Healing Faith

by Jennyfer Browne

  My eyes felt heavy, his heat was lulling.

  "Pleasant sleep, Kate," he whispered and held me gently as my eyelids finally won over and sleep took me.

  Chapter 36

  Nevada was a long state to get through, and I knew it would be a rough leg of the trip on my own, so when Nathan begged to let him drive alone the long path through the middle of Utah, I couldn’t say no. I had spent most of the morning instructing Nathan on how my car worked. He wanted to drive, and judging by the excitement on his face once he was behind the wheel, I was in for a ride.

  "Brake! Brake, brake, brake!" I hollered as a semi-truck passed by while we slowly drove along the shoulder.

  "I am fine, really! I did not see him in the mirror!" Nathan exclaimed, laughing brightly as he finally merged onto the road.

  I let out a breath and tried to hide my grin, but his joy was contagious and pretty soon we were driving down the road at a good pace, Nathan laughing and grinning as he concentrated on the road. It wasn't as fast as the rest of the world wanted us to go, but it was safe for both Nathan and the car. I relaxed in the passenger seat and watched him as he drove perfectly, hands at ten and two, looking at his mirrors and keeping within the lines at all times.

  It was adorable really.

  He was like a guy who had just gotten his first car.

  And as the minutes ticked by, his smile remained. It was a joy for him to do this.

  He chanced a glance over at me, but only for a brief instant and then he was back to eyeing the road. I leaned in close to him, the pillows and blankets tucked in the passenger side so that I could lean into him while he drove. We talked all day, about what we saw, about how Jonah and Fannie would react when we returned home.

  About what would happen when we got home.

  Nathan was avoiding the topic, but I knew he had to be thinking about what came next in our relationship. He had not even asked me and I was already feeling nervous over it. He was so sure about us. Perhaps like his saying he loved me, it was something that the Amish just knew. Emma had said something about the Bishop asking the intended, and I knew that would be a trial in itself. But so much of what Nathan and I had been through, I just needed to know how we would get through the next hurdle of our trip.

  Because I was finding it so much more difficult to stay away from him and remain respectful to his pure intentions. I was not so naïve that I didn’t know he was battling his own demons. Since he had come to find me, his touch was more willing, and his body more tense when we lay down at night. I knew he was tempted.

  We both were.

  When we stopped in the evening at a hotel just outside of Evanston, Wyoming, I decided to confront him about it. I struggled with how to ask him his intentions, well after dinner and into the late evening as we settled down to go to sleep. Nathan held me close, lying on his back as he lightly fingered the strap to my tank top absently. It had been another long day, and we were both tired. But my mind was spinning at the idea that in two days, things would change.

  "Kate?"

  I looked up at him as he chewed on his lip as if uncertain to speak. This was the first time all day he had seemed less than joyful.

  "What is it?" I asked, suddenly worried.

  "I have been thinking about when we arrive home."

  I took a breath and nodded.

  "Me too," I said, relieved and yet also a little nervous of his thoughts.

  He smiled and laughed.

  "I know that you have. You have been quiet most of the evening. Every time we settle in to sleep, you think about it, do you not?" he asked.

  "It's kind of necessary when we are lying next to each other and I want to kiss you and touch you and know I won't be able to in a couple of days," I conceded, embarrassed.

  He sat up and looked at me thoughtfully.

  "Kate, I will not be able to go back to what we were before. I want more," he urged softly, his eyes closing as he seemed to check himself

  I held my breath and waited for him to continue.

  "I want so much more with you. This trip has made me see just how blessed and cursed I am for wanting you so badly," he whispered.

  His thumbs skirted across my cheeks, his eyes opening to stare intently into mine.

  "Is that something you have felt?” he asked.

  "Yes," was all I could manage.

  He swallowed and watched his fingertips as they traced down the side of my neck, his voice throaty as he continued.

  “I imagine many things I should not, Kate, when I am with you. Things I should not think on without disrespecting you in some way. But I cannot help it. Especially at night when my body wishes I could forget the rules, and then I feel remorse for thinking such things as I know they are not mine to take.”

  I touched his lips to silence him, his eyes landing on mine once more, dark and turbulent.

  And hungry.

  “I want you too,” I said and put my finger over his mouth again when he made to object. “And if it’s disrespectful then I have done the same, Nathan.”

  He groaned against my fingers and I let him press his hard frame close to mine.

  Moving slowly, to keep him from retreating, I placed his palm over my breast. He let out a low groan and took the chance to be bold, enveloping my breast with his large palm. My hand moved down further, until it landed on his hip, drawing him against me tight so that I could wrap my leg over his.

  “If this feeling is wrong, if what we are doing is wrong, why would you be allowed to explore on Rumspringa? And is this not something like a Rumspringa for both of us?” I whispered.

  "Kate," he whispered against my lips.

  I moaned into his lips at the slow grind of his hips into me, his hand squeezing me with more need. He rolled us over onto my back, his lips searching me out until I gasped when his hips rolled just right. He leaned back a bit and looked down at me cautiously.

  "Is this too much?" he said huskily.

  I shook my head and placed my hand over his, to encourage him further. I laid a little pressure on his hand as if to urge him along before releasing it and slipping it across his chest and down until I traced the hard outline under his pants. He closed his eyes briefly at the pleasure he felt as I touched him, his hips rolling so that my hand was trapped between him and me.

  "I want more with you, always more," he whispered softly and his hand moved again, ever so slowly edging under my shirt so that his hot fingers came in contact with my breast. I whimpered and fell back into the bedding, his body following to line up with mine in the most delightful way.

  “I do not wish to disrespect you,” he murmured. “I just want to feel you.”

  Lips brushed along my collarbone and he groaned when he grazed his thumb across my hard nipple.

  “This is not wrong.”

  His hand cupped my cheek, his mouth moving everywhere he could. On my mouth, along my jaw, to my ear where he groaned when his hand slipped down along my ribs on its path south.

  "I want to be everything for you," he whispered and let his lips move along my throat.

  I let out a moan, wanting him to go further. My hand in his hair spoke for me as he dipped back down, hot lips leaving an electrifying trail down my throat and to my shoulder before his hand grasped along my hip. He paused over my breast, the heat of his breath causing me to shiver. He glanced up at me and then back, before laying his soft lips against me, just over my heart. I sighed and melted in his touch.

  Another kiss closer, along the edge of my tank top.

  And then another.

  And then another pause, just long enough to make me whimper when I felt the light tug of fabric before it turned into a moan as his lips brushed against my nipple. I held his head a little harder, trapping him there.

  I wanted him to kiss me there again and again.

  His mouth opened and he kissed me more openly. I moved against him, needing more. I was aching and I needed to feel him. My hand found his, and I guided it down once more, fingers
slipping under the waistline of my shorts and beyond.

  He pulled his head away to watch as our interlaced hands slipped deeper and I moaned at the welcome pressure of his fingers with mine as they grazed down. His breathing picked up as we dipped down, into wet warmth. I laid my fingers over his and offered enough pressure for him to see how I liked to be touched, watching his face as he concentrated on our hands under the fabric. He followed my fingers carefully, the gentle pressure making my legs shake, the brushing of his thumb across my clit making me jolt against him. He paused and swallowed as he took in my reaction.

  His thumb brushed across me once more, with a little more pressure and I groaned at the warm flush rushing through me. I pressed against his fingers, groaning as he circled me slowly. The build up was maddening, and so unlike anything I had ever felt. The heat running through me was picking up. Gaining speed.

  I opened my eyes to catch Nathan watching my hand as it moved along the front of his pants; searching him out to offer him the same pleasure he was giving me. His mouth was open, panting as he worked a little faster, responding to my hand as it slipped under the fabric of his pants and found him. He let out a deep-throated moan as I stroked him, and then he moved against me, the two of us a writhing mess in the sheets as we pleasured one another. When he leaned in to offer me a panting kiss, his eyes were dark but his smile was proud as I groaned and trembled against him at the mounting tension in me. He added more pressure with his thumb as it rubbed against me until I felt all the tension explode in my body. I stiffened against him, the air in my lungs leaving me in a strangled cry.

  Washing over me in a hot rush.

  Shaking, falling away, gasping. Swirling.

  And then I was limp in his arms, gasping for breath while his fingers moved to cup me almost possessively. When I could focus, his lips were on mine, searing and desperate as my hand continued to work him towards his own release. He broke off the kiss in a long groan and together we watched as I brought him pleasure, his hips moving to my movements this time until he let out a gasp and a low-throated moan. We collapsed into one another, lips touching, breath ragged, legs intertwined, and completely content.

  “That was better than anything I imagined,” he said when he could speak again. He had a dazed look on his face. I giggled and traced my hand along the long length of his torso, enjoying the sight of him in the dim light. His chest beat at a faster rate, and there was a slight sheen of sweat on it as he struggled to calm himself. When he could breathe without panting, he rolled onto his side and smiled bashfully at me, his eyes continuing to take in my nakedness until I started to shiver in the cool air. When he pulled the blanket over us, he let his hands wander over my body, tracing over every curve, every dip. It wasn’t until I heard his soft chuckle that I dragged myself out of my euphoric daze.

  I looked up into his eyes and saw something I had not seen in a long while.

  Mischief.

  "What?" I asked, laughing nervously.

  His eyes darted off into the darkness and his laughter grew.

  "It is just that I have imagined that for so long. To bring you pleasure. But I was unsure how to do so,” he said and ducked his head into my neck, laying sweet kisses along it to try and distract me.

  “You did just fine,” I replied, squirming a bit as his whiskers brushed against the sensitive skin of my neck. When he pulled away, he was grinning widely.

  "Your computer has more information than it should," he confided, and I burst into laughter.

  "You didn’t!” I sputtered and clutched at him as he nodded and laughed softly with me.

  “Pleasing you is much more important than crop forecasts,” he said and his smile softened. He settled in against me, one arm tucked beneath his head, the other moving across my bare skin in a gentle caress.

  "You are so beautiful, Kate. Beauty made by God. Every part of you should be exalted," he whispered in my ear as he lay against me.

  “I am so happy because I’m with you," I sighed, wanting him to know, he was everything I needed.

  "Forever, Kate. Be mine forever," he murmured against my lips.

  I nodded and tried to kiss him again, but he pulled away to look down at me, his eyes intense. He held my head in his hand, purpose driven to say what he intended.

  "Forever, Kate. Be my love, my partner. My wife. Everything," he said breathlessly.

  I felt my smile fighting to take over my face.

  This was Nathan's way of asking. And to me it was better than any sappy English proposal.

  Because I could see it in his eyes, and feel it in his trembling frame against me.

  "Yes, Nathan. Everything," I promised and let him kiss me until we couldn't keep our eyes from crossing.

  He smiled and settled in beside me, squeezing me gently and whispering into my ear playfully.

  "Be my wife."

  "Yes."

  He laughed softly and hugged me a little harder.

  "Be my wife."

  I giggled and fought the urge to swat him for his silliness.

  But he was happy. And that was everything.

  "Yes."

  "I will love you always, Kate," he murmured; sleep making his words a little garbled. "I will be there for you, forever."

  "I love you, Nathan. Forever," I whispered back and heard his soft hum as he drifted off to sleep.

  He held me as I slipped into slumber, content and at ease as my mind drifted at thoughts of what I had planned for his house when we returned.

  We still had hurdles to jump, but I knew his heart.

  And it was the same as mine.

  Chapter 37

  Wyoming was a blur.

  Little things stood out.

  Nathan's smile.

  Nathan's repeated request for me to be his wife as we stood filling the gas tank at the truck stop or grabbing snacks in the store.

  Nathan's hand in mine as we walked at every stop along the way.

  Nathan's happy laughter as we ate ice cream at the soda fountain shop when we stopped for lunch in Cheyenne.

  Nathan's wide-eyed wonder at the Western Museum. We strolled hand in hand, enjoying the break from sitting for so long in the car. Families passed us as we toured, and Nathan's hand pulled me close and he whispered in my ear playfully.

  "Be my wife."

  "Yes."

  And we'd smile and continue to walk amongst the English. Our presence going unnoticed.

  Nathan's contented sigh as we breathed in the clean air as we continued east.

  The heat of the day allowed us to roll the windows all the way down, and I relaxed in the hot wind as it whipped across my face and through my hair as we continued east. We stopped at a campsite in Nebraska, setting up our gear by the Maloney Lake. We seemed to be the only ones there, as the season had ended and many travelers would continue on to Omaha. But we were exhausted, and the sun had set. We couldn't think of another couple hours drive. So we made camp, eating the last of our turnovers and finishing off sandwiches we had bought somewhere along the way. This was our last night together, before we went back and pledged our life to the Amish way.

  Before I pledged myself to Nathan, forever.

  I climbed into the sleeping bag, the air finally cool enough against my skin to want to snuggle against where Nathan laid, his head resting on his arms as he watched me move. He was smiling as I slid in under the warm cover, against the heat of him in his boxers.

  I didn't feel strangely in just my tank top and underwear. We were beyond the awkward embarrassment of nakedness with one another, and we were alone on the lake. But we had achieved so much the last couple of days. My hand found its home over his heart; my head nestled against his shoulder as we lay there taking in the beauty of the sky above us.

  It was like a million pinpricks in the night sky, the Milky Way big and clear above our heads. The half moon offered just enough light to see, but the stars seemed to light up everything around us.

  And it was quiet.

  Th
e soft rustling of wild grass and the occasional creak of the trees nearby.

  But it was just the two of us. Alone under the magic of the Nebraska sky.

  Nathan moved against me, his lips tracing across my forehead until I looked up, and his lips found mine, searching. He rolled us over, groaning at the feel of my bare legs against his. The kiss deepened as he traced one hand down my side, reaching under my knee to pull it up, opening me to his warmth as he moved in closer.

  Slow.

  Searching.

  Discovering the heat between my legs.

  His own firm heat adjusting against.

  Moving.

  Sighing against lips as fingertips slipped up my thigh, finding the hem of my shirt and trailing beneath.

  Tracing.

  One rib.

  Second rib.

  Another adjustment against me.

  My own hands searching.

  Through hair that felt so soft between my fingers.

  Down the soft cotton of his back, feeling the muscles slide under my hands as he groaned and moved over me.

  Stars so bright.

  Heat so seductive.

  Fingers searching.

  Lips moving down my throat.

  Fingers finding.

  My lips whispering in adoration.

  Nathan.

  Our last night together, we worshipped each other in the moonlight. Soft words, searching kisses, and hands that explored in order to memorize every part to tide us over until the next time we would have to ourselves.

  Who knew when that would be?

  So we savored one another until late into the night, fighting fatigue and simply sharing the love we both felt.

  Being together.

  As we lay there, content and relaxed, Nathan held me close and stroked my arm lazily. It had become a habit for him as he drifted off to sleep against me. To feel me there, and his fingertips lulled me as much as they comforted him. He sighed and buried his nose into my neck, snuggling into my warmth.

  "Kate?"

  I opened my eyes and hummed in response.

  "Tomorrow will come too soon."

  I hugged his arm that lay around me.