Healing Faith

by Jennyfer Browne

"Did your father or mother talk to you about such things?" he asked, suddenly shy.

  "Um, we don't own horses where I live," I replied and bit at my lips when he blushed again.

  "Of course," he said hurriedly, looking out to the garden.

  I sighed and leaned into him, drawing his eyes back to me.

  "Dad tried to give me the sex talk when I started dating Sean. He bungled it up, though. They teach us that in school in eighth grade. It was more embarrassing for him than for me," I explained.

  "Your father assumed you would be intimate with him?" he asked.

  I swallowed and closed my eyes for a moment, trying to will away all the emotions associated with the idea of intimacy with Sean.

  "I am sure my dad assumed a lot of things," I whispered and looked back out into the night.

  Nathan nodded and remained silent. Speaking about Sean made me worry once more about what I had to do and having to face him again.

  "Do you think Sean will be at the gathering? I know he hasn't given up yet," I whispered.

  I felt Nathan's hand pause on my wrist.

  "If he is, we will deal with it," he replied softly.

  "I don't want anyone to get hurt," I said worriedly.

  "No one will raise a fist to him, but he will be dealt with," Nathan said, his eyes intense.

  I didn't want ask him to explain, his feelings were clear in his determined eyes. It was a little alarming, seeing such an intense emotion raging in his eyes. It only lasted an instant and then he was relaxed again and stroking my wrist once more.

  "I will not let anyone hurt you, Kate," he murmured and held me closer.

  I closed my eyes to the security I felt with Nathan, here in this peaceful community. Fannie was right, I needed to confront my past and start my new life. I liked seeing Nathan happy, and if that meant going back to tell my father and Sean I was leaving for good, then I would. My sister was another story. She would understand I was sure, but she’d be upset to lose me forever. Stacy was the one person I would miss more than anything when I gave up my old life.

  He pulled me out of my contemplative thoughts when his fingertips drifted up my arm slowly. Glancing up at him, his eyes were transfixed where his fingers traced. I held my breath when he gently pulled my arm closer, edging his hand further up my arm into the crook of my elbow. It was easy to touch me there, the short sleeves offering my entire arm for his exploration.

  "Your skin is so soft here," he whispered as his finger traced lightly against me.

  I watched him, his eyes following along in sweet innocent wonder as he marveled at how the skin goose fleshed at the lightest brush of the rough tip of his finger. A white-hot torrent rushed through me when he skirted just under the sleeve of my dress. I couldn't help the soft shiver that ran down my body, something I was finding I liked feeling when Nathan touched me.

  But his touch paused, and when I glanced up into his eyes they were dark, his brow slightly puckered with tortured contemplation.

  "I know what it is I do," he murmured. It wasn't an arrogant statement, just an innocent observation.

  Dear God, did he really know?

  Because if he did, surely he knew this was by all accounts sinful and against the rules. I must have made a noise, for he looked up at me with such innocent eyes I felt lost for a moment.

  "Is it wrong?" I asked quietly, stilling his hand as it moved to draw away.

  That molten rush ran through me once more at the tiny quirk of his lips.

  "Does it feel good?" he offered when his finger slipped once more beneath the fabric.

  I could only nod. Every sense was stupefied with that tingling feeling inside of me. His grin widened and his eyes creased up, a hint of mischief in them as he let out a measured sigh.

  "Then it must be wrong," he murmured, and let his fingertip linger there under the fabric for a moment before slipping back out to trace down to the inside of my elbow once more.

  Hours after he had left, I could still feel the heat of him there along the inside of my arm. And just the thought of him touching me there offered me that flush I was beginning to desire whenever I was with him. If he could do that to me with just that simple touch, I had to wonder what it would be like elsewhere.

  Most definitely sinful.

  Chapter 21

  I was not sure which was worse. A sulking Emma or an over-excited Emma. Ever since Nathan consented to going to the gathering, every day was full of quiet questions about my world. The world I wanted to forget about. She asked everything from the very basic questions to ones I felt uncomfortable answering, mainly because it made clear just how little I really knew.

  I had no idea about current fashion. I had no idea what girls talked about at parties. I had no idea what boyfriends and girlfriends really did either. I felt that maybe I was just as unprepared for this party as the Amish youth were.

  Maybe more.

  Friday came, and with it came a feeling of trepidation.

  The more I spoke with Emma, the more I worried that this party would be a temptation for Nathan and I to go a little further with our relationship. It both thrilled me and terrified me. Perhaps that was some of his reservations also. Each night as we sat together, his hand would trace a little further. He would become a little bolder with his comfort, until last night I felt his touch along my neck, feather light over and around my ear and then down the length of my neck to the edge of my dress.

  I would listen to his breathing pick up when he felt my skin heat from his touch, and I would know when he was about to draw away, the temptation too much for him as we sat there on the swing. We let Emma and John spend their time near the barn, never walking far from the house and never having a moment alone.

  Nathan continued to respect me in the presence of the Bergers.

  Without the threat of Jonah or Fannie there to forbid us any alone time, how far would Nathan take our relationship?

  How far would I?

  And how would it appear to the Elders that we went together?

  Fannie had been quiet about her feelings when she learned we were going. Emma explained it was not up to the parents to allow or deny their children their experiences, only to hope for the best. The idea of Fannie and Jonah not putting up a fight just made me more nervous. So as I sat there watching Emma brush her hair for the tenth time, I fidgeted and thought instead about what might happen at this gathering.

  A tap at the window long after Fannie and Jonah had gone to bed had Emma jumping up to check the window.

  "It is John!” she exclaimed, covering her mouth at her excitement.

  “I want to go too,” Abigail pouted from her bed, but her yawn belied her eagerness to go.

  “Go to sleep!” Emma chided and grabbed her head covering.

  I patted down my hair and pulled my cover back on, my nerves peaking as the moment was at hand. Emma grabbed my hand and pulled me down the stairs, stopping short when we saw Fannie by the door. She was in her shift, her hair down. And a nervous look in her eyes as she took us into her arms and hugged us.

  "Be safe tonight," she whispered, and her voice cracked from the strain. We squeezed her tight, offering her a little comfort before stepping away into the night.

  As soon as the night air hit us, I paused a moment and looked back at Fannie as she stood in the doorway. She smiled and raised her hand in a singular wave, and then slowly closed the door, sending us on our way. When I turned back, I saw John and Nathan standing by the road. I smiled when I noticed Nathan was still in his Amish clothes, as was John. They understood we would be nervous, and the idea of seeing Nathan in a pair of blue jeans and a T-shirt would weaken me. I took Nathan's hand when we were close enough and smiled when he leaned down to kiss me on the cheek.

  "Are you ready for this?" he asked when we started down the road.

  I nodded and gripped his hand a little tighter.

  "Steve is waiting for us down the road. He will drive us to the gathering," John was saying.

  A
s we crested the hill I saw a car, an old Buick that looked like it had seen the last of its days. And leaning against it was a tall formidable man. He watched us as we neared, his dark eyes following us as he sipped on a soda. When John approached, the man straightened and nodded to Nathan and me.

  "I thought it was just you and your girl. It's gonna be tight," he said in a deep southern drawl, and motioned us towards the car. Looking in, I noticed we were not his only ride. In the front seat sat a pretty girl in pigtails and overly done makeup, and in the back seat there was already another couple, lip locked and intertwined in each other.

  "Saddle up, kids. Free lap dances tonight it seems!" Steve exclaimed and watched as John and then Emma climbed in, John wrapping his hands around Emma's waist as she settled into his lap.

  I could hear Nathan swallow as he contemplated getting in.

  "Can't wait all night, Fisher. Now or never," Steve said and slipped into the driver’s seat, starting the engine.

  "It'll be okay," I whispered and squeezed his hand encouragingly. He shook his head and slipped into the car, his hands outstretched for me to get in. I had told him it would be okay. But I knew this was just the first hurdle we would face tonight. I swallowed down my nerves and crawled into the car, feeling his hands grasp at my hips, keeping me firmly in place on his lap while I tried to adjust to get more comfortable. The car lurched into motion, propelling me back into him, and forcing one of his arms to wrap around me protectively.

  Settled in against him, I could feel him let out a heavy breath into my shoulder and felt his hand on my hip try to adjust me forward. At first I thought I might be crushing him, until I adjusted a little against him. And he let out another heavy breath. And he tensed beneath me.

  Oh.

  I wrapped my hand around his at my waist and squeezed it, hoping I could relay to him silently that everything would be all right. But when he squeezed me in return, pulling me back a little against him and letting out another breath, I knew we were in for an interesting night. He made another adjustment under me, another heavy breath, and a flexing of his hand along my stomach, splaying his fingertips across my quivering belly.

  It was my turn to swallow and let out a long breath. Because feeling him under me was something I wanted to feel more of, and I knew that would only upset him more than he already was at the moment. It was as if some higher power truly wanted to tempt us, knowing we would ultimately fail.

  I felt Nathan clutch me to him and still his movement beneath me. Even then, the car's journey seemed to keep me moving against him, no matter how tightly he held me against him. We had been riding for some time when we finally hit a dirt road; one that was rough and caused us to move against one another in ways I knew made him uncomfortable. Just when he seemed to have himself in control, the bumps and jogging of the car had me rubbing against him again. I could feel him harden further against me, and I bit my lip to keep from groaning.

  Would he be disgusted with me if he knew feeling him beneath me worked me up as much as from a simple kiss?

  I knew it was wrong.

  His body simply reacted; he couldn't help the instinctual biology. But it was making my body heat up in the most incredible ways. He was so close to me, hard and moving just far enough away to make me want to cry out in frustration. Feeling his hand tighten his hold and his breath warm my neck as he pulled me close on the rough road made me want to do so many things to him. I felt depraved while secretly I enjoyed it.

  Gone was the need to prove how I could be respectful and sweet. I wanted more from him and I wanted to give him more of myself. It was not something I was used to. Every time I had been alone with Sean, every time he begged me to touch him, I never felt anything more than revulsion. Nathan sparked something else in me entirely, a deep-seated desire that flared to life at every touch. The need to be with him was slowing consuming me.

  Every day I fell a little harder for Nathan Fisher.

  Everyday I needed a little more of him.

  So as we pulled down the road leading to the barn that was obviously the gathering place with its lights and music playing, I felt my heart leap into my throat. It was truly in the middle of nowhere, the only light for miles it seemed were the barn itself and the cars near it as they pulled in. We were out of sight from any one who might stop us from doing anything against the rules.

  We were on our own.

  That idea terrified me.

  Not because I was afraid of Nathan.

  He was not Sean.

  I closed my eyes and leaned into Nathan, gripping his hand tightly to feel his strength and his tenderness against me. Nathan was a different creature entirely. He had never forced himself on me. Had never pushed.

  I had faith in him.

  Perhaps Nathan had healed me in some ways. At the very least I trusted him.

  I wasn’t so sure about myself.

  We pulled into a space and stopped a good distance from the barn; there were so many cars and trucks littering the yard, as well as a number of buggies on the outskirts. It was strange; there was not a house anywhere near the barn. And the barn looked old, falling apart in some areas where the light burst through from inside. It had long been abandoned.

  Steve glanced back and shot us a quick grin.

  "Be back here at one, or you walk home," he drawled and swung his keys in his fingers as he laughed.

  Steve got out of the car, as well as his girl in the front and moved immediately towards the barn. The couple beside us slipped out on their side without a word or a glance back, leaving Emma, John, Nathan and me in the car. Emma slid off John hurriedly and grabbed at his hand, tugging him out from the empty side of the car.

  "Come! Katherine! Let us go!" Emma exclaimed and clung to John in a tight embrace as she waited for us to emerge.

  I opened the door and shifted my weight on top of Nathan so that I could turn and look at him. His eyes were clamped shut, his lips tight as he breathed through flared nostrils. I leaned in and brushed my lips to his cheek, forcing his eyes to open, the pain and embarrassment clear.

  "I am so sorry," he croaked and moved to push me away from him, away from what I knew he was embarrassed over.

  I shook my head and leaned in once more towards his lips, one hand drifted up to the side of his head, holding him in place.

  "Please don't say you're sorry. It's all right. It’s natural, Nathan," I whispered against his lips.

  He swallowed and let out a stuttered breath, kissing me quickly.

  "I think I need a moment," he whispered and forced an uncomfortable smile when I patted him on the shoulder.

  It probably wouldn't do him any good if I had told him I liked it and wanted more, to be closer. I slid out of the car and looked around briefly, surprised by the number of cars parked around the barn. The music carried loudly out from the inside of the barn, something much like hard rock and roll. It was hard to tell, as it was distorted by the building and the screams and laughter mixed in.

  I felt Nathan's hand slip around my waist, and I glanced up at him as he held me close, his look a little tense as he took in our surroundings as well. He shook his head and grimaced before looking down at me.

  "Promise me you will stay beside me all night? I do not want to think," he stammered, trailing off when I touched his face with my hand to ease him.

  "I'm not leaving your sight tonight," I assured him.

  "As with you, Emma. You stay with me all night," John was saying, suddenly serious.

  She pouted and nodded.

  "You are so worried. We will be fine tonight,” she chided and pulled John a little towards the barn, motioning for us to follow.

  "Are you sure you're okay with this?" I asked as we started to move.

  Nathan looked around worriedly but nodded. His nerves set me on edge, enough that I glanced around, looking for whatever trouble he was surveying. I didn't see anything out of the ordinary. We passed a few cars that had occupants in them, the windows cloudy from whatever was
going on inside, leaving me to wonder if the occupants were Amish or English. Nathan looked a little longer at the rocking cars until he realized what was going on, and then he turned quickly and held me a little tighter.

  I smiled to myself at how innocent Nathan really seemed. I was innocent by my world's standards; I knew what was going on in the cars. But to see Nathan's reaction, I had to wonder if his buggy was big enough for any sort of make out session. No, it would probably spook the horses.

  "What are you chuckling over?" he whispered, his lips beside my ear.

  I opened my mouth to try and come up with something to say when suddenly I felt Nathan's grip tighten on me and he slowed down. I turned to look in the direction he was staring at. I watched as a tall man made his way towards us. He had nearly black close-cropped hair and his dark eyes were slightly sunken in like he didn't eat enough. His clothes were worn, the old concert t-shirt he wore was nearly threadbare and he had a hole working its way through one knee of his faded jeans. His overall appearance made him look like he was an Outsider, but his words made me question that.

  "Fisher, my friend!" he said in a throaty voice, like he smoked too many cigarettes. Nathan slowed to a stop and clutched at me a little harder, staring at the man hard.

  "Benjamin," Nathan replied and nodded curtly.

  The man slowed to a stop a few feet from us, taking in first Nathan and then his eyes moved over me appreciatively.

  "It's Ben now. You know, new life and all. Who is this, Nathan? Are you finally taking your Rumspringa? Come to see the better life?" he said grinning as he watched us.

  "How are you Benjamin? Your mother misses you," Nathan said quietly, holding me fast.

  The man's smile faltered at mention of his mother and he looked instead to me.

  "I have not seen you, has Nathan trekked to another community to find his wife? I know he was never really interested in the girls at home," he quipped.

  "What have you been up to, Benjamin?" Nathan sidetracked once more.

  "You know, a little of this. A little of that. Working in the mill. Partying it up. Has Father finally roped you into his fold?" he asked, still eyeing me.