Flowers Vs. Zombies: The Complete Series

by Perrin Briar

  “Sorry… I’m late… sir…” he said.

  “Go to the headmaster’s office,” Mr. Huber said without waiting to hear Nips’s excuse.

  “But sir-” Nips said.

  Mr. Huber raised a finger to silence him.

  “You’re late,” he said. “No excuses. Go.”

  Jack shut his eyes and slipped in through the window. He peered around at all the other students, but they had their eyes fixed firmly on Nips and Mr. Huber. Only Nips saw Jack’s entrance.

  “I’ll get you for this!” Nips mouthed to Jack.

  Jack just smiled back. Nips closed the door and left. Mr. Huber looked down at the register before him, fingers placed just below the next name.

  “Now, where were we?” he said. “Ah, yes. Flower.”

  “Here,” Jack said.

  Jack managed to avoid Nips for the rest of the day, made easy by the fact they shared no further lessons. Jack looked out at the field before him. He wiped his sweaty palms on the front of his trousers, took a deep breath and walked out into the open field, heading for the corner. As he approached, the trees and shrubbery gave way and he could make out the untucked shirts of the final year students.

  The sunlight didn’t penetrate the eaves here, and it took a moment for Jack’s eyes to grow used to the darkness. He could make out the glowing ends of cigarettes before anyone’s face. Jack slowed down as the older kids turned to look at him.

  “It’s the freezer!” a mouthy girl said. “He’s the only climber with vertigo I ever heard of!”

  Jack paused, afraid he’d made a mistake, but then Daniel turned and saw him.

  “Daniel, can I have a word?” Jack said.

  Daniel moved away from his friends and joined Jack on the fringes of the clearing.

  “How are you holding up?” Daniel said.

  “Fine,” Jack said. “Look, I want a rematch.”

  Daniel sighed.

  “I thought you would,” he said. “Look, you’ve really got nothing to prove. Those guys, they couldn’t climb even a few feet off the ground. They’re the real chickens.”

  “I don’t care,” Jack said. “I still want to try again.”

  Daniel shook his head.

  “What’s the matter?” Jack said. “Worried I’ll beat you?”

  “Honestly?” Daniel said. “Yes, a little.”

  Jack was taken aback.

  “There was a moment when you could have won,” Daniel said. “If you’d kept going you would have beaten me.”

  “You don’t like to be beaten?” Jack said.

  “Who likes to be beaten?” Daniel said. “But it’s not that that’s the problem. It’s the fact that you could have beaten me so easily. That’s worse than just being beaten. Everyone knows you would have beaten me if you hadn’t had your little problem. What is it, anyway?”

  Jack hesitated.

  “Vertigo,” he said. “I’m scared of heights.”

  Daniel didn’t laugh as Jack had expected. Instead he just nodded his head.

  “It happens,” Daniel said.

  “To you?” Jack said.

  “No,” Daniel said. “I have other issues. I’m sorry, Jack. Really. But you’re going to have to learn to get over this without me. I’ll race you again someday, when you’re ready. But not before.”

  The bell rang. Daniel entered the foliage, disappearing from sight. Jack watched him leave, and then turned and headed back to the school building. A shadow leapt out from behind a corner.

  “Boo!”

  Jack hopped in the air.

  “You scared me!” Jack said.

  “Good,” Nips said. “Do you feel your heart racing now? That’s how I felt with Mr. Huber shouting at me.”

  “Sorry,” Jack said.

  “No, you’re not,” Nips said.

  “What did you get?” Jack said.

  “Detention,” Nips said. “Tomorrow!”

  “You should have run faster,” Jack said.

  “That’s not the point and you know it!” Nips said. “It’s your fault! Don’t try and blame me!”

  “If it was that important you wouldn’t have let me hold you up,” Jack said.

  Nips screwed up his face. Then he nodded toward the smokers’ corner.

  “What were you doing with the older kids?” he said. “Did you speak with Daniel?”

  “Yeah,” Jack said.

  “And?” Nips said.

  “He said he would race me again, but only when I was ready,” Jack said.

  “That was nice of him,” Nips said, before noticing the expression on Jack’s face. “Wasn’t it?”

  “Yes, it was nice of him, but that’s not going to make me a better climber is it?” Jack said.

  “So what are you going to do?” Nips said.

  “I don’t know,” Jack said. “Find some way to practice climbing somewhere else, I suppose. I need to go somewhere where I’ll always have to climb, where there’s no choice, and then, eventually, I’ll get over this stupid fear.”

  “Where are you going to find a place like that?” Nips said.

  “I don’t know,” Jack said. “Not around here, that’s for sure. All the buildings here are too short.”

  “You could have won, you know,” Nips said, “if you’d kept going. But hey, Beethoven was deaf, wasn’t he? And he’s one of the best composers in history. So why not have a climber with vertigo?”

  Bill

  I

  “BOYS, CAN you come through here, please?” Liz called up the stairs. “We have something to tell you.”

  The boys filed down the stairs and into the living room. They found Bill sat in his favourite armchair with Liz perched on the arMr.est. They held hands and had tight smiles on their faces.

  “Oh no,” Fritz said. “I could recognise that look anywhere.”

  “What look?” Liz said.

  “You’re going to have another baby, aren’t you?” Fritz said. “Can’t you control yourselves for five minutes? I’m not sharing a bedroom with another stinking brother.”

  “We’re not having another baby,” Liz said.

  “Oh,” Fritz said. “Are you sure?”

  “Pretty sure, yes,” Liz said.

  “That’s a relief,” Fritz said. “So what are we here for?”

  “I’ll tell you, if you give me a chance to speak,” Liz said. “Your father and I have decided to go on a little trip. It won’t be forever, but it will be for a while. We respect your decision to stay here. You will stay with your Grandma until we return.”

  “Grandma?” Fritz said. “You must be joking. And I’m not staying here. The girls here are barmy. I’m going to the other side of the world, where sanity prevails.”

  “I’m going too,” Ernest said. “I’m sick of this backwards education system. I want to experience real life and have real adventures, not just read about them. Besides, can you imagine how much trouble Fritz would get into without me there to keep an eye on him?”

  “And you, Jack?” Liz said.

  “I’m bored of looking at the same old short buildings,” Jack said. “I want to see great big tall ones that scrape the sky.”

  “So much for the bikini beaches,” Bill said, releasing Liz’s hand. “Yesterday you all said you didn’t want to go.”

  “Yesterday was another day,” Fritz said. “Today we want to go.”

  Bill’s eyes found Francis.

  “How about you, Francis?” he said.

  Francis looked up at all the others and then nodded vehemently.

  “I’m going,” he said.

  “Are you all sure about this?” Liz said. “Once we go, that’s it. There’ll be no turning back.”

  “We know,” Fritz said. “We’re packed and ready to go.”

  “Packed already?” Liz said. “But we haven’t organised anything yet!”

  “It’s what we’ve been up to for the past hour,” Ernest said.

  “That’s why it was quiet,” Bill said.

&nb
sp; Bill and Liz shared a look, which spread across their faces into smiles.

  “Come here,” Liz said.

  They huddled around, wrapping their arms around each other.

  “Did you decide where to go?” Ernest said.

  “The Philippines,” Liz said.

  Ernest smiled.

  “The Philippines,” he said. “Maybe we can stay in some of their traditional buildings on stilts.”

  “Has Dad found a placement position over there yet?” Fritz said.

  “I’m seeing my bosses tomorrow,” Bill said. “With any luck it’ll be a piece of cake.”

  II

  “NO? WHAT do you mean they said no?” Liz said.

  “That’s what they said,” Bill said into the phone. “No.”

  “Why?” Liz said.

  “They said they couldn’t spare me at the moment,” Bill said. “I bring them too many new patients.”

  “A victim of your own success,” Liz said.

  “Looks that way,” Bill said. “What they did do was offer me more money.”

  “We don’t want more money!” Liz said.

  “You haven’t heard how much more,” Bill said.

  Liz hesitated.

  “Is it a lot?” she said.

  “Yes,” Bill said.

  “I don’t care,” Liz said. “This is about finding meaning in our lives.”

  “Meaning can come in a dollar cheque,” Bill said.

  “They said say they wouldn’t even help you find a position abroad?” Liz said. “After all these years?”

  “After they stopped laughing they tried to talk me out of it,” Bill said.

  “Why were they laughing?” Liz said.

  “They couldn’t believe a Swiss doctor would want to travel halfway around the world—dragging his wife and children along with him—to earn a fraction of what he does here,” Bill said.

  “Did it make you question what you were doing?” Liz said.

  “Not for a second,” Bill said. “I quit.”

  “Glad to hear it,” Liz said. “But what are we going to do now?”

  “I’ll find something when we get there,” Bill said.

  “There’s no other way?” Liz said.

  “Not that I can see,” Bill said. “And when we come back I’ll have to find a new hospital.”

  Liz was silent a moment.

  “Look, Liz,” Bill said. “I appreciate your support with this but this is where it gets serious. Maybe we shouldn’t do this. I’m sure I can get my job back.”

  “No, we’ll be fine,” Liz said. “A doctor is needed in every country. You’ll get work. It just makes it all the more exciting!”

  After they hung up Bill began to put his possessions into a cardboard box.

  “So, I hear you’re leaving us,” Dennis said.

  Bill turned to see Dennis leaning against the doorframe with his hands in his pockets.

  “Yes,” Bill said. “Packing up my things, and then I’ll get out of here.”

  “Are you sure about this?” Dennis said.

  “As sure as I’ll ever be,” Bill said.

  “Let me give you a hand,” Dennis said.

  “It’s all right,” Bill said. “I’m nearly done. It’s amazing how little of our personal lives we bring with us to the office, isn’t it?”

  Dennis watched Bill for a moment.

  “You know, I feel awful for not giving you sage advice,” Dennis said. “Maybe if I’d given you better advice you wouldn’t be packing your things into a box right now.”

  “This was going to happen anyway,” Bill said. “Don’t blame yourself. I’m actually rather looking forward to it. Heading out into the great unknown.”

  “Sounds exciting,” Dennis said.

  “Hopefully,” Bill said.

  “So, you’re really going, then?” Dennis said.

  “Yep,” Bill said. “Brushing the dust of this old town from my boots and saying adios! I’ll drop you a postcard sometime.”

  “Thanks,” Dennis said.

  Bill picked up his box and approached Dennis. He offered his hand. Dennis ignored it and hugged him.

  “You be careful out there,” he said.

  “I will,” Bill said.

  Bill walked out of his office. He looked back at his desk one last time and thought about all the memories he had sat behind it, all the people he’d helped. A powerful wave of sadness washed over him and the back of his throat felt hot.

  Then he heard a chocking, snorting sound.

  Bill looked back to see Dennis bent over, slapping his knee with his chubby hand.

  “Dennis?” Bill said. “Are you all right?”

  Dennis tried to speak but couldn’t manage it. Tears rolled down his fat cheeks. It was ten minutes before he managed to compose himself enough to be able to speak.

  “I dropped in on the senior partners this afternoon and argued your case for you,” he said. “I told them they were idiots for letting you go.”

  “Thanks, Dennis,” Bill said. “I appreciate it, but there’s no need for you to get in trouble too.”

  “No, you don’t understand,” Dennis said. “They listened to me.”

  “What?” Bill said.

  “I said they listened to me,” Dennis said, wiping his eyes with a finger. “You’re a great doctor, Bill, but if it’s one thing you’re not, it’s a salesman. You need to learn to think how they think and sell yourself to them. Once I explained how many of your patients would go elsewhere after you left, they paid attention. They’re going to reassign you somewhere as far away as you like, so long as most of your patients agree to wait for you.”

  “But I handed in my notice,” Bill said.

  “They’re willing to keep you on,” Dennis said.

  “I swear, if this is a joke…” Bill said.

  “It’s no joke,” Dennis said. “They told me to inform you they’ll help you with the express understanding you’ll return here once you do come back.”

  “Of course I will!” Bill said with relief.

  Bill hugged Dennis and then shook his hand.

  “Thank you, Dennis!” Bill said. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

  “You’re welcome,” Dennis said. “I swear, I haven’t laughed like that since I was a kid!”

  And he set off again on his coughing-snorting chuckle.

  III

  THE FLOWERS appeared in the early hours of the morning and deposited their bags by the side of the road. It looked a pitifully small amount. They turned and looked up at their former home. The house name plate, overgrown with vines, proudly declared it to be ‘Falcon’s Nest’.

  “Shall we take the name plate down?” Liz said.

  “No,” Bill said. “Let the new owners keep it.”

  Bill wrapped his arm around Liz, who wrapped her arm around Fritz, around Ernest, around Jack and Francis.

  “She was a good home,” Liz said.

  “Now our home is the world,” Bill said.

  The Flower boys’ friends turned up to say their goodbyes. The most pressing need was who to give the belongings to that they couldn’t take with them. To his best friend Jack gave a winter anorak. Nips had had his eye on it for as long as he could recall. Now, it would be his.

  “Thank you,” Nips said, putting it on.

  “I’ll want it back when I come back,” Jack said. “You’re just going to take care of it for me, all right?”

  Nips nodded and wiped away a tear.

  “All right,” he said. “I got something for you too.”

  He took something out of his pocket. Jack unwrapped it.

  “It’s a clock in the shape of the church’s tower,” Nips said. “So you’ll always have a piece of home with you.”

  They hugged.

  Ernest was surprised when Tanja turned up to bid him farewell. He had very few real friends, and owned things no one else wanted, so he had taken everything he deemed unnecessary to the pawn shop. He was going to make a donati
on to a charity on the way to the airport, but now he decided to give the money to Tanja.

  “I can’t take this!” Tanja said. “You keep it. You’ll need it wherever you’re going.”

  “Actually, no,” Ernest said. “I’m rather hoping I won’t. You opened my eyes to things I hope to see a lot more of out in the world. Money doesn’t feature.”

  Tanja took the money.

  “Thank you,” she said.

  “And this is for you,” Ernest said, handing her his medal. “I know it doesn’t mean anything to you, but it felt wrong pawning it in with everything else, especially seeing as they already have one. You can do whatever you like with it.”

  He put it on over her head.

  “Be careful out there,” Tanja said.

  She wrapped her arms around him. He could feel her body heat through her clothes. He was surprised to find he didn’t want to let go.

  To Frederick, Fritz gave a book he’d been working on called: ‘The 100% Failsafe Chat-Up Lines That Never Ever Fail. Ever!’

  “I’ve been working on this for the past five years,” Fritz said. “In the case of my death you are to send it to whichever of the publishing companies is the biggest in the world as they’re guaranteed to publish it and make millions. You can keep the money, but I want my name to stay on the cover.”

  Frederick’s eyes shimmered. He brought Fritz in for a manly hug. While they were close, he sniffed Fritz’s neck, and then kissed him on the nape.

  “Dude!” Fritz said, breaking apart. “What are you doing?”

  “It wasn’t me!” Frederick said. “A fly bit you!”

  Fritz, not totally convinced, shook his friend’s hand.

  “Yeah,” Fritz said. “Right.”

  A minivan pulled up outside the Flower house. A door on the other side opened, closed, and the passenger came around to greet them. It took a moment for Bill to recognise who he was looking it.

  “Dennis?” Bill said. “What are you doing here?”

  Dennis was wearing a grass skirt and a Bermuda shirt.

  “Great news,” he said. “We’re going to be travel buddies!”

  IV

  “WOULD YOU like a final turn about the town?” the driver said.