Healing Faith

by Jennyfer Browne

  I blushed, thinking back to Hannah' glow the morning after her night with Mark. Fannie only grinned and patted the two of us before letting us go for our chores, sending Abigail for the eggs. Emma slowly woke up and became more animated as we milked the cows. She had many questions about the night before.

  "You never did anything like that before?" she asked, and it took me a moment to realize she was talking about the party and not Nathan.

  "No. We have parties like that, but I think we are more reserved because it is more readily available. I was really surprised by all the drugs," I said quietly.

  "I was surprised by all the sex," she retorted.

  I almost dropped my bucket.

  "Yeah, there was certainly a lot of that going on," I murmured and blushed behind the cow, wondering what Emma would think of sex in general.

  "John is driving me mad. He kisses me and then I melt. I just wish he would let me touch him soon," she said.

  I leaned out behind the cow's hip and looked at her in surprise.

  "What do you mean?" I asked, not sure I wanted to hear about Emma's exploits with John.

  "Katherine, you know what I mean. You were not looking for worms in the corn last night with Nathan," she admonished, raising her eyebrow at me. “Or maybe you were.”

  I coughed and quickened my work. Did she honestly think that Nathan and I had been doing more than what we had been? Well, I had wanted to at the start of the evening, so perhaps there were expectations. She glanced back towards the barn door; to be sure we were alone before she scooted her stool to my side, leaning in to talk.

  "It is just that John confounds me. He is so attentive and affectionate. He was before I became ill as well. But we seem to have taken a step back, even when he makes me feel good when we are alone," she whispered and raised her eyebrows as if to emphasize something.

  I blinked at her, clueless.

  She rolled her eyes and continued.

  "John is a gentleman. His kisses make me lightheaded. His hands worship when he touches me. But lately I have wanted to offer him some pleasure, like he does for me," she explained.

  "What does he do for you?" I asked, curious.

  Surely, Emma hadn’t gotten more from John than I had from Nathan.

  "I should not say. It is not exactly proper."

  I looked at her pointedly from the side of the cow, amused.

  "Neither is kissing, but I know you do that. Your lips are always redder when you come back from your walks," I said, laughing.

  "So are yours, Katherine! They were quite red last night! And your hair was down. What did you really do last night in the corn?" she teased.

  “Kissed, and talked,” I said, avoiding her eyes.

  “Of course,” she said and winked.

  I blushed furiously and concentrated on the cow again. She glanced towards the door again and leaned in.

  "John touched my breast last night," she confided, almost giggling.

  My eyes widened and I cleared my throat.

  "No, really?" I asked, suddenly thinking that John was perhaps a little more forward than I assumed, and I was wishing that Nathan would be just a little more forward now that I knew what Emma and John had done.

  "Does that surprise you, Katherine? We are not so different. Of course I am sure Nathan has not ventured past a kiss, but I am sure he would offer more if he knew you wished it," she said and giggled when I spluttered.

  "I didn't figure John as a groping sort of guy, that's all," I replied, not looking up at her.

  "He is very affectionate. Tender and supportive. I just want to give him something back. He has been so wonderful and patient and kind. I want to make him happy," she said, her voice a little wistful.

  I smiled and thought of them when they were together. John was definitely happy.

  "You make him happy by just being with him, Emma. I don’t think you need to do more for him. He is happy to bring you joy," I replied, enjoying her blushing giddy smile.

  "He makes me happy," she sighed, and her face definitely had a glow to it I had never seen before.

  We finished the work, making our way back to the house with two full containers for our work. I glanced up at Nathan's hill and my heart skipped a beat when I noticed his silhouette making its way down towards us. Emma chuckled and leaned into me.

  "I am not the only one that is happier these days. I suppose we will have to discuss who gets to sit on the swing and who gets to walk evenings," she said, smirking.

  "Yes we will, Emma. We need to make it more equitable for everyone," I joked.

  "First one done with chores then?" she challenged, sticking her hand out.

  I glanced back at Nathan and took her hand, gripping it tightly. We laughed and stepped inside with the milk, bottling it up for Fannie before helping her pull out the breakfast casserole she had made for the morning. I was distracted from slicing the casserole when I heard the door open and Nathan walked in, a pleasant smile on his face.

  I was certain everyone noticed it.

  Fannie smiled brightly as he put his hat up, Jonah smirked and concentrated on his coffee. I looked away before my blush thoroughly gave me away to what we had done the night before and concentrated on cutting up servings of casserole. I could feel Nathan's eyes on me as he settled in next to Jonah, and I could feel the flutter in my stomach when I heard his soft voice. I chanced a glance at him when I set the plates, and fought my smile when our eyes met. The joyful glimmer in his eyes made me want to jump for joy.

  I was completely taken with Nathan Fisher.

  Breakfast was business as usual. Nathan and Jonah talked about when crops would be cleared, and Fannie detailed the plans for the day. I was surprised when Jonah volunteered me to go with him to Nathan's for the day. I looked up from my breakfast, trying to stay out of the conversation for fear of blushing and saying something telling. But my name and then hearing work at Nathan's woke me up.

  "What?" I asked meekly.

  Jonah smiled and eyed Fannie with a knowing look.

  "If you can spare her today. She can tend to Nathan's house while we clear the near field. We will have mid day meal there," he suggested.

  "Whatever you would like, husband. The girls can help me here today," Fannie replied, unfazed.

  "I do not want to burden Kate with my chores, Jonah," Nathan started and then closed his mouth suddenly. Perhaps he realized I would be there all day for him? It was what I had been thinking. A stolen kiss, having him near me. We just needed to distract Jonah somehow.

  "It is settled then! And I will bring Patience as well. Give your stallion another chance," Jonah exclaimed and made to stand. Nathan cleared his throat and looked a little uncomfortable, but stood as well and stepped past me, his fingers tracing across my shoulder as he brushed past me.

  Immediately I felt the rush course through me at that simple touch. Nathan would be able to figure out so much about me. I rushed about to gather lunch for the men while they waited outside, Fannie pushing me out the door before the breakfast dishes were even cleared. Nathan waited on the porch for me, Jonah gone to the stables. Nathan's smile in the early light made me feel lightheaded.

  "Jonah said he would meet us there. Walk with me?" he asked, his voice soft and sweet.

  I smiled and fell in step with him. He took the basket from my hands holding it in one hand so that the other could take my own as soon as we had crested his hill. His fingers interlaced with mine warmed me to the core. We were quiet for most of the walk, his face relaxed and content as he looked ahead towards his home. When we crossed the yard, he finally spoke up.

  "Did you sleep well?" he inquired quietly.

  I shook my head.

  "No, I had trouble sleeping," I replied, fighting a grin.

  "I am sorry, what made you sleepless?" he asked, concern in his eyes.

  "Thinking about you," I murmured and winked at him. He grinned and pulled the door open to his home, letting me in first.

  "I had the most am
azing dreams last night. I think that was the first night I have slept and remembered my dreams," he said.

  "What did you dream about?" I asked as he set down the basket in the kitchen.

  He turned and offered me a devastatingly brilliant smile.

  "You."

  I moved a step towards him, wanting to kiss him. His hands reached for me, pulling me close. His lips were close, leaning in.

  "Nathan! Let us get the horses rigged up so we can be done early!" Jonah called in from the front door.

  Nathan pulled back with a sigh, looking off towards the front of the house.

  "Have a pleasant morning," I said, chuckling.

  He laughed and stepped away, running a hand through his hair nervously.

  "It would have been had we just a few more moments," he said and took another step towards the front door.

  "I'll see you at lunch," I said and offered him a sympathetic smile.

  He looked back once more before disappearing, leaving me alone in his house. Looking out the window, I watched as Jonah and Nathan worked to strap their horses into the machinery for harvesting the corn. Nathan brought out his two Haflingers, strapping them into the wagon while Jonah worked on the larger piece of machinery that looked like a giant reaping machine. I watched until I remembered I had things to do. There was no time to daydream.

  I was supposed to be tending his house. I had never been more excited to do chores in my life. Perhaps because I knew Nathan would appreciate a clean house. I put the food I had brought into the refrigerator and grabbed a large sun tea pitcher from Nathan's cupboard, filling it with water and setting it up on the edge of the porch to steep in the sun. Looking at the disarray of the exterior of his house I let out a heavy sigh and dove into the task at hand, figuring I would clean outside first while it was still cool out.

  Stepping out onto the porch, I realized this would be a great idea. I could watch them work while I cleaned. I just had to remember to actually do something, rather than watch Nathan standing tall in the wagon, distributing corn as it was pushed through the contraption that Jonah handled from the ground in front. Nathan was very distracting as he turned and pushed and shoved, already sweaty and flushed from the hard work.

  Too many times while I swept, or while I tossed out the mop water into the dying grass, I would find my eyes searching for him. Time and again he would be there, doing something to make me smile and think about how good he was in his element. One instance that had me grinning was when he went to water his giant black horse, Magnus late in the morning.

  The great beast nodded its head, bumping against Nathan as if to insist on something that Nathan had in the satchel he carried. I watched while he patted the horse softly and pulled out a small apple, which he offered Magnus. It disappeared instantly, his hand reaching for a second one to offer his hungry horse. He paused, eyeing the red apple thoughtfully for a moment. Nathan brought it to his nose, his eyes closing for a brief second before opening again, a brilliant smile flashing across his face before he took a bite of it.

  I smiled to myself when the horse batted his head at Nathan once more, swallowing up the offered apple with no thought whatsoever. But Nathan’s smile remained. As if he had felt my eyes on him, he looked over his shoulder towards me, his lips upturned and his eyes happy. He took another apple out of his bag and took a large bite out of it, winking at me before Jonah called for him.

  I turned from watching Nathan and busied myself with making the front of his house look clean, wiping down the dusty windows that had many months of sediment on them. The first floor windows completed, I set to scrubbing the porch deck. It was well worn, but dirty beyond measure. It took several buckets of water from the water pump and a rough scrub brush to knock down the dirt until I could begin to see the painted floorboards. I hadn't realized how late it was until I heard the heavy footfalls of Jonah and Nathan coming up the porch steps.

  I looked up, sweaty and wet from scrubbing on my hands and knees, to see Nathan and Jonah regarding me. Nathan looked pained, while Jonah looked pleased at my work. I stood up quickly and brushed myself off, pushing the hair that had come loose behind my ear as I moved towards them.

  "I'm sorry. The time got away from me. Let me go get cleaned up and I'll get your meal ready," I said hurriedly, rushing inside without letting them answer.

  I scrubbed up in the kitchen, splashing cold water against my face to cool off. I heard them walk in behind me, Nathan stepping in beside me with the container of tea. He handed me a towel to dry off and stepped in to wash his hands, quiet while Jonah spoke.

  "The porch looks almost new, Katherine! And I believe it is lighter in the house now that the windows are clear. You have done more than I expected! Nathan will have a sparkling home in no time. Thank you, daughter," he said proudly.

  I busied myself with pulling out the preparations for sandwiches to hide my embarrassment.

  "I'm happy to do it, Jonah," I said softly and blushed when I heard Nathan sigh behind me.

  I glanced back towards him and watched as he poured glasses of fresh brewed tea into glasses. He settled in beside Jonah at the table, a thoughtful look on his face as he watched me finish the sandwiches. We ate in silence, Jonah concentrating on his plate while Nathan and I repeated exchanged glances. Jonah would need to be blind and unfeeling not to see the tension between the two of us.

  I wanted to reach out and touch Nathan, to assure him I was truly happy to be here helping him. He didn't need to do it alone. When Jonah pulled away from the table, Nathan followed him, stretching from the meal.

  "It will be too hot to do much more. We should get the corn stored from today and work perhaps on your stalls while the horses are out to pasture. Katherine, perhaps you can work inside the remainder of the afternoon?" he suggested and I simply nodded.

  Nathan offered me a soft apologetic smile and followed after Jonah, leaving me in Nathan's house on my own once again. I set to work quietly, cleaning the kitchen first, which was in good shape from the last time I had cleaned it. It wasn't used much really. I made quick work of the first floor, dusting and wiping down anything that wasn't covered. Looking towards the stairs, I swallowed hard and took the steps slowly. I had never ventured upstairs.

  I knew immediately which room was Nathan's.

  Of the five bedrooms upstairs, his was the only with the door open. I hesitated in opening the others, out of respect for his family. What would I find? Rooms left just as they had been when the occupants died? Pristine shrines of people he loved?

  It made me sad to think once again of Nathan in this large house all by himself.

  The house was entirely too quiet.

  I slipped into his room and took it in. A small bookshelf with a dozen worn books, a few trinkets that looked like might be old wooden toys, and scraps of papers stacked neatly. My heart beat a little harder at the sight of the papers; similar to the ones I had seen that day when I first cleaned. Perhaps he had brought them up here, in the privacy of his room, so that I would not happen across them.

  His simple wood slatted bed seemed too short for his tall frame. But he kept it tidy and was neatly made. The dresser under the window held no defining mementos on it that reminded me of Nathan. The room was very plain, except for the books and scraps of paper. He lived quietly. This was his sanctuary.

  This was his room, his private place.

  I suddenly felt like I was invading.

  There was nothing for me to do here. Nathan's house was quiet, lonely and really very melancholy as I looked at it more closely. He kept himself to only a couple of rooms, his bedroom and the tiny table in the living room. I fought the urge to uncover the furniture in that room, to make it more lived in. It was quite possibly that he kept things covered because they hurt too much to look upon. With each observation, my feelings for the man who lived here grew. His smiles and his contented countenance were more important than anything now.

  He deserved to be happy.

  I made my way ba
ck outside and decided I would spend the remaining part of the afternoon in the garden, regardless of the heat.

  Inside by myself, I could almost feel the eyes of ghosts watching me in their home.

  Today was not the day to confront his ghosts.

  I’d save that for another day. Today, I gave Nathan a home.

  ~~~~

  "Katherine?"

  I lifted my head out of the wild jungle of the bushes by the house, avoiding the thorns as I stood and stretched. Jonah came to me and surveyed my progress. I had managed to get one side of the house tamed, watering and trimming down the long abandoned bushes. They still looked a little forlorn, but they were more green than brown now. He smiled and patted me lightly on the shoulder.

  "You have done much today. Come; gather up your basket while I collect Patience. You will walk with me back to the house. Nathan will be along in a while," he said and turned to walk back to the pasture to fetch his horse that was grazing on the far end with Nathan’s black.

  I dusted myself off and went inside to get my basket. I was walking back down the hallway when Nathan came down the stairs, dressed in only his pants, the suspenders dangling at his sides. He stopped at the first step at seeing me, his eyes large and his hand in his mussed hair. He was dirty from the field, his face marked and his arms darkened with the corn dust. It was an extreme contrast to his pale bare chest. That chest I had seen from afar, but now couldn't pull my eyes from as I stood there a few feet from his beauty. Broad from farm labor, a thin smattering of hair on his chest that thickened on a dizzying trail south across a taut stomach and disappeared into the waist of his pants, I flushed at the thought of what that trail led to.

  "I am sorry, I thought you were Jonah," he said quickly, pushing his hands deeper into his hair.

  "Jonah wants me to go back with him. I just came in to get the basket," I replied and tried to pull my eyes away from him.

  But it was impossible. Even dirty, he was beautiful. I found myself moving closer, my body drawn to his. He looked around the house, suddenly very shy.

  "I did not wish you to tend to me, Kate. Thank you, you did too much," he whispered.