yard. I caught sight of Nathan helping some of the older women into the front room. He glanced my way and smiled as he spoke softly with one old woman, her face turning up to smile at his charm. He sat her carefully near an open window, turning to help another older woman to her seat. Each time he turned towards me, his eyes would brighten and he would smile.

  It helped calm my nerves.

  Emma pulled me towards the front of the room, sitting close to the older women that Nathan had assisted. She pulled out a book from under the bench, thicker than the Bible I had been reading from. She opened it up, leaning in to whisper into my ear.

  "This is the Ausbund. It is our hymnbook for Sermons. We sing only in reverence to God. I did not wish to alarm you, what with everything that has happened," she said, her eyes showing her concern.

  She handed me the hymnbook, opening it up to one particular page. It was in German. I paged through the book, looking at each page, finding it all in German. With having taken German in high school for a couple of years, I could make out maybe half the words.

  "You can whisper along, Katherine. No one expects you to know this," she whispered and patted me gently on the arm.

  I didn’t have time to ask why the songbook was in German, opening my mouth only to shut it again just as the Bishop entered the room. I looked around to find Fannie and Hannah towards the front of the room. Nathan stood by the door leading to the other room adjacent, also full of people.

  I had no idea there would be so many people here.

  The Bishop raised his hands, the congregation falling silent. He looked around the room and nodded in approval.

  "Today is a special day in God's eyes. Today we welcome young Hannah Berger and Mark Bowman into the bonds marriage. Today is a blessed day," he said loudly, his voice carrying through the house.

  We listened as he spoke, talking of commitment and honor, of God's blessing on the couple that would be joined today. I listened and took it all in. Marriage was sacred, a commitment as important as their baptism into the Way. The joining of two people meant the continuation of their way of life. And we were witness to the union.

  The Bishop pulled out his hymnbook and called out a page. I held the book for Emma, finding the page quickly. There was a shuffling of paper, and then the most beautiful voice I had heard began to sing the first line.

  Standing between the doors, stood Nathan, singing to lead us in our hymn. I watched as the congregation sang to the rhythm that Nathan timed out in his hand. Hands moved in time, cutting through the air in time to Nathan's song, singing in perfect melody to his lead. There was no harmony, no accompaniment of musical instruments, only voices as they rose up and sang.

  They sang in German, and I could only catch snippets of it, but I understood the jist of it; to love and respect your mate. That life had meaning, and that in choosing the right path, you found enlightenment. If you asked me what it meant to understand God before I had come to this way of life I would not have been able to tell you. Seeing the dedication this community had for their ways made me see it anew. They lived to serve God. And they followed their ways happily. I was amazed at how much I could feel God in the moment as everyone sung. The melody of their voices united was uplifting. Reverent.

  I could only sit and watch in fascination, unable to follow along fast enough with the difficult words in the book. I felt a moment's apprehension when I noticed the Bishop's eyes on me. He watched me during the last verse, my face feeling hot as I looked away and tried to follow along in the book.

  With the end of the song, the Bishop called Hannah and Mark. They stood and faced the congregation, and at once I could see that Hannah, usually so cool and stoic, was smiling. The Bishop walked out with them, to hear their vows in private as we continued with the Sermon. One of the ministers took up the Sermon, letting Nathan lead in song as we waited for the couple to re-emerge with the Bishop.

  After what felt like forever, a mumbling could be heard behind us. Emma and I turned with the rest of the congregation to watch as Mark and Hannah followed the Bishop in. Mark was grinning happily, Hannah blushing as she held his hand tightly. She glanced towards us as they stepped to the front of the room, her smile growing as we smiled back.

  "Let us look on these two now, and know that they have bound themselves to each other. What they vow will keep the Way pure, and we shall hope for the line to continue with them. Let us be joyful on this blessed day! Please welcome Hannah and Mark, man and wife!" the Bishop exclaimed.

  The rest of the sermon flitted past in a blur, most of it lost on me when the Bishop spoke in broken bits of German and English. We sang one last song, my eyes catching Nathan's as he sang to lead us, his eyes brilliant as he shared a moment with me from across the room. I knew I should turn away, but the bright green of his eyes and the distinctly pleasant aura around us made me feel comforted.

  As the sermon ended, Hannah and Mark made their way outside so that they could receive the congratulations from those attending. Emma guided me into the kitchen, where Fannie was already pulling out the roasts from the oven. She still looked teary eyed when she looked up to see us pulling
together the food for the lunch. She motioned us to her, hugging us tight for a moment before taking a deep breath and wiping her eyes.

  "I am sorry," she said. "I have waited for this day for so long, and now that it is here, I am not prepared."

  We hugged her once more before we moved back into the routine of serving for the guests. We followed Fannie out with bowls of food, setting them up at a shaded table where I recognized a few of the women helping there. They were the same women who had been at the Wittmers. Sarah turned and helped Jonah with the roast; glancing our way and giving instructions to set the food down and bring out more. Emma and I worked quickly, bringing out the pies, the breads and vegetables in record time.

  I was turning to go back into the house when I saw an older man struggling to get up the stairs. I rushed to his side just as he looked about to collapse.

  "Here, let me help you," I said softly, his eyes lighting up at my gentle touch at his elbow. I felt his bony hand reach for my shoulder, my arm moved around his waist to help him up the last step and guide him to the swing I knew well. Helping him to sit, he watched me as I stood before him.

  "Would you like me to make you a plate? A glass of lemonade?" I asked, smiling down at him.

  “That would be nice, child,” he replied, his voice crackling with age. “My family is sitting in the sun and I prefer the shade.”

  I looked back at the food table, Fannie laughing and seemingly more relaxed with everything from the sight of it. It seemed I could spare the extra time for the old man who reminded me of my grandfather I had met only a few times before he had died.

  "I will make you a nice plate of food and be right back," I replied and turned to make my way to the serving table.

  I had just finished setting a plate for the old man when I caught sight of Nathan, off near the side of the house, speaking with the Bishop and another older man. Nathan looked frustrated, shaking his head and looking around as if to locate someone. I was sure it was for me.

  I grabbed the closest glass of lemonade and hurried back towards the old man. Stepping onto the porch he waved me over with a smile. I placed the plate in his hands and set the lemonade by him on the table, smiling when he hummed at the taste of the potato salad. I stood there for a moment, unsure if he would be fine on his own, until he finally spoke.

  "You are most kind, dear girl. Thank you for helping me. You can go find your friends, dear. I am sure Fannie must need you.”

  "You're very welcome. I'm happy to help, sir," I said softly and turned to leave.

  "You may call me Ezekiel, Katherine," he said, his words making me pause and turn back around to look at him.

  He knew my name?

  Perhaps more people than I realized knew who I was.

  That was a little disconcerting.

  He did not look up from his meal, cutting apart the meat and putting it in his mouth in quiet bliss. I stepped off the porch and walked back towards the food area, catching sight of Emma and John at a nearby table. I waved to them and picked up a plate to prepare something for myself. I felt someone's hand on my shoulder, causing me to jump in surprise. I turned to find Hannah and Mark standing beside me.

  "I am sorry, Katherine! I did not mean to startle you!" Hannah said hurriedly and pulled me into a tight embrace.

  "It's all right, Hannah," I breathed, returning her embrace. "Congratulations. You looked so beautiful."

  She pulled away, grinning at me.

  "I can not believe how I feel right at this moment, Katherine. It is an amazing feeling," she replied happily when Mark pulled her close, shaking hands with guests as they wished them well.

  I watched after them for a few moments, at the happiness they shared. I smiled inwardly and finished preparing my plate, excited about sitting with my new family. But when I turned to come away from the table, I stopped short when I noticed Nathan had arrived at Emma’s table, sitting next to her and watching me worriedly. His eyes were wide and he was glancing back towards the porch behind me. I looked back and saw the Bishop standing beside the old man, Ezekiel, speaking softly. Walking towards me was the other man whom Nathan had been speaking with. I swallowed and turned to face him. The older man’s lips were drawn in a thin line, a stark contrast to the dark beard and dark eyes as they stared me down.

  "Katherine, Elder Ezekiel would like to speak with you more. You may leave your plate here," the man said, towering over me.

  Looking back towards Ezekiel, I noticed the Bishop seemed smug as I nodded and put my plate down. I followed along behind the man, my nerves working through me when I saw the Bishop helping Ezekiel to his feet. The old man smiled at me and patted me on the cheek, waving me inside.

  "Come inside where it is cool, Katherine. We have things to discuss, child," he said, and entered the house with the Bishop.

  I turned one last time before entering the house, the place I had called home for the last couple of weeks, and looked towards Nathan. He was standing and his eyes were glued to mine. Gone was the beautiful smile on his face from earlier in the day, replaced with a look of uncertainty.

  I stepped into the house with a feeling of trepidation. I just knew I was going to say something wrong.

  I was walking towards an end.

  Chapter 17

  I walked into the house with an intense feeling of dread. I was going to screw up. Nothing in my life was easy.

  Why should I be given this wonderful bit of life now?

  I followed along behind the Bishop, wondering how they felt so at ease in the Berger home that they could just walk in and sit someplace to speak. Their comfort was the last thing I should be worrying over. If anything, their ease in the Berger home and my confusion was simply a reminder that I was the stranger here and they were the ones that would decide whether I remained.

  I was heading to an Inquisition. I could just feel it.

  We sat in the front room, the Bishop setting chairs up for the three of them to sit.

  I wasn't sure whether I should sit or not, so I remained standing before one of the front benches from the wedding. Old Ezekiel was situated in the center, the Bishop taking one chair, the man who had approached me sitting in the remaining seat. Ezekiel smiled at me and motioned for me to sit, his smile offering me some hope this wouldn't be a firing squad.

  "Please, Katherine. Sit. No need to stand and be fearful. We wish only to know you, child," he said sweetly.

  I sat carefully, hands my lap, trying for my best posture and innocent look. I glanced at the Bishop and felt my stomach turn from his countenance. He made me incredibly nervous. He seemed to have perfected the same look my father had when he chose to remark on my failings. I could tell the Bishop was cut from the same mocking cloth. His dark brooding eyes never left me, and seemed to shoot his accusing glare straight through me.

  I took a careful breath and focused my attention on Ezekiel, the only friendly face in the room.

  "Katherine, do you know who we are?" the third man said.

  I looked over at him and cleared my throat. I was parched suddenly.

  "You are the Elders, sir.”

  He offered me a curt nod, never smiling.

  "That is right, girl. You have met Elder Ezekiel Schroeder. I am Eli Jennson, and this is our Bishop, Samuel Yoder," he replied, offering what seemed to be the official introductions.

  I nodded to each of them and tried to smile.

  "I am pleased to meet you. I'm grateful for your kindness in letting me stay with the Bergers.”

  The Bishop let out a noise, something like a snort and smirked.

  Had I said something wrong? Had they already made their decision about me?

  "Katherine, we do not want you to think that this is an inquest in any way," the Bishop said smoothly. "We just need to know your intentions."

  Intentions. And that smirk again.

  "Yes, sir," I replied quietly, trying to hide the nerves.

  "So," Eli started. "Where is your family from, Katherine? Jonah had very little
information about you when we agreed to shelter you."

  "I'm from California. A town north of San Francisco," I answered.

  "California," the Bishop interjected. “That would explain your worldly behavior.”

  I shook my head hesitantly, confused by his statement.

  "You have seen more than our youth. California is full of deception and no sense of self. There are too many opinions and not enough faith," he continued, interrupting any chance I had at a rebuttal.

  I swallowed and looked down.

  "I came from a small town, Bishop Yoder. Much like the town near here. I don’t think of myself as very worldly," I murmured.

  In truth, I felt more sheltered than the Berger sisters these days. They knew more about life than I did.

  "Jonah mentioned that you wish to remain here. Is that true, Katherine?" Eli asked, moving the discussion along.

  I looked up at him and nodded. He was younger than Ezekiel and his eyes were more cautious as he regarded me, one hand scratching at his dark beard.

  "If you will have me. Yes, sir," I replied.

  "And why is that?" the Bishop asked, an edge to his voice.

  "I feel comfort here. I feel like I was meant for this life," I replied quietly, watching as the Bishop's eyes narrowed in irritation.

  The tension was thick as I struggled to remain perfectly still on the bench. Three pairs of eyes bore down on me. Even Ezekiel seemed to be watching me closely. I waited in the silence for them to continue. The silence seemed to go on forever.

  I was going to crack.

  I could feel it, with my dry throat and airless lungs.

  "What do you think it is to be Amish, Katherine?" the Bishop asked, his lips fighting that smirk.

  "To do God's work. To live an honest life. To live and love as He would want us to. To live simply, and to be there for the community," I said and I hated myself for letting the tremor affect my voice.

  "That is a naive view, yes. But you must understand we live much differently than you are used to," Eli explained.

  "I understand it is a different lifestyle. One that I have welcomed while I have been here," I said and sat a little straighter, trying to sound sure of my statement.